Shouldn't we have it all?? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 06:49 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

I think sometimes we read or hear things like this and think that the person is shallow, that it's all about appearance. But, what it would show me if my fiance were to become totally out of shape, overweight, and unhealthy is that he doesn't care about his health or how he looks for me, because he ''has'' me. My fiance and I are very much into fitness, and it's amazing to have that chemistry together. If I were to become overweight or he was, and we just don't care to change it, it would send a message that we're taking each other for granted. A lot of times, I've seen people in long term relationships or marriages, they break up, and then one or the other person hits the gym, and becomes obsessed with looking good. It's like why didn't you do that for your partner? (not that you need to be obsessed, but you know what I mean?)

So, it's more than just a physical appearance thing, IMO. It goes way deeper than that.
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post #77 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 07:38 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I can not imagine meeting a man and hearing him tell me that (one of) the reason(s) he divorced his wife was because she had gained weight.
I can. And it wouldn't automatically be a problem for me unless he specifically said that was the ONLY reason and if he sounded cruel or mean about it. I would try to determine from his words and attitude if he's just a mean person who would toss a loving wife for no other reason, didn't even talk to her about it first, or whatever.

But if it was something that was just part of an overall package of why the marriage went downhill, I hear that a lot, from both men and women.

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post #78 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 09:04 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I can. And it wouldn't automatically be a problem for me unless he specifically said that was the ONLY reason and if he sounded cruel or mean about it. I would try to determine from his words and attitude if he's just a mean person who would toss a loving wife for no other reason, didn't even talk to her about it first, or whatever.

But if it was something that was just part of an overall package of why the marriage went downhill, I hear that a lot, from both men and women.
When I first met my late husband in college, he was 18. He was 5'7" and weighed all of 135 lbs. He started working out and put on some bulk. He loved working out so much that he became an instructor at the local Jack LaLane's.

Several years later, he got into a serious life-threatening car accident. He was in the hospital for several months. His 52" chest sank to a 52" waist. He tried to get back into shape, but he also started travelling for work and simply didn't have much time.

When we finally got together, he was 42. He also weighed 220lbs. I never had a problem with his weight. Never. After we were married, he gained even more weight, eventually tipping the scales at his max weight of 285. Yeah, he broke a few chairs in the house, lol!

Weight doesn't bother me. What bothers me is superficialness, selfishness, arrogance, controlling attitudes, manipulative anger and overall immaturity. Things that no 'diet' can cure.

The OP realizes that some people might see him as being shallow, and frankly, I'm one of those people. If I decide to get back into the dating world, I'm wondering...

...if the OP DID eventually divorce his wife, and met *me* in a few months--knowing that some people might view him as shallow-- would he honestly tell me the REAL reason he left her?
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post #79 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 12:25 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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...if the OP DID eventually divorce his wife, and met *me* in a few months--knowing that some people might view him as shallow-- would he honestly tell me the REAL reason he left her?
I would hope that he would. And I would hope that he would eventually match up with someone who understands his position. I also hope he would learn that not being radically honest can mean an expensive, messy divorce, and maybe next time he would at least try to address such an issue in a more forthright way and/or make it more clear upfront that he has a high need for an attractive spouse.

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post #80 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 12:39 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

How many people are honest about that up front?

My attraction and thus romantic love for you is conditional on you falling within these physical parameters. You need to keep falling within these parameters, and you need to want to or I won't feel attracted to you anymore and we'll need to divorce.

I mean, I wonder how many women who were kind of ambivalent about children would re-think having kids if that was told to them up front?
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post #81 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 06:21 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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How many people are honest about that up front?

My attraction and thus romantic love for you is conditional on you falling within these physical parameters. You need to keep falling within these parameters, and you need to want to or I won't feel attracted to you anymore and we'll need to divorce.
They probably do not know at the beginning all the things that might come up that could cause them to lose attraction.

Losing their fitness, not making much money, becoming boring, not being ambitious, not being able to have children, not being honest, voting Republican () . . . All these and countless others are ways spouses can become less attractive to each other over time.

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I mean, I wonder how many women who were kind of ambivalent about children would re-think having kids if that was told to them up front?
Or they might rethink the choice of husband.

I just do not see how openness and honesty can hurt a couple. I think it is the best way to prevent and solve problems, including the problem of marrying the wrong person.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #82 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 07:57 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I just do not see how openness and honesty can hurt a couple. I think it is the best way to prevent and solve problems, including the problem of marrying the wrong person.
Absolutely! But then again, how many people know themselves well enough to be open and honest with themselves AND, how many of THOSE people are willing to be open and honest about themselves with another person UP FRONT?
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post #83 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 08:07 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Absolutely! But then again, how many people know themselves well enough to be open and honest with themselves AND, how many of THOSE people are willing to be open and honest about themselves with another person UP FRONT?
I was. I did not want to waste either of our time.

If there had been anything he could not accept about me, we could have just stopped things before they got started. No harm, no foul.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #84 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 08:26 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Absolutely! But then again, how many people know themselves well enough to be open and honest with themselves AND, how many of THOSE people are willing to be open and honest about themselves with another person UP FRONT?
I had some idea, but I also used to have the attitude that you married for life no matter what happens.

That meant stuffing my feelings if someone did things that hurt, or that I found unattractive, for the sake of the marriage. Conversely, it also meant I did not have to worry about how my actions impacted attraction. In other words, the work stopped. It wasn't deliberate as much as it was automatic. It was the path of the "nice guy".

I no longer stuff things, nor do I believe marriage is forever through all things.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #85 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 08:30 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
I had some idea, but I also used to have the attitude that you married for life no matter what happens.

That meant stuffing my feelings if someone did things that hurt, or that I found unattractive, for the sake of the marriage. Conversely, it also meant I did not have to worry about how my actions impacted attraction. In other words, the work stopped. It wasn't deliberate as much as it was automatic. It was the path of the "nice guy".

I no longer stuff things, nor do I believe marriage is forever through all things.
I think Dug also believes marriage is for life. But I think to him that *includes* sharing your feelings, not stuffing them.

Far, if you had been honest and open from the get go, how do you think that would have impacted the relationship?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #86 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 09:25 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I think Dug also believes marriage is for life. But I think to him that *includes* sharing your feelings, not stuffing them.

Far, if you had been honest and open from the get go, how do you think that would have impacted the relationship?
My wife and I probably would have divorced somewhere around 2007 or 2008.

That was the point where she was doing the physically harmful things to both her and me.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #87 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 09:46 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Because you have a $10k ring and a certificate from the state doesn't mean you can choose food over me and I won't take action. No different than choosing the bottle or drugs. I'll give you a fair warning and I'll go find someone else if you don't change.

Marriage isn't a prison sentence. I feel sorry for fit husbands who have fat lazy wives. I notice it all the time now that I'm divorced. Mostly because they are miserable with their life/marriage, it's very sad.
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post #88 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 10:02 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I was. I did not want to waste either of our time.

If there had been anything he could not accept about me, we could have just stopped things before they got started. No harm, no foul.

@jld. You and Dug are the 1%.
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post #89 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 10:03 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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I had some idea, but I also used to have the attitude that you married for life no matter what happens.

That meant stuffing my feelings if someone did things that hurt, or that I found unattractive, for the sake of the marriage. Conversely, it also meant I did not have to worry about how my actions impacted attraction. In other words, the work stopped. It wasn't deliberate as much as it was automatic. It was the path of the "nice guy".

I no longer stuff things, nor do I believe marriage is forever through all things.
I also believed that marriage *should be* for life.

But I also believe that people *should be* honest and truthful with each other or that there will be no marriage. Of course, even if they ARE honest and truthful BEFORE marriage, there STILL might not be a marriage.

Unfortunately, too many people are selfish and only think of what THEY want. My late husband "wanted" me. He didn't care that *I* may not have wanted him as he was a lying, cheating, controlling a-hole.

If someone lies to me or hides something from me that would otherwise cause me to *NOT* be with that person, all bets are off.
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post #90 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 10:11 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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When I first met my late husband in college, he was 18. He was 5'7" and weighed all of 135 lbs. He started working out and put on some bulk. He loved working out so much that he became an instructor at the local Jack LaLane's.



Several years later, he got into a serious life-threatening car accident. He was in the hospital for several months. His 52" chest sank to a 52" waist. He tried to get back into shape, but he also started travelling for work and simply didn't have much time.



When we finally got together, he was 42. He also weighed 220lbs. I never had a problem with his weight. Never. After we were married, he gained even more weight, eventually tipping the scales at his max weight of 285. Yeah, he broke a few chairs in the house, lol!



Weight doesn't bother me. What bothers me is superficialness, selfishness, arrogance, controlling attitudes, manipulative anger and overall immaturity. Things that no 'diet' can cure.



The OP realizes that some people might see him as being shallow, and frankly, I'm one of those people. If I decide to get back into the dating world, I'm wondering...



...if the OP DID eventually divorce his wife, and met *me* in a few months--knowing that some people might view him as shallow-- would he honestly tell me the REAL reason he left her?

Would you be willing to share what your late husband died from? That weight is very dangerous.

Mrs Blue was at that weight for a while and had considerable health issues. I partially blame myself for the state of the marriage that contributed to her weight issue.

And I'm still dealing with the aftermath.
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