Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!
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Old 12-14-2011, 01:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

Married 12 years, Pappa of 3. Love wifey, treat her better than she's ever been treated in her life. She's an excellent mother, wonderful wife... personality = 10. Only problem, her Libido is like a 3. Mine is like a 9. If you asked me i would say sex every other day would be awesome, but i'd happily settle for only 2-3 times a week.If i leave it up to her, which i pretty much do now, since i stopped initiating months ago, we go about once every 2 weeks. I am not happy, rather resentful, but there's not much i can do about it.

We've talked about it to i'm red in the face, she understands our differences, but just acknowledges she is fine to go weeks without it. Sure if i really pushed the issue i can get more, and i have in the past, but its not the sex i like. Unemotionally, drone sex from her that feels like a chore. So that's where i am at right now... just waiting for her, and hoping that one day she'll hit her peek. In the meantime, i get to listen to single guys who score all the time, while i suffer even though sex is sharing my bed with me.

Anyone else in this scenario?
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Old 12-14-2011, 01:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

i know what its like. Talking wont help. How do you stop it feeling like a chore for her. Maybe youre just too good to her. It may sound crazy, but women have needs. If they feel they dont, like with you because youre so good to her they also dont have sexual needs.
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Old 12-14-2011, 01:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

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Anyone else in this scenario?
Nope, nor will I be.

Married Man Sex Life
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Old 12-14-2011, 02:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

right there with ya man. best come to grips with it, aint likely to change
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Old 12-14-2011, 02:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

Hope you don't mind posting from the female side.

H and I have been married 7.5 years. Together 12. I admit it-when we were in our early 20s-my drive wasn't as high as my h's but I NEVER ever rejected him-even if it was 3am and I had to be at work in a few hours. I never wanted him to feel bad or hurt.

Now, we're in our early 30's and the tables have turned. I want it at least 3 times at week and maybe get it once a week. It's not even the quantity-it's the quality. I ALWAYs initiate now, it's a chore to get him to be satisfied (sometimes hours)-I get rejected for any and every reason. We don't have kids.

I'm done. I'm sorry that porn is more important to him than me. I am at the point where I don't rebuff men in my life anymore.Before, I would be angry that a man would hit on me seeing my ring, but now I love it. I am not, have not and never will cheat but eventually the feeling of being wanted will take over and I will have to decide on a divorce. I do know there are men out there that would kill to have someone at home like me as opposed to porn.

I deserve better. Do you think you deserve better? At least in my situation-realizing that I deserve to feel loved and wanted helped my self esteem (which has been decimated by this at one point).
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Old 12-14-2011, 02:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

You ought to make a separate post. You at least know the reason. He has an alternative. Is there any reason you dont have kids. It is harder for a man to 'force' himself. You shouldnt give up though.
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Old 12-14-2011, 03:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

I'm in a similar situation. If I keep initiating she has gotten better and seems into it, but I have to do ALL the heavy lifting. If we have an argument it has to be me that starts being physical again. Right now we have had a couple of huge fights recently. So this time I have done nothing physical and was waiting to see if it hit her radar...

It has been a couple of weeks and she has tried nothing. In fact, I see one of her toys has moved so I guess she took care of her itch herself. I know I could tray tonight and most likey succeed, but for some reason she won't make the effort.

I don't get it. If you guys find an answer - do share. The only saving grave is now that I am 40, I can wait a little longer before I start climbing walls.
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Old 12-14-2011, 04:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

Mrs.1980,

Before you go to those extremes, do yourself a favor and get him to a physician.

He sounds like he may have ED or low testosterone - or a combination of the two.

Guys tend to freak out when the gun won't go off.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs1980 View Post
Hope you don't mind posting from the female side.

H and I have been married 7.5 years. Together 12. I admit it-when we were in our early 20s-my drive wasn't as high as my h's but I NEVER ever rejected him-even if it was 3am and I had to be at work in a few hours. I never wanted him to feel bad or hurt.

Now, we're in our early 30's and the tables have turned. I want it at least 3 times at week and maybe get it once a week. It's not even the quantity-it's the quality. I ALWAYs initiate now, it's a chore to get him to be satisfied (sometimes hours)-I get rejected for any and every reason. We don't have kids.

I'm done. I'm sorry that porn is more important to him than me. I am at the point where I don't rebuff men in my life anymore.Before, I would be angry that a man would hit on me seeing my ring, but now I love it. I am not, have not and never will cheat but eventually the feeling of being wanted will take over and I will have to decide on a divorce. I do know there are men out there that would kill to have someone at home like me as opposed to porn.

I deserve better. Do you think you deserve better? At least in my situation-realizing that I deserve to feel loved and wanted helped my self esteem (which has been decimated by this at one point).
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Old 12-14-2011, 04:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

I'm hoping it gets better for you. My drive kicked in overdrive at 37. Later then most women, but I have severe pain I live with day after day 24/7 for the last 4 years. My drive is a 100 and and his is a 9.

Maybe your wife's drive has not kicked in yet???

My husband has always put my needs before his, maybe that has something to do with me wanting to please him all the time.
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Old 12-14-2011, 09:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

Rob - I have 2 questions. Has she ever had a high(er) sex drive and how old are your children?
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Old 12-15-2011, 06:25 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

its a shame that some women can't see the forest through the trees on this issue.

and some men aparently!

I think for some women its the gatekeeper mentality. its excites them like foreplay when their man is always trying and they can reject them without any consenquce. a power trip. if you will.

they might not even realise they are doing it .

I just got fed up and stopped putting up with it. then one day she asked why I don't want to make love any more and I answered because your selfish about it. I told her I'd rather think about the hot red head at work than make love to someone who dosn't have the capability to show her husband desire. I told her sex in marriage should be fun and exciting not stressfull and selfish and that mybe our relationship has run its course and we should think about seperating.

since our matter of fact talk she has been trying harder but I'm on the fence. years of this BS has jaded me.

so my advice is to just not put up with it tell her now this is not working and is a deal breaker. but the key is. if you don't really mean it it won't work. if you let it slide to long the resentment will make it difficult to overcome.
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Old 12-15-2011, 08:08 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad View Post
Mrs.1980,

Before you go to those extremes, do yourself a favor and get him to a physician.

He sounds like he may have ED or low testosterone - or a combination of the two.

Guys tend to freak out when the gun won't go off.
Thanks Conrad. I've been trying. He's too embarrassed to see a doctor. I've been begging him to go. I don't really think that's the issue b/c he has had some kidney issues and gone through some other pretty painful/embarrassing procedures. At first he was adamant that he wasn't going to go-now he "will make an appt in October, then November-Now I'm at January. He's only 32. So I years of this ahead of me if something doesn't change.
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Old 12-15-2011, 05:44 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by I'mInLoveWithMyHubby View Post
Maybe your wife's drive has not kicked in yet???
My husband has always put my needs before his, maybe that has something to do with me wanting to please him all the time.
Posted via Mobile Device
I'm hoping it does, she's 35, it would be awesome if the light turns on before 40 and she starts jumping me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiwera View Post
Rob - I have 2 questions. Has she ever had a high(er) sex drive and how old are your children?
Yes, earlier in the marriage, prior to kids, she actually initiated back then. Probaby 50/50. It was awesome, but just prior to our first... things started to eb. 10, 5, and a 1 year old.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eagleclaw View Post
I'm in a similar situation. If I keep initiating she has gotten better and seems into it, but I have to do ALL the heavy lifting. If we have an argument it has to be me that starts being physical again. Right now we have had a couple of huge fights recently. So this time I have done nothing physical and was waiting to see if it hit her radar...

It has been a couple of weeks and she has tried nothing. In fact, I see one of her toys has moved so I guess she took care of her itch herself. I know I could tray tonight and most likey succeed, but for some reason she won't make the effort.

I don't get it. If you guys find an answer - do share. The only saving grave is now that I am 40, I can wait a little longer before I start climbing walls.
I'm climbing walls already... i just don't ask for sex anymore... but i'm extremely bitter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs1980 View Post
Hope you don't mind posting from the female side.


I deserve better. Do you think you deserve better? At least in my situation-realizing that I deserve to feel loved and wanted helped my self esteem (which has been decimated by this at one point).
I don't think i deserve a better wife, because she treats me like a king. I think i deserve a better experience. As spiritual as i am, i am pretty sure we only live once. I vowed to spend my life with this woman, and it kills me that i can't make love to her as often as i like. She has a great body, thick like i like it, and like i mentioned before, i suffer when hearing the storiese of single friends/relatives on their sexual exploits. Its just not right for a person who doesn't share a bed with a woman, having more sex than a guy who does.

Unfortunately, i think alot of guys are duped, duped by women who don't hate sex, but it isn't their cup of tea. They know this very early on, from the start of their sexual experiences, but they know in order to keep a man... they better break a man off in regards to early boyfriends. NOw... when its time for marriage, they know they gotta break you off just long enough... that it makes it harder for you to role out, especially once kids are involved. Put it like this... how many "non-married" relationships do you here this problem from. You don't. Do you know why? Because the guy... or girl if it applied... would be OUT!!! I could be wrong, but i sware that this applies to some people. Sorry for coming off so bitter, but its either me being very angry, or very sad...

Last edited by Rob774; 12-15-2011 at 05:48 PM.
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Old 12-15-2011, 06:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

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Thanks Conrad. I've been trying. He's too embarrassed to see a doctor. I've been begging him to go. I don't really think that's the issue b/c he has had some kidney issues and gone through some other pretty painful/embarrassing procedures. At first he was adamant that he wasn't going to go-now he "will make an appt in October, then November-Now I'm at January. He's only 32. So I years of this ahead of me if something doesn't change.
The fact that he "doesn't" wish to go makes me ever more certain that you'll find part of your solution there.

Don't give up on it. Gentle - but firm. No anger.
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Old 12-15-2011, 07:20 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!

Rob I reckon there's hope here... she was once a keen participater and you say she treats you like a king. She wouldn't do that unless she loved and respected you (even if she's not always showing it in the way you would like.

I have a high drive but it hasn't always been that way.

When we first got together we were 'doin the wild thing' at any opportunity...it was FAB. Then the babies came!
We have 3 boys who are now teens and older. When they were babies, at that climbing all over me all day stage I used to dread having my spunky, loving, kind (you get the idea) H wanting to climb on me at the end of the day. He has better technique than just 'climbing on me' lol... but that's how I felt about it at the time.
H used to ask me what a wanted from him...I'd answer to be left to SLEEP.

BUT once the youngest hit kindy/school age things started to change and I started reclaiming my own life/self back and our sex life greatly improved.
Then once i hit late 30's my drive shot up and is still there (i'm 44 now). Nowadays he has trouble keeping up.

I told my H many times how much I appreiciate it that he stuck by me and put up with my rejections which I know hurt him. He carried on being a great H and dad.
I'm doing my best to make up for it now though...ahem.

Have you told your wife how sad and lonely (and bitter) you feel? I read you have talked heaps but have you told her how you FEEL.. I know lots of men hate that touchy feely **** but it's how many women relate to issues...how it makes them feel. You've articlated it so thoughtfully and well here...I do hope that carries on into real life. I remember my H telling me how rejected and unwanted he felt at times and it broke my heart. It made me want to work harder and be more giving towards him.

I do hope you two can get this sorted because it sounds like a loving relationship that has got off track.
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