Re: Regrets and questions
I am going to go against the grain here, but I do from the standpoint of experience. I too lived when I should have died. Just as the OP did. There is a very real aspect of surviving something that you think you shouldn't have, it is called survivors remorse. It sounds as though the OP is suffering from that. It is very easy for those on the outside to cast aspersions. I know because I suffered through them for years.
I had flesh eating bacteria in my right tricep muscle about 20 years ago. I went through five major surgeries in five days. After the last surgery, they told my wife that I wasn't going to live through the night and to call in my family. They said IF on the slim possibility that I lived through the night they were going to take my right arm above the shoulder. I lived thru the night, but they didn't have to take the arm. But I have very little of my tricep left. I can move my arm, but have no strength. It has affected my life dramatically. I cannot work out the way I used to. I cannot play sports like I used to. I cannot do carpentry like I used to. I am not whole, even though most people think I should be.
While I was in the hospital, my wife was there everyday. In fact she claimed to be the reason I lived. She said she went to the chapel and said a prayer for me and was overcome with peace. She told me this later. In the meantime I came out of my coma after 10 days and the first thought was "I need to divorce my wife" I have no idea where the thought came from, but I felt guilty as hell having had it. I never told anyone about that thought until after she divorced me.
After I got out of the hospital, I was offered counseling. I declined. I had the same attitude that so many here have. I felt the fact that I lived was all I needed. I should just be happy and count my blessings. I tried to live the attitude, but I KNEW I wasn't whole. I felt guilty for living. I felt guilty for having thought I should divorce my wife. It clouded every aspect of my life since then.
In response to my guilt I devoted myself to my family. After all I had been given another day on earth with them and that was all that should matter! But that wasn't the case. In the end I gave up who I was out of guilt. I stopped being me and became a doormat. The things I did do for myself, always seemed to come back to bite me in the azz. I got to the point of just waiting to die. I had given up on life. Especially after my family no longer needed me.
My advise to the OP is get counseling for survivor's remorse. Do this before you do something stupid. I would never advise anyone to cheat or have an affair and I am not going to now. What you are feeling is real, it comes from the depth of your soul. If you feel as though you haven't lived, you owe it to your wife to explain this to her. It may end your marriage, it may make it stronger. She may not understand, just as many of those who have posted responses to you do not understand. But you owe her honesty as much as it may hurt both of you. Or you can ignore it all and live a lie for the rest of your life. Whatever you do, she is innocent and does not deserve to be hurt and betrayed.
OP your life has changed and so have you. You need to figure this out before you cause unnecessary pain to others. You need to be honest and give your loved ones the opportunity to accept your change. Otherwise you may end up exactly where I am today - divorced through no choice of your own. Get counseling, not for your marriage, but for yourself.
At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Last edited by Ynot; 12-06-2016 at 11:55 AM.