Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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I just want to point out that you were fine with being his friend, knowing all his faults (including stealing from people) - until it happened to you.
And?
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post #32 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 01:36 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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Nah, I have gone dark. I won't bother confronting. I'm done. It's just painful to lose a friend - or rather have a friend betray you and force you to kill it off. Just the like exww - she left me no choice but to walk away. Good point on the shamefully guilty part - no doubt, I could sense his guilt when I saw him a couple days later (last time I saw him - this was August). What a tool. Oh well, his loss. I'll be just fine.
The thing I can't understand here.. is why are you so surprised this guy betrayed you ... his character was severely flawed.. there he was sharing it all with you... reading your post.. I was thinking how dysfunctional it was to NOT see this coming to your own door.... he's an admitted klepto...let's have a good laugh, how much he stole from the grocery store & those dumb ***** didn't even catch him!...

I am wondering how you reacted to these stories ?? To me...this is like someone getting together with a KNOWN cheater, lots of history, open about all the infidelities, then somehow being shocked when this person cheats on them...

I'd have gone DARK the 1st admission he laughed about sh** like this, and barred him from my house.. and property...

People like this doesn't deserve to have friends...
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post #33 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 01:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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The thing I can't understand here.. is why are you so surprised this guy betrayed you ... his character was severely flawed.. there he was sharing it all with you... reading your post.. I was thinking how dysfunctional it was to NOT see this coming to your own door.... he's an admitted klepto...let's have a good laugh, how much he stole from the grocery store & those dumb ***** didn't even catch him!...

I am wondering how you reacted to these stories ?? To me...this is like someone getting together with a KNOWN cheater, lots of history, open about all the infidelities, then somehow being shocked when this person cheats on them...

I'd have gone DARK the 1st admission he laughed about sh** like this, and barred him from my house.. and property...

People like this doesn't deserve to have friends...
Thanks! I'm guessing you give great advice in the "Coping with infidelity" thread as well.
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post #34 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 02:43 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

I might be a little suspicious of 'the other guy' in this scenario. How do you know he didn't swipe it? He sure did a good job of painting your buddy like a low life. IMO it could be either one of them.....or both. No need to surround yourself with these types. I would ditch BOTH of them.
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post #35 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 02:44 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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Thanks! I'm guessing you give great advice in the "Coping with infidelity" thread as well.
you'd be surprised.. I've surely had compassion on some waywards here, and have taken some heat for it ... where I felt their cold callous sexless rejecting spouses were just as much to blame for their "falling into temptation".... every situation is different.. it's not always so black and white.. I do have empathy for some humanness.. believe it or not..

I'm just in the camp that wouldn't have trusted the character of what you described as your friend....he had a long history of this behavior ... it wasn't something he was trying to curb, felt guilty about, you even said he wasn't hurting for money... there is something very wrong with that..

How do you trust a thief with no shame ?
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post #36 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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I might be a little suspicious of 'the other guy' in this scenario. How do you know he didn't swipe it? He sure did a good job of painting your buddy like a low life. IMO it could be either one of them.....or both. No need to surround yourself with these types. I would ditch BOTH of them.
Nah, the "other guy" is solid. I mean anything is possible, but I highly doubt it. We hadn't seen each other in over a year. He didn't "paint" the other guy as a lowlife - he just told me why he got fired and that he's been on a bad path and that he's concerned about him.
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post #37 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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you'd be surprised.. I've surely had compassion on some waywards here, and have taken some heat for it ... where I felt their cold callous sexless rejecting spouses were just as much to blame for their "falling into temptation".... every situation is different.. it's not always so black and white.. I do have empathy for some humanness.. believe it or not..

I'm just in the camp that wouldn't have trusted the character of what you described as your friend....he had a long history of this behavior ... it wasn't something he was trying to curb, felt guilty about, you even said he wasn't hurting for money... there is something very wrong with that..

How do you trust a thief with no shame ?
All this thievery was from years ago - he hadn't mentioned anything in a very long time - I guess I put it out of my mind and hoped he had "outgrown" it. It was after this went down that I found out about why he was fired and realized he's just the same as always. I thought he was turning stuff around when he told me of this job (a couple years ago).

Yeah, sorry - I don't play the "you must have done something to deserve this" game when it comes to being cheated on. Or having your **** ripped off.
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post #38 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 04:17 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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All this thievery was from years ago - he hadn't mentioned anything in a very long time - I guess I put it out of my mind and hoped he had "outgrown" it. It was after this went down that I found out about why he was fired and realized he's just the same as always. I thought he was turning stuff around when he told me of this job (a couple years ago).

Yeah, sorry - I don't play the "you must have done something to deserve this" game when it comes to being cheated on. Or having your **** ripped off.
I guess when reading.. I didn't get the impression this was all behind him... .you did say you learned over the past few yrs what a klepto he was...and it was recently that you learned why he was fired... I guess you are a good soul who wants to believe the best in people.. it's not a bad quality by any means... but it can come back to bite... that's all..

I don't think you deserved it...of course not....but if you were my son.. I would have predicted and warned him that something like this, given that guys history -what could happen....not to be surprised is all... also if you are an upstanding guy, why would you want to hang with friends like this.. "Birds of a feather flock together"... isn't it generally true ?? ...

I think who we hang with speaks a lot about ourselves.... ya know... And here.. it really doesn't ! You are better than this... I wouldn't even be against confronting him... I just wouldn't trust he would owe up to it anyway... If he did...then what... would you feel somehow obligated to give him another chance?

I mean - a good person standing by a messed up friend can even turn another's life around.. I've seen it... and God Bless some of these people for being there... we need all types... seek what will bring you "peace" on this one..
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post #39 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 07:49 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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We have been friends since 2006 - when we were paired together as musicians to play an outdoor festival. We became very close friends. He's a bit of a troubled soul, and will intermittently disappear into depression or anxiety, and sometimes we won't talk for weeks. Smart guy, funny, but has some issues. One thing I've learned about him over the past few years is that he's a bit of a klepto. He talked about filling up a grocery cart and just walking out without paying - several times. One time getting busted. He has talked about insurance fraud (admitted to it), all sorts of scams and swiping stuff - he once walked out of a music store with the store's Macbook Pro under his shirt. So some fairly big theft. It's purely a compulsion - he's not poor or anything.

Recently he told me he lost his job - a high paying gig. He didn't say why. A mutual friend told me he was fired for some sort of prescription fraud involving work. I never got the details. I know he had foot surgery a little bit prior and was on bed rest and taking narcotic 'scrips...maybe he got addicted, maybe not. Not sure. Could be just more compulsive behavior.

Anyway, a couple months back, he and the mutual friend came over. We got to drinking beer and having a nice visit. I had a small piece of gear out on the kitchen island - when he saw it his eyes lit up and he raved about how much he liked it. After they left, it was gone. I looked everywhere - I even went through the garbage in the kitchen and through the bins outside (recycle and garbage). I tore the house apart. I texted them both the next morning asking if they had seen it. The mutual friend said no he had not. However klepto buddy's response was "I don't think so, but I'll check my back back". Huh? Odd response - my spidey senses were already tingling and that was a red flag. I never heard back from him about his backpack search - but I asked the mutual friend - who told me second hand "yeah he said he checked and it's not there". Again - weird - why would he not tell me that himself? I told the mutual friend my suspicions - and he agreed it was possible and that our friend is "on a bad path" and "doing some bad ****" (this was the mutual friend that told me about his firing). Basically he said he wouldn't put it past him.

Past behavior, the shadiness and remark about the backpack (?? WTF), the circumstances and my gut tell me he swiped it.

I saw him only once since - a couple days later at a jam he hosted. He was overly nice and a bit ass kissy.He's sent me a couple texts here and there since, and I've been very, very cool (as in not saying much). He for sure knows something is up as it is very out of character for me to respond that way. He hasn't asked what's wrong or anything. He asked last week if I wanted to get together for a hang out - I didn't reply.

He knows I am a man who does not put up with betrayal. I will freeze you out of my life if you **** me over (ex my exww and my pos father). I have zero tolerance for someone who would steal from me like that. It's not the money or whatever - it's the betrayal and lack of respect. Why the hell would I want a friend like that?

This sucks - because I consider him one of my very best friends. But this is absolutely a deal breaker for me - but of course, I don't have video evidence or a confession. If I knew 100% he did it - that would be it - I'm done. Of course there's the minute possibility he didn't, but geez - I really don't think that's the case.

So - any advice? A lot of people have said they wouldn't be his friend just based on the thievery and fraud he's committed prior to this. I'm conflicted about that. What would you do? Confront? Is there any point? I highly doubt he'd admit it. Sooner or later I'll have to either get together with him, ask him, or just ignore him and let him fade away. I hate this. Truly at a loss.

you are surprised when a dishonest person is dishonest ? I don't know what to ****in say ?
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post #40 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 09:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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you are surprised when a dishonest person is dishonest ? I don't know what to ****in say ?
Then why are you here?
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post #41 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

I've frozen him out - never did reply to a text asking for a hangout 3 weeks ago. Just got another one "What's happening my man?? Let's get a hang going!".

Debating whether or not to communicate to our mutual friend what's going on (he's on a ship and can only communicate via Facebook messenger) or just leave it. Eventually the mutual friend will no doubt ask what's up.

Reread his response to the original question back in August. It was actually "That's weird. I'll check my backpack just in case". And he never addressed it again (no confirmation or denial). So he never even actually denied it. Smh. Kinda was wishing it would just go away and I wouldn't hear from him.
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post #42 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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I've frozen him out - never did reply to a text asking for a hangout 3 weeks ago. Just got another one "What's happening my man?? Let's get a hang going!".

Debating whether or not to communicate to our mutual friend what's going on (he's on a ship and can only communicate via Facebook messenger) or just leave it. Eventually the mutual friend will no doubt ask what's up.

Reread his response to the original question back in August. It was actually "That's weird. I'll check my backpack just in case". And he never addressed it again (no confirmation or denial). So he never even actually denied it. Smh. Kinda was wishing it would just go away and I wouldn't hear from him.
Sounds you have found your "closure" writing it all out here... the question "Should I confront?"...you have decided to let it go...it's done... Closure is important in these things.. good for you.
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post #43 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

Just got this text. Think I'm going to have to tell him why I'm not responding. Kinda manipulative...reminds me of my exww.

"Hey my friend. I know it's been a while since we connected & I hope everything's good with you. I'm really sorry that all his time goes by between our visits, I miss you lots. I haven't been OK for months and haven't really been letting my people know. If you find yourself with some time, I'd love to talk or hangout soon. I'm not doing great and could use a friend"

However I'm working on a huge, high priority project for work right now and I just can't deal with this right now. Won't respond today - probably tomorrow. Can't get caught up, need to focus.
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post #44 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 05:28 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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Just got this text. Think I'm going to have to tell him why I'm not responding. Kinda manipulative...reminds me of my exww.

"Hey my friend. I know it's been a while since we connected & I hope everything's good with you. I'm really sorry that all his time goes by between our visits, I miss you lots. I haven't been OK for months and haven't really been letting my people know. If you find yourself with some time, I'd love to talk or hangout soon. I'm not doing great and could use a friend"

However I'm working on a huge, high priority project for work right now and I just can't deal with this right now. Won't respond today - probably tomorrow. Can't get caught up, need to focus.
Curious to hear how it all turns out.. if/when you respond.. if this gets opened up ..... Please keep us posted.. when you get a moment!
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post #45 of 63 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 08:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

Well, I responded to that text and called him out. See below. Not exactly a strong denial. Feels very manipulative.

Me:

"Hey man, I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough go. I've been out of touch because something is bothering me. I think that capo somehow made its way out of my house with you. I'm worried about you man. But you gotta be straight with me."

His reply:

"Oh **** man, thanks for bieng honest my friend. You can always do that with me. It definitely didn't and I want you know that my relationship to my word is really important, so you can trust me.

I'm totally happy to chat with you more about it too. And I'm never offended by your asking, so don't be shy."

___________________

I was pretty disappointed by his response but it's to be expected. I was thinking, if the shoe was on the other foot, and he accused me of this, and I was innocent, I'd be pissed. My response would be "uhh, NO, I didn't take your ****, why the f would you accuse me of such a thing??"

Then my mind jumps back to the response he initially gave me: "That's weird. I'll check my backpack just in case". Then no follow up whatsoever - never mentioned it again until I called him out.

I told my colleague about this the other day - and when I got to his above response to the initial question, she burst out laughing. That was telling.

Anyway, haven't replied to his reply.

Then, a couple hours after I texted him calling him out, he put this on Facebook:

"Today I'm at a total loss. I'm no longer precious; maybe never was. My reality has become a brokenheartedness so profound that I'm spellbound. I don't know what I did wrong, and nothing I try is making it right.

Hug your friends. And be honest with each other for christ's sake."
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