Advice please - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:35 PM
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Re: Advice please

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Originally Posted by RyanWSU1975 View Post
100% sure.
100% sure.

When I was a lad we had an oil company named "Pure".

Their Motto was, "Be sure with Pure".
.................................................. .................................................. ......................
Your wife is no longer pure.

Her version of pure is pure bee-ess [BS].

She purrs with/for other men, no longer you.

She purely has left you with no other decision. You must be willing to lose her to win her back, is TAM's motto.

In the purist concoction of that motto, you have already lost her.

Wait, wait! I said that wrong.... she lost you, she dumped you when she opened her legs to the other man. The POSOM.

You are not divorcing her....she divorced you. Oh, she forgot to tell you. :-(

Advice please-pure_oil_sign.jpg

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:39 PM
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Re: Advice please

Please

OP don't use your kids as an excuse to stay with a cheater wife.
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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

I agree with you of course. But I look at our little girls and think of how messy it would be and how hurt they would be by all of this. It kills me to think I would not be with them 100% of the time. But I cannot be with someone who can cheat.

I don't know how people go through this.
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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

Although I did make an appointment for a consultation with a divorce lawyer in order to learn more about the process and my options.
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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:52 PM
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Re: Advice please

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I don't know how people go through this.
They do and it sucks every time.
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post #21 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:57 PM
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Re: Advice please

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I don't understand the need to make her admit to it. If he knows it happened, then making her cough it up just seems like a way to humiliate her, you might as well just start the divorce.

To save the marriage, you would have to find a very safe setting, perhaps counseling, explain your commitment to the marriage, that you want to make it better, FORGIVE her, and listen very carefully to her side of it, and then bury it forever and completely. Otherwise, if you want a full admission of guilt, you're effectively establishing a narrative where your sins are acceptable and hers are not. Thus the marriage will forever be morally unequal, you will be on the moral high ground, you will always have a trump card to play if things go bad, she knows that you can tell your kids and family that she slept around, etc.; such a marriage is intolerable. No one can live the rest of their life in the doghouse for one mistake.

It shouldn't surprise you that she doesn't want to talk about. You see this as a bad sign. Actually, it's a good sign. It means she feels guilt and shame about it. That means she doesn't want to do it again.
This has the potential to be a great post. The forgiving part is Admirable. It really is. This is no ding on you. You sound like a really decent man.

Please save this sentiment for a person that you "know" to deserve it.

The problem with forgiving her, not shaming her, not telling all her friends and family depends on what her rank is.

She could be Admirable. Her actions do not show this. She does not hold her head up, readily receiving salutes from her [at home crew]. She likely hangs her head down.

Without knowing "enough" about her, this Wayward Wife, we can only assign her the rank/paygrade..... Semen Recruit. That is no typo.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #22 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Advice please

You don't have a marriage now, what do you want to save? Your children have already lost.

A marriage is an agreement between two people. She broke that agreement. You don't need her confession to validate that fact.

You're just letting the fear of what will happen control you right now. Nothing will change until you do. It will only get worse for you and the children.

Take control of what happens and be damned what your lying wife does or doesn't do. Stop letting her control the outcome. Rip the bandaid off.

Best

BTW, is she still in contact with him? Does his SO know?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 11-18-2016 at 01:13 PM.
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post #23 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

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You don't have a marriage now, what do you want to save? Your children have already lost.

A marriage is an agreement between two people. She broke that agreement. You don't need her confession to validate that fact.

You're just letting the fear of what will happen control you right now. Nothing will change until you do. It will only get worse for you and the children.

Take control of what happens and be damned what your lying wife does or doesn't do. Stop letting her control the outcome. Rip the bandaid off.

Best

BTW, is she still in contact with him? Does his SO know?
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post #24 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

They are in touch over the phone since they have actual business together and he lives in another state. I do believe he has SO. I was actually being vindictive and trying to find out so that I could share my information with her.

I hate reading what you posted, "your children have already lost." That is what kills me.
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post #25 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:39 PM
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Re: Advice please

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Originally Posted by RyanWSU1975 View Post
They are in touch over the phone since they have actual business together and he lives in another state. I do believe he has SO. I was actually being vindictive and trying to find out so that I could share my information with her.

I hate reading what you posted, "your children have already lost." That is what kills me.
Some of us are blunt. We are trying to push you "off center", to do what needs to be done.

I apologize for my remarks. I do not apologize for my thoughts.

Stop it!

Remember, "That which does not kill me, strengthens me". Get pissed, get determined.

I repeat, Fifty percent of marriages fail. You are not being singled out by Fate. These things, horrible things.....happen to good people. You have a whole bunch of years ahead of you. Find an honest women to share your life with.

She failed you.

Your children will see you plenty. You will ensure that. The courts will ensure that.

And they will see you at your best.....without the strife, disgust-distrust, anguish that a continued marriage would bring.

See the attorney. Get the papers, blow up the other mans lies and deceit. Do this without telling your wife....tipping him and her off.

In the meantime, before your serve her divorce papers [at work would be nice] do the "180" actions and steps.

If you were NOT hurt I would not comment as I have. You have a conscience. Her? It has left the living room.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #26 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:47 PM
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Re: Advice please

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I agree with you of course. But I look at our little girls and think of how messy it would be and how hurt they would be by all of this. It kills me to think I would not be with them 100% of the time. But I cannot be with someone who can cheat.

I don't know how people go through this.
I feel for you man! I really do and it sucks! The hardest part is setting your path.

You seem to have a set path. Now plan, get your ducks in a row.


do what i didn't do and regret it to this day. NUT UP.

also share your source here as someone recommended. TAM pros can help with those details.
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post #27 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:49 PM
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Re: Advice please

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They are in touch over the phone since they have actual business together and he lives in another state. I do believe he has SO. I was actually being vindictive and trying to find out so that I could share my information with her.

I hate reading what you posted, "your children have already lost." That is what kills me.
If the 1st part of your reply is true, you really can't reconcile until your W gets a new job/quits her current one. It is not vindictive to notify the OBS (other betrayed spouse). If you were her, wouldn't you want to know? It is the right/humane thing to do.

Your 2nd paragraph is true and your W needs to bear the brunt of this, own up to it and be responsible for it. Sux, but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
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post #28 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

My main concern is that she moves back near her family with the kids. I just started a new job and don't want to disrupt that. At the same time, I do not want to be that far from the kids. Not knowing much about this, is there a way to prevent that from happening? Neither of us should not be allowed to just take the kids and move.
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post #29 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:52 PM
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Re: Advice please

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What if she never cops to it unless you reveal how you know??
Unlike a court of law, he does not need to convince anyone else that she cheated. If he knows, then he also knows that his wife not only cheated on him, but shows her lack of remorse by continuing to lie about it. As others have said here, never, never give up your sources.
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post #30 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

My source was what you might say shady. Definitely not something that could be used in court.
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