Shouldn't we have it all??
Ok, so I have read many posts about sex, sexual attraction, love languages, body weight changes, etc, etc., and I am just going to come right out with it and put it on the table. This is for the guys, and I want honest answers. I'm sure some of the ladies will enter the clubhouse and offer their opinions as well. Here's the deal...I have been married for 15 years, and for the past couple of years, my wife has been steadily gaining weight, to the point that I am no longer sexually attracted to her. When we married, she was about 120 lbs, very height-weight proportional, attractive, awesome. No issues. She's about 5'3 1/2. Now, she's probably at 160-165, and she has lost her shape, and it seems to not bother her. There is no effort to try to do everything to get back into shape. And, as we all know, this is a touchy subject. She's very kind, selfless, thoughtful, patient, all the attributes that any man would die for in a mate. She's a great mother as well to our children. There are no issues of infidelity, porn, or anything of that matter. We have a clean slate as it pertains to that. Many women wear that weight well, or have a few more inches of height to distribute it.
I am a visual creature. I think most guys, if not all, are. A large part of my being able to draw near to her is being able to think about her sexually. To be able to think about her naked, think about looking at her body and saying to myself, "Wow, that's mine..I get to enjoy that". That was once the case, but it no longer is. Listen, I know we all change as we age. But I believe in fighting that tooth and nail. Staying in shape is a definite part of my own routine. I exercise several times a week, I do my part. I don't have a pot belly. I take care of myself. Isn't it ok to expect the same from my bride?? I am not trying to be Shallow Hal, but I am having a serious issue with attraction, and it is entirely connected to my wife's weight. It is difficult to look at an overweight belly and not be turned off by that. I am sorry, I am just being honest here. It's just not part of my makeup. Marriage is a composition of friendship love, commitment, and romantic love. One of the key elements of romantic love is passion and arousal. I love my wife, ok. I truly do, with all of my heart. But I have to be able to desire her as well. I just have to.
I am ready for many women to insult me and say how shallow I am, and how I should "love my wife no matter how much she weighs". I DO love my wife no matter how much she weighs. But I DON'T desire her sexually no matter how much she weighs. The two things are different. And I must have both in order to remain married. That may sound harsh, but what I hear my wife say to me by her not caring about her weight is "I don't care how I look for you". That's what I hear. And if I feel that way, where do we go from there? I believe this is a real issue, and that I am not the only guy that feels this way. Love should be unconditional, I agree. But I'm sorry, desire is not. And desire is crucial. I don't know how to suppress these feelings and overcome them. I do not view my wife as a sexual being anymore.