NikL

I've been reading a lot about the whole "nice guy" phenomenon on here and I finished the NMMNG book.
I have a few questions though. The author said nice guys should avoid doing things to please their wives. This seems counter productive so maybe I missed something.
In my view a couple SHOULD do things for each other. So as a recuperating nice guy, where is the line drawn? Any thoughts?

Mistys dad

It's not about doing or not doing things for your wife.

It's about doing what you want.

If you want to do something to please your wife, go for it. As long as it makes you happy.

I like to see my wife smile, so I give here some flowers that were growing in the yard. Because I wanted to see her smile, not because I felt I had to.

If you are only doing it to please her, and you get no pleasure from it. Stop.

Examine why you are doing something. Are you washing her car because you hope she'll notice and reciprocate in some way? Or do you wash her car because having clean vehicles is what you want.

Another way to look at it is this, if you are going to wash her car hoping to get some sex later, you are making a covert contract.

Instead, cut to the chase and tell her exactly what you want.

The hardest part is letting yourself understand what you want, why you want it and how to get it. It's not about her, it's about you and how you are honest with yourself.

NikL

Thanks. That makes a lot of sense.
I guess I get pleasure from doing nice things for her most of the time.
Until I learned about "covert contracts", I did indulge in lots of that sort of thing and I was trying to separate them from just doing nice things.
Great points! Thanks again.

NoIssues

Dont be a fake. Be the real deal. Its about sincerity.

My brother in law is one of those nice guy dolts and has some major anger issues about it because he doesnt get back what he thinks he ought to.

Of course its all passive agressive because he doesnt have the balls to be angry in the open. Then hsi secret would be out that hes just human like the rest of us. We couldnt possibly have honesty from him. That would be sacriligious for this dude.

Its pathetic and irritating he thinks his see thru crap appears genuine to adults with a shred of awareness.

I love to laugh at him being miserable because he is jeaslous of everyone that isnt "nice" and still living a nice life.

Phonyness is nauseating to everyone that sees it or hears it.

Thor

NikL, there is a support group forum over at nomoremrniceguy dot com / forums . Your question is a good one and it indicates that you have work to do still to free yourself of Nice Guy Syndrome.

SockPuppet

nailed it.

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