It's been a while since I've posted here. I've always been lurking around for the last few months though, always once every 3-5 weeks (always when my 'down' mood hits me again). But lately, I've been on this board a few times a week. As time passes, I grow ever more confused, empty; hence this post.
Initially, a couple of months ago I first came here and started a thread about my situation (Hi! I'm a nice guy..
): sexless marriage, not feeling loved/desired, lack of intimacy. Basically I was told by the very helping and loving people on this board (and finally by myself) to 'man up'. And so I did.
Whenever the wife asked me to do something, I did it, I took care of whatever, and I still do. I started going to the gym with my brother and his macho male friends 4 to 6 times a week, and I still do (it's showing, and I'm digging it). I made it my case to be on top of sh*t.
I never really did 'understand' the whole Alpha male thing though; I GET the concept, but to me, in my scenario and my personality, it feels as I would always have to put up a show, be a certain persona. At this (at being 'manly', maybe 'macho' in some ways) I obviously started failing, since I never believed in it from the start. But that's okay I guess, since I'm feeling better not pretending anyway and I have a feeling the wife doesn't really care either way..
The reason why I'm back (this board's success-rate is partially calculated by the number that DON'T come back, right?
) is because I feel I'm not going anywhere. I feel weird because all of my 'solutions' in becoming a 'man' seem to superficial ('looking good', being a 'man'')
Obviously, I'm 'doing it' wrong. Sure, I'll be the first to admit that. The thing is though, I AM going places. I feel better about ME, I look better and get complimented about it by other females (while my wife is standing right next to me (wtf?)), I get **** done.
Except our relationship problems, which in the end is the only thing I really care about fixing. There is still the lack of intimacy, there is still barely any sex, I'm losing faith here and I feel I'm giving up.
On our first anniversary a 6 weeks back I got her flowers and took her out and gave her an awesome day. That night, she said 'I think we really, really need to go to bed, hon' and she initiated sex for the first time since I don't even know when. And for me, it was kind of awkward. I felt incredibily incapable inside but we had great sex nonetheless. I couldn't help feeling afterwards that I somehow got 'rewarded' though for giving her a nice day, and I'm not after rewards. I'm after a loving, respecting, compromising relationship/marriage.
Lately I sense a vibe in the air that sh*t get's sweeped under the rug and that's it WAAAAY too obvious, and that she's aware of it too, but we're both too chickensh*t to deal with it. Living in a very liberal country (holland), there's sex on TV a lot in one way or another, and I can sense her feeling awkward about it, obviously cause of the situation we're in.
A month back, the resentment kicked back in with a vengeance. And since then I stopped caring somehow, I felt like 'f*ck it, then I won't have sex for the rest of my life, all the other things in my life are pretty awesome'. I stopped initiating sex months and months back anyway because I knew I was going to get turned down, now I refuse to initiate because I'm stubborn (even if she does think I look good, as she said a couple of times), resentful and feel I don't give a f*ck anymore. I almost feel like 'I'm not having sex, but at least YOU'RE not having sex either' (and can say this for a fact btw, affairs on her part are not going on). This has led me to feel like I'm just a shell walking around, hollow inside, but ONLY AT TIMES WHEN I'M AROUND HER and she's starting to notice. I'm just so confused, I don't know what 'making an effort' means (to me) anymore
All I want is for us to succeed, failure is not an option. I still believe that we can make it through this. We've been through so much together, we came from nothing and are actually moving to the other side of the world together in a few months on our own strenght! Almost everything is great about us, we click in every possible way, we're like a well oiled-machine, we're a super-team. We 'just' have this huge elephant in the room.
Again, I'm not looking for options like walking out. We're in this together, this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, even if it were to remain sexless, I would probably do it. But I sense she's not happy about the situation either.
-"then talk about it!"..
If only it were that easy for me to. When it comes to talking about feelings, problems, I came a long way, but I'm still very 'male' in that aspect. I feel awkward about it, I feel she's going to take what I say completely the wrong way; words never seem to come out right and portray what I mean. Also the timing, it never feels the 'right time' to bring something up. We never ever actually sat down and had like an official meeting stating the problems and I feel that this issue actually asks for exactly that.
Basically, this post can be summed up in I just don't know anymore, I feel I'm giving up..
I need help..