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post #76 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 07:23 PM
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Overheard an awkward conversation

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Originally Posted by Starstarfish View Post
To me, that's kind of drawing an arbitrary line. Either sharing unflattering/intimate things about your spouse to others is something you fundamentally agree with or don't. How well the person in question knows you is starting to get into splitting hairs. Like what degree of familiarity becomes too familiar?
I don't think there is anything arbitrary about that line and there are also no "degrees". The distinction is very clear: if you are writing anonymously about a problem, you cannot hurt or embarrass anybody with it, intentionally or unintentionally.

Provided the motivation is to find solutions to a problem (and not to humiliate and laugh at that person's misfortune), then no, there is no line being crossed in my opinion.

If the purpose is to humiliate someone, then yes, even anonymous posting would be immoral (immoral is perhaps the wrong word. Two-faced, perhaps.)

Would you consider voicing out loud the problem while completely alone in the room immoral too? What about thinking about it?

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post #77 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 07:45 PM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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The distinction is very clear: if you are writing anonymously about a problem, you cannot hurt or embarrass anybody with it, intentionally or unintentionally.
Plenty of people have thought they were anonymously doing so and the person was hurt and embarrassed because anonymous, particularly on the Internet is not a guarantee by any means. So really it's one of those "it's not a crime if I'm not caught" kind of things.

I do find that sort of an interesting stance on things given the fact that when on another thread someone clearly -was actually- embarrassed or hurt by someone's actions you worked hard to defend and understand the perpetrator.

So, we clearly have different opinions on this, and that's cool.

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Would you consider voicing out loud the problem while completely alone in the room immoral too?
Pretty sure God already knows all about it, so me saying it outloud in a room by myself while self-soothing doesn't add or subtract anything to the situation. Well, provided of course I am actually alone and not one of the dozens of people here on TAM who have VARs hidden around. In which case I might indeed unintentionally embarrass someone by saying something when I thought I was being anonymous.

Hmm.
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post #78 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 07:59 PM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
(But seriously, I cannot really see what this could be, from the information provided, apart from getting some sympathy or entertainment value on husband's expense).

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I agree with this 100%. Seems a few are being quite pedantic about this. Odds would be far in favor of a kvetching/ *****ing wife looking for sympathy or a laugh over expecting her friend to be able to help with her hubby's teenie weenie.
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post #79 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 08:05 PM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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Originally Posted by Starstarfish View Post
Plenty of people have thought they were anonymously doing so and the person was hurt and embarrassed because anonymous, particularly on the Internet is not a guarantee by any means. So really it's one of those "it's not a crime if I'm not caught" kind of things.
Moving goal posts around to suit your argument doesn't make it more valid.
The assumption was always that the anonymous concern, actually remains anonymous.


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Originally Posted by Starstarfish View Post
I do find that sort of an interesting stance on things given the fact that when on another thread someone clearly -was actually- embarrassed or hurt by someone's actions you worked hard to defend and understand the perpetrator.

I don't know what you are going on about and how this is relevant?. Are you referring to the hidden camera thread? You did read the thread until the end, where it is clear that the accusations of him actually filming his underaged daughter or anyone else, apart from his wife, are close to zero? (Which is the only thing I was defending, because it was hysterical speculation at that point by the majority).


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Originally Posted by Starstarfish View Post
Pretty sure God already knows all about it, so me saying it outloud in a room by myself while self-soothing doesn't add or subtract anything to the situation. Well, provided of course I am actually alone and not one of the dozens of people here on TAM who have VARs hidden around. In which case I might indeed unintentionally embarrass someone by saying something when I thought I was being anonymous.
You lost me.
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post #80 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 08:35 PM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

At the end of the day, we all have our own boundaries and values and will hold different opinions on the subject.

For the record, I would never discuss intimate marital issues with friends or family (particularly family). I would also think twice about what I post on the internet, because my personal philosophy tends to be:- "Is this something I would be happy for SO to read?"

However, we're all different and to each their own.

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post #81 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 09:05 PM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
"In this situation" = talking privately to her girlfriends.

"Lack of tact" = even though we don't know exactly what was said, what the context was, or what she was trying to convey.


The thing is, with a lot of sex or marriage problems, we simply don't know how to ask someone for advice, help or guidance. So we might just "blurt" the issue out amongst our friends just to see if anyone tosses back anything useful.

What I would imagine was really happening here was a wife who is dissatisfied with her sex life, in her mind it is due to her husband's lacking size (though we don't know exactly what was said or what else may be going on), and in this situation she may have thought her friends would have some suggestions on how to work with it and have good sex anyway. (I have actually seen a few threads by women on various forums in basically that same situation and she was simply asking for ideas or positions that would feel better for her).

OTOH, sure, if she was just being mean and spreading bad info about her husband and simply complaining out of the blue about his small penis, then wow, that is not a very good thing for a wife to do. But we don't know that. I don't see any reason to assume the worst of her though just based on the OP's post. Not enough information.

Look guys, I realize this topic is something you'd rather no woman ever uttered anything about, EVER. But the fact is that yes, sometimes we women do discuss things like how penis shape and size affect our sex lives. And yes, sometimes we will be completely honest even if that wouldn't flatter you. The reason is because we aren't talking to YOU about it, we are talking to our friends about it. Similarly, men don't talk to their wife/girlfriend the same way they talk in lockers rooms when sharing about issues and asking for guidance sometimes. And all you men know it would hurt our feelings if we overheard some of the things you say. But you don't intend for us to hear it, and for that reason, IMO, its really none of our business. Same goes for women in general, and the wife in the OP's post specifically.
I really appreciate your perspective and feminine insight here.

More information is needed. I have a more honest and closer relationship with Mrs. Conan and it is sometimes difficult for me to recognize that others might not be where it took us 25 years and a lot of work to get to.

I had a very male reaction to this post and appreciate your feminine insight.
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post #82 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 09:13 PM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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Originally Posted by Starstarfish View Post
Arguably though how is complaining to your friends fundamentally different than the people who come to TAM to rant. Are some of the complaints here, complete with like ... rife levels of personal detail really that much more "tactful?" Just because they aren't vocalized outloud?

I mean, reading TAM I know some pretty heavy stuff about other people (and in turn people know some about me.)
There is only one couple that knows as much information as I have given on TAM and my wife.

Anonymous posts can be very helpful without embarrassing anyone I know personally.
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post #83 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 11:38 PM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

There is a very big difference between complaining to internet strangers and telling a friend your husband has a tiny penis. Sorry, but I have to call BS on placing those in the same category.

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post #84 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 07:05 AM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Similarly, men don't talk to their wife/girlfriend the same way they talk in lockers rooms when sharing about issues and asking for guidance sometimes. And all you men know it would hurt our feelings if we overheard some of the things you say. But you don't intend for us to hear it, and for that reason, IMO, its really none of our business. Same goes for women in general, and the wife in the OP's post specifically.
Love this post!

I want to mention, however, that in my 40+ years, I've spent 35 of them in locker rooms. At least twice a week, year round (yeah, I play a lot of sports).

Not once can I recall anybody ever talking about their wife (or when younger, their girlfriends) in a negative way, or really in any way that would share any kind of super personal information.

I realize that you don't necessarily mean a literal locker room, but I also can't recall ever hearing anything, ever, about anyone's wife or girlfriend that would constitute negativity towards them or their respective body parts. Believe it or not, that goes for ex wives, as well. The 'worst' I've ever heard is along the lines of 'this girl I used to date had huge t**s' and that sort of thing. But I genuinely can't recall any negative or ultra-personal comments made about anybody's current or past wife or girlfriend.

I don't know, but I'm kind of under the impression that (some) women certainly will discuss their husband/boyfriend's penis size with their best friend, or their sister or something, particularly if it's worthy of discussing (too small, or too big, for example). I've seen/heard it first-hand myself, on several occasions. Funny enough, it's usually done with hand gestures, but I digress...

I am sure there are men out there who have no tact in this area, but I have genuinely yet to come across one, and I'm in the prime areas in which these men supposedly talk about this sort of thing on a very regular basis.

I can take a guess as to why, as well. Here's how men think (particularly when we're in groups, like a team) - if Tom tells the guys that his ex gf had a cavernous vagina, 10 other guys will reply in unison "sure Tom, you just have a tiny penis!" and Tom won't hear the end of it for a while. Dudes rib each other over pretty much anything. So Tom will be reluctant to say something like that, as he knows full well what's coming next.

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post #85 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 07:32 AM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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Originally Posted by TX-SC View Post
There is a very big difference between complaining to internet strangers and telling a friend your husband has a tiny penis. Sorry, but I have to call BS on placing those in the same category.
I tend to agree with this. I've mentioned my wife's... size.. here before, when it's been relevant, and also not in a disparaging way. But this place is (more or less) anonymous. I suppose if somebody really wanted to Sherlock me, they could, but meh. The only identifiable information I've put out here is that my name's Mike and I'm Canadian. I trust that nobody cares enough to attempt to ID me IRL (but you never know, I guess, there are some weird folks out there...)

But I've never discussed my wife (or ex wife, or ex gf's) body parts, or shortcomings, or the like, in real life with anybody. That's off limits - for me. I genuinely think women are a little different, however, despite some women assuming that men talk about these things just as much, if not more, than they do. As I said in my post above, that's not my experience.

There's something about penis size that (some) women simply don't find off limits to discuss, casually mention, make hand gestures about, or the like. Certainly not all, or even most, women. In fact, probably a fairly small minority. But all the same, it DOES happen, and I've seen/heard it numerous times. FWIW, it seems to be mainly about larger sizes, as opposed to smaller ones, but I've seen both.

In fact, I'll bet that the majority of women who've come across a monster penis in their life have told somebody about it. And conversely, a noticeably small penis, as well. But it seems that it's the monsters that women have no problem mentioning to their best friend(s) or the like. Generally, it seems to be with exes, more than current BF's or husbands, but all the same.

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post #86 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 07:41 AM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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Yeah ... you can believe weight gain or loss doesn't affect anything, but at one period of time I've got from 235 to 139 lbs. Please, please trust me to the degree I can again say this without getting really graphic, it changes things man, it changes things. And frankly, that was one of the reasons it was hard for me to maintain the motivation to stay at that lower range, frankly after being a "big chick" most of my life ... skinny me sex was terrible.
I'd love for you to elaborate a bit, if you can. If you don't want to, that's okay. You can PM me if you'd prefer.

My wife also has lost a similar amount of weight (actually almost the exact same amounts, believe it or not). I can honestly say *I* didn't notice a difference in that regard, and I haven't got the impression she has, either.

Now, I think I may know what you're talking about, but I won't say it here in case you don't want to elaborate in 'public'. If it's what I think it is, then I probably know why it didn't make a difference to my wife, but could certainly have to you or other women who have lost that kind of weight. Of course I could be very wrong, and it has affected my wife, but she's just not ever said anything (or doesn't care enough about sex - a likely possibility, lol). Like I said, PM me if you'd like, I'm interested to hear your experience as it mirrors my wife's to a T, re: weight loss. If you don't want to elaborate at all, that's okay.

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post #87 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 08:13 AM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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I tend to agree with this. I've mentioned my wife's... size.. here before, when it's been relevant, and also not in a disparaging way. But this place is (more or less) anonymous. I suppose if somebody really wanted to Sherlock me, they could, but meh. The only identifiable information I've put out here is that my name's Mike and I'm Canadian. I trust that nobody cares enough to attempt to ID me IRL (but you never know, I guess, there are some weird folks out there...)

But I've never discussed my wife (or ex wife, or ex gf's) body parts, or shortcomings, or the like, in real life with anybody. That's off limits - for me. I genuinely think women are a little different, however, despite some women assuming that men talk about these things just as much, if not more, than they do. As I said in my post above, that's not my experience.

There's something about penis size that (some) women simply don't find off limits to discuss, casually mention, make hand gestures about, or the like. Certainly not all, or even most, women. In fact, probably a fairly small minority. But all the same, it DOES happen, and I've seen/heard it numerous times. FWIW, it seems to be mainly about larger sizes, as opposed to smaller ones, but I've seen both.

In fact, I'll bet that the majority of women who've come across a monster penis in their life have told somebody about it. And conversely, a noticeably small penis, as well. But it seems that it's the monsters that women have no problem mentioning to their best friend(s) or the like. Generally, it seems to be with exes, more than current BF's or husbands, but all the same.
Just as you've overheard conversations between women on penis size, I've overheard conversations between men (lots and lots of them) on women's weight and/or body shape. I obviously can't know how it feels to have penis size criticized but I imagine it is as hurtful as having a spouse openly criticizing his wife's weight or body shape/stretch marks/mommy apron/etc , especially if it's in reference to sex and sexual desire.

I'm a supremely private individual and would never in a million years discuss my husband's penis size or our sex life to friends or family. But there are people, men and women, who need that outlet. I don't think it's inappropriate per se, just not something I would do myself.

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post #88 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 09:11 AM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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Just as you've overheard conversations between women on penis size, I've overheard conversations between men (lots and lots of them) on women's weight and/or body shape. I obviously can't know how it feels to have penis size criticized but I imagine it is as hurtful as having a spouse openly criticizing his wife's weight or body shape/stretch marks/mommy apron/etc , especially if it's in reference to sex and sexual desire.

I'm a supremely private individual and would never in a million years discuss my husband's penis size or our sex life to friends or family. But there are people, men and women, who need that outlet. I don't think it's inappropriate per se, just not something I would do myself.


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I agree with you, Lila.

The trouble is, penis size is such a sensitive and difficult topic perhaps the woman felt safer discussing it with a few trusted friends rather than risk being attacked on an internet forum... I think we've all seen how some of the penis threads have devolved on TAM...

Incidently, I didn't gain the impression from the OP that the woman had been making fun of her H's penis, but rather seeking advice.

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post #89 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 10:37 AM
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Overheard an awkward conversation

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I agree with you, Lila.

The trouble is, penis size is such a sensitive and difficult topic perhaps the woman felt safer discussing it with a few trusted friends rather than risk being attacked on an internet forum... I think we've all seen how some of the penis threads have devolved on TAM...

Incidently, I didn't gain the impression from the OP that the woman had been making fun of her H's penis, but rather seeking advice.


It's not about the woman. It's about the husband (and his penis).

Who has been attacked on the forum for having a small penis?

I agree in spirit, and acknowledge that women need their privacy to discuss things or share things with each other that they wouldn't necessarily want to or feel uncomfortable sharing with their husbands. That's healthy and perfectly normal. (Although many husbands feel that even this goes too far). I just feel in this particular case, the line has been crossed that's all because for me, this would be much too private and I don't really see what exactly can be gained from this conversation? How can her friend help her exactly?
For me as an outside observer, the benefit of venting does not outweigh the embarrassment or hurt she might unknowingly or knowingly be causing to her husband.


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post #90 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 10:46 AM
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Re: Overheard an awkward conversation

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It's not about the woman. It's about the husband (and his penis).

Who has been attacked on the forum for having a small penis?

I agree in spirit, and acknowledge that women need their privacy to discuss things or share things with each other that they wouldn't necessarily want to or feel uncomfortable sharing with their husbands. That's healthy and perfectly normal. (Although many husbands feel that even this goes too far). I just feel in this particular case, the line has been crossed that's all because for me, this would be much too private and I don't really see what exactly can be gained from this conversation? How can her friend help her exactly?
For me as an outside observer, the benefit of venting does not outweigh the embarrassment or hurt she might unknowingly or knowingly be causing to her husband.


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No one that I know of. I didn't say that they had.

I also didn't say that it was OK for her to talk about her H's penis to her friends, for pity's sake. I just commented on why she might have. I might be right. I might be wrong. I really don't know!!

Seriously, folks - I'm out of here. This whole thread is becoming ridiculous.

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