Life isn't always fun. Our total level of happiness and success is dependent upon what we feel, how we behave, and the interaction between the two.
Sorry for the rant. I guess deep down I'm still very upset with the whole thing even after a few years of being healthy and well. The thing is it also made me want to go out and experience life more. So I did. In the form of an online affair with another woman on the other side of the globe. It felt amazing to be wanted and needed again. To find someone new and interesting. To explore different things. It ended and I realize that after talking with this woman that the grass isn't always greener. It may feel like it, but truth is it's exchanging one issue for another.
You are in the search for hormones. Hormones never
last. Don't conflate hormones with authentic experiences that you've missed out on. What you are in for is a ride on an untameable bull.
We always see individuals procrastinating and suffering the wrath long-term, or by acting on a whim, also suffering in the long-term. Why this is true is a long-winded explanation that I will spare you for today.
So here I am. On to my new issue. For some reason I've had the urge to go and cheat on my wife. Once again I keep telling myself a few things. First that I owe it to myself. That I went through hell and feel like I have nothing to show for it. My friends are off with pretty decent lives, kids, good marriage, on and on. Why shouldn't I be happy too? The other is that I hate the thought that I missed out on something. We have an okay sex life and I'm almost sure there's guy's here that would trade what they have for what I have. I just can't help but feel like something is missing. The sad truth is I never really touched another woman. At this point all I want is something with no strings, just something physical. Just so maybe I don't feel like I've missed out on something.
You owe what to yourself? ________________
Why shouldn't you be happy, too? That is your responsibility. Believe me, I take plenty of flak for some of my heterodox beliefs/advice. But it is from an incredibly positive place. You can do very little to make the world around you conform to what you need it to. What you can do is work on yourself. Only you can make yourself happy. We have to do this, pretty much no matter what our circumstances are. Someone can always say they have worse life conditions than you. Some have better life conditions than you and they are miserable. Rarely is there a blanket excuse for genuine misery. That means that all of these circumstances stem from you, that is, the agreements, associations and commitments that you have to life.
What is missing with your sex life?
What do you get out of a sexual fling 10 years after the fact?
Yes I know I'm a horrible person. My wife of almost 8 years sitting in the hospital with me as I lay in the bed not knowing if I was going to be okay. The same woman that goes with me to every oncology appointment because she knows I'm scared about what the results may be even though I'm pretty much in the clear. Fine I'm a ****ty person/husband for wanting this. I do try and be the husband she needs, deserves and wants, just like she does for me.
You have identified the consequences to your actions. You know the circumstance. What you are missing is some understanding about them along with rational self-doubt. I don't believe you are an awful person. I believe you lack impulse control and need help with self-awareness. These are simple things that you can do to fix this problem. They do require time and energy, but isn't it worth it?
I haven't done anything yet, if only because the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. Yet when I found myself pricing escorts and trying to find a way to hide it all I knew I had an issue. One that I want to fix. Because I'm scared where it might lead me. It might give me what I wanted, a chance to experience the "single" life I never really had but it's too great of a cost.
You don't have your catalyst. You need to wake up and look more seriously at the consequences that you know are there. Do this:
Write down on a piece of paper that if you cheat, your wife will find out and you will be required to get divorced. What cognitions does that thought arouse within you? After all, it should be considered that the relationship fails due to this affair. Is that something that you are willing to give up for 5-10 minutes of pleasure? Have you considered that even if she stays with you the cost that it has on her? Have you considered the incredible healing that you will have to go through regardless of the outcome. All of this for an odd night of sex.
Has anyone else been down this road? What does it take to stop these feelings? Why do I feel the way I do? Why can't I just be happy with what I have?
You can and should be happy. The affair will certainly make your life worse, even if you got away with it.
Please answer the questions and consider what I laid out for you.