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post #46 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 06:00 PM
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Re: Advice please

Ryan,

Sorry to hear this.

DNA your children.

STD test for yourself.

If your WW is still communicating with the OM the affair continues.

Also get a polygraph for your WW.

Tamat
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post #47 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 06:06 PM
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Re: Advice please

Ryan,

About the OM.

Expose his role in this affair to high heaven.

Message everyone on his facebook, linkedin, parents, grandparents, siblings, church, professional associates, and especially his SO.

Do it all at once and without warning or threats. If they find out what you are up to they will try to say you are crazy.

The OM was willing to do this to your children, there is nothing vindictive about defending you kids.

Tamat
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post #48 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 05:33 AM
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Re: Advice please

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Originally Posted by FoghornLeghorn View Post
I don't understand the need to make her admit to it. If he knows it happened, then making her cough it up just seems like a way to humiliate her, you might as well just start the divorce.

To save the marriage, you would have to find a very safe setting, perhaps counseling, explain your commitment to the marriage, that you want to make it better, FORGIVE her, and listen very carefully to her side of it, and then bury it forever and completely. Otherwise, if you want a full admission of guilt, you're effectively establishing a narrative where your sins are acceptable and hers are not. Thus the marriage will forever be morally unequal, you will be on the moral high ground, you will always have a trump card to play if things go bad, she knows that you can tell your kids and family that she slept around, etc.; such a marriage is intolerable. No one can live the rest of their life in the doghouse for one mistake.

It shouldn't surprise you that she doesn't want to talk about. You see this as a bad sign. Actually, it's a good sign. It means she feels guilt and shame about it. That means she doesn't want to do it again.
She is not necessarily guilty, she just wants to rug sweep because her discomfort is more important than her poor BH's knowing. This is typical cheater response. She hopes he will stop bugging her if she denies. Typical of an unremorseful cheater. A person who feels guilty and ashamed will confess and then bend over backwards to make their betrayed spouse feel better and help them through the pain of the betrayal.
In this case OP, better you stop talking to her, begging her, etc. She has you between a rock and a hard place. If you cannot forgive her and are plagued with mind movies, best you give her divorce papers, do the 180 on her and tell your family and friends.
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post #49 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 06:56 AM
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Cool Re: Advice please

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
To the people on TAM it is not shady to use GPS devices, voice activated recording devices, hidden cameras, private investigators, stake outs, computer and phone "look sees", etc.

You are not a "peeping Tom", nay thou were a **Shepard watching over your flock. The wolf took your prize Ewe, bastard!

It is shady if the clouds block the Sun [suncmars!].

It is shady if you sit under an Elm tree in summer or under umbrella at the beach.

If you snooped till your nostrils dried up and found nothing it is not a shady day. It is Eden.

Eden came and went for you.

It was your Eve who ate another's Adams Apple.

Sorry, Ryan.

.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................

**Tears to Weep-

When I lay me down to sleep, And cry the tears that sinners weep; To speak the words of a contrite prayer, And know that someone listens there. He cares for sheep that have gone astray, Who willfully wander their own way; They vex the pride that hides within, And drink the bitter cup of sin. The web of lies and dark deception, Lie in defeat of Light’s conception; To capture all and destroy life, With passion’s fire and human strife We need to plant the gospel vine, Where evil rules and saints repine. While martyrs lead with ransomed prayer, With hope for life that tarries there. Blood that was shed on Calvary, Set slaves of transgression wholly free. So we rise from the grave to seek reward, Giving praise to our risen Lord.


Copyright Elizabeth Wesley | Year Posted 2012
Verily, Amen!

Ryan: There are legal and illegal ways to investigate the nadir of a cheating spouse! The only inherently illegal way is if you found out intentionally knowing that your due investigation of such broke state or federal wiretap laws, which involves phone, social media, internet, et. al.

Mail fraud is yet another possibility. A third is a violation of ones civil rights if a confession were illegally and unduly elicited out of a person with knowledge. And the fruit of such evidence, in the eyes of the court, would be deemed to be "tainted, " and therefore inadmissible!

Either way, your attorney must know how you found out solely to protect you. He cannot use that information but he still needs to know!

Regardless, you now know the sordid truth and the gross illegality of how you came to find out matters not one tinkers damn! You now know that you are married to a cheater who in all likelihood was only using you as a "Plan B" until something better came along for her!

Cheating on you was a unilateral decision on her part. Covertly dropping her drawers and inserting another persons manhood into her body was a gross violation of the Holy vows that she uttered when she married you! Why would you want to stay anywhere in proximity to deceit like that?

Get yourself a good piranha family attorney to take your case, more especially to keep her from crossing state lines with your daughters! Get a temporary restraining order forestalling that pronto!

Do "the 180" on her sorry a$$ immediately!

Do not leave the family domicile, because doing so could be legally interpreted as abandonment on your part!

Regarding joint financial assets, take only your share(vis-a-vis any possible community property splits)and protect them!

Lastly, get yourself to your MD to have yourself checked out for the presence of any STD's! After all, you may have been sleeping with her in good marital faith, fully not aware of the fact that she was bringing home "sloppy seconds" to your faithful naivety!

Sorry to see you here at TAM but you have brought your problem to the best possible place!

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"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #50 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 07:33 AM
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Re: Advice please

Ryan,

Can you tell us about her behavior around that time frame and also about when you ask her about the affair, here's why, depending on what you recall and how persuasive you can be, you could use the behavior to tell you the truth. Also not body language as well, look up how to tell some one not being honest with you, via facial and body language.
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post #51 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 07:45 AM
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Re: Advice please

Ryan, it is far far better for your children to have come from a broken home than to have to live in a broken home.

File, just file. The process can always be put on hold but the splash of cold reality in her face may shock her into coming clean with you, and herself.
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post #52 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 07:48 AM
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Re: Advice please

Oh, and you may want to consider moving this thread over to the Coping With Infidelity area. Even more experienced advice over there.
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post #53 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 03:37 PM
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Re: Advice please

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Originally Posted by RyanWSU1975 View Post
Yes, out of state. She would have help from family if she did that rather than do it here alone. I would be here alone too in that scenario. Would they look at her being close to family for help as something that may sway a custody decision?
That's for your lawyer to work on. Trust me, if you have young kids, this is THE biggest event in your life, and you WILL want to pay for a good lawyer to ensure you end up with at least 50/50 custody. Way too many betrayed spouses have said 'oh, he'll/she'll never do that to me; I trust her' only to find themselves kicked out of the home and losing all custody.

You need a lawyer - yesterday.

My ex-SIL said that: I don't want anything, I just went out. And ended up playing some REALLY sneaky tricks to bust my brother out of millions he'd been saving for decades. All because he trusted her when she said she wouldn't hurt him. Once she got out of the house and didn't see him everyday, she turned into a money-grubbing monster.
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