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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 12:12 PM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
Yup. And no matter what you do to try and boost their self esteem...it just doesn't work. However if a low life posom comes onto the scene and throws a few compliments their way....well, we all know what happens then.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 05:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Thanks for all your replies and sorry that it has been so long since I have posted.

I really do appreciate your insight.

Borderline Personality Syndrome seems to be the closest thing that I can use to describe her personality, including the fear of being abandoned.

I will keep you all updated.

Thankyou again!
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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 08:28 PM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

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If I need to have my own space, she will not feel loved like she needs.
Yes, if she exhibits strong Borderline traits as you suspect, she will feel abandoned by you whenever you move away from her. But that's only half the problem. Such a person also has a second great fear -- engulfment. Importantly, the positions of those two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- are at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

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Borderline Personality Syndrome seems to be the closest thing that I can use to describe her personality....
Here in the States it's called BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), even though "Syndrome" is a more accurate term. If you are interested, I describe the red flags for that syndrome at 18 BPD Warning Signs -- and provide a more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Ford.
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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 11:11 AM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Run away. You cannot fix her. If she is a borderline, she will blunt your sharpest tools and sharpen your softest touches, leaving you baffled, stunned, and convinced you are a bad person. If you are a Knight in Shining Armor then start your heroic journey by learning to protect yourself. Realize the worst demons and monsters are the most alluring and beautiful, even as they suck your life blood away.

Trust your gut. Trust that tiny voice. The reason it is tiny is because you are still far from understanding what is best for yourself, how to respect yourself, and how to give yourself the best so you can be the best and most true form of you.

I did not listen to that tiny voice nor did I hear such advice when I was dating my wife of 15 years who is almost certainly a high-functioning borderline. I strutted into the marriage garden of love confident I could slay her demons and unleash her perfect potential. Very quickly I discovered the problem was not the demons; it was me. Over the years I blunted and broke my sword, shattered my armor, and finally woke up to an inexorable truth of horror: I became her demon, her chief tormentor, and her failed knight.

Last edited by reboot; 12-30-2016 at 01:34 PM.
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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 07:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Thankyou everyone once again for your insights.

I have read everything that was recommended and have a much larger insight into this now.

Again, I will keep you posted as things progress.

Cheers,
Matthew
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