If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 04:43 PM Thread Starter
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If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

to her, why do you think that is?

How does your wife feel about your attraction to her not being affected by her weight?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 04:45 PM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

Depends on where on the anatomy the weight gain occurs. If it is distributed to the right areas I have little complaint.

Beer guts? No.
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post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 04:46 PM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

Can't comment. It absolutely WOULD affect my sexual attraction.

It wouldn't affect my love for her. There's most certainly a difference.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:58 PM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

Wow, what a great post. This is something I have been struggling with for years. My wife and I have been separated our 3rd time, this time for the past year and a half, and around 2.5 years of the last 5 years. We have not had sex for over 2 years. A bit of background: I am a recovering porn addict, and have been on a roller coaster of recovery for the past several years. Although I have not been unfaithful with another woman, I have been unfaithful to her with eyes, and have chatted online, etc. I know it has had an effect on our intimacy greatly. It's a very long story which I will not bore anyone with. The gist of it now is that I am in a great place in regards to overcoming addiction, but I now do not think of my wife as a sexual being anymore. I am around very overweight, obese people every day of my life as a physician, and I have grown to hate it with a passion. It's not my thing. I look at my wife now without desire. She is an absolutely wonderful person, sweet, kind, and a loving mother, and a truly amazing person, and yet, for me, my love language is a physical one, and I actually have resented her for gaining weight. I work out very regularly, take care of myself, etc. I want to be able to look at my wife and want her physically. She wants me to love her exactly where she is. And I do. I do love her. But love and desire/passion/attraction are different things. I am sex-starved, having not had any for years. If she would only lose some weight, it would be an aphrodisiac. I realize that I have contributed to this mess. But now, as a healthy person, I want to desire her. I don't know how to overlook obesity, unless I just gain a bunch of weight myself. It is not arousing to me. We have 4 children, 2 of which are either about to be out of college or in college and two other teenagers. I understand that sex is only a portion of intimacy, but I find myself unable to give myself to other forms of intimacy without sexual desire. Does anyone have any ideas???
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post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:57 PM
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Cool Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
to her, why do you think that is?

How does your wife feel about your attraction to her not being affected by her weight?
I would not be nearly as concerned about the physical shape and size of a spouse that I had heretofore pledged my fidelity to as much as I'd be worried about her laciviously and covertly spreading her thighs over in some other horny louts boudoir!

Make losing weight a joint project! Support each other instead of tearing each other down!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 12-14-2016 at 11:03 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 11:05 PM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

I think 20 pounds here or there is to be expected in everyone as we age, so I would have no problem with that. I tend to like what people call thick woman anyway. So if my wife got too skinny that might effect me just as much as if she got very heavy.
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post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:11 AM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

Funny you ask, JLD because I had this exact conversation with my mom last weekend. For some strange reason my mom wants me to find a LTR and think about eventually getting married again so we discussed what I like in women and what I don't. One thing I absolutely won't do is date someone I'm not attracted to and that eliminates fat women from my dating pool. It's not a double standard since I work out regularly and keep in reasonably good shape for my age, and would expect that any partner of mine would do the same. My mom then asked how I could have been attracted to my XWW when she got really fat (this was around the time she had our kids) and really all I can think of is that there was a special bond towards the mother of my children which allowed me to see her in a different way that wasn't solely based on looks. Honestly, I wasn't quite as attracted to her as when she was much thinner but I still found her attractive at that time. On a body fat chart I'd say she got up to around 50% body fat and looked like the stay puffed marshmallow man. Now if I ever bump into old pictures of her I don't know what I was thinking. Objectively she was physically repulsive at that time, but then I didn't seem to notice that much or care.
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post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:14 AM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

Quote:
Originally Posted by 71Climber View Post
Wow, what a great post. This is something I have been struggling with for years. My wife and I have been separated our 3rd time, this time for the past year and a half, and around 2.5 years of the last 5 years. We have not had sex for over 2 years. A bit of background: I am a recovering porn addict, and have been on a roller coaster of recovery for the past several years. Although I have not been unfaithful with another woman, I have been unfaithful to her with eyes, and have chatted online, etc. I know it has had an effect on our intimacy greatly. It's a very long story which I will not bore anyone with. The gist of it now is that I am in a great place in regards to overcoming addiction, but I now do not think of my wife as a sexual being anymore. I am around very overweight, obese people every day of my life as a physician, and I have grown to hate it with a passion. It's not my thing. I look at my wife now without desire. She is an absolutely wonderful person, sweet, kind, and a loving mother, and a truly amazing person, and yet, for me, my love language is a physical one, and I actually have resented her for gaining weight. I work out very regularly, take care of myself, etc. I want to be able to look at my wife and want her physically. She wants me to love her exactly where she is. And I do. I do love her. But love and desire/passion/attraction are different things. I am sex-starved, having not had any for years. If she would only lose some weight, it would be an aphrodisiac. I realize that I have contributed to this mess. But now, as a healthy person, I want to desire her. I don't know how to overlook obesity, unless I just gain a bunch of weight myself. It is not arousing to me. We have 4 children, 2 of which are either about to be out of college or in college and two other teenagers. I understand that sex is only a portion of intimacy, but I find myself unable to give myself to other forms of intimacy without sexual desire. Does anyone have any ideas???
yes. Tell her exactly this. She deserves to know how you feel, especially the still loving her part.
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post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:21 AM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

There would be a point (don't know what) where it would undoubtedly affect my physical attraction to her. No different then I would believe if I put on significant weight it would affect my W's physical attraction to me.

I would imagine most people have a breaking point, so not sure if anyone can genuinely say without a doubt weight gain would not impact their attraction (unless maybe they were never attracted to their W in the first place)
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post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:31 AM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

When my wife and I met, she was a 135 pounds. She is between 40 and 50 pounds heavier now. At 135, she was just the short side of thick, and it was sexy.

I love her soul and her spirit, and that carries the attraction through. However, her weight gain has hampered my attraction towards her.

For the last three years, she has insisted on the lights being off during sex. For a good bit of time, that bothered me. However, the more I look at it, the more it may actually be a blessing in disguise.

I have been supportive and encouraging when she has pursued various things to try to lose weight. Most of her endeavors have been gimmicks , or other ways to try to lose weight that don't require much effort on her part.

However, no amount of encouragement has led to her sticking with anything she has tried.

I worry about this weight gain not just because of the attraction level, but because she just simply does not take care of herself very well from a healthy eating or exercise standpoint.

She is now pre-diabetic. She's indicated that she wants to do some changes, and is seeking me out for help because I for the most part have eliminated high-glycemic foods from my diet.

I hope and pray that she sticks to that.

For the record, I am pretty vigorous in my workout regimen and diet. I am over 20 pounds lighter than I was on our wedding day, and 30 pounds lighter than when we first met.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

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Last edited by farsidejunky; 12-15-2016 at 09:39 AM.
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post #11 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:35 AM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

My ex wife gained a lot of weight after giving birth and never worked to get back in shape. Add the weight gain to the yelling, screaming, and hate, it meant for a 4+ year 100% sexless and lovess marriage. I got out and am dating the woman of my dreams now. I think she'll be single for a LONG time.
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post #12 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:44 AM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

Quote:
Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
I would not be nearly as concerned about the physical shape and size of a spouse that I had heretofore pledged my fidelity to as much as I'd be worried about her laciviously and covertly spreading her thighs over in some other horny louts boudoir!

Make losing weight a joint project! Support each other instead of tearing each other down!
Best post yet.

There is much more to attraction, physically, that comprise the overall idea of a relationship. Good companionship, friendship, fidelity and sexual fulfillment.

My W, since childbirth, has carried the weight and only recently began working on losing it(20 years). In that time my W has been nothing short of awesome. Concerning sexual attraction, I'm was attracted all those years. My W was nothing short of fantastic between the sheets.

Anyway, we now exercise together. I have lost 25 pounds. My W 42 pounds. As Arbitrator stated, support each other.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #13 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:46 AM
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If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

Funny I proposed to my W when she was at her max weight. I just saw her beauty.

She was a bit heavier but never fat for several years. But after kids (multiples) she dropped weight. Having a multiple birth actually causes you to lose weight rather than gain weight so new moms of twins are pretty trim right away. A little known benefit.

I like her curvy so weight gain just shifts the assets around, right? Not to be crass, but looking best in jeans thinner (IMO the best figure for a white woman is a tight booty) or filling a sweater with more pounds. Win/win I say!

But we're talking a 20 lb spread on a 68" frame so that's not very much.

At her max she might have been 45 lbs heavier than now though so that's significant. Old photos definitely show a chubby, happy face so it's all good

I was very trim and am about 70 lbs more than when I met and 45 more than my wedding weight. And in down 35-40 lbs. so my max spread was over 100 lbs. but I never felt fat except when I was briefly at my max. Mentally I've been ok and carried myself accordingly. I suspect that ups my attractiveness. I'm now working out the last few years and as I told her today I'm a good snuggler because I'm like one of those pillow top mattresses - hard inside with a soft outside.

Attitude is way more important than most people give it credit for IMO


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post #14 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:46 AM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

Her weight has varied by as much as 20% (or 25-30 lbs.). It has not affected my attraction, but if she gained considerably more, it most likely would decrease it. She wouldn't like to gain more, either, as she's always been an athlete and active. Even when she was laid up for over a year due to a serious back injury, she barely gained weight - partly because she rigorously did all her prescribed exercises and physical therapy, and because she watched her diet to conform to her activity level. Even at her highest weight when ill, her BMI was no more than 22; at her fittest, it's 19 or 20. We've both gained a little over the years, but that's almost inevitable - but, we both eat healthy and exercise, and make an effort to keep the gains in check.

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post #15 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:49 AM
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Re: If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
When my wife and I met, she was a 135 pounds. She is between 40 and 50 pounds heavier now. At 135, she was just the short side of thick, and it was sexy.

I love her soul and her spirit, and that carries the attraction through. However, her weight gain has hampered my attraction towards her.

For the last three years, she has insisted on the lights being off during sex. For a good bit of time, that bothered me. However, the more I look at it, the more it may actually be a blessing in disguise.

I have been supportive and encouraging when she has pursued various things to try to lose weight. Most of her endeavors have been gimmicks , or other ways to try to lose weight that don't require much effort on her part.

However, no amount of encouragement has led to her sticking with anything she has tried.

I worry about this weight gain not just because of the attraction level, but because she just simply does not take care of herself very well from a healthy eating or exercise standpoint.

She is now pre-diabetic. She's indicated that she wants to do some changes, and is seeking me out for help because I for the most part have eliminated high-glycemic foods from my diet.

I hope and pray that she sticks to that.

For the record, I am pretty vigorous in my workout regimen and diet. I am over 20 pounds lighter than I was on our wedding day, and 30 pounds lighter than when we first met.
Far, perhaps if you took on the role of primary cook? I cook most of my family's meals. Consequently, when I eat well, they eat well. When I eat like crap, so do they.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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