Need Advice: Sex & Emotions - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:07 PM Thread Starter
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Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

First post here! I am looking for advice from guys that may have gone/are going through something similar to me. I am going to try and keep this as short as possible.

I am only 25 years old and I've been married for two years. I feel it's important to mention this because it's a major part of how things have developed in our life. We both waited until marriage to have "real sex". All through college we fooled around, but knew we wanted to wait to do the real thing. On our wedding night we tried to have sex, but she said it hurt too much. On the honeymoon we tried a few more times and it got better but I could tell she was hurting and not enjoying it fully.

Fast forward two years and we are having sex maybe once a month. I would consider myself someone who really wants to be sexually active, especially while we're young. The painful sex issue has never gone away. She has seen a doctor, Ive read up to make sure I'm not doing something wrong... I try to initiate sex all the time but she says no. I know it bothers her so I try to just play it cool so she doesn't feel bad. I've talked to her about wanting to have sex more, and she acts like she is on board, but it never goes anywhere. When we do have sex I feel as if most of time she is just doing it to keep me happy, which really doesn't. I feel like we shouldn't be having this issue at our age, but I don't know how to talk about it without upsetting her... this is problem one...

Problem two... Over the past year my wife has been expressing that she has dark thoughts. I have walked in on her just randomly crying. I try to talk to her about it and ask whats wrong but she can't answer. We rarely fight and when we do its usually over very quick. This recent depression just has me really confused and feeling hopeless. I ask her if she wants to talk to someone else about it but she says "I know what they are going to say so it's useless".

The reason I came on here tonight is because I came home to find my wife getting ready for bed at 6:00pm. I asked why and she said she just needs to sleep to deal with her thoughts. I made the mistake of trying to get her to talk about it and it progressed to her crying and saying things I really hope she didn't mean. Our conversation ended with me saying "I really wish we could find a way to make you happy again" to which she responded "There isn't a way and maybe you shouldn't be married to me". This really shocked me because we weren't fighting... it just came out of nowhere. These mini episodes have been happening a lot recently and I just don't know what to do anymore.

As men (and women too, if they are on this section), what are the steps I can take for each of these issues. I hope it doesn't sound selfish to say this but I'm getting to a point where I feel like I'm being too nice. I'm not showing her real emotion because I don't want to make either situation worse...
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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:10 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

Does your wife work or does she stay at home?
is there any sexual abuse in her past?
She sounds depressed, take her to a proper doctor for a diagnosis.

Last edited by aine; 11-15-2016 at 07:10 PM. Reason: add
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:17 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

If sex is still painful for her, then that would explain her lack of interest, and possibly her depression. If that is the case, a sex therapist might be a big help.

If sex is no longer uncomfortable but she still doesn't have much interest - does she get physical pleasure / Orgasm from your sexual activities?

If not - then has she had an O in the past, and does she know what works for her?

If she does, and still doesn't want sex, then again a therapist might make sense.



Do you think her depression could be the result of the issues in your sex life, or possibly the reverse, or maybe it isn't clear?
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

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Does your wife work or does she stay at home?
is there any sexual abuse in her past?
She sounds depressed, take her to a proper doctor for a diagnosis.
We own a business together, and it is doing well (has actually been one of the only positive things recently)
No sexual abuse. She has parents that went through a nasty divorce and multiple people in her family struggle with depression. Only one that I know of actually did something about it.
Best advice on getting her to try talking to a doc if she has refused thus far?
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:22 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

If sex didn't make you feel good would you want it? If you didn't feel good about yourself would you revel in contact with your mate?

Look, It really seems like she's depressed. IMO, She needs help. Not the kind you can provide. An MD or therapist. The best thing you can do is get her there. How about her family, could they help you?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

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If sex is still painful for her, then that would explain her lack of interest, and possibly her depression. If that is the case, a sex therapist might be a big help.

If sex is no longer uncomfortable but she still doesn't have much interest - does she get physical pleasure / Orgasm from your sexual activities?

If not - then has she had an O in the past, and does she know what works for her?

If she does, and still doesn't want sex, then again a therapist might make sense.



Do you think her depression could be the result of the issues in your sex life, or possibly the reverse, or maybe it isn't clear?
She is only able to orgasm by basically grinding on me with no penetration. She doesn't seem open to trying new things, which I have suggested. I try to make it all about her so its more fun/enjoyable but that doesn't seem to help.

I don't know if the lack of sex life has caused it because we are able to talk about it fairly openly. I have asked if that is what causes the thoughts and she says absolutely not. She says she wakes up with thoughts of "worst case scenarios" coming true, nightmares, ect. They seem separate but I could be wrong or she could be hiding the truth.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:23 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

.

Last edited by notmyrealname4; 11-18-2016 at 08:19 PM.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

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If sex didn't make you feel good would you want it? If you didn't feel good about yourself would you revel in contact with your mate?

Look, It really seems like she's depressed. IMO, She needs help. Not the kind you can provide. An MD or therapist. The best thing you can do is get her there. How about her family, could they help you?
No, I totally agree, and I very understanding about the painful sex thats why I don't push the issue. I just don't want to totally ignore the fact.

I guess I have to get serious about getting her to see someone who can help. Her family situation isn't the best and I think they would hinder the process. Just not easy getting her to admit it at this point...
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

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What did the doctor say?
She was put on a medication to help with vaginal lubrication but it did not seem to help.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:30 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

Don't get her preggers! This marriage is doomed. You're not getting satisfied and you have a broken wife that doesn't want to get help.

Does she at least give you out of this world oral sex?
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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:32 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

Have you tried non-penetrative sex? Giving her oral etc.

Not saying its the long term solution, but are there mutually enjoyable things you can do without penetration.

There are many things that could be going on. One of them is that penetration is painful for her, and the anticipation of that pain makes it worse, and the problem perpetuates.


It could also be a side effect of depression.

Is she on any medication including birth control?

Was she like this (both sexually and for depression) before you were married?
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:33 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

Sex is the first thing to go when depressed. Here...

Depression: How to Help When Friends or Family are Depressed - Wing of Madness Depression GuideWing of Madness Depression Guide

Whatever you do don't shame or bully her into it. It's best to show concern. Read the article and links, you'll get the idea. Call her MD for advice too.

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 11-15-2016 at 07:38 PM.
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

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Have you tried non-penetrative sex? Giving her oral etc.

Not saying its the long term solution, but are there mutually enjoyable things you can do without penetration.

There are many things that could be going on. One of them is that penetration is painful for her, and the anticipation of that pain makes it worse, and the problem perpetuates.


It could also be a side effect of depression.

Is she on any medication including birth control?

Was she like this (both sexually and for depression) before you were married?
No, we actually had way more fun with each other before we got married. We basically did all of the above, minus penetration. (I tell everyone I know now, HAVE SEX before marriage if you haven't, stupid to wait). She has always been a little moody, but never "dark" like she is now.

She is on a birth control, yes.
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 07:40 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

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Last edited by notmyrealname4; 11-18-2016 at 08:11 PM.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice: Sex & Emotions

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I was wondering, is her hymen still intact? Was that checked or verified by exam? Some women have much thicker hymens than other women. And some women have a very small opening in their hymens.


There are devices known as dilators. A graduated set of inserts, that can help a woman gradually get used to being penetrated. They would have to used in conjunction with a good lubricant. Especially since her medicine for lubrication isn't working.

https://ourquiethope.wordpress.com/2...inal-dilators/


https://www.pureromance.com/shop/Sex...icone-Dilators

You probably know all this. Just thought I would mention it.

Your wife's emotional attitudes seem more alarming than anything else. TBH, when I read the part about her going to bed at 6PM to deal with her thoughts; it occurred to me that she might be suicidal. I'm probably wrong, but it is very odd.

BTW, it's good that she can orgasm by grinding against you. She is orgasmic and can enjoy her body; and enjoy it with you. So, she isn't completely inhibited or shut down.
I don't actually know the answer about the hymen... But thank you for the input.
She has never expressed anything to make me think she is suicidal, it's something I've thought about but never something she has verbally or non verbally suggested. Its just like she gets herself worried about things she shouldn't be worried about, thinks about worst case scenarios , things like that.
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