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Advice please

6K views 52 replies 19 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
I found out recently that my wife slept with someone from work in the past. I have mentioned that I know about it to my wife in hopes that she will just be honest with me so we can talk about it. However, she turns it on me saying I am suspicious and she has had enough. A lot of deflecting and lying. I was hoping she would just be honest given the opportunity. The other issue is how I obtained this information. It was shady but in my mind necessary since my gut told me I was right. She may never admit to this unless I tell her how I came into the information. Then, it will be about that rather than her sleeping with another guy. What is the best way to bring this up in a way so that she knows I really do know about it without giving up my way of finding out?
 
#8 ·
If you are 100% sure that she did the ill-deed, the wiping divorce papers after her pooping session is the only answer. Otherwise she will stink up your life for [ever and more].

Tell us that you are 100% sure that she cheated. This information is crucial for us TAM responders to make a proper determination.
 
#7 ·
If you tell us how you found out we can come up with an alternate story to tell her.

For example, you hired a private detective, an acquaintance told you.

THIS is key------->When she tells you she has had enough........believe her.

She does not value you or your feelings. If she did, she would not, the stray cat become.

You are in a tough spot. Do not rug-sweep this. DO NOT RUG SWEEP THIS.
 
#9 ·
I don't understand the need to make her admit to it. If he knows it happened, then making her cough it up just seems like a way to humiliate her, you might as well just start the divorce.

To save the marriage, you would have to find a very safe setting, perhaps counseling, explain your commitment to the marriage, that you want to make it better, FORGIVE her, and listen very carefully to her side of it, and then bury it forever and completely. Otherwise, if you want a full admission of guilt, you're effectively establishing a narrative where your sins are acceptable and hers are not. Thus the marriage will forever be morally unequal, you will be on the moral high ground, you will always have a trump card to play if things go bad, she knows that you can tell your kids and family that she slept around, etc.; such a marriage is intolerable. No one can live the rest of their life in the doghouse for one mistake.

It shouldn't surprise you that she doesn't want to talk about. You see this as a bad sign. Actually, it's a good sign. It means she feels guilt and shame about it. That means she doesn't want to do it again.
 
#10 ·
She may never admit to this unless I tell her how I came into the information. Then, it will be about that rather than her sleeping with another guy. What is the best way to bring this up in a way so that she knows I really do know about it without giving up my way of finding out?
First, if you're not still monitoring her via that source, give it up; who cares if she knows how.

Second, she is free to try to make it about that all she wants. YOUR role is to hold resolute to THE ISSUE and, I hope, your unwillingness to remain married unless she comes clean.

There ARE no other issues until this is resolved.

Picture yourself as one of those people who stands still while the whole world conducts itself all around you; you are a rock; you require an answer (your boundary) and if she won't give you that answer you will have to enact your consequence to protect yourself from a woman who won't be his honest partner. It then becomes her choice what to do; you aren't telling her she has to do one or the other - you simply ask her to be aware of what your consequence will be if she chooses not to give you what you need from her.
 
#14 ·
I don't know my direction. That is why I would rather have her come clean so I can understand the situation better. What if this was one of many? So much that I do not know. If it were just her and I, I would already be at the attorney's office. With 2 young children, I am hesitant to do that until I know more from her about all of this.

And I agree with you. She does not want to be the one that messed up. If she felt guilty, she would have told me before or when I have asked her about it. So far, it is just deny and deflect. Of course that puts up a red flag that there is more going on.

The other issue is, in my opinion, once someone cheats, they feel they can do it again.
 
#15 ·
I can understand you wanting to know the complete truth so to make a good decision on your path. It appears your W will not come clean unless she absolutely has too. If you have damning evidence then state you do and what it is. Where you got it from makes no difference. Your W will then feel only remorse for getting caught and you are still in the same position. A W who has compartmentalized the A and appears to be able to live with it. That does not sit well if you ask me.

If you feel someone who cheats believes they can cheat again why stay in the marriage?
 
#18 ·
I agree with you of course. But I look at our little girls and think of how messy it would be and how hurt they would be by all of this. It kills me to think I would not be with them 100% of the time. But I cannot be with someone who can cheat.

I don't know how people go through this.
 
#22 · (Edited)
You don't have a marriage now, what do you want to save? Your children have already lost.

A marriage is an agreement between two people. She broke that agreement. You don't need her confession to validate that fact.

You're just letting the fear of what will happen control you right now. Nothing will change until you do. It will only get worse for you and the children.

Take control of what happens and be damned what your lying wife does or doesn't do. Stop letting her control the outcome. Rip the bandaid off.

Best

BTW, is she still in contact with him? Does his SO know?
 
#24 ·
They are in touch over the phone since they have actual business together and he lives in another state. I do believe he has SO. I was actually being vindictive and trying to find out so that I could share my information with her.

I hate reading what you posted, "your children have already lost." That is what kills me.
 
#25 ·
Some of us are blunt. We are trying to push you "off center", to do what needs to be done.

I apologize for my remarks. I do not apologize for my thoughts.

Stop it!

Remember, "That which does not kill me, strengthens me". Get pissed, get determined.

I repeat, Fifty percent of marriages fail. You are not being singled out by Fate. These things, horrible things.....happen to good people. You have a whole bunch of years ahead of you. Find an honest women to share your life with.

She failed you.

Your children will see you plenty. You will ensure that. The courts will ensure that.

And they will see you at your best.....without the strife, disgust-distrust, anguish that a continued marriage would bring.

See the attorney. Get the papers, blow up the other mans lies and deceit. Do this without telling your wife....tipping him and her off.

In the meantime, before your serve her divorce papers [at work would be nice] do the "180" actions and steps.

If you were NOT hurt I would not comment as I have. You have a conscience. Her? It has left the living room.
 
#28 ·
My main concern is that she moves back near her family with the kids. I just started a new job and don't want to disrupt that. At the same time, I do not want to be that far from the kids. Not knowing much about this, is there a way to prevent that from happening? Neither of us should not be allowed to just take the kids and move.
 
#35 · (Edited)
Ryan, You'll need to decide what you're willing to do. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to.

Right now there are three choices.

A) Drop the lies and the OM. Commit to the M and a better life.
B) Divorce and move on to better lives.
C) Continue to share her with OM and allow others to control the narrative of your lives.

Right now she is choosing "C". If you don't want to share your W with other men, if you don't want others to control your family's life, you must eliminate "C".

Best

BTW, exposure isn't done out of vindictiveness. It's done so the life of other BS isn't controlled by the affair partners. Don't let them control your's and your children's. See a lawyer!
 
#38 · (Edited)
Information not required, thank you.
 
#41 ·
How old are your kids?

If they are is school and she takes them out of state im pretty sure any good lawyer will have a field day and any reasonable judge will see it for what it is. Because when shes gone she has abandoned the home.. you will get temp orders for the house etc and SHE gets visitation. and she will be forced to bring the kids back.

seriously get a lawyer.
 
#42 ·
How old are your kids?

If they are is school and she takes them out of state im pretty sure any good lawyer will have a field day. Because when shes gone she has abandoned the home.. you will get temp orders for the house etc and SHE gets visitation. and she will be forced to bring the kids back.

seriously get a lawyer.
I have a consultation next week!
 
#47 ·
Ryan,

About the OM.

Expose his role in this affair to high heaven.

Message everyone on his facebook, linkedin, parents, grandparents, siblings, church, professional associates, and especially his SO.

Do it all at once and without warning or threats. If they find out what you are up to they will try to say you are crazy.

The OM was willing to do this to your children, there is nothing vindictive about defending you kids.

Tamat
 
#50 ·
Ryan,

Can you tell us about her behavior around that time frame and also about when you ask her about the affair, here's why, depending on what you recall and how persuasive you can be, you could use the behavior to tell you the truth. Also not body language as well, look up how to tell some one not being honest with you, via facial and body language.
 
#51 ·
Ryan, it is far far better for your children to have come from a broken home than to have to live in a broken home.

File, just file. The process can always be put on hold but the splash of cold reality in her face may shock her into coming clean with you, and herself.
 
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