Shouldn't we have it all?? - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:13 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Re read the details. She is up about 45 lbs from 120 lbs. Nearly a 40 % weight gain of nearly all fat. He said over the last two years. Not since the kids were born.
160-165 (his guess) is 40-45 pounds. And is still not obese for her height according to BMI.

Do we know the age of the kids?

Not that any of this ultimately matters. He is free to divorce for any reason at any time. He has no need to justify it.

I just hope he does not regret it later. Mates who are perfect in every other way may not be easy to come by.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #107 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:22 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Nearly a 40 % weight gain of nearly all fat.
Without going to a doctor or having a resistance test you can't say that it's "nearly all fat" purely because there's been visible weight gain.

It could be water weight, it could be her tissue mass (liver, etc) has also grown (yes it happens.)

So I get we are trying to help, but I'd caution against starting to making absolute statements of medical diagnosis.
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post #108 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:30 AM
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Shouldn't we have it all??

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Without going to a doctor or having a resistance test you can't say that it's "nearly all fat" purely because there's been visible weight gain.



It could be water weight, it could be her tissue mass (liver, etc) has also grown (yes it happens.)



So I get we are trying to help, but I'd caution against starting to making absolute statements of medical diagnosis.


You are right. I should have said "IMO", based on my wife's 100 lb gain.

OP, SSF brings up a very good point. Has W had a full physical exam in the past 12 months? There are many physical/health reasons that cause weight gain, including meds. From thyroid, liver, hormone, etc. If so, that could be very difficult to resolve with just diet.

I speak as a person who has accompanied wife on probably 200 doctor visits the last 4 years.

Start there.
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post #109 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:03 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

I have hypothyroidism and was a former emotional over-eater and I've been to doctors, naturopaths, endocrine specialists, hell even an Ayurveda practitioner or two. I've learned from experience that you might need to change your BC to get effective weight-gain all of the Zumba and Slim Fast in the world was doing zero until I got off my old BC pills.

Maybe I should start a thread somewhere on what did or didn't work for me. Obviously it's all anecdotal but it's something.
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post #110 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 12:08 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Very,
I'd give it a 50-50 whether you respond to this, or to my other post. FWIW - if you elect not to - I will leave you be, and this will be my final post to you.

The mechanics of the situation are fairly clear, your wife V2, is choosing a non active lifestyle and food she likes over passion and sex. That's simply a fact.

So far, your approach seems very 'logic/fairness' driven: I stay in shape for me/us/you, and in the spirit of reciprocity you owe me the same consideration.

First - let's get some basic stuff out of the way. I had the fitness talk with my wife (M2), before we got engaged. It was a fairly blunt exchange. She asked what I would do if she was in a severe car accident - ruined her appearance. I told her that vows are vows and in sickness and in health and in good times and bad - covered all that. And I added that indifference is the opposite of love and indifference to fitness/desirability and sex wouldn't really work for me.

That said - your approach is unlikely to work - as you are laying all this at her door, without asking any hard questions.

And I don't mean hard questions for V2. I mean questions you might have a hard time hearing the answers to.

I have never seen anyone on this site, adopt an 'ego/ self protective' posture and fix a broken sex life. If you are willing to take a hard look at this from her viewpoint, you have a shot at improving things. And if not, well - if not - I expect you are going to soon feel as if you are pushing on a string. Its a bad feeling.

I will leave you with an example of a hard question:

Why is she so unbothered by the apparent death of passion and sex?

















Quote:
Originally Posted by veryfrustratedude View Post
Aine, thanks for your comment. I appreciate it. I get what you're saying. I have been honest, and I do not feel like I am being shallow. I realize that there are many layers here. I truly do want to have passion and desire my wife. I do believe it's possible. I am not going to control what she does or does not do. I didn't tell her that I was going to divorce her, I just told her how I felt. I have to be able to respond to her sexually. All I am saying is, down the road, if she continues to not take care of herself, while I continue to take care of myself, it is not going to "just go away, and everything is hunky dory". Regardless of what other guys may say, trust me, IT IS AN ISSUE to some degree or another. I would never expect my wife to be height/weight proportional and maintain that unless I was willing to do it myself. I am willing to do that. I do that. It is part of my routine. I benefit from that, but so does my wife. I maintain myself, and I am not out there doing things I shouldn't do. I am faithful. I believe I am bringing this out into the open, doing it the right way, and, quite honestly, the responses by most of the females have been "your'e shallow" or "shame on you" or something similar. It's a no-win situation. Women don't want to hear that men actually care about appearance. How ridiculous is that? If I weighed 250 lbs and weighed 160 lbs when we got married, I would hope my wife would say something to me.
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post #111 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 01:07 AM
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You're in a tricky situation. We all get older and such. But here is the thing. Being overweight is bad for your health. And losing sexual desire is going to open your marriage to breaking apart. I go to the gym a few times a week. I see what you see. Women who are trying to get in shape and women who are in shape... Even if they are in thier 60s, they look pretty good. The gym is a hot spot for affairs... You may meet a married woman who is toned and has a very overweight husband and things go south from there.

I am 45 lbs overweight. But I'm a big chested 6 ft guy... But I obviously need to lose it. My wife (technically not as we're back together but as bf/gf) is 5'3" and her avg. Weight is 103lbs. 110 on her frame is noticable (she'll be far more upset than I am). I'm 15 years older than her and I need to get below 190 for my Health and I want to be sexy for her.

It's not fair to her she for me to be this way and again, I want to be a dad to our son for a long time.

I have overweight family and friends. Some has been caused by illness and medication. A friend of mine, she used to be 100lbs at 5-2". In 5 years and before she turned 30 (no kids) balloon up to 200lbs... And nothing much she can do about it. Her husband is 160lbs and 5-10"...

A friend of mine divorced his first wife because of weight and she had no sexual desires afyet having kids. It was a very good divorce, no fighting and very good friends. Both same age when he broke up with her at age 40. He meet a very fit 27 year old. (He is and always was at a healthy weight) and try are still married after 22 years. She gained healthy weight for her age and having kids. Oh, he didn't cheat on his first wife.

So see what's up with your wife. But she may not care about sex that much and it's a way to keep you off. There is a spectrum of reasons. Thing is, if you divorce her etc, she may then hit the gym to pick up guys.

People tend to gain weight when they are in a stable long-term relationship, No matter what the age.

You need to come up with solutions that works for both of you. Since it bothers you, it will get worse. Another option is to see if she'll allow you to see other women... many wives are cool with this. But that'll likely end in divorce sooner or later.
You have 5 major options.

1. she continues gaining weight and you stay & live with it.
2. she continues gaining weight so you divorce her and move on.
3. you cheat on her and deal with that mess which will be very damaging to everyone especially your children.
4. she takes her health seriously and starts going to the gym with you and eating better. (I like my wife going to the gym with me to tone up) which seems to be your preferred choice.
5. you have an open marriage in which you have sex with other women and come home to the mother of your kids.

Last edited by TaDor; 01-02-2017 at 01:47 AM.
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post #112 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 04:36 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

I may have missed this somewhere but has depression been addressed? Sometimes low dopamine can cause a loss of motivation...to lose weight, have sex, exercise etc. You cannot always tell that someone is not their best. She may not realize that she has lost some of her zest for life. She certainly doesnt want to be sexual if she isnt feeling like shes looking sexy. My suggestion- Wellbutrin. If its not for her nothing will change. If it is the issue she will start to feel the change and choose to improve her life. Good Luck.
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post #113 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
160-165 (his guess) is 40-45 pounds. And is still not obese for her height according to BMI.

Do we know the age of the kids?

Not that any of this ultimately matters. He is free to divorce for any reason at any time. He has no need to justify it.

I just hope he does not regret it later. Mates who are perfect in every other way may not be easy to come by.
BMI for individuals is not a good metric. It doesn't take into account things like frame size.

165 lbs gives an acceptable BMI for a 5'9" woman. Not a 5'3" woman. Also going up 40 pounds in 2 years is not healthy. Even if she was too skinny to start with.
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post #114 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 06:58 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Thanks again to everyone for posting, I continue to read them all, and consider each one's perspective.

This is the way I would describe myself, and where I am right now: When someone does CPR on someone, they remember the ABC's..Airway, Breathing, Circulation. Without the first thing, the airway, nothing else matters. The airway as far as my own sexuality is concerned, my own sexual response, my own "template" if you will, is found in the physical realm. It is ground zero, it is 'Point A'. I am speaking from my own perspective here, not comparing myself to anyone else. What's good for me may not be good for many, but I am who I am. When I was back in the dating scene, in college, if I am not physically attracted to someone, INITIALLY, then there is no pursuit, there is no need to go any farther, I am not interested in the least. Physical appearance can be augmented positively or negatively by character traits(integrity, sense of humor, kindness, honesty, compassion, gentleness, friendship, etc, etc) to the point that a "10" in physical beauty can become a "4" without character, and without the perception that we could be best friends. And, an "8" can become a "10" with a measure of beauty and all of those other traits. Indeed, the "whole package" is ideal. So, posters, let me ask you, why, after years of marriage, is ok for my partner to expect that I just have to "get over" my lack of attraction, which is entirely due to weight gain? I in no way expect perfection. I am not perfect, no one is. But I want to look at my wife and think to myself, "she looks hot". What's wrong with that? As a guy, I don't believe I am alone in saying that when I am attracted to my wife, I will do anything and everything for her, and I want to be with her physically. If that is not so, if I do not desire physical union, then I am just not drawn towards her. Every man wants to be enticed.
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post #115 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 10:31 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Thanks again to everyone for posting, I continue to read them all, and consider each one's perspective.



This is the way I would describe myself, and where I am right now: When someone does CPR on someone, they remember the ABC's..Airway, Breathing, Circulation. Without the first thing, the airway, nothing else matters. The airway as far as my own sexuality is concerned, my own sexual response, my own "template" if you will, is found in the physical realm. It is ground zero, it is 'Point A'. I am speaking from my own perspective here, not comparing myself to anyone else. What's good for me may not be good for many, but I am who I am. When I was back in the dating scene, in college, if I am not physically attracted to someone, INITIALLY, then there is no pursuit, there is no need to go any farther, I am not interested in the least. Physical appearance can be augmented positively or negatively by character traits(integrity, sense of humor, kindness, honesty, compassion, gentleness, friendship, etc, etc) to the point that a "10" in physical beauty can become a "4" without character, and without the perception that we could be best friends. And, an "8" can become a "10" with a measure of beauty and all of those other traits. Indeed, the "whole package" is ideal. So, posters, let me ask you, why, after years of marriage, is ok for my partner to expect that I just have to "get over" my lack of attraction, which is entirely due to weight gain? I in no way expect perfection. I am not perfect, no one is. But I want to look at my wife and think to myself, "she looks hot". What's wrong with that? As a guy, I don't believe I am alone in saying that when I am attracted to my wife, I will do anything and everything for her, and I want to be with her physically. If that is not so, if I do not desire physical union, then I am just not drawn towards her. Every man wants to be enticed.


So does every woman...


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post #116 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 08:40 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Hear! Hear!, good point
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post #117 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

How many hours do you spend together without electronics on? You two should be spending 10 to 15 hours a week together, doing 'dating' things, for her to be interested in you and in sex. That's just how it works. Conversations, coffee, walks, playing a sport, hiking, biking, fishing, whatever. To stay in love, you have to put some effort into the marriage and you basically have to keep doing what you were doing when you were dating, which is what got her to choose you in the first place.

As for weight, get the book His Needs Her Needs and ask her to read it with you, a little each night. It will explain to her that her looks are a valid need of yours and she needs to address it; it will give you a segue into discussing her weight honestly.
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post #118 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

No you shouldn't have it all, life doesn't work that way. Appreciate what you have. You can't sit like a bump on a log and think these negative thoughts about your wife expecting her to read your mind and "already know" what she should do.
Marriage takes work. Talk to her. And get rid of these negative thoughts because they will cause you resentment and you will never be happy.
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post #119 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 09:31 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Looking straight at the numbers, just BMI. You are overly sensitive to body weight. I wish I only weighed 45 pounds more than I dd when I met my Spouse.

Never mind As of this morning I weigh exactly 45 pounds more than I did when we met. 31 years ago.
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post #120 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Let's see a pic of perfect shallow you


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