Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 01:34 PM Thread Starter
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Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

We have been friends since 2006 - when we were paired together as musicians to play an outdoor festival. We became very close friends. He's a bit of a troubled soul, and will intermittently disappear into depression or anxiety, and sometimes we won't talk for weeks. Smart guy, funny, but has some issues. One thing I've learned about him over the past few years is that he's a bit of a klepto. He talked about filling up a grocery cart and just walking out without paying - several times. One time getting busted. He has talked about insurance fraud (admitted to it), all sorts of scams and swiping stuff - he once walked out of a music store with the store's Macbook Pro under his shirt. So some fairly big theft. It's purely a compulsion - he's not poor or anything.

Recently he told me he lost his job - a high paying gig. He didn't say why. A mutual friend told me he was fired for some sort of prescription fraud involving work. I never got the details. I know he had foot surgery a little bit prior and was on bed rest and taking narcotic 'scrips...maybe he got addicted, maybe not. Not sure. Could be just more compulsive behavior.

Anyway, a couple months back, he and the mutual friend came over. We got to drinking beer and having a nice visit. I had a small piece of gear out on the kitchen island - when he saw it his eyes lit up and he raved about how much he liked it. After they left, it was gone. I looked everywhere - I even went through the garbage in the kitchen and through the bins outside (recycle and garbage). I tore the house apart. I texted them both the next morning asking if they had seen it. The mutual friend said no he had not. However klepto buddy's response was "I don't think so, but I'll check my back back". Huh? Odd response - my spidey senses were already tingling and that was a red flag. I never heard back from him about his backpack search - but I asked the mutual friend - who told me second hand "yeah he said he checked and it's not there". Again - weird - why would he not tell me that himself? I told the mutual friend my suspicions - and he agreed it was possible and that our friend is "on a bad path" and "doing some bad ****" (this was the mutual friend that told me about his firing). Basically he said he wouldn't put it past him.

Past behavior, the shadiness and remark about the backpack (?? WTF), the circumstances and my gut tell me he swiped it.

I saw him only once since - a couple days later at a jam he hosted. He was overly nice and a bit ass kissy.He's sent me a couple texts here and there since, and I've been very, very cool (as in not saying much). He for sure knows something is up as it is very out of character for me to respond that way. He hasn't asked what's wrong or anything. He asked last week if I wanted to get together for a hang out - I didn't reply.

He knows I am a man who does not put up with betrayal. I will freeze you out of my life if you **** me over (ex my exww and my pos father). I have zero tolerance for someone who would steal from me like that. It's not the money or whatever - it's the betrayal and lack of respect. Why the hell would I want a friend like that?

This sucks - because I consider him one of my very best friends. But this is absolutely a deal breaker for me - but of course, I don't have video evidence or a confession. If I knew 100% he did it - that would be it - I'm done. Of course there's the minute possibility he didn't, but geez - I really don't think that's the case.

So - any advice? A lot of people have said they wouldn't be his friend just based on the thievery and fraud he's committed prior to this. I'm conflicted about that. What would you do? Confront? Is there any point? I highly doubt he'd admit it. Sooner or later I'll have to either get together with him, ask him, or just ignore him and let him fade away. I hate this. Truly at a loss.
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post #2 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 01:48 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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A lot of people have said they wouldn't be his friend just based on the thievery and fraud he's committed prior to this.
That would be my answer to. I don't need friends who steal things from stores. All you need is to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with this guy and you'll end up in trouble.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #3 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 01:49 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

your friend doesn't live in eastern PA by chance.... does he?
Because he fits the description perfectly of one of my brothers. It's eerie.

With my POS narcissist klepto brother, the way to deal with it is to wait and watch. Ultimately, he ALWAYS ends up telling someone (either bragging or a sort of confessional) about what he took, or how he screwed someone over. If i know i'm going to see him, i lock up or put away anything i don't want him to take. Especially if it can fit in his pocket. He's like a raccoon with small shiny things. Especially music gear and apple productsIpods/iphones. He's a musician, and people leave things unattended at concerts/backstage/festivals. It makes him feel superior to take things, to own the nice things, to brag about it. And he gets some kind of rush from it, getting away with it.

If you are friends with my brother, or someone like him, I advise you to let him know you think he took it, and that you'd like it back. Calm and succinct, like you know, not like you are guessing. And then I'd freeze him out. Let him know that he gets to pick stealing from you once, or being your friend. If you're a pushover, or you let him rugsweep it, he would perceive it as weakness. And he'll do it again if he can.

I could be wrong, and my opinion is shaped by my experiences. If that's so, i apologize. But that's what I would do.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #4 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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your friend doesn't live in eastern PA by chance.... does he?
Because he fits the description perfectly of one of my brothers. It's eerie.

With my POS narcissist klepto brother, the way to deal with it is to wait and watch. Ultimately, he ALWAYS ends up telling someone (either bragging or a sort of confessional) about what he took, or how he screwed someone over. If i know i'm going to see him, i lock up or put away anything i don't want him to take. Especially if it can fit in his pocket. He's like a raccoon with small shiny things. Especially music gear and apple productsIpods/iphones. He's a musician, and people leave things unattended at concerts/backstage/festivals. It makes him feel superior to take things, to own the nice things, to brag about it. And he gets some kind of rush from it, getting away with it.

If you are friends with my brother, or someone like him, I advise you to let him know you think he took it, and that you'd like it back. Calm and succinct, like you know, not like you are guessing. And then I'd freeze him out. Let him know that he gets to pick stealing from you once, or being your friend. If you're a pushover, or you let him rugsweep it, he would perceive it as weakness. And he'll do it again if he can.

I could be wrong, and my opinion is shaped by my experiences. If that's so, i apologize. But that's what I would do.
No he doesn't - but yeah, it seems to be a thrill seeking compulsion, like your brother. Our mutual friend moved far away, so I won't hear it from him if he confesses or brags, and we don't hang out in the same circles otherwise. If I confront - man, don;t know how that will go. I'm sure he'd just play dumb, then where am I? Unfortunately I'm not "you get one chance" kinda guy with stuff like this. If he walked out of my house with my stuff - that's it. As my exww said to me after dday "you're not the kind of man who will ever get over this". I have zero tolerance for that behavior.

My inclination is just to let him fade away - but that's not the right way I know. And I don't see him doing that anyway. He's been really on me for a hang out. ****!
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post #5 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 04:01 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

My take on it is that you need to just distance yourself from him. You know he took it. You have no solid proof. He will deny it.

I knew someone years ago who stole like your friend does. He said that it was fun to steal thing right under people's noses. He told me when he showed me something valuable that he had stolen from a friend's house while he was visiting her. I also found out about him stealing from stores, like your friend. It was all a game to him.

People like this are broken. They are not safe to be around.

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post #6 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 04:58 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

Yes.......confront with conviction and give him one chance to make it right........choose right now.....any anbiguity? Freeze him out. DEFINITELY let him know that you know he did it so he understands the consequences of his actions. You don't need people in your life that are unscrupulous........
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post #7 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 05:28 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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Yes.......confront with conviction and give him one chance to make it right........choose right now.....any anbiguity? Freeze him out. DEFINITELY let him know that you know he did it so he understands the consequences of his actions. You don't need people in your life that are unscrupulous........
Agreed. Confront him and give him a chance...if not...maybe borrow something in the future you like and don't give it back...a perma loan...did that with a singer we had once...he owed some coin and never gave it back...so...kept some pedals of near equivalent value...
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post #8 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 06:33 PM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

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No he doesn't - but yeah, it seems to be a thrill seeking compulsion, like your brother. Our mutual friend moved far away, so I won't hear it from him if he confesses or brags, and we don't hang out in the same circles otherwise. If I confront - man, don;t know how that will go. I'm sure he'd just play dumb, then where am I? Unfortunately I'm not "you get one chance" kinda guy with stuff like this. If he walked out of my house with my stuff - that's it. As my exww said to me after dday "you're not the kind of man who will ever get over this". I have zero tolerance for that behavior.

My inclination is just to let him fade away - but that's not the right way I know. And I don't see him doing that anyway. He's been really on me for a hang out. ****!
So he plays dumb, and you don't get your item back.

if you don't confront, you also don't get your item back.

you probably can't trust him enough to be more than acquaintances anyway anymore. If you hang out with him at your place, you'll have to worry about him lifting your stuff. If you hang out with him elsewhere you have to worry about being viewed as an accomplice.

And be advised, my brother is a lock pick too. Can't just lock it up, have to lock it up and hide it. He also got caught once on a B&E, and managed to weasel out of the charges. Not that your friend is exactly like my POS brother. But it usually escalates. if it's a rush, then it has to be bigger or more expensive items to produce the same feeling.

IMO it's better to let him know you know, and won't be a pushover about it. Unless it's possible for you to hang out with him and chalk it up to the price of being friends.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #9 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 01:31 AM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

Drop him.
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post #10 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 01:47 AM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

Drop him and spread the word.
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post #11 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 10:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

The only thing preventing me from pulling the trigger is the extremely minute possibility that he didn't take it. But past history, his reaction to seeing it, my gut, and the backpack remark...does anyone think it's possible he didn't? I mean man, all the signs are there...but like I said, I don't have actual video evidence or a confession. Imagine if he didn't - I would feel awful. But I think there's maybe like a 5% chance he didn't.

I mean really, would anyone here who is innocent reply "I don't think so but let me check my backpack", then not respond??
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post #12 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 07:57 AM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

I imagine one should only have friends who have decent characters. What makes you think he will treat you any differently than all the others he has ****ed over, he has no moral boundaries at all. People like this are not the people you are friends with. His character is seriously flawed, expect to be disappointed.
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post #13 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 08:12 AM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

He took it. I wouldn't ever want this guy in my home ever again, and knowing that he steals and doesn't care if he loses his job for fraud and theft, I wouldn't want to be with him in public either - he's going to cross a line sometime and end up in jail if not prison. And I wouldn't want to be arrested with him when it happens.
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post #14 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 10:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

Thanks folks. I still have not responded to him. I think I'll just leave it and probably let him fade away. Sucks - we had a lot of good times and he's such a massive musical talent - we made some amazing music together. And he's such a smart guy - but yeah, he's proved to be of low moral character. Kind of a painful loss tbh.

If he keeps pushing, I'll have to tell him why. I'm SURE he knows I know.

Was he testing parameters with me - seeing how far he could push me? Or was I not even in the thought process, and it was purely the compulsion? Maybe both? I guess ultimately it doesn't matter the reason. All that matters is it's a deal breaker for me. I have tight boundaries, especially after being cheated on by my exww. Zero tolerance for deceit and any form of abuse. ZERO.
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post #15 of 63 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 10:28 AM
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Re: Almost certain friend stole from me - not sure what to do

I'd like to amend my earlier post...

Confront and drop him.

If he denies, tell him that you're willing to forgive if he returns the item.

If he still denies and fails to return the item, drop him.

If, however, he does return the item... well, drop him anyway.
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