What did it mean to you for your wife to take your surname when you married?

tobio · 12-09-2011, 08:57 AM

Hi guys!

We have booked a date for our wedding next year, yay!

Things are going well. I have been thinking about his wish for me to change my name to his when we marry.

I have always been adamant I want to keep my surname, and he is damant he wants me to have his name.

All my kids have two surnames, mine then their dad's. So they all have my surname and our two (youngest kids) obviously have his name too.

He'd like for us to change the youngest two's to just his surname. He feels very strongly and gets really cross that I want to keep my name.

I'm interested in hearing men's own experiences - I'm assuming the vast majority had no issue and their wife changed to your name. Any thoughts if it didn't happen like this or how you would have felt had your wife not wanted to change her name?

Thanks!
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MAEPT10 · 12-09-2011, 09:15 AM

All my kids have two surnames, mine then their dad's. So they all have my surname and our two (youngest kids) obviously have his name too.

I don't understand this. Can you clarify? How many kids do you have? Sounds like two are with your fiance and are their others that have "their dad's" surname?

Sorry if this sounds rude or I am making a mistake, I just want to understand the situation.

YinPrincess · 12-09-2011, 09:19 AM

How old are your children? Changing names (or dropping a name) could be confusing to them...

For me, I was really excited to take my husband's name when we married - it really made me feel unified with him. (And, I really hate my maiden name! LoL!)
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RandomDude · 12-09-2011, 09:20 AM

For me it just means my wife can open up my mails and then play dumb telling me "oops! I thought it was for me!" -.-

Personally I never liked the whole name changing thing, but then again I never liked the whole idea of marriage. But it's not an issue for us, but I understand if it can be for others, especially women. My cousin sisters enforce their surnames too, but they have their own reasons.

SadSamIAm · 12-09-2011, 10:00 AM

It didn't mean anything to me personally that she changed her name to mine.

The only reason is it makes it easier once you are a family. Much easier for everyone when the husband, wife and kids all have the same surname.

I don't see any reason for the wife to keep her surname unless she has an established professional career where it would suffer if she changed her name. Or if his last name was something that is not too flattering, like "Bobbit". Or maybe your name is "Mona Lisa" and when you get married it becomes "Mona Lot".

RandomDude · 12-09-2011, 10:04 AM

Of if your surname is F--kett

SadSamIAm · 12-09-2011, 10:06 AM

Or if your name is Debra May Page and you are marrying Patrick Dye.

tobio · 12-09-2011, 10:47 AM

Right - I have four kids. Older two by my ex so they are (fake names) Alice Jones Smith and Rita Jones Smith. My younger two are (made up names!) Thomas Jones Williams and Peter Jones Williams.

My OH wants me to change my name from Jones to Williams and change the younger two's names from "Jones Willuams" to just Williams.
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SadSamIAm · 12-09-2011, 10:57 AM

How old are the younger ones? This should have been done when they were born, but if they aren't too old (not in school yet), then probably not a big deal.

I don't like the combining of names. If Jones wasn't in any of their names, then it would more clear.

Now that all this is done, not sure if it is worth changing.

FirstYearDown · 12-09-2011, 11:16 AM

My husband loved that I took his name. He said it made him feel that I truly wanted to be a family with him. I should add that my husband never pressured me to take his surname. I saw it as "new name, new life."

His mother, however, was a different story. He comes from one of those old Scottish clans and my mother in law was crushed that her sons did not marry in kilts.

As soon as we were engaged, she went all Bunny Mcdougall on me. "Every wife since the 1800's bears the name. You're not going to keep yours, are you?"

"Bears the name??" Who are they, the British royals??

She Won’t Change Her Last Name « Power to Change
Here is an article that can give an idea of what your husband might be thinking.

tobio · 12-09-2011, 01:48 PM

The younger ones are 2 and 1. I am English and here you can re-register a child's birth with a changed surname if the parents marry after the birth. My OH found this out and would like to do it.

I've always felt pretty strongly that I wanted to keep my own name if I ever married. As I wasn't married when my first were born, I wanted them to have MY surname. I compromised by giving them both names. With the younger two I was insistent I wanted them to have just my surname unless we married and then I'd consider changing their names. He was so upset and angry that at the last minute I compromised and named our first with both our surnames instead of just mine.

I have and am considering the idea out of respect for my OH as he does feel so strongly. I just cannot get on noard with his reasoning. He hasn't said anything that makes me think, wow, that's a fantastic reason to take his name. He talks about us all having the same name but we can all have MY name and have the same name. I hear what he is saying when he explains about passing the man's name down but I feel the same in reverse (without the aspect of tradition of course.) He even said once what was the point of getting married if I won't take his name? Says his mother and auntie think I am being ridiculous yet can't explain why they think that. To md "it's tradition" isn't enough.

So not sure what to do!
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Tall Average Guy · 12-09-2011, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tobio

I've always felt pretty strongly that I wanted to keep my own name if I ever married. As I wasn't married when my first were born, I wanted them to have MY surname. I compromised by giving them both names. With the younger two I was insistent I wanted them to have just my surname unless we married and then I'd consider changing their names. He was so upset and angry that at the last minute I compromised and named our first with both our surnames instead of just mine.

Why did you not want to give his kids a surname that included his name?

Please note that I wrote that intentionally that way. He may be looking at it, and thinking that initially you did not want his kids to have a surname that included him in any way. Why not? Are you not committed to him? Are you expecting that it won't last? Why did you do that for your first two but not want to it for his kids?

I want to be clear that I am not accusing you of anything. I just want you to be aware of some questions that may be running through his head, even if he can't formulate them. Ignore your in-laws and focus on what you and your husband want. Answering these questions, even if not explicitly asked, may help.

SadSamIAm · 12-09-2011, 02:12 PM

I don't think the name is a big deal. I just think it is easier to have just one last name.

An example of it being easier:

We have a couple of kids on our hockey team that have two names. For one of these kids, both names won't fit on the scoresheet or on the back of his jersey, so he had to chose which one to use. The other kid has both names, but it goes pretty much from shoulder to shoulder.

The real confusing thing is that the mom took the name of her second husband, so the poor kid (from her first marriage) has two last names but doesn't even share a name with either of his custodial parents that we see all the time. Hardly ever see his birth father.

ie

Mom - Julie Johnson
Dad - Bill Johnson
Kid - Brent Baily Simpson

It takes a while to figure out what the heck happened. Julie Johnson was Julie Baily. Who married Joe Simpson. Had a kid and named him Brent Baily Simpson. Then she remarried to Bill Johnson and took his name.

Trickster · 12-09-2011, 02:31 PM

My wife still after 11 years married and 18 years together hasn't changed her name... She says that she is just too lazy to change it to mine. To me it's just added proof that she never really loved me. Now it may not matter

tobio · 12-09-2011, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy

Why did you not want to give his kids a surname that included his name?

Please note that I wrote that intentionally that way. He may be looking at it, and thinking that initially you did not want his kids to have a surname that included him in any way. Why not? Are you not committed to him? Are you expecting that it won't last? Why did you do that for your first two but not want to it for his kids?

I want to be clear that I am not accusing you of anything. I just want you to be aware of some questions that may be running through his head, even if he can't formulate them. Ignore your in-laws and focus on what you and your husband want. Answering these questions, even if not explicitly asked, may help.

Right. At the time when our first was born, I wanted to get married. He had expressed a couple of reasons why he didn't want to at that time. He knew I wanted to be married if we had children (baby came a bit ahead of our plans) and I started to think that possibly he didn't want to ever get married which would be a dealbreaker for me. I did not want to end up a single parent, as I did with my first two, with all the responsibility and them having the name of someone who wasn't there.

I explained this and basically he wanted the child to have just his name without the commitment of being married. No way.

He says a lot about it being tradition, the pride, the name being passe down through the generations and being lost if they have my name. I sense a lot of it is male pride, I do not say that in a derogatory sense... Like he feels that if I were proud to be his wife, I would WANT to take his name. That if I don't, it says something to the outside world about him, me and our commitment.