Shouldn't we have it all?? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 01:53 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Honestly, I do not think it's my duty to ask her to work out for me anymore, or refine her diet so as to be able to lose the weight. It is so difficult not to be so incredibly frustrated about it. To me, she should want to look her best for me, same as I do for her, that should be a no-brainer. I'm telling you, what I hear every time I look at her is "I really don't care how I look for you". All I can do is continue to exercise myself, eat right, and try to maintain my physique. With her knowledge that it is an issue, and her failure to do anything towards changing that, it's going to be difficult to work around. I WANT TO WANT MY WIFE IN ADDITION TO LOVING EVERYTHING ABOUT HER CHARACTER. For a guy, for me, WANTING her is such an integral part in how we relate to one another. It makes everything come together.
My husband gained a lot of weight, and I too find it a turn off. But I don't think of it as something he has done to me. No, it's something he's done to himself.

People gain weight for all kinds of reasons and it can be real struggle to lose.

I get that you want to want her. But taking it personally isn't doing either of you any favors.
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post #17 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 01:57 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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One of the emotional needs that some people have is for an attractive spouse. This is a legitimate need and is not shameful to have (I have a high need for an attractive spouse, too). Through understanding the MB literature and program, you will understand this about yourself better too and then if you can get your wife to understand it, there is hope.
I would think this a dangerous need for LTR. Not very many of us get prettier as we get older, and most can decline quite remarkably.

What does one do then? Trade in for someone better?
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post #18 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 04:32 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I would think this a dangerous need for LTR. Not very many of us get prettier as we get older, and most can decline quite remarkably.

What does one do then? Trade in for someone better?
Probably, if they can.

That seems to be the reality of the relationship marketplace: people seek what they can get, whether in terms of physical attraction, or money, or sense of humor, or intelligence, or emotional comfort, or not being such a pita, or whatever it is that is desired.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man

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post #19 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 04:51 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Happy to say this topic has been discussed logically and with compassion and without criticism.........This is a big issue for men......and rightfully for women as well. We all need to be cognizant of our appearance to the best of our ability.
It is, isn't it?

It really is pretty much the same with women, you know, but many won't admit it because... well, that isn't what 'good' women are supposed to do, is it? Historically, we've been taught to lie to men and only tell them things that make them feel good about themselves. Openness and honesty are far healthier options, though.

The OP has every right to his feelings about his W's weight gain, and he really does need to let her know to what extent it's affecting his attraction towards her, and if she isn't listening to his gentle hints, perhaps it's time to lay his cards completely on the table with her.

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post #20 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 04:57 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I would think this a dangerous need for LTR. Not very many of us get prettier as we get older, and most can decline quite remarkably.



What does one do then? Trade in for someone better?


OP is specifically referring to the wife's weight, not her normal aging. Weight is a manageable issue.
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post #21 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 05:44 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

OP, first you need to get honest.

You don't work out and stay fit and trim for HER, you do it for yourself. She benefits from it of course, but you do it for YOU, not her. You're trying to spin this like it's a sacrifice you make in order to please her so she should be thinking and doing the same thing for you.

I call bullsh*t because I can guarantee you if you were single, you'd STILL be doing exactly what you're doing now to maintain your physique.

There are plenty of people perfectly comfortable in their own skin, and she just happens to be one of them (unfortunately for you). She's become complacent and probably isn't aware of how much of an issue this really IS for you.

I completely understand your problem with loving her but not being sexually attracted to her.

Not a fan of self help books or Dr. Harley from the Marriage Builder's site, but they have a list of the 5 top things men and women seek in a partner, and the need for a physically attractive partner is #3 on the men's list. That doesn't even get into the top #5 for the women. LOL.

My point is, you're not alone. Not by a long shot.

How to convey this to your wife without starting World War III? That, indeed, is the $64,000 question.

Maybe you can ask her t embark on a new health and fitness plan together?
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post #22 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 06:26 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

I think it would be a real favor to her for you to be completely transparent with her, OP.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #23 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 09:14 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

No only should you be transparent to her, but she should be to you as well.

A likely scenario is you telling her you have lost attraction to her and her telling you she does not care. Or she makes a list of stuff she does for the marriage and you don't.

Who knows, she may have lost attraction to you as well. Like you are not inspiring her. It would be useful for you to know.

Do you know if your wife is attracted to you?

Why should she change for you?

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post #24 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 10:09 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
OP is specifically referring to the wife's weight, not her normal aging. Weight is a manageable issue.
I think it's mostly the same difference. Of course one can always lose weight -- but one also has to be willing to adopt a certain sort of lifestyle to do so. Women are already more likely to store fat than men, and this increases as we get older and after kids.

The need is said to be for an attractive spouse. It doesn't specify amount of control. And we can fight aging with cosmetic surgery, botox, make-up. If "attractive" is a need, do we insist on these things as well?
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post #25 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 11:12 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by wild jade View Post
I think it's mostly the same difference. Of course one can always lose weight -- but one also has to be willing to adopt a certain sort of lifestyle to do so. Women are already more likely to store fat than men, and this increases as we get older and after kids.

The need is said to be for an attractive spouse. It doesn't specify amount of control. And we can fight aging with cosmetic surgery, botox, make-up. If "attractive" is a need, do we insist on these things as well?
Good points. That's why I asked OP if he wants her as she was, or if he's looking for her to make a reasonable effort.

To me the later is reasonable.....we just have to understand that what we get for our effort can change as we get older, so if he's looking for her to be as she was that may not be reasonable.

And it's been my experience that many men don't see themselves as they really are.....they see themselves as they were 20 years ago, so they expect it from their wives as well. Women probably do this to a lesser extent, but I think thanks to media we're a tad more aware of the fact that we're getting older.

Not all men of course, just some.

If he wants reasonable effort that's understandable, but I think he should start with things like inviting her to the gym and offering to watch the kids so she can go. And he can start cooking some healthy meals for he family.

If that doesn't work he can have a gentle, loving conversation with her.

We do tend to hold more fat than men but I think a lot of men like that. It's what gives us our womanly shape.....women who lose too much fat start to look a little masculine.
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post #26 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 11:16 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
OP, first you need to get honest.

[B]You don't work out and stay fit and trim for HER, you do it for yourself[/B]. She benefits from it of course, but you do it for YOU, not her. You're trying to spin this like it's a sacrifice you make in order to please her so she should be thinking and doing the same thing for you.

I call bullsh*t because I can guarantee you if you were single, you'd STILL be doing exactly what you're doing now to maintain your physique.

There are plenty of people perfectly comfortable in their own skin, and she just happens to be one of them (unfortunately for you). She's become complacent and probably isn't aware of how much of an issue this really IS for you.

I completely understand your problem with loving her but not being sexually attracted to her.

Not a fan of self help books or Dr. Harley from the Marriage Builder's site, but they have a list of the 5 top things men and women seek in a partner, and the need for a physically attractive partner is #3 on the men's list. That doesn't even get into the top #5 for the women. LOL.

My point is, you're not alone. Not by a long shot.

How to convey this to your wife without starting World War III? That, indeed, is the $64,000 question.

Maybe you can ask her t embark on a new health and fitness plan together?
Amen. I did 15 miles today for ME.....if it was for my hb i would've spent the last 3 miles calling him every four letter word I could think of.
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post #27 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 12:34 PM
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Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by wild jade View Post
I think it's mostly the same difference. Of course one can always lose weight -- but one also has to be willing to adopt a certain sort of lifestyle to do so. Women are already more likely to store fat than men, and this increases as we get older and after kids.

The need is said to be for an attractive spouse. It doesn't specify amount of control. And we can fight aging with cosmetic surgery, botox, make-up. If "attractive" is a need, do we insist on these things as well?


No. Not the same difference. His issue is with her weight. He didn't mention botox. You can discuss that in another thread if you want a general discussion on ways to hide aging.

Last month my father passed away. I saw relatives and old neighbors i had not seen in 30-40 years. Many women 50-55. I was very surprised that the women were very attractive at that age (don't attack me. It's not my thread). I previously thought 30-45 was my range for attractiveness.

It's very frustrating when you cook a healthy meal and 30 minutes later your spouse is eating ice cream.

OP needs to dig deeper and understand the cause of his wife's eating. I bet it is depression or stress related, indicating more relationship problems than he is willing to admit. Or notice.

Everything in a relationship is interrelated. I was asleep while my wife gained 100 lbs and i am still dealing with the after effects. Through TAM my eyes are more open. I haven't solved the problems but at least I am aware of them.

Ultimately she is responsible for her weight. But i am sure she is picking up signals either consciously or subconsciously that he is not happy with her appearance

OP needs to take a holistic approach to the problem. Not just tell her to go to the gym.

Last edited by blueinbr; 12-24-2016 at 12:44 PM.
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post #28 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 12:52 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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No. Not the same difference. His issue is with her weight. He didn't mention botox. You can discuss that in another thread if you want a general discussion on ways to hide aging.

Last month my father passed away. I saw relatives and old neighbors i had not seen in 30-40 years. Many women 50-55. I was very surprised that the women were very attractive at that age (don't attack me. It's not my thread). I previously thought 30-45 was my range for attractiveness.

It's very frustrating when you cook a healthy meal and 30 minutes later your spouse is eating ice cream.

OP needs to dig deeper and understand the cause of his wife's eating. I bet it is depression or stress related, indicating more relationship problems than he is willing to admit. Or notice.

Everything in a relationship is interrelated. I was asleep while my wife gained 100 lbs and i am still dealing with the after effects. Through TAM my eyes are more open. I haven't solved the problems but at least I am aware of them.

Ultimately she is responsible for her weight. But i am sure she is picking up signals either consciously or subconsciously that he is not happy with her appearance

OP needs to take a holistic approach to the problem. Not just tell her to go to the gym.
What's your issue with ice cream?

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post #29 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 01:59 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

If you have been feeling this way for a few years, AND YOU HAVE STILL BEEN HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE DURING THAT TIME, she just might think that you're bat sheet crazy. After all, if you're not "sexually attracted" to someone, you DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THEM, right? Because if you DO, you're pretty much just using them for sex and not really that "turned off" by their weight.

At least, that's how your wife might think.

No matter how gently you approach the subject, it's going to hurt her. And yes, she might become angry enough to where she starts losing the weight and then dumps you for being so shallow and hypocritical.
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post #30 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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If you have been feeling this way for a few years, AND YOU HAVE STILL BEEN HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE DURING THAT TIME, she just might think that you're bat sheet crazy. After all, if you're not "sexually attracted" to someone, you DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THEM, right? Because if you DO, you're pretty much just using them for sex and not really that "turned off" by their weight.



At least, that's how your wife might think.



No matter how gently you approach the subject, it's going to hurt her. And yes, she might become angry enough to where she starts losing the weight and then dumps you for being so shallow and hypocritical.


It could be the boiled frog scenario. Most likely he has been slowly losing attraction as her weight gone up until a break point was reached.

He is not being shallow. He is trying to address the issue.
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