Too many threads about low sex drive
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Old 12-14-2011, 04:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Too many threads about low sex drive

I don't mean to be insensitive, I just don't get it. Who are these men that don't like having sex with their wives?

Sometimes I want to take all the men in sexless marriages, and hook them up with the women who are married to low sex drive men. I'm just wondering what would happen after a few months.....

Is there any low sex drive men here? I just don't understand it. Was it something that was always true or did it get worse over time? Did something trigger it? I just can't imagine not having sex for months and then not being a total horn dog. Are you low sex drive because you service yourself too much, or is there really no urge to ejaculate?

I considered myself low sex drive before because I wouldn't complain if we didn't have sex for a week or two (even though I really wanted it). I know some of my married friends get down right angry if they don't get it every night. After being on the site for a few weeks, I'm starting to believe that I have a horny teenager's drive.
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Old 12-14-2011, 05:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

It seems to me that more often than not, for men and women both, that it does not come down to sex drive.

It comes down to "state of mind". High drive, low drive, emotional connection, no emotional connection makes a difference, but when both people have the right "state of mind" when it comes to their partner/marriage they can/will come to a mutually satisfying compromise in and out of the bedroom.

As we can all read here, there are a million things that can determine the "state of mind" we have at any given time.

When two people can learn not to allow their changing state of mind to determine their day to day happiness, they can find middle ground.

Hmmm! I think that made sense????
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Old 12-14-2011, 05:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

I hope you don't mind me responding. My husband had his T-levels tested and is on the low range of normal. We were not sexless but our sex life certainly became strained. I expressed to him that what was happening was a big issue for me (our disconnect) and how I felt. My hormones were also heading into overdrive as I have the 30's buzz going on.

I asked him questions about his drive to understand it more myself. I'd been naive about this. He was not self servicing, the urge was not there on a daily basis although there was no ED.

There was a psychological aspect going on too. This resulted in looking at our marriage beyond our sex life. We really had it all out on the table this year to deal with. Some were issues related to just him, some were to do with me. I had some resentment and hurt building because I couldn't understand how we had other factors so good in our marriage but this was lacking. This is how I wanted us to connect and we were falling short. I was unintentionally not fulfilling his emotional needs. He was unintentionally not fulfilling my/our sexual needs. It got to the point where going over the hurt and confusion was just not benefiting anyone. At some point, we made a conscious decision to just put our best foot forward. And we kept doing this day after day. There was no expectation of us staying together, we just kept working through everything, out of respect for the close bond we'd had. We deserved to have understanding for ourselves and each other. In doing this, and cooling things from my end sexually, we concentrated on the emotional health of our relationship and what was happening between us. And, guess what? Through doing this, through working on ourselves for ourselves, the flirtations came back, the passion began to return, and great sex as a result.

This wasn't easy. The biggest thing was trying to overcome ego in those moments when emotions are raw.

To add to the mix, we also had some huge life changes going on and I'd underestimated how much stress this had put on him. So you see, there was a variety of things happening - as well as him discovering he had a slightly low drive.

We came out stronger for all of this. I've said I'd like sex 3-5 times per week. He's said he'd be happy with 2-3 times per week. We have affection and loving non-sexual touch, this was never a problem. I re-discovered that he likes tease and subtlety. I'd become too obvious for him and this had only added pressure to the situation. Together we switched things up. I began mildly alluring him, he began pursuing me again. He's now letting his deviant side be expressed more. He's taking more control in the bedroom. I love this.

He's discovered that exercise (weights) seems to help his drive, as well as sleep. He seems to need more sleep than me.

He initiates most of the time now and it's almost like the changes he's made alone as a man, have made him able to again be free with me, sexually. For him it was slightly physical and mostly emotional.
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Old 12-14-2011, 05:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

RDJ - I didn't see your post when I posted. It would have been easier to have hit "I agree"

I should add that, I'm now much more aware of his emotional needs. Things that might not be important to me, are indeed important to him. And our communication is improving too. If I've done (or not done) something, he speaks up about it. We also don't let something go unresolved anymore - no matter how minor it might seem.
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Old 12-14-2011, 05:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
I hope you don't mind me responding. My husband had his T-levels tested and is on the low range of normal. We were not sexless but our sex life certainly became strained. I expressed to him that what was happening was a big issue for me (our disconnect) and how I felt. My hormones were also heading into overdrive as I have the 30's buzz going on.

I asked him questions about his drive to understand it more myself. I'd been naive about this. He was not self servicing, the urge was not there on a daily basis although there was no ED.

There was a psychological aspect going on too. This resulted in looking at our marriage beyond our sex life. We really had it all out on the table this year to deal with. Some were issues related to just him, some were to do with me. I had some resentment and hurt building because I couldn't understand how we had other factors so good in our marriage but this was lacking. This is how I wanted us to connect and we were falling short. I was unintentionally not fulfilling his emotional needs. He was unintentionally not fulfilling my/our sexual needs. It got to the point where going over the hurt and confusion was just not benefiting anyone. At some point, we made a conscious decision to just put our best foot forward. And we kept doing this day after day. There was no expectation of us staying together, we just kept working through everything, out of respect for the close bond we'd had. We deserved to have understanding for ourselves and each other. In doing this, and cooling things from my end sexually, we concentrated on the emotional health of our relationship and what was happening between us. And, guess what? Through doing this, through working on ourselves for ourselves, the flirtations came back, the passion began to return, and great sex as a result.

This wasn't easy. The biggest thing was trying to overcome ego in those moments when emotions are raw.

To add to the mix, we also had some huge life changes going on and I'd underestimated how much stress this had put on him. So you see, there was a variety of things happening - as well as him discovering he had a slightly low drive.

We came out stronger for all of this. I've said I'd like sex 3-5 times per week. He's said he'd be happy with 2-3 times per week. We have affection and loving non-sexual touch, this was never a problem. I re-discovered that he likes tease and subtlety. I'd become too obvious for him and this had only added pressure to the situation. Together we switched things up. I began mildly alluring him, he began pursuing me again. He's now letting his deviant side be expressed more. He's taking more control in the bedroom. I love this.

He's discovered that exercise (weights) seems to help his drive, as well as sleep. He seems to need more sleep than me.

He initiates most of the time now and it's almost like the changes he's made alone as a man, have made him able to again be free with me, sexually. For him it was slightly physical and mostly emotional.
There's lots of natural ways to boost a man's drive, exercise and diet being very important. Full body exercises such as squats and dead lifts that involve large muscle groups boost "T", as do foods like almonds, pumpkin seeds, steak and eggs. I suggest checking the book the "Four Hour Body" the author took his "T" level to the very high normal range doing the above.
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Old 12-14-2011, 05:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

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Originally Posted by allthegoodnamesaregone View Post
There's lots of natural ways to boost a man's drive, exercise and diet being very important. Full body exercises such as squats and dead lifts that involve large muscle groups boost "T", as do foods like almonds, pumpkin seeds, steak and eggs. I suggest checking the book the "Four Hour Body" the author took his "T" level to the very high normal range doing the above.
Thanks for this suggestion!
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Old 12-14-2011, 06:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

HB,

I guess it is hard for me to understand because every guy I have ever known would gladly copulate with any woman as much as they would allow. It's so odd that there are women who have to pressure their husband's too have sex. I'm not trying to be insensitive, it is just hard for me to understand, and that it is so prevalent.

For me, and for the guys I know, sex can be emotionless. I could be totally pissed at my wife and have sex with her without blinking. It might not be as enjoyable, but I would still gladly do it. That's why I don't understand the emotional connection thing being a barrier to a man.

I can only imagine how frustrating that would be for a woman. As a guy, we kind of prepare ourselves for a life of sexlessness before marriage (I can't tell you how many times I heard about the penny jar). As a woman, you would probably have no inclination this is coming.

P.S. I always enjoy your posts but your avatar is a huge trigger for me! If I ever lash out at you, that's probably why
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Old 12-14-2011, 07:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

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HB,

I guess it is hard for me to understand because every guy I have ever known would gladly copulate with any woman as much as they would allow. It's so odd that there are women who have to pressure their husband's too have sex. I'm not trying to be insensitive, it is just hard for me to understand, and that it is so prevalent.

For me, and for the guys I know, sex can be emotionless. I could be totally pissed at my wife and have sex with her without blinking. It might not be as enjoyable, but I would still gladly do it. That's why I don't understand the emotional connection thing being a barrier to a man.

I can only imagine how frustrating that would be for a woman. As a guy, we kind of prepare ourselves for a life of sexlessness before marriage (I can't tell you how many times I heard about the penny jar). As a woman, you would probably have no inclination this is coming.

P.S. I always enjoy your posts but your avatar is a huge trigger for me! If I ever lash out at you, that's probably why
Yes, this was extremely frustrating and upsetting for me to get my head around too, at first.

And while trying to understand, amidst our turmoil, I remember he said that he wanted me to stick around as he felt "the best was yet to come" but regardless, he still needed to work on these issues himself because he knew they would no doubt emerge again, if in another relationship. I felt the same for myself too. He explained the emotional connection with sex had to be there for him with me - there's an expectation. He wouldn't need an emotional connection if he was single and just having sex. With me as his wife, the two go hand in hand. There are more layers to this, I'm trying to keep it as simple as possible. It might resonate with some.

He has a younger brother (early-mid 20's). They both learned to 'shut down' with their mom growing up. I've seen hubs do it around her, I've seen my brother in-law do it, even from an early age with him. She is flippant in mood and hubs grew up with all sorts of guilt trips etc. and didn't have a father or male role model around to balance this. This has been part of his journey, to face that, to face her. He "manned up" to her in a big way this year and it made way for things in our relationship to change. He was using patterns developed in childhood, in our relationship, where they weren't warranted or needed. Interestingly, when he discovered certain things this year about us as a couple, and about himself - he shared some of this with his bro. Turns out, his bro has experienced similar with his girlfriends.

So .....*taking breath because it's a lot to convey* ...this behavior of 'shutting down' was (unknowingly to hubs at the time) still present but emerging in our sex life. We have been working hard to break these patterns. He has done a lot of self-reflection and growing - for HIMSELF. This helped both of us. Obviously I had a part in this too but yes, sexuality and emotions aren't as easy as just getting naked and busy for some. My husband was worth going through the journey with though. He's a sexy beast of a man.
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Old 12-14-2011, 07:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

While there’s heterosexual and homosexual men who have sex drives, there is also asexual Asexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia who doesn’t have a sex drive. I know about it because I think it describes my younger son. He is in his mid thirties, doesn’t appear to have sexual relationships at all and has never looked like even getting close to being married. My elder son is like me with a quite high drive so it’s difficult to understand.
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Old 12-14-2011, 07:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

AFEH, do you and your son have a close relationship? I'm wondering if perhaps he just doesn't share the details of his sex life with you. Maybe he is just a private person? You know your son better than me; I was just pointing out a different possibility.

While my husband's sex drive is not low, (He is fine with three times a week.) it is lower than mine. I would love to have sex every single night, but hubby has difficulty ejaculating if he has sex too many times in a row.

As a compromise, we make love four times a week and spend one weekend day a month doing nothing but being affectionate and having sex.
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Old 12-14-2011, 08:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

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and spend one weekend day a month doing nothing but being affectionate and having sex.
Like...48 hours? I'm envious......
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Old 12-14-2011, 09:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

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Like...48 hours? I'm envious......
No, one weekend day, as in 24 hours.
Of course, we take breaks for cuddling, eating and showers.
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Old 12-14-2011, 10:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

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No, one weekend day, as in 24 hours.
Of course, we take breaks for cuddling, eating and showers.
Still envious! LOL... I'd be thrilled with a 2 hour stretch once a month. The hysterical bonding phase seems to be over, I'm missing the multiple hour sessions.
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Old 12-14-2011, 11:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too many threads about low sex drive

I'll bite on this thread....My husband is the type of guy who would not sleep with anyone without an emotional connection, he has told me this many times.... he hardly chased women at all, only asking 2 out before me- he was looking for love & would choose his hand over something he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with.

He is also not the aggressive type, His chest hair I compare to the needles on a Charley Brown Christmas tree, not much there....both of these could point to a "lower test" guy.
NORMAL, just a little lower than average -not the HIGH strung wired men who are like Beasts. His drive was high enough, he did tell me he masterbated up to 3 times a day before we married. After that, he felt that was my place. Unfortunetly I fell down on the job.

Also he was never the type to fight over sex, show anger-though he was irritated with me, he tried to hide it back then, he wanted sex every day but didn't come after me, he felt I was rejecting him (and I did during our infertility spell)-this messed him up some , so half the time he waited for me to jump him -he always knew It was coming.

He also is not the type who could have sex when angry or upset , this has no appeal to him -which I learned when MY drive sky rocketed in my early 40's (you just wait Heartsbeating!!) , I would fight with him thinking he didn't desire me- I wanted him to be more LUSTY, more aggressive, so I had to make up with him or I wasn't gettin' any!! So long as we resolved things, he was good to go!

To be honest, I could have easily had angry sex during that spell, totally totally relate to men who just want to BANG! I was a raging Nympho during this time - it was a little scary as I realized , for the 1st time in my life, I wouldn't have cared about the Emotional connection, LUST was more important to me !! ON his end, his attitude was ..he is going to ride this out for as long as it lasts -finally he was getting all the attention he ever dreamed of , But he couldn't keep up !

So what did I do... I sent him to the Encron to get his Test checked! This is rather looking back. We had to downplay why we were REALLY there , learned his levels were on the lower end of Normal -she scared the daylights out of me saying his #'s were normal for a man in his 60's! He was just 45. I worreid about that da** comment for months, thinking I am doomed, he is an old man now, all washed up and I missed his best years -out of stupidity.

So I took to reading, research, buying TEST books, and learned that SOME MEN just have lower Test most of their lives and those #'s work fine for them, I believe my husband falls into this category, cause he is able to have sex once a day - at his age without erection helpers (he just turned 48) -anything more than that is pushing it though! Mornings are best.

The emotional connection is what drives him ...He has told me....Sex is never just "sex" to him --it is "making love".

For these types of men, if something is OFF in the relationship.... feeling rejected, unresolved anger, resentment, etc .... it would just blow the whole house down sexually. ... Kinda like Heartsbeatings husband, he needed more.
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Old 12-14-2011, 11:59 PM   #15 (permalink)
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He also is not the type who could have sex when angry or upset , this has no appeal to him -which I learned when MY drive sky rocketed in my early 40's (you just wait Heartsbeating!!) , I would fight with him thinking he didn't desire me- I wanted him to be more LUSTY, more aggressive...
Oh great!! ...well I hope this forum is still around in 5 years then
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