Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 11:03 PM Thread Starter
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Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Hi Everyone,

First of all, please let me say thankyou in advance for taking the time to read my post. It is a great site you have here.

I came across this thread by the banned Bribius http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-cl...tention-2.html from a google search. It seemed to hit the nail on the head about what I want to share and ask some help for.

A brief (or long) background. Shortly before going to the US for a wedding, (I am Australian) an American girl sent me a message on a Catholic dating webisite. I met up with her for a couple of days before flying back home. Things went OK, not love at first sight or anything, but I was happy to keep in touch over Skype to see how things went. I could see a few things at the start that I was not sure about, but I thought I'd give it a go and I told her I would come to see her again for longer at Easter (2016) and as she is a teacher, she thought she could take her summer holidays off and see me in Australia for a few months if things were going OK. Obviously being long distance, I tried to set a good foundation for the relationship by telling her that it is a lot harder to get to know each other from far away, and that misunderstandings were not uncommon in these circumstances. I asked her if we could keep things easy until we had seen each other on each other's home ground.

Over the next four months as I got to know her better, I found out that she comes from a separated family, and has all the associated results, anxiety disorder, low self esteem, fear of abandonement, clingy, etc. I didn't bail because I know these things can be helped by the right person and I had promised her that we should only take things further after we had actually spent some time physically together instead of just skyping.

After going to the US for two weeks, it became clear that she was completely besotted with me, to the point where she implied that she would marry me if I would have her. The pressure to reciprocate her feelings was such, that if I were the more ruthless type, I would have called it off after that trip.

After skyping for a while longer upon my return, and in the process of organising her to see me in my country, she decided that she couldn't go back to the US after her holiday, (as she would miss me too much) and that she was planning to quit her job and spend a year working on a visa. I told her she shouldn't do this, as I didn't think she should make this move until our relationship was more serious and I could offer her an engagement, so I asked her to just come for the holiday and then we could look at getting her a residency visa if I was serious about taking things forward. She was very cut at hearing this, even though I had done my utmost to ensure things got out of hand. I will admit that I wasn't as strong about nipping her advances in the bud as I should have been, as I mistook most of them for flirting. She quit her job anyway, despite my wishes. I had wanted her to have something to go back to if things didn't work out after seeing each other for a decent amount of time.

She came over for the US summer holidays, and seeing as she had nothing to go back to, she was anxious and depressed most of the time, which led to tears and fights every second day and and the stress make her exhausted so most of the time I was working, (couldn't take two months off work obviously) and she was in bed just waiting for me to come to see her where she was staying. Overall, not a pleasant time and I called it off.

Expecting her to stab me in the back and not ever hear from her again, surprisingly enough, the exact opposite occurred. She says she still loves me the same and wants me to go back to see her at some point.

This has touched me deeply, and as I have never really had any close girlfriends, it really amazes me. Her loyalty to me despite the circumstances is unheard of. I am quite a nurturing guy and her insecurities and need to be loved bring out my protective side, which is good for me, not having had anyone rely on me quite so much before. On the other hand, the constant neediness, phone calls, need to be reassured and complimented drain me, and I may end up in the position of Bribius if I am not careful. She says that her insecurities will be minimised and comforted if I marry her, as that shows that I am committed to her, but I know from experience that people can't just change on the turn of a dime. One side of me knows and believes that with help, support and with someone to believe in her, she may improve and blossom, but another side of me has its eyes wide open, and is aware of tying myself into something I regret, and is bad for her too, as if I need to have my own space, she will not feel loved like she needs. She knows she has deficiencies, and has asked for help to overcome them, but in the few small things I have tested her on, nothing really seems to get through to her. She just seems to think of getting the love she needs.

Am I being too idealistic for my own good, or should I beleive my gut and break it off for good?

Thanks in advance for reading. I hope I have explained my situation well.
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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 11:42 PM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Please break it off. Please, please, please break it off. You will be grateful later. She sounds like a pit of need.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 11:46 PM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Do not be her Knight in Shining Armor KISA.

Your back will tire from constantly carrying her to the relationship watering hole.

The back of your mind will soon fill up with the clutter she adds [to it] every day.

Do you love this women? Or do you love "her' love for you? You did say this. I find that troubling.

After you marry her, you will tire of her quickly.

She is running away from her problems. You will be giving her a new batch of Thorn Birds to deal with.

I say let some "local" man unravel her knots.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 01:30 AM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

LDRs are notorious for turning into bad relationships. It takes years of close contact with a partner to really know if you are marriage material.
If you do end up married there will be the constant travel back and forth to see families, the risk that if you divorce one will want to move back home and take the kids as well as years of homesickness.

Find someone closer to home.
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 02:16 AM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

....


Last edited by EllaSuaveterre; 12-04-2016 at 02:30 AM. Reason: LOL, didn't see which subforum I was in
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 07:56 AM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Welcome, @FordGT18

I'll tell you the same thing as I've told my son. You are looking for a partner, not a project. You are looking for someone as close to a whole integrated person as you can find.

Dating is the interview for marriage. At this point in time, she doesn't pass the interview.

She wants to be rescued and you want to rescue her. You can't fix her. She needs to do that herself. People can only fix themselves. If she uses you it will be a co-dependent relationship. She needs to understand this too. I'm not saying these relationships never work out, it's just that much harder, depending on how deep the problems are.

Don't Fall into the White Knight Syndrome. It will not help her or you grow.

Nice guys are notorious rescuers. There are dozens of threads on this site and others like it, about nice guys who found themselves in over their heads. Resist being a Nice Guy.

I hope reading these links I included help you decide...


Best

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Resources for men...
ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 12-04-2016 at 10:11 AM. Reason: big fingers, small tablet
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 08:22 AM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Quote:
Originally Posted by FordGT18 View Post
but I know from experience that people can't just change on the turn of a dime.


That's interesting, I didn't know that Australians called their 10 cent coin a "dime", or used the phrase "turn of a dime"....... You learn something new every day.



But, yeah, what everyone else was saying. This poor gal [bless her], sounds scary clingy and dependent.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 02:04 PM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
That's interesting, I didn't know that Australians called their 10 cent coin a "dime", or used the phrase "turn of a dime"....... You learn something new every day.



But, yeah, what everyone else was saying. This poor gal [bless her], sounds scary clingy and dependent.

We don't call the 10c a dime however the use of the phrase "turn on a dime" is used here and would not necessarily be a clue that the author was a hit and run fiction writer.

A good one to look out for is the use of the word "mom".
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 02:48 PM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Quote:
Originally Posted by FordGT18 View Post
Over the next four months as I got to know her better, I found out that she comes from a separated family, and has all the associated results, anxiety disorder, low self esteem, fear of abandonement, clingy, etc. I didn't bail because I know these things can be helped by the right person and I had promised her that we should only take things further after we had actually spent some time physically together instead of just skyping.
That person is a therapist or counsellor in her own town, not a random internet guy from across the world.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FordGT18 View Post
Am I being too idealistic for my own good, or should I beleive my gut and break it off for good?
If you're here, you already know the answer. I would recommend counselling for yourself, to figure out why you think that this woman must be your only dating option.
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:10 AM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

After divorcing my ww, one thing I promised myself is: NEVER get involved with a woman with low self esteem or insecurity issues.
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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 12:33 PM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Everyone here has already said everything that needs to be said. There are literally millions of fish in the sea.

I get the feeling you're not going to listen though.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

Quote:
Originally Posted by FordGT18 View Post
This has touched me deeply, and as I have never really had any close girlfriends, it really amazes me. Her loyalty to me despite the circumstances is unheard of.

I am quite a nurturing guy and her insecurities and need to be loved bring out my protective side, which is good for me, not having had anyone rely on me quite so much before.
Red flags:
Having never really dated before, you don't know what normal looks like (hint: this ain't it).

It doesn't amaze you; it strokes your ego. Big difference. Dangerous difference.

Her loyalty isn't loyalty: it's neurosis. It's an imbalanced person attaching herself to you in TOO short of a time, dangerously short. Have you ever watched Fatal Attraction? I suggest you watch it asap. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatal_Attraction

Bringing out your protective side is NOT good for you. It's dangerous and fated to end badly.

Do you know the worst possible way to get married? By thinking you can change (help) the person once you do.

You're making a HUGE mistake.
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 11:18 AM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
After divorcing my ww, one thing I promised myself is: NEVER get involved with a woman with low self esteem or insecurity issues.
And it never gets better. If anything it gets worse. Talk about walking on eggshells so as not to damage their fragile egos.
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 10:56 AM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

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Originally Posted by KJ_Simmons View Post
And it never gets better. If anything it gets worse. Talk about walking on eggshells so as not to damage their fragile egos.
Yup. And no matter what you do to try and boost their self esteem...it just doesn't work. However if a low life posom comes onto the scene and throws a few compliments their way....well, we all know what happens then.
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: Thoughts about marriage to an insecure woman

When she quite her job after the two of you didn't know each other that well, that was a definite warning sign. I don't know if I would call it off, but be very wary that she seems to be overly needy.

I know a woman who did this before, quit her job and moved to her boyfriend's location wanting a new life. When she got there her boyfriend called everything off. It sounds cold but these days you have to protect yourself.
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