Shouldn't we have it all?? - Talk About Marriage
The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

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post #1 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:27 PM Thread Starter
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Shouldn't we have it all??

Ok, so I have read many posts about sex, sexual attraction, love languages, body weight changes, etc, etc., and I am just going to come right out with it and put it on the table. This is for the guys, and I want honest answers. I'm sure some of the ladies will enter the clubhouse and offer their opinions as well. Here's the deal...I have been married for 15 years, and for the past couple of years, my wife has been steadily gaining weight, to the point that I am no longer sexually attracted to her. When we married, she was about 120 lbs, very height-weight proportional, attractive, awesome. No issues. She's about 5'3 1/2. Now, she's probably at 160-165, and she has lost her shape, and it seems to not bother her. There is no effort to try to do everything to get back into shape. And, as we all know, this is a touchy subject. She's very kind, selfless, thoughtful, patient, all the attributes that any man would die for in a mate. She's a great mother as well to our children. There are no issues of infidelity, porn, or anything of that matter. We have a clean slate as it pertains to that. Many women wear that weight well, or have a few more inches of height to distribute it.

I am a visual creature. I think most guys, if not all, are. A large part of my being able to draw near to her is being able to think about her sexually. To be able to think about her naked, think about looking at her body and saying to myself, "Wow, that's mine..I get to enjoy that". That was once the case, but it no longer is. Listen, I know we all change as we age. But I believe in fighting that tooth and nail. Staying in shape is a definite part of my own routine. I exercise several times a week, I do my part. I don't have a pot belly. I take care of myself. Isn't it ok to expect the same from my bride?? I am not trying to be Shallow Hal, but I am having a serious issue with attraction, and it is entirely connected to my wife's weight. It is difficult to look at an overweight belly and not be turned off by that. I am sorry, I am just being honest here. It's just not part of my makeup. Marriage is a composition of friendship love, commitment, and romantic love. One of the key elements of romantic love is passion and arousal. I love my wife, ok. I truly do, with all of my heart. But I have to be able to desire her as well. I just have to.

I am ready for many women to insult me and say how shallow I am, and how I should "love my wife no matter how much she weighs". I DO love my wife no matter how much she weighs. But I DON'T desire her sexually no matter how much she weighs. The two things are different. And I must have both in order to remain married. That may sound harsh, but what I hear my wife say to me by her not caring about her weight is "I don't care how I look for you". That's what I hear. And if I feel that way, where do we go from there? I believe this is a real issue, and that I am not the only guy that feels this way. Love should be unconditional, I agree. But I'm sorry, desire is not. And desire is crucial. I don't know how to suppress these feelings and overcome them. I do not view my wife as a sexual being anymore.
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post #2 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:30 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

You're not the only guy that feels that way.
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post #3 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:39 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

You're not the only person who feels that way. Have you talked to your wife about it? Have you told her that you love her, but you aren't sexually attracted to her due to the weight gain? She can't fix a problem she doesn't know exists.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #4 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Yes, it has been mentioned, in as gentle a way possible.
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post #5 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 05:00 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

And what was the response?

I think it's reasonable to ask that your spouse make some effort. Where some guys run into trouble is when they base expectations on unreasonable criteria.....ie porn or celebrities.

Those aren't real.

But your wife should make some effort if it bothers you.
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post #6 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 05:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Honestly, I do not think it's my duty to ask her to work out for me anymore, or refine her diet so as to be able to lose the weight. It is so difficult not to be so incredibly frustrated about it. To me, she should want to look her best for me, same as I do for her, that should be a no-brainer. I'm telling you, what I hear every time I look at her is "I really don't care how I look for you". All I can do is continue to exercise myself, eat right, and try to maintain my physique. With her knowledge that it is an issue, and her failure to do anything towards changing that, it's going to be difficult to work around. I WANT TO WANT MY WIFE IN ADDITION TO LOVING EVERYTHING ABOUT HER CHARACTER. For a guy, for me, WANTING her is such an integral part in how we relate to one another. It makes everything come together.
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post #7 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 05:29 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

So your wife should read your mind?

Maybe she doesn't realize how much she's put on, or maybe she's not clear on how much it bothers you.

It's not fair to assume she realizes how much it bothers you.

Let me ask you this: do you want her where she was or do you want reasonable efforts from her?

Have you invited her to the gym with you, or offered to watch the kids while she goes? These are ways to subtlety drop the hint.
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post #8 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 05:32 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Quote:
Originally Posted by veryfrustrateddude View Post
Honestly, I do not think it's my duty to ask her to work out for me anymore, or refine her diet so as to be able to lose the weight. It is so difficult not to be so incredibly frustrated about it. To me, she should want to look her best for me, same as I do for her, that should be a no-brainer. I'm telling you, what I hear every time I look at her is "I really don't care how I look for you". All I can do is continue to exercise myself, eat right, and try to maintain my physique. With her knowledge that it is an issue, and her failure to do anything towards changing that, it's going to be difficult to work around. I WANT TO WANT MY WIFE IN ADDITION TO LOVING EVERYTHING ABOUT HER CHARACTER. For a guy, for me, WANTING her is such an integral part in how we relate to one another. It makes everything come together.
This is as fallible as the female argument " he should want to to do the dishes". Truth is that she doesn't see this as an issue, you do and rightfully so. You just need to be honest here and say that you love her but are losing attraction to her. Yes she will be upset most likely but here is the thing you CAN'T deal with what is not acknowledged.

Now me personally I am never one to drop a problem with no solution. Maybe you could offer to do the cooking of healthier meals or make a workout routine for the both of you since this comes more naturally to you.
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post #9 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 05:33 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

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Originally Posted by veryfrustrateddude View Post
Yes, it has been mentioned, in as gentle a way possible.
Mentioned in what way? Did you hint at it? Or, did you come out say it...Dear _____ I love you very much, but we need to talk. Your weight no longer makes you sexually attracted to you? I would react completely differently to those two things.
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post #10 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 05:40 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

If the situation has become a deal breaker for you, then brutal honesty needs to be used.

There is no other way around it but through it with honest communication.

What would you rather do than the above that will work and you will not lose your marriage?

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #11 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 08:43 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

You really need to tell her how to feel, you are talking about ending a marriage due to weight and that is your prerogative. But if you have not told her how you truly feel, don't you think she has a right to know the real reason you have one foot out the door.

I'm not slamming you at all about wanting to desire your wife, I just think that you need to bring it out in the open with her.



You do matter!
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post #12 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 10:06 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Quote:
Originally Posted by veryfrustrateddude View Post
Honestly, I do not think it's my duty to ask her to work out for me anymore, or refine her diet so as to be able to lose the weight. It is so difficult not to be so incredibly frustrated about it. To me, she should want to look her best for me, same as I do for her, that should be a no-brainer. I'm telling you, what I hear every time I look at her is "I really don't care how I look for you". All I can do is continue to exercise myself, eat right, and try to maintain my physique. With her knowledge that it is an issue, and her failure to do anything towards changing that, it's going to be difficult to work around. I WANT TO WANT MY WIFE IN ADDITION TO LOVING EVERYTHING ABOUT HER CHARACTER. For a guy, for me, WANTING her is such an integral part in how we relate to one another. It makes everything come together.
No, you need to do more. You need to make sure she understands how you truly feel. It doesn't matter if this will hurt her feelings (and it will), but she needs to know that her marriage is in danger. You are vulnerable to an affair because of this issue. Not saying you would have one, but that's just the facts of life. Marriages are always vulnerable to affairs anyway and need steps taken to protect it. Those steps need to be taken by YOU. It is your duty to her to make sure she understands that you have literally lost all sexual attraction to her.

Even though you have "mentioned" it to her, this doesn't mean she understands you have lost all attraction to her that way now. You think it is implied in what you said to her, but it is not. Trust me, she doesn't understand. She will not until you talk more to her about it and be forthright about your true feelings.

You may want to check out Marriage Builders. They use a philosophy which helps couples understand that if we neglect each others basic emotional needs in marriage, then we are always putting our marriage at risk. Slowly over time, we stop being in love with our spouses if they don't meet our emotional needs.

One of the emotional needs that some people have is for an attractive spouse. This is a legitimate need and is not shameful to have (I have a high need for an attractive spouse, too). Through understanding the MB literature and program, you will understand this about yourself better too and then if you can get your wife to understand it, there is hope.

Another useful part of MB is the idea of radical honesty. This is how you would tell your wife the real truth about your lack of sexual attraction for her.

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

Physical Attractiveness

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #13 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 10:18 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Have you thought through divorce? Really sat down and done the math, and are ready to face that reality?

Are you ready for your kids to know why you may be initiating this possible divorce? Or, once your wife hears your concerns, she will?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #14 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 10:59 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

Happy to say this topic has been discussed logically and with compassion and without criticism.........This is a big issue for men......and rightfully for women as well. We all need to be cognizant of our appearance to the best of our ability.
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post #15 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 10:59 PM
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Re: Shouldn't we have it all??

brutal honesty is a good way to start. theres no cushioning the blow really its like coming out of the closet ( no offence ) .. you just have to do it and be supportive. tell her you would like her to lose some weight and make that effort with her. you'll have to play a pivoting role because it really doesnt sound like shes bothered by her weight or her attraction level. so your gonna have to do alot but the best way to go is to sit down and talk to her about it. and you take it from there, tell her you'll start working out together, eat healthier and make it a couples thing. so its up to you to sit down and talk to her and her to make some compromise towards your needs and put in the effort to look better/get in shape.
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