First of all, please let me say thankyou in advance for taking the time to read my post. It is a great site you have here.
I came across this thread by the banned Bribius http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-cl...tention-2.html
from a google search. It seemed to hit the nail on the head about what I want to share and ask some help for.
A brief (or long) background. Shortly before going to the US for a wedding, (I am Australian) an American girl sent me a message on a Catholic dating webisite. I met up with her for a couple of days before flying back home. Things went OK, not love at first sight or anything, but I was happy to keep in touch over Skype to see how things went. I could see a few things at the start that I was not sure about, but I thought I'd give it a go and I told her I would come to see her again for longer at Easter (2016) and as she is a teacher, she thought she could take her summer holidays off and see me in Australia for a few months if things were going OK. Obviously being long distance, I tried to set a good foundation for the relationship by telling her that it is a lot harder to get to know each other from far away, and that misunderstandings were not uncommon in these circumstances. I asked her if we could keep things easy until we had seen each other on each other's home ground.
Over the next four months as I got to know her better, I found out that she comes from a separated family, and has all the associated results, anxiety disorder, low self esteem, fear of abandonement, clingy, etc. I didn't bail because I know these things can be helped by the right person and I had promised her that we should only take things further after we had actually spent some time physically together instead of just skyping.
After going to the US for two weeks, it became clear that she was completely besotted with me, to the point where she implied that she would marry me if I would have her. The pressure to reciprocate her feelings was such, that if I were the more ruthless type, I would have called it off after that trip.
After skyping for a while longer upon my return, and in the process of organising her to see me in my country, she decided that she couldn't go back to the US after her holiday, (as she would miss me too much) and that she was planning to quit her job and spend a year working on a visa. I told her she shouldn't do this, as I didn't think she should make this move until our relationship was more serious and I could offer her an engagement, so I asked her to just come for the holiday and then we could look at getting her a residency visa if I was serious about taking things forward. She was very cut at hearing this, even though I had done my utmost to ensure things got out of hand. I will admit that I wasn't as strong about nipping her advances in the bud as I should have been, as I mistook most of them for flirting. She quit her job anyway, despite my wishes. I had wanted her to have something to go back to if things didn't work out after seeing each other for a decent amount of time.
She came over for the US summer holidays, and seeing as she had nothing to go back to, she was anxious and depressed most of the time, which led to tears and fights every second day and and the stress make her exhausted so most of the time I was working, (couldn't take two months off work obviously) and she was in bed just waiting for me to come to see her where she was staying. Overall, not a pleasant time and I called it off.
Expecting her to stab me in the back and not ever hear from her again, surprisingly enough, the exact opposite occurred. She says she still loves me the same and wants me to go back to see her at some point.
This has touched me deeply, and as I have never really had any close girlfriends, it really amazes me. Her loyalty to me despite the circumstances is unheard of. I am quite a nurturing guy and her insecurities and need to be loved bring out my protective side, which is good for me, not having had anyone rely on me quite so much before. On the other hand, the constant neediness, phone calls, need to be reassured and complimented drain me, and I may end up in the position of Bribius if I am not careful. She says that her insecurities will be minimised and comforted if I marry her, as that shows that I am committed to her, but I know from experience that people can't just change on the turn of a dime. One side of me knows and believes that with help, support and with someone to believe in her, she may improve and blossom, but another side of me has its eyes wide open, and is aware of tying myself into something I regret, and is bad for her too, as if I need to have my own space, she will not feel loved like she needs. She knows she has deficiencies, and has asked for help to overcome them, but in the few small things I have tested her on, nothing really seems to get through to her. She just seems to think of getting the love she needs.
Am I being too idealistic for my own good, or should I beleive my gut and break it off for good?
Thanks in advance for reading. I hope I have explained my situation well.