Shouldn't we have it all?? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 03:30 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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It could be the boiled frog scenario. Most likely he has been slowly losing attraction as her weight gone up until a break point was reached.

He is not being shallow. He is trying to address the issue.
Actually, he's not trying to address anything if his post below is any indication.

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Originally Posted by veryfrustrateddude
Honestly, I do not think it's my duty to ask her to work out for me anymore, or refine her diet so as to be able to lose the weight. It is so difficult not to be so incredibly frustrated about it. To me, she should want to look her best for me, same as I do for her, that should be a no-brainer. I'm telling you, what I hear every time I look at her is "I really don't care how I look for you". All I can do is continue to exercise myself, eat right, and try to maintain my physique. With her knowledge that it is an issue, and her failure to do anything towards changing that, it's going to be difficult to work around. I WANT TO WANT MY WIFE IN ADDITION TO LOVING EVERYTHING ABOUT HER CHARACTER. For a guy, for me, WANTING her is such an integral part in how we relate to one another. It makes everything come together.
He's hoping she'll figure it out herself but as @Vega said, she'll never believe that he's lost sexual attraction for her if he's still having sex with her.

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post #32 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 04:54 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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No. Not the same difference. His issue is with her weight. He didn't mention botox. You can discuss that in another thread if you want a general discussion on ways to hide aging.

Last month my father passed away. I saw relatives and old neighbors i had not seen in 30-40 years. Many women 50-55. I was very surprised that the women were very attractive at that age (don't attack me. It's not my thread). I previously thought 30-45 was my range for attractiveness.

It's very frustrating when you cook a healthy meal and 30 minutes later your spouse is eating ice cream.
Looks is looks is looks.

Listen, trust me, I get how unattractive weight gain is. I live with it every day, and know what it means to lose attraction to the one you love.

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OP needs to take a holistic approach to the problem. Not just tell her to go to the gym.
Exactly my point!

Fat shaming or nagging, or scowling every time someone eats a bowl of ice cream ain't a solution. It just makes everyone more miserable. Sometimes -- actually always -- you don't get to have it all. People aren't perfect.

And when it comes to beauty or attractiveness a whole lot can go wrong as we grow older. Ultimately, I think anyone who wants a life partner is going to have to suck that up. Or keep trading in.

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post #33 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 04:58 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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He's hoping she'll figure it out herself
I certainly hope that is not the case. BTDT. Didn't work. The problem just got worse.
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post #34 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 05:41 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

VFD,
Why don't you actually say anything at all about your sex life in the post below?

You talk about desire, but not sex. If you have lost desire, how is that not obvious to your wife (from now on she is V2).

If what you say is true, than you have stopped initiating right? If so, does she initiate or have you simply stopped having sex entirely.

You asked for honest answers, but haven't provided a true picture of what is happening.

My guess - you are still having regular sex - or you would have said you weren't. Its kind of obvious why you are leaving that part out, but no one can help you without that information.





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Ok, so I have read many posts about sex, sexual attraction, love languages, body weight changes, etc, etc., and I am just going to come right out with it and put it on the table. This is for the guys, and I want honest answers. I'm sure some of the ladies will enter the clubhouse and offer their opinions as well. Here's the deal...I have been married for 15 years, and for the past couple of years, my wife has been steadily gaining weight, to the point that I am no longer sexually attracted to her. When we married, she was about 120 lbs, very height-weight proportional, attractive, awesome. No issues. She's about 5'3 1/2. Now, she's probably at 160-165, and she has lost her shape, and it seems to not bother her. There is no effort to try to do everything to get back into shape. And, as we all know, this is a touchy subject. She's very kind, selfless, thoughtful, patient, all the attributes that any man would die for in a mate. She's a great mother as well to our children. There are no issues of infidelity, porn, or anything of that matter. We have a clean slate as it pertains to that. Many women wear that weight well, or have a few more inches of height to distribute it.

I am a visual creature. I think most guys, if not all, are. A large part of my being able to draw near to her is being able to think about her sexually. To be able to think about her naked, think about looking at her body and saying to myself, "Wow, that's mine..I get to enjoy that". That was once the case, but it no longer is. Listen, I know we all change as we age. But I believe in fighting that tooth and nail. Staying in shape is a definite part of my own routine. I exercise several times a week, I do my part. I don't have a pot belly. I take care of myself. Isn't it ok to expect the same from my bride?? I am not trying to be Shallow Hal, but I am having a serious issue with attraction, and it is entirely connected to my wife's weight. It is difficult to look at an overweight belly and not be turned off by that. I am sorry, I am just being honest here. It's just not part of my makeup. Marriage is a composition of friendship love, commitment, and romantic love. One of the key elements of romantic love is passion and arousal. I love my wife, ok. I truly do, with all of my heart. But I have to be able to desire her as well. I just have to.

I am ready for many women to insult me and say how shallow I am, and how I should "love my wife no matter how much she weighs". I DO love my wife no matter how much she weighs. But I DON'T desire her sexually no matter how much she weighs. The two things are different. And I must have both in order to remain married. That may sound harsh, but what I hear my wife say to me by her not caring about her weight is "I don't care how I look for you". That's what I hear. And if I feel that way, where do we go from there? I believe this is a real issue, and that I am not the only guy that feels this way. Love should be unconditional, I agree. But I'm sorry, desire is not. And desire is crucial. I don't know how to suppress these feelings and overcome them. I do not view my wife as a sexual being anymore.
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post #35 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 08:28 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Thanks to everyone for all of their replies, I have not had the opportunity to respond, but it has been a good thread. No, I haven't provided every detail, as I did not wish to become too long-winded. As far as asking my wife to go to the gym, etc, she has been more active in the past, and largely liked to do classes, etc. With our schedules, and children, it's not practical. She's not the type to want to go to the gym with me and do my workouts with me. Just not her thing, and that's ok. As far as our sex life, it is very infrequent. I hold much anger, resentment, blame, and frustration towards her for not taking care of herself. I am sure that comes across. Essentially, we are friends at this point. I no longer think of her as a sexual being. I have no desire for her. That would all change, I am certain, if there was any sort of visual attraction. And listen, I get all of this "when we get older, we all deteriorate" kind of arguments. That happens to us all. I am NOT talking about that. It's simple---I want to desire my wife, and if I cannot, then I cannot draw near to her in a full way. I cannot make love to a flabby belly, unless I also have a flabby belly, and then it cancels out. I don't WANT to feel this way, but I do. My body is my wife's and her body is mine. Am I being unreasonable? If my wife even TRIED to get into shape, it would be a start. I would notice that. I am tired of the baggy clothes. I am tired of the sweatpants. I am tired of the ball caps.
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post #36 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 09:14 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by veryfrustratedude View Post
Thanks to everyone for all of their replies, I have not had the opportunity to respond, but it has been a good thread. No, I haven't provided every detail, as I did not wish to become too long-winded. As far as asking my wife to go to the gym, etc, she has been more active in the past, and largely liked to do classes, etc. With our schedules, and children, it's not practical. She's not the type to want to go to the gym with me and do my workouts with me. Just not her thing, and that's ok. As far as our sex life, it is very infrequent. I hold much anger, resentment, blame, and frustration towards her for not taking care of herself. I am sure that comes across. Essentially, we are friends at this point. I no longer think of her as a sexual being. I have no desire for her. That would all change, I am certain, if there was any sort of visual attraction. And listen, I get all of this "when we get older, we all deteriorate" kind of arguments. That happens to us all. I am NOT talking about that. It's simple---I want to desire my wife, and if I cannot, then I cannot draw near to her in a full way. I cannot make love to a flabby belly, unless I also have a flabby belly, and then it cancels out. I don't WANT to feel this way, but I do. My body is my wife's and her body is mine. Am I being unreasonable? If my wife even TRIED to get into shape, it would be a start. I would notice that. I am tired of the baggy clothes. I am tired of the sweatpants. I am tired of the ball caps.
Maybe tell all of that to her, and in a not-quite-so-gentle way.

As far as your schedules go, maybe take some of what she usually deals with off of her so that she has time to go to the gym.

Or buy some gym equipment for the house.

ETA: What's with the second account?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #37 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 09:20 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Have you thought through divorce? Really sat down and done the math, and are ready to face that reality?
Reality will sink in once he plots dollars in the horizontal axis and pounds in the vertical axis...

So, what's the OP to do when she improves now, time passes, and they're both 50 and she doesn't pass muster? 55? 60?

Stick around in any marriage board and a couple dozen pounds are the least of anyone's concerns... I'm not trying to trivialize your issue, but I'm in a rather crappy marriage yet my wife at 57 puts most 40-45 year olds to shame. For all the good that has done.
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post #38 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 09:27 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

I had to create a different profile name, changed it by one letter, because I kept getting an error with my password, etc, couldn't change it, so I just made a new one, kept it very similar to old one. I don't know if anyone else has had trouble logging in, etc, maybe it's a website issue.

Here's the tricky thing about getting in shape, exercise..I do help her as much as I am able with our children. If I am not working, I offer to help. I drive the kids to soccer, pick them up from school, take them to school(which I enjoy all of these things anyway, of course), take our daughter to cello, give my wife "free days" with no responsibilities. I do all of the yard work, cook for the family fairly often. I always check in with her when I leave work to ask if she needs anything. She does not work, so during the school months, she has time from 8am to 3pm with which she could squeeze it in if she wants to. I do, and I work probably 60 hours a week, sometimes more hours. And as far as losing weight---anyone who wants to do it can do it. It's 75% diet and 25% exercise.
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post #39 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 09:51 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Have you discussed this with your wife in a loving manner?

The problem you have is that since you made it obvious you resent her even if she were to decide to get into shape she'll likely never forget your attitude and it will effect how much she wants you.

That's why it's so important to discuss things like this in a loving manner before you start getting mad about it.

Do you even know what your wife thinks about her level of fitness? Does it bother her?

Is there any chance she doesn't actually want sex with you and thus ignores the weight so you'll leave her alone?
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post #40 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 10:05 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

"Do you even know what your wife thinks about her level of fitness? Does it bother her?"

This is a good question, but I would submit that the answer lies in whether or not she does something about it. I mean, isn't it reasonable to surmise that if something bothers someone, and there's a way to change it(diet and exercise), and if there are no efforts to change it, then it really doesn't bother her. There are plenty of people who simply do not care or wish to put forth the effort to maintain a reasonable body weight, and that's certainly ok. I am not trying to be difficult, I am just being honest. And no, that's not the issue at all, her not wanting to have sex with me.
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post #41 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 03:23 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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There are no issues of infidelity, porn, or anything of that matter. We have a clean slate as it pertains to that.
Congratulations on the above^^^. That's always a biggie to me. I believe that when a spouse (usually the H, but not *always*) looks to porn for stimulation and inspiration; it can cause the wife to feel like "why bother, I can never measure up to that kind of standard or expectation".


So, that possibility out of the way; I feel for you. I absolutely agree that we should maintain our attractiveness to the best of our abilities. Normal aging notwithstanding.

Note, she gets to have a fit spouse whenever she has sex. Don't know if that's a factor here. But some folks do feel entitled to an attractive mate; without putting in any effort to maintain their own bodies. Maybe she doesn't care either way. But if you gained bunch of weight, do you think she'd notice? Does she remark on any aspect of your appearance.?
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post #42 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 07:20 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

It's not always as simple as thinking that if it bothered her she'd do something about it.

I'm saying this as one who's going to put in 45 miles this week, so you know I'm not projecting.

Losing weight can be a very daunting task, and when a person feels terrible about themselves it can be hard to get motivated.

Factor in a spouse that's obviously angry and resentful, thus sending the message that you're disgusting, and that can make motivation even harder to find. It's akin to fat shaming, which often has the opposite mental effect of what was intended.

As I've said before, I understand why a lot of weight gain would bother you. If my hb put on a lot of weight I wouldn't like it either.

So I'll ask again: have you had a frank but loving discussion with her? Have you asked her if there's a fitness class she'd like to attend while you stay with the kids? Are you cooking or suggesting healthy meals and what is her response?

I still feel like you're penalizing her without actually having made clear how you feel about this.
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post #43 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 08:55 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

OP, is your wife happy?

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post #44 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 11:04 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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It's not always as simple as thinking that if it bothered her she'd do something about it.

I'm saying this as one who's going to put in 45 miles this week, so you know I'm not projecting.

Losing weight can be a very daunting task, and when a person feels terrible about themselves it can be hard to get motivated.

Factor in a spouse that's obviously angry and resentful, thus sending the message that you're disgusting, and that can make motivation even harder to find. It's akin to fat shaming, which often has the opposite mental effect of what was intended.

.
Yes, exactly! It isn't just as simple as "if this bothers me I would do something about it". When a person feels terrible about themselves or how they look (or both), summoning any sort of motivation to get fit or eat right is impossible.

It is a form of hopelessness and a "why bother because I'm ugly and it won't make any difference anyway."
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post #45 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 11:30 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Yes, exactly! It isn't just as simple as "if this bothers me I would do something about it". When a person feels terrible about themselves or how they look (or both), summoning any sort of motivation to get fit or eat right is impossible.



It is a form of hopelessness and a "why bother because I'm ugly and it won't make any difference anyway."


Yeah, well, the motivation is to stay married. Will she feel better being divorced?
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