Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 09:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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you are surprised when a dishonest person is dishonest ? I don't know what to ****in say ?
Then why are you here?
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post #32 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

I've frozen him out - never did reply to a text asking for a hangout 3 weeks ago. Just got another one "What's happening my man?? Let's get a hang going!".

Debating whether or not to communicate to our mutual friend what's going on (he's on a ship and can only communicate via Facebook messenger) or just leave it. Eventually the mutual friend will no doubt ask what's up.

Reread his response to the original question back in August. It was actually "That's weird. I'll check my backpack just in case". And he never addressed it again (no confirmation or denial). So he never even actually denied it. Smh. Kinda was wishing it would just go away and I wouldn't hear from him.
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post #33 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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I've frozen him out - never did reply to a text asking for a hangout 3 weeks ago. Just got another one "What's happening my man?? Let's get a hang going!".

Debating whether or not to communicate to our mutual friend what's going on (he's on a ship and can only communicate via Facebook messenger) or just leave it. Eventually the mutual friend will no doubt ask what's up.

Reread his response to the original question back in August. It was actually "That's weird. I'll check my backpack just in case". And he never addressed it again (no confirmation or denial). So he never even actually denied it. Smh. Kinda was wishing it would just go away and I wouldn't hear from him.
Sounds you have found your "closure" writing it all out here... the question "Should I confront?"...you have decided to let it go...it's done... Closure is important in these things.. good for you.
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post #34 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

Just got this text. Think I'm going to have to tell him why I'm not responding. Kinda manipulative...reminds me of my exww.

"Hey my friend. I know it's been a while since we connected & I hope everything's good with you. I'm really sorry that all his time goes by between our visits, I miss you lots. I haven't been OK for months and haven't really been letting my people know. If you find yourself with some time, I'd love to talk or hangout soon. I'm not doing great and could use a friend"

However I'm working on a huge, high priority project for work right now and I just can't deal with this right now. Won't respond today - probably tomorrow. Can't get caught up, need to focus.
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post #35 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 05:28 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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Just got this text. Think I'm going to have to tell him why I'm not responding. Kinda manipulative...reminds me of my exww.

"Hey my friend. I know it's been a while since we connected & I hope everything's good with you. I'm really sorry that all his time goes by between our visits, I miss you lots. I haven't been OK for months and haven't really been letting my people know. If you find yourself with some time, I'd love to talk or hangout soon. I'm not doing great and could use a friend"

However I'm working on a huge, high priority project for work right now and I just can't deal with this right now. Won't respond today - probably tomorrow. Can't get caught up, need to focus.
Curious to hear how it all turns out.. if/when you respond.. if this gets opened up ..... Please keep us posted.. when you get a moment!
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post #36 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 08:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

Well, I responded to that text and called him out. See below. Not exactly a strong denial. Feels very manipulative.

Me:

"Hey man, I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough go. I've been out of touch because something is bothering me. I think that capo somehow made its way out of my house with you. I'm worried about you man. But you gotta be straight with me."

His reply:

"Oh **** man, thanks for bieng honest my friend. You can always do that with me. It definitely didn't and I want you know that my relationship to my word is really important, so you can trust me.

I'm totally happy to chat with you more about it too. And I'm never offended by your asking, so don't be shy."

___________________

I was pretty disappointed by his response but it's to be expected. I was thinking, if the shoe was on the other foot, and he accused me of this, and I was innocent, I'd be pissed. My response would be "uhh, NO, I didn't take your ****, why the f would you accuse me of such a thing??"

Then my mind jumps back to the response he initially gave me: "That's weird. I'll check my backpack just in case". Then no follow up whatsoever - never mentioned it again until I called him out.

I told my colleague about this the other day - and when I got to his above response to the initial question, she burst out laughing. That was telling.

Anyway, haven't replied to his reply.

Then, a couple hours after I texted him calling him out, he put this on Facebook:

"Today I'm at a total loss. I'm no longer precious; maybe never was. My reality has become a brokenheartedness so profound that I'm spellbound. I don't know what I did wrong, and nothing I try is making it right.

Hug your friends. And be honest with each other for christ's sake."
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post #37 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 08:54 AM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

Yes, it's a strange response (both times). If someone accused me of it, I'd be angry. This person isn't as if he's used to it.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #38 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 09:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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Yes, it's a strange response (both times). If someone accused me of it, I'd be angry. This person isn't as if he's used to it.
Used to it, and/or guilty as sin.

"It didn't". Is that how you'd respond?
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post #39 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 09:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

I messaged our mutual friend, the guy who was there that night, and told him my issue. Here's his reply:

"Heavy.... I have little information but I know he's in a hard place. I heard from you. Him. And (his girlfriend) all in a span of minutes. He said she's ****ed around. She said she ****ed up... So he's on the lurk for a friend. I love (mutual friend) dearly. But he needs to be called. I think he took your capo to... It never turned up when I was hanging with him in C town last year.. But you've had issues before... You need to follow your heart on this bro. If your inner voice is telling you to confront, then do it. You are one of the deepest strongest people I know (me). You Can do both at once. Yo can confront him about what are seriously deep seeded issues for him (and ultimately sewing the bed he lies in) while also being a true friend and helping him with his needs. Likely you will console hurt while also getting an admition from him. Thus you can give him a shoulder when he needs it while also getting the information you need to decide whether he needs to be at arms length or not.... My gut feeling is you should confront him. That situation had crept up for me multiple times since August (about the capo)... You need to follow your intuition. I know you're strong and I know you're clear with your intention."
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post #40 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 09:22 AM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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Used to it, and/or guilty as sin.

"It didn't". Is that how you'd respond?
No, I wouldn't be doing word dances. I'd just say "no, I didn't steal your xzy and I'm offended that you think I did".

At this point, I'd just let it go. Remember what he's known for and never invite him into your home. And certainly, never leave anything of yours unattended around him.

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"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #41 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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No, I wouldn't be doing word dances. I'd just say "no, I didn't steal your xzy and I'm offended that you think I did".

At this point, I'd just let it go. Remember what he's known for and never invite him into your home. And certainly, never leave anything of yours unattended around him.

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Thanks for the reply.

I highly suspect this isn't the last I'll hear from him. I'm expecting a call at some point.

How about that woe is me Facebook rant?
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post #42 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 11:09 AM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

Ah, the disappearing capo! Mine disappear regularly. Two college aged daughters and their friends who all play guitar in my music room. Borrowed guitars, jams, gigs, etc. Maybe capos are lost in the laundry along with socks! Now I'm in my own place and the kids are out of the house, capos have a much longer lifespan.

I understand how you could have a shadow of doubt that he stole it. But unless you all had equipment out and using it, there is no chance he would accidentally mix it into his stuff.

But more seriously, this guy has a problem with theft. Regardless of whether he took your capo, he doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want around my nice stuff.

His replies and the FB rant all sound crafted with purpose.
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post #43 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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Ah, the disappearing capo! Mine disappear regularly. Two college aged daughters and their friends who all play guitar in my music room. Borrowed guitars, jams, gigs, etc. Maybe capos are lost in the laundry along with socks! Now I'm in my own place and the kids are out of the house, capos have a much longer lifespan.

I understand how you could have a shadow of doubt that he stole it. But unless you all had equipment out and using it, there is no chance he would accidentally mix it into his stuff.

But more seriously, this guy has a problem with theft. Regardless of whether he took your capo, he doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want around my nice stuff.

His replies and the FB rant all sound crafted with purpose.
The shadow of a doubt is what's eating at me - but it's not even a shadow. We weren't jamming or anything - he didn't bring any gear over. So no chance it got mixed up.

I agree on the "crafted with purpose" thing. All very round about and crafted to create distraction/deflection. The circumstantial evidence is powerful, as is his reaction/texts/wording used. Just doesn't add up.
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post #44 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:43 AM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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The shadow of a doubt is what's eating at me - but it's not even a shadow. We weren't jamming or anything - he didn't bring any gear over. So no chance it got mixed up.

I agree on the "crafted with purpose" thing. All very round about and crafted to create distraction/deflection. The circumstantial evidence is powerful, as is his reaction/texts/wording used. Just doesn't add up.
So what you're doing is Wishful Thinking. You don't want it to be true he stole from you. Things do add up when you have the correct information. In your case, the correct information is he stole it from you but doesn't want to admit it. He also thinks he can gaslight you on it.

If you didn't have equipment out, there is no way he accidentally picked it up. I have all my cables labeled with colored tape because it is easy to not know which is your own stuff in the chaos of load out. Capos, mic stands, and other gear is just so similar. But since there was no guitar playing going on, there is no logical explanation as to why he might think the capo was his.

There should be no doubt that he intentionally stole the capo.
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post #45 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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So what you're doing is Wishful Thinking. You don't want it to be true he stole from you. Things do add up when you have the correct information. In your case, the correct information is he stole it from you but doesn't want to admit it. He also thinks he can gaslight you on it.

If you didn't have equipment out, there is no way he accidentally picked it up. I have all my cables labeled with colored tape because it is easy to not know which is your own stuff in the chaos of load out. Capos, mic stands, and other gear is just so similar. But since there was no guitar playing going on, there is no logical explanation as to why he might think the capo was his.

There should be no doubt that he intentionally stole the capo.
Thanks man. Yeah - the gaslighting thing. All the replies/posts are very manipulative and quite icky actually. Regarding wishful thinking - this is sad, but I'm hoping he did take it so that I'm not wrongfully accusing him. My biggest fear is not that I have this "friend" who's a thief that stole from me, but that I'm wrong. Honestly, after being cheated on by my exww, I don't put anything past anyone. My kids and my parents - that's kind of the only people I trust.

He really showed an ugly side when he was leading the band too (the band disintegrated a couple years back). Shady dealings. He knows me and knows I won't stand for this kind of behavior. I have firm boundaries - probably I'm actually a hardass about it now - more so than ever before. I wonder if he thought about that when he ripped me off. I know most people would probably let it slide or give him a second chance. I can't.
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