Shouldn't we have it all?? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 08:13 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Not telling her that you expect her to want to lose weight without any motivation from you is a covert contract. You didn't tell her the whole truth but you'll be disappointed later when she fails to meet unstated expectations.
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post #62 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 08:31 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Why did you not tell her the bolded?



You need to tell her everything, OP. That is what transparent means.


No. He did right. Too much at one time is overwhelming. Let her first adjust to what was said. He can add more later.
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post #63 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 08:33 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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No. He did right. Too much at one time is overwhelming. Let her first adjust to what was said. He can add more later.
I don't think so . . .

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #64 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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No. He did right. Too much at one time is overwhelming. Let her first adjust to what was said. He can add more later.
That's the same mentality cheaters use when they trickle truth, isn't it?
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post #65 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 09:56 AM
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Shouldn't we have it all??

Not at all. Trickle truth is to protect the cheater. Trickle goals are to help the spouse.

It is well known that a person undertaking too many significant goals / life habit changes is more likely to fail in all of them then someone with just a few focused goals at a time.

Just focusing on the eating is a great start. Going for walks with her will improve the relationship and will pay dividends.

I would bet my retirement that his actions towards the wife have contributed towards the problem. It was in my case. OP needs to commit to being a better husband, or at least recognize he can assist in a successful outcome with better emotional and mental support on his part.

If he wants this to work he needs to do his part. It is not just about her. I made that mistake and am cautioning him not to do what I did.

Last edited by blueinbr; 12-26-2016 at 11:50 AM.
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post #66 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 11:54 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Lifeistooshort, yes, I think she was receptive. I know those words are difficult to hear. I needed her to know that, from the depth of my being, that it is something that I am struggling with. I do not like the emotions that have been coming to the surface within me over the past many months. They are not conducive to a healthy relationship. Furthermore, if I was unwilling to say anything, then it would only get worse. As a matter of fact, the more in-shape I would become, the more resentment I would have, assuredly, and I greatly enjoy a regular rigorous regimen. I am glad we talked. Now, we'll see if there are any results. I cannot and will not attempt to control what she does or does not do. I am not going to hover over her, gawking at her, shaming her, or make her feel guilty. I can't control that. All I can do myself is take care of myself physically, for myself, and try to do everything in my power to be supportive. Thank you for your responses.
My gf ran a gym for years and she told me that the most important thing about any weight loss program is seeing results fairly quickly.There are some really advanced exercise machines around now and one of the best is a vacumn treadmill,you wear a heavy type of apron that fits tightly around your waist and forms a seal with the treadmill.If your wife is as overweight as you say she could lose three or four pounds after one week and that will provide her with the encouragement to carry on.She would probably need three half hour sessions a week initially but the immediate results can be a great boost.
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post #67 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 11:55 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I don't think so . . .


In my case it would overwhelm my wife and she would do nothing. And be worse off after hearing what was said.

OP's words and actions need to be customized to fit his wife. Only he will know what to do.

FWIW, i am working to improve my relationship with wife one issue at a time. I tried the "everything at once" approach earlier this year with bad results.
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post #68 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 12:07 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Except this isn't improving everything at once. He is addressing one specific topic - her weight gain and it's affect on his physical attraction to her.

And more importantly his level of resentment over the fact she hasn't taken care of the issue herself. Him waiting to say that isn't going to magically clear up the resentment he feels, and expecting someone who resents having to be involved at all to take more of a lead I don't honestly see working.

OP, you wanting her to become a self-motivated gym rat like yourself who wants to work out for the joy of working out, frankly is unlikely to happen. You want her to want to lose weight, and you want to dictate the reason she is doing so. You don't want to get "emotionally tied up in it." You are threatening to divorce over it - you are already emotionally tied up in it.

And I can't speak for the experience between you and your wife, Blue, but I can speak as a woman who has lost a significant amount of weight and then regained some and trying to lose it again. I can speak to the effects a spouses support has on those efforts.
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post #69 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 12:28 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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OP, you wanting her to become a self-motivated gym rat like yourself who wants to work out for the joy of working out, frankly is unlikely to happen. You want her to want to lose weight, and you want to dictate the reason she is doing so. You don't want to get "emotionally tied up in it." You are threatening to divorce over it - you are already emotionally tied up in it.
Totally agree.

Again, does she know you are considering divorce?

Have you said, "I need to feel sexually attracted to you to stay married to you. And in order for me to feel that, you need to weigh 120 lbs. I also need you to do it because you want it, because it matters to me, and I want what matters to me to matter to you. You cannot just lose it out of fear. And I will give you until this date to lose the weight, and will arrange for you to have the time and money needed to accomplish this goal. If you do not succeed, I will file."

That is being clear, spelling things out to her, exactly as you see them.

That is indeed an accurate representation of your position, no?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #70 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 12:48 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Wow, what bummer conversation to have on Christmas day.
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post #71 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 12:49 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Wow, what bummer conversation to have on Christmas day.
A memory maker, for sure.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #72 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 12:56 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

I left my wife after she left herself go. Dropping your kids off at school and seeing what some of those moms look like is an eye opener. Why can't she be like that for me?

There were way bigger issues in our marriage but after she packed on the pounds, I was gone. No coming back. A year after I left, she's still overweight.
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post #73 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I left my wife after she left herself go. Dropping your kids off at school and seeing what some of those moms look like is an eye opener. Why can't she be like that for me?

There were way bigger issues in our marriage but after she packed on the pounds, I was gone. No coming back. A year after I left, she's still overweight.
I can not imagine meeting a man and hearing him tell me that (one of) the reason(s) he divorced his wife was because she had gained weight.
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post #74 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 05:17 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I can not imagine meeting a man and hearing him tell me that (one of) the reason(s) he divorced his wife was because she had gained weight.
It happens, though. Large weight gain can destroy attraction, their sex life, and intimacy. It can therefore destroy a marriage. It really isn't much different than leaving because your spouse refuses to have sex with you. I know a guy who did leave because of his wife's weight gain - but not that solely. She also refused intimacy, preferring food to having a relationship. He soon met someone else, and they have had a wonderful relationship for the past 25 years. I applaud his ability to have standards for himself and his relationship.

Food can be an addiction. You can't fix an addict (at best you can encourage them to get help and make it possible) - they have to choose to fix themselves. Many do not, and it is better to leave them to their self-destruction than be dragged down with them.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #75 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 06:36 PM
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Shouldn't we have it all??

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I can not imagine meeting a man and hearing him tell me that (one of) the reason(s) he divorced his wife was because she had gained weight.


Why not? Certain people here are talking about needs being met, boundaries, total honesty etc. Is not that better than staying in an unhappy marriage?

Normally it us not just the weight gain but a lack of intimacy, motivation, affection that often go with it.
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