Advice please - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:07 AM Thread Starter
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Advice please

I found out recently that my wife slept with someone from work in the past. I have mentioned that I know about it to my wife in hopes that she will just be honest with me so we can talk about it. However, she turns it on me saying I am suspicious and she has had enough. A lot of deflecting and lying. I was hoping she would just be honest given the opportunity. The other issue is how I obtained this information. It was shady but in my mind necessary since my gut told me I was right. She may never admit to this unless I tell her how I came into the information. Then, it will be about that rather than her sleeping with another guy. What is the best way to bring this up in a way so that she knows I really do know about it without giving up my way of finding out?
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post #2 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:13 AM
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Re: Advice please

It's not clear from your post....did she cheat on you with him or was this a guy she slept with prior to you starting your relationship?
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post #3 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:18 AM
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Re: Advice please

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Originally Posted by RyanWSU1975 View Post
What is the best way to bring this up in a way so that she knows I really do know about it without giving up my way of finding out?
You drop it and serve her with divorce papers.

Never tell her how you know.
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post #4 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

We are nearing our 5 year anniversary and we have 2 children. It happened during the summer I believe, so yes, during the marriage she had this affair.
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post #5 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

So messy with the kids involved. And of course we would both fight tooth and nail for custody. It would be ugly.
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post #6 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

What if she never cops to it unless you reveal how you know??
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post #7 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:27 AM
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Re: Advice please

If you tell us how you found out we can come up with an alternate story to tell her.

For example, you hired a private detective, an acquaintance told you.

THIS is key------->When she tells you she has had enough........believe her.

She does not value you or your feelings. If she did, she would not, the stray cat become.

You are in a tough spot. Do not rug-sweep this. DO NOT RUG SWEEP THIS.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #8 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:35 AM
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Re: Advice please

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Originally Posted by ButtPunch View Post
You drop it and serve her with divorce papers.

Never tell her how you know.
If you are 100% sure that she did the ill-deed, the wiping divorce papers after her pooping session is the only answer. Otherwise she will stink up your life for [ever and more].

Tell us that you are 100% sure that she cheated. This information is crucial for us TAM responders to make a proper determination.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #9 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:39 AM
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Re: Advice please

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If you tell us how you found out we can come up with an alternate story to tell her.

For example, you hired a private detective, an acquaintance told you.

THIS is key------->When she tells you she has had enough........believe her.

She does not value you or your feelings. If she did, she would not, the stray cat become.

You are in a tough spot. Do not rug-sweep this. DO NOT RUG SWEEP THIS.

I don't understand the need to make her admit to it. If he knows it happened, then making her cough it up just seems like a way to humiliate her, you might as well just start the divorce.

To save the marriage, you would have to find a very safe setting, perhaps counseling, explain your commitment to the marriage, that you want to make it better, FORGIVE her, and listen very carefully to her side of it, and then bury it forever and completely. Otherwise, if you want a full admission of guilt, you're effectively establishing a narrative where your sins are acceptable and hers are not. Thus the marriage will forever be morally unequal, you will be on the moral high ground, you will always have a trump card to play if things go bad, she knows that you can tell your kids and family that she slept around, etc.; such a marriage is intolerable. No one can live the rest of their life in the doghouse for one mistake.

It shouldn't surprise you that she doesn't want to talk about. You see this as a bad sign. Actually, it's a good sign. It means she feels guilt and shame about it. That means she doesn't want to do it again.
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post #10 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:47 AM
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Re: Advice please

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Originally Posted by RyanWSU1975 View Post
She may never admit to this unless I tell her how I came into the information. Then, it will be about that rather than her sleeping with another guy. What is the best way to bring this up in a way so that she knows I really do know about it without giving up my way of finding out?
First, if you're not still monitoring her via that source, give it up; who cares if she knows how.

Second, she is free to try to make it about that all she wants. YOUR role is to hold resolute to THE ISSUE and, I hope, your unwillingness to remain married unless she comes clean.

There ARE no other issues until this is resolved.

Picture yourself as one of those people who stands still while the whole world conducts itself all around you; you are a rock; you require an answer (your boundary) and if she won't give you that answer you will have to enact your consequence to protect yourself from a woman who won't be his honest partner. It then becomes her choice what to do; you aren't telling her she has to do one or the other - you simply ask her to be aware of what your consequence will be if she chooses not to give you what you need from her.
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post #11 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
If you are 100% sure that she did the ill-deed, the wiping divorce papers after her pooping session is the only answer. Otherwise she will stink up your life for [ever and more].

Tell us that you are 100% sure that she cheated. This information is crucial for us TAM responders to make a proper determination.
100% sure.
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post #12 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:17 PM
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Re: Advice please

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I don't understand the need to make her admit to it. If he knows it happened, then making her cough it up just seems like a way to humiliate her, you might as well just start the divorce.

To save the marriage, you would have to find a very safe setting, perhaps counseling, explain your commitment to the marriage, that you want to make it better, FORGIVE her, and listen very carefully to her side of it, and then bury it forever and completely. Otherwise, if you want a full admission of guilt, you're effectively establishing a narrative where your sins are acceptable and hers are not. Thus the marriage will forever be morally unequal, you will be on the moral high ground, you will always have a trump card to play if things go bad, she knows that you can tell your kids and family that she slept around, etc.; such a marriage is intolerable. No one can live the rest of their life in the doghouse for one mistake.

It shouldn't surprise you that she doesn't want to talk about. You see this as a bad sign. Actually, it's a good sign. It means she feels guilt and shame about it. That means she doesn't want to do it again.
No. It means she is afraid she is going to lose her marriage if she admits it. Guilt and shame would be her coming clean, fully and openly, and accepting what ever consequences arise from her decision to cheat.

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
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post #13 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:19 PM
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Re: Advice please

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100% sure.
So what is the benefit in hearing her admit it, aside from hearing her admit it? How will that change your direction? As for that...what IS your direction right now?

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
-My wife
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post #14 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice please

I don't know my direction. That is why I would rather have her come clean so I can understand the situation better. What if this was one of many? So much that I do not know. If it were just her and I, I would already be at the attorney's office. With 2 young children, I am hesitant to do that until I know more from her about all of this.

And I agree with you. She does not want to be the one that messed up. If she felt guilty, she would have told me before or when I have asked her about it. So far, it is just deny and deflect. Of course that puts up a red flag that there is more going on.

The other issue is, in my opinion, once someone cheats, they feel they can do it again.
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post #15 of 53 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:31 PM
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Re: Advice please

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Originally Posted by RyanWSU1975 View Post
I don't know my direction. That is why I would rather have her come clean so I can understand the situation better. What if this was one of many? So much that I do not know. If it were just her and I, I would already be at the attorney's office. With 2 young children, I am hesitant to do that until I know more from her about all of this.

And I agree with you. She does not want to be the one that messed up. If she felt guilty, she would have told me before or when I have asked her about it. So far, it is just deny and deflect. Of course that puts up a red flag that there is more going on.

The other issue is, in my opinion, once someone cheats, they feel they can do it again.
I can understand you wanting to know the complete truth so to make a good decision on your path. It appears your W will not come clean unless she absolutely has too. If you have damning evidence then state you do and what it is. Where you got it from makes no difference. Your W will then feel only remorse for getting caught and you are still in the same position. A W who has compartmentalized the A and appears to be able to live with it. That does not sit well if you ask me.

If you feel someone who cheats believes they can cheat again why stay in the marriage?

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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