Regrets and questions - Talk About Marriage
The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

User Tag List

 40Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 06:40 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 1
Regrets and questions

I'm here mostly because I need some direction.

Recently I started regretting some major event in my life, getting married. It's not that I don't love my wife, I do very much. She's my world, especially after all that's gone on in our lives. I just kind regret moving too fast. Looking back the sad fact is that I never really dated anyone before her. At times I feel like I missed out on a lot of things. Part of that is just being human, who can say the don't think about the what if's. The other part probably comes from my own personal experience with getting cancer at 30 years old.

I feel like I lost so much because of that. I lost the chance to have kids at least the old fashioned way. I get to wake up every morning and slather on some gel so I get enough testosterone in my system just to feel normal. The one thing I thought I had gained from the experience was that I should enjoy life and make the best of things. Which in my own way I have kind of. Where I used to want kids, I'm now glad not to have what seems like a drain on my time and money. I don't have to worry about getting to the point of feeling like I'm suffering from low testosterone and talk to my doctor about it when I'm in my 60's, I'll have been on it for 30 years by then.

Sorry for the rant. I guess deep down I'm still very upset with the whole thing even after a few years of being healthy and well. The thing is it also made me want to go out and experience life more. So I did. In the form of an online affair with another woman on the other side of the globe. It felt amazing to be wanted and needed again. To find someone new and interesting. To explore different things. It ended and I realize that after talking with this woman that the grass isn't always greener. It may feel like it, but truth is it's exchanging one issue for another.

So here I am. On to my new issue. For some reason I've had the urge to go and cheat on my wife. Once again I keep telling myself a few things. First that I owe it to myself. That I went through hell and feel like I have nothing to show for it. My friends are off with pretty decent lives, kids, good marriage, on and on. Why shouldn't I be happy too? The other is that I hate the thought that I missed out on something. We have an okay sex life and I'm almost sure there's guy's here that would trade what they have for what I have. I just can't help but feel like something is missing. The sad truth is I never really touched another woman. At this point all I want is something with no strings, just something physical. Just so maybe I don't feel like I've missed out on something.

Yes I know I'm a horrible person. My wife of almost 8 years sitting in the hospital with me as I lay in the bed not knowing if I was going to be okay. The same woman that goes with me to every oncology appointment because she knows I'm scared about what the results may be even though I'm pretty much in the clear. Fine I'm a ****ty person/husband for wanting this. I do try and be the husband she needs, deserves and wants, just like she does for me.

I haven't done anything yet, if only because the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. Yet when I found myself pricing escorts and trying to find a way to hide it all I knew I had an issue. One that I want to fix. Because I'm scared where it might lead me. It might give me what I wanted, a chance to experience the "single" life I never really had but it's too great of a cost.

Has anyone else been down this road? What does it take to stop these feelings? Why do I feel the way I do? Why can't I just be happy with what I have?
FlMedic is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 07:05 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,165
Re: Regrets and questions

You are about to destroy your life for a stupefyingly huge lode of absolutely nothing.

Once you've done that, and the smoldering ruin of your life is laid bare before you, remember that I said that.
GusPolinski is offline  
post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 07:12 PM
Member
 
Lostme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Down South
Posts: 624
Re: Regrets and questions

There is a chance that an escort can give you something penicillin can't cure.

Have you talked to your wife about this? I think you need to get some therapy and be thankful for the wife and life you have.



You do matter!
Lostme is offline  
post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 07:13 PM
Member
 
BioFury's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Stars & Stripes
Posts: 321
Re: Regrets and questions

You feel the way you feel because you're selfish.

Gus is right. If you don't check yourself, things are going to go downhill quick for you. And you'll regret ever having thought of all the "stuff you missed". Quit trying to give yourself a pass. You aren't trying to be a good husband to her. That would be like Brutus saying he's a loyal servant of Caesar all the while contemplating his assassination.

Stop thinking about yourself, and work on your marriage. That is were you will find fulfillment.

As a mother, I eat stress for breakfast. - Megan Conley

I don't trust words. I even question actions. But I hardly ever doubt patterns.

Last edited by BioFury; 12-05-2016 at 07:20 PM.
BioFury is offline  
post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 07:18 PM
Forum Supporter
 
anchorwatch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: on the Island
Posts: 3,553
Re: Regrets and questions

Where did you get the idea you could fix "anything" (you or your relationship) by having an affair? Did you think coaching or counseling wasn't exciting enough? You are in your thirties, your impulse control should be a lot stronger. All you did was muck things up.

Listen here, the grass is greener where you water it. Did you ever think you might have had an affair with your wife? Why can't you make the life you have exciting? Make your wife your lover, not your mommy...

I don't have much time tonight. Let me leave you with this, for now. That victim card doesn't go far around here. You'll have to get out of that victim chair and stand up before anything will move forward. Are you ready for that?


Best

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Resources for men...
ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 12-05-2016 at 07:22 PM.
anchorwatch is online now  
post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 07:19 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,585
Re: Regrets and questions

I'm sorry for the ordeal you've suffered at such a young age.

Just think of how much more isolating it would have felt, if you'd been fighting it all alone.

Because you're on a sure path to ending up alone.

Does your wife know about your online affair?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 07:43 PM
Forum Supporter
 
heartbroken50's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,849
Re: Regrets and questions

Your story is very familiar to mine, but from the other side.

Does your W know about your online affair?

My H was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago, and was doing well despite being stage 4. We have been married 20 years and together for 25. We had always had what I thought was a wonderful marriage... 3 kids, great sex.. I thought we were best friends. A few months ago, I caught him in a 6 month on-line affair. To my knowledge the affair never went physical, but the betrayal I felt was just as powerful as if it had.

Since then, we tried and failed to reconcile, and basically live as roommates now... separate bedrooms, only really discussing the children's needs and household issues. There is no more sex, there is no more trust. We were heading toward full separation when his cancer returned. Now I feel I cannot leave him as his prognosis is very bad, even though I am no longer invested in our marriage. So we merely co-exist and co-parent.

Please consider how this would affect your marriage. If it's not a marriage you want to save, then get a divorce and then move on and experience other women as much as you want. But why hurt someone who stood by you when you needed her the most? From experience I can tell you that hurts like hell and can be impossible (at least it was for me) to forgive.
heartbroken50 is offline  
post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:06 PM
Member
 
Relationship Teacher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 686
Re: Regrets and questions

Life isn't always fun. Our total level of happiness and success is dependent upon what we feel, how we behave, and the interaction between the two.
Quote:
Sorry for the rant. I guess deep down I'm still very upset with the whole thing even after a few years of being healthy and well. The thing is it also made me want to go out and experience life more. So I did. In the form of an online affair with another woman on the other side of the globe. It felt amazing to be wanted and needed again. To find someone new and interesting. To explore different things. It ended and I realize that after talking with this woman that the grass isn't always greener. It may feel like it, but truth is it's exchanging one issue for another.
You are in the search for hormones. Hormones never last. Don't conflate hormones with authentic experiences that you've missed out on. What you are in for is a ride on an untameable bull.

We always see individuals procrastinating and suffering the wrath long-term, or by acting on a whim, also suffering in the long-term. Why this is true is a long-winded explanation that I will spare you for today.

Quote:
So here I am. On to my new issue. For some reason I've had the urge to go and cheat on my wife. Once again I keep telling myself a few things. First that I owe it to myself. That I went through hell and feel like I have nothing to show for it. My friends are off with pretty decent lives, kids, good marriage, on and on. Why shouldn't I be happy too? The other is that I hate the thought that I missed out on something. We have an okay sex life and I'm almost sure there's guy's here that would trade what they have for what I have. I just can't help but feel like something is missing. The sad truth is I never really touched another woman. At this point all I want is something with no strings, just something physical. Just so maybe I don't feel like I've missed out on something.
You owe what to yourself? ________________

Why shouldn't you be happy, too? That is your responsibility. Believe me, I take plenty of flak for some of my heterodox beliefs/advice. But it is from an incredibly positive place. You can do very little to make the world around you conform to what you need it to. What you can do is work on yourself. Only you can make yourself happy. We have to do this, pretty much no matter what our circumstances are. Someone can always say they have worse life conditions than you. Some have better life conditions than you and they are miserable. Rarely is there a blanket excuse for genuine misery. That means that all of these circumstances stem from you, that is, the agreements, associations and commitments that you have to life.

What is missing with your sex life?

What do you get out of a sexual fling 10 years after the fact?
Quote:
Yes I know I'm a horrible person. My wife of almost 8 years sitting in the hospital with me as I lay in the bed not knowing if I was going to be okay. The same woman that goes with me to every oncology appointment because she knows I'm scared about what the results may be even though I'm pretty much in the clear. Fine I'm a ****ty person/husband for wanting this. I do try and be the husband she needs, deserves and wants, just like she does for me.
You have identified the consequences to your actions. You know the circumstance. What you are missing is some understanding about them along with rational self-doubt. I don't believe you are an awful person. I believe you lack impulse control and need help with self-awareness. These are simple things that you can do to fix this problem. They do require time and energy, but isn't it worth it?

Quote:
I haven't done anything yet, if only because the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. Yet when I found myself pricing escorts and trying to find a way to hide it all I knew I had an issue. One that I want to fix. Because I'm scared where it might lead me. It might give me what I wanted, a chance to experience the "single" life I never really had but it's too great of a cost.
You don't have your catalyst. You need to wake up and look more seriously at the consequences that you know are there. Do this:

Write down on a piece of paper that if you cheat, your wife will find out and you will be required to get divorced. What cognitions does that thought arouse within you? After all, it should be considered that the relationship fails due to this affair. Is that something that you are willing to give up for 5-10 minutes of pleasure? Have you considered that even if she stays with you the cost that it has on her? Have you considered the incredible healing that you will have to go through regardless of the outcome. All of this for an odd night of sex.
Quote:
Has anyone else been down this road? What does it take to stop these feelings? Why do I feel the way I do? Why can't I just be happy with what I have?
You can and should be happy. The affair will certainly make your life worse, even if you got away with it.

Please answer the questions and consider what I laid out for you.
Relationship Teacher is offline  
post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:48 PM
Member
 
EunuchMonk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 585
Re: Regrets and questions

Suck it up OP. Your marriage is good. Your wife is supportive of you. Why do you want to dog her like that? Im going to say something and I say it with compassion, you need a swift kick in the ass.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
EunuchMonk is offline  
post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:17 PM
Forum Supporter
 
VeryHurt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 3,326
Re: Regrets and questions

If getting cancer and going through chemo didn't get you to count your blessings, no one here will.
VeryHurt is offline  
post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:19 PM
Member
 
Spicy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Depends on time of year
Posts: 706
Re: Regrets and questions

I think it is time for some massively open communication between you and your wife. Talk to her about how you are feeling. Everyone handles serious illness in different ways, and you seem to be handling it with the "OMG there is so much I haven't done or tried" way.

She sounds like a good, supportive wife. If you approach her with how difficult it is for you to talk to her about this, and also express to her that you are worried about her reaction. Then proceed on to tell her the whole truth, including the online affair.

As of right now, you have no one to hold you responsible for your actions and desires. If you allow your wife in, then you have much more accountability, and she can help you stay on the moral straight and narrow.

Having meaningless physical affairs will only serve to cheapen who you are. It will be playing Russian roulette. Is it worth it just to experience an orgasm with a different person or two? Buy your wife some different role play lingerie (French maid, naughty nurse) and become different people for a wild night of passion.

You are headed down a path of total emptiness and misery because you are feeling sorry for yourself. If you want to be on that path, divorce your wife so you don't drag her down it with you, she certianly doesn't deserve it.

Ciao,

Spicy
Spicy is online now  
post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:26 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,997
Re: Regrets and questions

The problem is you, not your wife or your circumstances. Circumstances always change, your wife it there to work on it together. You are the one that has to change though. You are going to blow up your world and your poor wife. And you already cheated on her once. This will not end well for you and you will not end up happy I am afraid.

You are not entitled to more then a woman who loves you. No one is.
sokillme is online now  
post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 08:22 AM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 698
Re: Regrets and questions

Wow, it's the "All About FlMedic Show" - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Grab your crying towels boys and girls, and join the pity party already in progress.

Yesterday, we left Mr. Medic sadly ruminating about how unfair life is because of his inability to attract women in his youth and have all kinds of sex and debauchery with them. Due to his failings in his misspent youth, he feels he's missed out in life and deserves to make up for that loss. Now that he's finally got some sexual experience under his belt because some woman finally found him worthy of touching, he suddenly thinks he's Mr. Stud and needs to get out and hit them two at a time.

And let's not forget all that cam experience he now has, jerking off for some pitiful woman across the world who found his little chicken-choking dog and pony show 'hot.'

Mr. Medic is also crying foul that due to his medical issues, there may not be any kids in his marriage. Strangely enough, he doesn't even mention how something this life-altering might be affecting his dedicated wife whose given him 100% loyalty since day #1. No, he doesn't even venture to wonder how something this devastating might be affecting HER, although surely he knows most women do dream of having children and she's possibly been robbed of that. Yet, there she sat at the hospital bedside of Mr. Medic and continues to join him for every doctor appointment while his only concern in life right now is how to score himself some strange tail.

Let's pity the poor guy. He had ZERO experience when he met his wife and here he is 8 years later, crying that sex is just not exciting. One would have to wonder how someone who had no sexual experience at all until some woman finally decided to be with him has now suddenly become such an expert on sex. Yup, it boggles the mind. Because I'm going to lay money down that he's such a bore in the sack that his wife is probably fake moaning as she's mentally making out her grocery list while he thinks he's rocking her world.

So, what's a poor deprived guy dying to experience the 'single' life to DO?

I vote that he put on his best leisure suit, trot on down to the local nightclub, and hit on all the hot young ladies because I'm willing to bet they'll all be lining up to be with our hero, Mr. Medic. Yes sir. Oh - and be sure to slather on some extra Testosterone for the evening, because you'll be scoring big time.
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 08:49 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,512
Cool Re: Regrets and questions

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
You are about to destroy your life for a stupefyingly huge lode of absolutely nothing.

Once you've done that, and the smoldering ruin of your life is laid bare before you, remember that I said that.
I'd go one bold step closer in saying that professional and/or pastoral counseling is now in order to help save this marriage!

I just cannot find any valid rationale nor justification for these self-serving feelings of yours!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is offline  
post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 09:44 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 1,043
Re: Regrets and questions

All pu$$y is the same. You aren't missing out. You and your wife need to spice up the sex. Sex in different places (road head, bathrooms, cars, etc). Bring in some toys. Watch some porn. Is she done with kids? Maybe get her a boob job/tummy tuck.
GuyInColorado is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
BH writes: My regrets as a 46 year old, and advice to others at a crossroad Truthseeker1 Coping with Infidelity 80 03-31-2016 05:09 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome