Shouldn't we have it all?? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Yeah, well, the motivation is to stay married. Will she feel better being divorced?
I think so. Especially after he has that transparent talk with her.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #47 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 12:15 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Yeah, well, the motivation is to stay married. Will she feel better being divorced?
Yes, that's probably what it boils down to. But having that threat over her head stands a good chance of making her feel even worse about herself and more deeply mired in that negative cycle.

Being single, though, might be an even better motivator. Or not. Depends on her.
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post #48 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 12:55 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I think so. Especially after he has that transparent talk with her.


You just made the point that honesty leads to divorce.
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post #49 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 12:57 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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You just made the point that honesty leads to divorce.
It may. I don't see it as a negative.

You do not want to make an idol out of staying married, blue. You want to stay married because that is the healthiest path for both you and your wife.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #50 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 07:54 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Thanks again to everyone for the comments, and Merry Christmas evening to all🎄.

This evening, less than an hour ago, I talked with my wife. I told her that it was important that I was honest with her. Essentially, I told her that I wanted to want her, and that, due to her not taking care of herself, that the passion that we once had is diminishing, and has been for awhile. I told her that I was concerned that she wasn't taking care of herself, not sleeping enough, not eating as healthy as she should, and not having time to exercise, as well as do the other things that she likes. She stated that she needs me to love her unconditionally, and I said that my love for her IS unconditional. Nothing could ever change that. Whether she weighed 500 lbs or 120 lbs, that doesn't change. But I tried to express to her that my DESIRE for her is affected by whether or not she takes care of herself. I cannot help that. I want to want HER, no one else, and I want her to want me to want her, if that makes sense. It makes me feel like she doesn't care if I want her or not when she doesn't take care of herself(I didn't tell her this last part). I told her that I will do everything in my power to provide her with time to take care of herself, whether that means sleep or exercise or just getting out of the house. I understand that she needs time just for herself. It was a difficult conversation, but I think it went pretty well. I'm glad we talked. Now, it's up to me to put my money where my mouth is and support her while allowing her to take care of herself, and it's up to her to make any lifestyle changes in response to our conversation. We'll see what happens.
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post #51 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 08:18 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Pay her $500 for every pound she loses and keeps off.
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post #52 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 08:33 PM
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post #53 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 08:37 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Good start!

Can you go buy her an outfit that you would enjoy she wears? Make sure it is a size smaller than what she wears now. Let her know that you would love to have her wear it, let's say in a month or so, for a special dinner/date just for the two of you. I think that will be a good incentive and it will also let you know if she understands the importance of trying to please you and becoming healthier as well.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #54 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 08:51 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Sounds like a great conversation. Great job telling her that you do love her unconditionally, but passion is separate from love.

Is it your feeling that she was receptive?

That was an important conversation.
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post #55 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 09:41 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Lifeistooshort, yes, I think she was receptive. I know those words are difficult to hear. I needed her to know that, from the depth of my being, that it is something that I am struggling with. I do not like the emotions that have been coming to the surface within me over the past many months. They are not conducive to a healthy relationship. Furthermore, if I was unwilling to say anything, then it would only get worse. As a matter of fact, the more in-shape I would become, the more resentment I would have, assuredly, and I greatly enjoy a regular rigorous regimen. I am glad we talked. Now, we'll see if there are any results. I cannot and will not attempt to control what she does or does not do. I am not going to hover over her, gawking at her, shaming her, or make her feel guilty. I can't control that. All I can do myself is take care of myself physically, for myself, and try to do everything in my power to be supportive. Thank you for your responses.
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post #56 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 06:13 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Great talk!

Consider a Home gym expansion or Women's gym membership as a new years gift. I love our home gym.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #57 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 06:29 AM
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She needs a motivation to work out and it has to become a way of life, otherwise I doubt she will remain fit if she should manage to lose some by dieting.

Getting fit is hard work. That's why so many don't wanna do it despite all health benefits.

Eventually, it will be up to you if it is acceptable to give her a choice -> fit or divorce. If she yields and gets fit, she will thank you forever and if not, it's your choice to live with someone you find unattractive for the rest of your life. The choice seems easy..
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post #58 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 07:44 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by veryfrustratedude View Post
Thanks again to everyone for the comments, and Merry Christmas evening to all🎄.

This evening, less than an hour ago, I talked with my wife. I told her that it was important that I was honest with her. Essentially, I told her that I wanted to want her, and that, due to her not taking care of herself, that the passion that we once had is diminishing, and has been for awhile. I told her that I was concerned that she wasn't taking care of herself, not sleeping enough, not eating as healthy as she should, and not having time to exercise, as well as do the other things that she likes. She stated that she needs me to love her unconditionally, and I said that my love for her IS unconditional. Nothing could ever change that. Whether she weighed 500 lbs or 120 lbs, that doesn't change. But I tried to express to her that my DESIRE for her is affected by whether or not she takes care of herself. I cannot help that. I want to want HER, no one else, and I want her to want me to want her, if that makes sense. It makes me feel like she doesn't care if I want her or not when she doesn't take care of herself(I didn't tell her this last part). I told her that I will do everything in my power to provide her with time to take care of herself, whether that means sleep or exercise or just getting out of the house. I understand that she needs time just for herself. It was a difficult conversation, but I think it went pretty well. I'm glad we talked. Now, it's up to me to put my money where my mouth is and support her while allowing her to take care of herself, and it's up to her to make any lifestyle changes in response to our conversation. We'll see what happens.
Why did you not tell her the bolded?

You need to tell her everything, OP. That is what transparent means.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #59 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 07:58 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Jld, I didn't tell her that part because I feel like the choice to work out primarily has to come from within, for herself. I do not want her to workout out of fear of loss of our marriage. I only wanted to make her aware of how her weight is affecting my desire for her. In a sense, overall it can't be "about me". In a sense, it's a shot across the bow, that I am not neutral when it comes to fitness, when it comes to weight gain, that desiring her is something I must have. I want her to want to take care of herself, for herself, and sure, I want to benefit from it as well. She can't be thinking "I've got to do this or else", I want her to think "I'm going to take care of myself. I want to do this. I want to eat better, lose weight, and be more attractive to my husband". I cannot get tied up emotionally in all of it. All I can do is hope things change, and give her every encouragement and opportunity to accomplish her goals.
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post #60 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 08:03 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by veryfrustratedude View Post
Jld, I didn't tell her that part because I feel like the choice to work out primarily has to come from within, for herself. I do not want her to workout out of fear of loss of our marriage. I only wanted to make her aware of how her weight is affecting my desire for her. In a sense, overall it can't be "about me". In a sense, it's a shot across the bow, that I am not neutral when it comes to fitness, when it comes to weight gain, that desiring her is something I must have. I want her to want to take care of herself, for herself, and sure, I want to benefit from it as well. She can't be thinking "I've got to do this or else", I want her to think "I'm going to take care of myself. I want to do this. I want to eat better, lose weight, and be more attractive to my husband". I cannot get tied up emotionally in all of it. All I can do is hope things change, and give her every encouragement and opportunity to accomplish her goals.
That is up to her, OP. All you can do is be transparent with her, and let her make her own decisions.

And this is indeed "all about you." That is the reason you are considering divorce, correct?

Does she know that, btw?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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