Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

My first love came in my 20s. She wasn't much to look at but I had a very strong physical attraction to her that I remember feeling the first time I was in a room with her before I even knew her name.

She adored me. She was younger and like a golden retriever at my feet. I sailed to the clouds on boyish feelings of love and then to the moon on hormonal afterburners.

Long story short, I got bored with her and dumped her the moment I met a more mature, more interesting woman. Her parents did not like me and I wanted to preserve her honor and avoid being shot by her father, so that made it easier to let go.

Now 15 years into a toxic, loveless marriage, I wonder if she wasn't the one I should have married.

Did any of you marry "that" girl? How did it work out?

I am a realist now. I know my being bored with her intellectually would have become more of a problem, and my relational inexperience would have meant being married to her when I met more interesting and mature (and tempting) women for the first time.

But still, in 15 years of marriage I cannot recall a feeling as sweet as me touching her face and having her put her head on my shoulder and just feeling love with no barrier or hang-ups. Would that have lasted? I'll never know.
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post #2 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 01:48 PM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

This is a woulda shoulda coulda moment, we all have them. Memories of our past is good, but to dwell on them and wonder "what if" can drive you crazy.

Have fond memories of her, but concentrate on the present.
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post #3 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 02:05 PM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

Although not boring per se, I did marry a rather sedate woman when compared to others I dated. Her idea of excitement is a walk in the park, where I enjoy mountain biking and the such. I'm not overly wild either, but definitely more than she is. Can I say she is a better wife than someone more wild? Probably not. I think every person should be taken on their own merits, not based on how boring they may seem to be.

It is common to fantasize about what could have been, especially after having a bad marriage, but just realize that every relationship has hurtles and hardships. There's no guarantee that this other woman would have been a perfect spouse.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #4 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 02:09 PM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

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Originally Posted by reboot View Post
My first love came in my 20s. She wasn't much to look at but I had a very strong physical attraction to her that I remember feeling the first time I was in a room with her before I even knew her name.

She adored me. She was younger and like a golden retriever at my feet. I sailed to the clouds on boyish feelings of love and then to the moon on hormonal afterburners.

Long story short, I got bored with her and dumped her the moment I met a more mature, more interesting woman. Her parents did not like me and I wanted to preserve her honor and avoid being shot by her father, so that made it easier to let go.

Now 15 years into a toxic, loveless marriage, I wonder if she wasn't the one I should have married.

Did any of you marry "that" girl? How did it work out?

I am a realist now. I know my being bored with her intellectually would have become more of a problem, and my relational inexperience would have meant being married to her when I met more interesting and mature (and tempting) women for the first time.

But still, in 15 years of marriage I cannot recall a feeling as sweet as me touching her face and having her put her head on my shoulder and just feeling love with no barrier or hang-ups. Would that have lasted? I'll never know.
Which one is your wife?
The one that you compared with a dog or the one that is more interesting but cold?



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post #5 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 02:21 PM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

The toxic loveless marriage and the girl you were with in your 20's are unrelated and you need to keep them so you could have been equally miserable married to her if things didn't work out and there was a reason you moved on.

If you are in a toxic loveless marriage then any other happy relationship would seem preferable. I remember many nights lying on the opposite side of the bed from my XW, who didn't like to be touched when she was in bed or asleep, thinking back through previous relationships and how good they were and wondering why the he11 I finished them.

You need to address the toxic loveless marriage first. Find out why and either sort it out or move on. If it's toxic and loveless for you then it probably is for her as well. If you have kids then you are setting them a dreadful example for their future relationships by staying together and miserable.
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post #6 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 02:23 PM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

WonkyNinja is spot on. I used to think about all of past relationships when I was married. My marriage was loveless, sexless, etc for most of the 8 years. When I finally got the balls to divorce her and start my life over, I've never been so happy. Found a girl I'm much more compatible with and have amazing sex 5x+ a week.
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post #7 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

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WonkyNinja is spot on. I used to think about all of past relationships when I was married. My marriage was loveless, sexless, etc for most of the 8 years. When I finally got the balls to divorce her and start my life over, I've never been so happy. Found a girl I'm much more compatible with and have amazing sex 5x+ a week.
So, when are you getting married?

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #8 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 03:48 PM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

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I got bored with her and dumped her the moment I met a more mature, more interesting woman.

I am a realist now. I know my being bored with her intellectually would have become more of a problem, and my relational inexperience would have meant being married to her when I met more interesting and mature (and tempting) women for the first time.
Nah you dumped her because you thought the grass was greener. Probably took for granted that a girl could be into you so completely so when a challenge arose, you being put on that pedestal by her, your ego thought why not?

Interesting you're looking back at her, and not the others you've dated. And why would she be boring now? No room for personal growth, all these years you don't think she's changed?

It's interesting because even now you're sort of looking down at her and have her pigeon holed as sweet but boring.
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post #9 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

I needed more relationships prior to getting married. I was emotionally immature and delayed in relationships, and had little self-respect. I am also a rescuer/fixer type who once sincerely believed that love conquers all.

One insight I have gained is that I am attracted to "interesting" women who clearly have a dark and stormy emotional side, traumatic past, etc. I think it's some unconscious impulse to want to fix them based on being forced into the role of emotional surrogate husband to my mother who was abandoned by my father.

In any case, I still almost cry at this video
around the 3:50 mark.
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post #10 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 07:41 AM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

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One insight I have gained is that I am attracted to "interesting" women who clearly have a dark and stormy emotional side, traumatic past, etc. I think it's some unconscious impulse to want to fix them based on being forced into the role of emotional surrogate husband to my mother who was abandoned by my father.
So, what you're basically saying is that you find emotionally healthy women "boring" because they lack the level of crazy you're attracted to. But I'd imagine you also find yourself repelled by that same level of crazy on down the line, when it becomes clear that the awesome power of your amazing love isn't quite enough to heal the damage you were once so attracted to. As it turns out, living with the reality of hot and crazy isn't quite as much fun as imagining magically healing the crazy - while imagining also keeping the hot - was.

The "boring" girl might just have been too emotionally healthy for your tastes. Interesting, though, that you seem to feel superior to her, describing her as dog-like and dull in a manner that conveys contempt for her, while it's clear you've got some pretty impressive baggage of your own. Perhaps some time with an excellent therapist might help you figure out how to overcome what seems a raging case of KISA combined with a high need for drama.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi

Last edited by Rowan; 12-29-2016 at 08:13 AM.
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post #11 of 44 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 08:12 AM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

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So, when are you getting married?
Why do you want him to ruin his great relationship?

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #12 of 44 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 10:23 PM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

I married "safe". I know my wife will never leave me or cheat on me. She will always have a reasonably tasty meal waiting for me. She will be a good mother. But there is nothing remotely interesting about her and every conversation is a giant chore.
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post #13 of 44 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 11:58 PM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

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Originally Posted by reboot View Post
I needed more relationships prior to getting married. I was emotionally immature and delayed in relationships, and had little self-respect. I am also a rescuer/fixer type who once sincerely believed that love conquers all.

One insight I have gained is that I am attracted to "interesting" women who clearly have a dark and stormy emotional side, traumatic past, etc. I think it's some unconscious impulse to want to fix them based on being forced into the role of emotional surrogate husband to my mother who was abandoned by my father.

In any case, I still almost cry at this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zo_nrcKUffw around the 3:50 mark.
No wonder your depressed watching that over and over.
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post #14 of 44 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 12:01 AM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

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So, what you're basically saying is that you find emotionally healthy women "boring" because they lack the level of crazy you're attracted to. But I'd imagine you also find yourself repelled by that same level of crazy on down the line, when it becomes clear that the awesome power of your amazing love isn't quite enough to heal the damage you were once so attracted to. As it turns out, living with the reality of hot and crazy isn't quite as much fun as imagining magically healing the crazy - while imagining also keeping the hot - was.

The "boring" girl might just have been too emotionally healthy for your tastes. Interesting, though, that you seem to feel superior to her, describing her as dog-like and dull in a manner that conveys contempt for her, while it's clear you've got some pretty impressive baggage of your own. Perhaps some time with an excellent therapist might help you figure out how to overcome what seems a raging case of KISA combined with a high need for drama.
Yep guys version of the girl who likes the bad boy. KISA, codependency is strong in these posts.

Also in my mind very few women are boring, if she is she is just not with the right man.
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post #15 of 44 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 01:20 AM
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Re: Did any of you marry the sweet "boring" girl?

I married a 20 year old virgin who never even had a steady boyfriend or tried oral sex before. She has a good heart and believed in the old fashion role of a wife. She did not do much due to her alcoholic and strict father. She was the sweetest girl I even dated and so unlike the girls I had dated and got engaged to. I went for sexually experienced and kinky girls who were cheerleaders or ex cheerleaders. The girl I lived with for the year before I met my wife was an ex cheerleader and sex addict. She was kinky as heck.

To go from a sex machine to a very petite virgin was a complete break in who I normally dated. I just fell in love with her the first time I saw her on a train. 3 weeks later we were engaged and married 8 months after that. She came from an abusive unemployed father and house in disrepair. She was so grateful for me marrying her and I wanted to show her that the rest of her life will not be lousy as it had been living with violent alcoholic parents.

She was sweet and unsullied when I met her. Within a month after meeting me, we were engaged and she was no longer a virgin. She was smoking weed daily with me and our friends. I taught her all about sex and she was an eager and good learner. Seven years after we married she was wife swapping, foursomes, threesomes and more with me after realizing that girls were attracted to me and seducing me until I gave in. Now I had money and success as well as good looks and many women are attracted to at least one of those things. Rather than leave me, knowing I was poly before we married, she decided to join me. We dabbled in various forms of group sex together, but ultimately did not like having sex with others. What we liked was the sex my wife and I had when we got home. That was the time that my wife was struggling with her sexuality and started to invite girls over for a threesome using me as bait.

Long story short, we ended up moving in my wife's best friend since childhood. She became our lover for most of our 44 year of marriage. They girls were both sweet but sexually adventurous, saying yes to anything I asked them to do sexually. I can watch a porn movie and say, been there and done that but with two girls not one. My wife is still sweet and everyone likes her, even babies and animals. She will do anything for a friend. For the last 7 years we have been monogamous since moving away from our girlfriend. At our age monogamy fits our age and medical condition, so after a few years of adjusting to just two in bed, we have made it work using a new fetish that fits our current circumstance. We never were into vanilla sex, never. So I married a sweet girl who did nothing. Had no boyfriends and had to go straight home after school due to her abusive father who beat her for anything she did that displeased him. To her friends she was boring. To me she was boring since I always was with hot and very sexually active girls. In a few years I took her to the dark side. She is no longer boring but still sweet as the day I met her 45 years ago. I gave her the lifestyle she never dreamed she would have and she gave me the sex life that many men would kill for. Sweet and kinky, not boring anymore.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.

Last edited by Vinnydee; Today at 09:55 AM.
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