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post #16 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 08:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
When she does have your attention what are you two doing? Are you spending nice, quality time together with intimate conversation, connecting? Because she sounds like a whiny brat, but it also sounds like she is not really in love with you right now, despite all you're doing for her. A woman who is in love with her husband doesn't complain about the house and everything else because she is happy and so who really cares about those things?

I like the Men are from Mars book idea. Also, check this out, especially Basic Concept #4 the policy of undivided attention: A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

They say women typically need 15 hours a week of undivided attention to feel in love. Things like watching TV and cleaning the house don't count as your "attention" is not undivided. If you can get her to be in love that would solve your problem. If it turns out the problem is that she is just the type of woman for whom nothing is ever enough, then just make sure you don't have kids...

You also might check out a book called "No more Mr. Nice guy" - I've never read it (plus I'm a woman) but I've seen it recommended to men a lot when they are in a situation where their wife is walking all over them and they are giving in and she's even less happy.

I'd start with the marriagebuilders thing first though - if you're spending all your evening and most of the weekend with her as it is -- make that time really count! When she's in love with you she'll get off your back!
You ask some very good questions, but to cut to the core when there is an opportunity to have some real quality time together I feel like I can't get her off of her phone. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. It drives me crazy. When I mention that it bothers me she typically responds with a redirected accusation at some facet of my behavior that she dislikes. It's an endless circle, she demands attention yet when the opportunity arises her phone has most of the attention. If I can get her to set it down it's usually in a huffy crappy mood which ruins any good conversation. Even on date nights her phone is in her hand most of the time and I make an effort to never look at mine, even if it means I'm looking out the window waiting for her to get done with whatever she's doing. Laying in bed is the same, she's on her phone.
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post #17 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 08:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

I've also given in to other things she wants, we now have six animals despite my repeated statements that I don't want more (at the beginning of our marriage I only had a cat). It's like she doesn't respect my desires at all. Or the fact that I don't want to pay for six animals. I am reasonably sure she will always want SOMETHING else at this point. Always
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post #18 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:11 PM
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So it doesn't sound like a very happy time. The phone usage alone would drive me away. What are you going to do about it?
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post #19 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:17 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

Leave the girl wife and find a woman to spend your life with.

Do NOT have kids with her.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #20 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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So it doesn't sound like a very happy time. The phone usage alone would drive me away. What are you going to do about it?
Well like Holdingontoit said, first off I'm not going to have kids with her that's for sure! Not now and not for a while. But I don't believe in divorce, I said that vow in front of my family and God. My word means something to me, so I'm going to go to counseling for myself. Because you can't change anyone else you can only work on yourself. Then I'm going to work on getting her to go with me.
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post #21 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

How do you feel about spanking?

Because were I in your shoes, she would be getting them daily.

You have an extremely unhealthy marriage dynamic and it will destruct.

Your wife is also in the red zone for an affair.

Not saying she is at all but she is swimming in shark infested waters.

Your marriage needs help immediately. Counseling and /or marriage books to read together.

You might not want to divorce but you certainly won't have a marriage without serious intervention soon.

Having a crappy sex life is only one of many super destructive elements of your marriage.
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post #22 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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You ask some very good questions, but to cut to the core when there is an opportunity to have some real quality time together I feel like I can't get her off of her phone. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. It drives me crazy. When I mention that it bothers me she typically responds with a redirected accusation at some facet of my behavior that she dislikes. It's an endless circle, she demands attention yet when the opportunity arises her phone has most of the attention. If I can get her to set it down it's usually in a huffy crappy mood which ruins any good conversation. Even on date nights her phone is in her hand most of the time and I make an effort to never look at mine, even if it means I'm looking out the window waiting for her to get done with whatever she's doing. Laying in bed is the same, she's on her phone.
Uggggh that would be so frustrating. So many people are addicted to social media. She definitely sounds immature and self centered.

I wonder how it would go over if you talked to her about this when you're both in a good mood and propose a "policy" that the phones are off and put away during certain times (in the evenings, when the two of you are out together, etc.). You can bring it up as something you want to do to improve your marriage. (As opposed to this is something she's doing that is bugging you.)

That phone will always be distracting. It needs to be put in airplane mode when the two of you are together.

Something I thought of from your first post, but I'm sure it would NOT go over well, but I thought you could keep a log for a few weeks of all the time you did spend with her. Now you could add to it how many times she checked her phone while you were together. That would probably really piss her off, but seriously, she's acting like a spoiled brat if she's complaining you don't spend enough time with her and she's on her phone when you are with her. HELLO?! Does she not know that is rude and inconsiderate? Of course if she's addicted, she won't stop even if she knows it's wrong.
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post #23 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Uggggh that would be so frustrating. So many people are addicted to social media. She definitely sounds immature and self centered.

I wonder how it would go over if you talked to her about this when you're both in a good mood and propose a "policy" that the phones are off and put away during certain times (in the evenings, when the two of you are out together, etc.). You can bring it up as something you want to do to improve your marriage. (As opposed to this is something she's doing that is bugging you.)

That phone will always be distracting. It needs to be put in airplane mode when the two of you are together.

Something I thought of from your first post, but I'm sure it would NOT go over well, but I thought you could keep a log for a few weeks of all the time you did spend with her. Now you could add to it how many times she checked her phone while you were together. That would probably really piss her off, but seriously, she's acting like a spoiled brat if she's complaining you don't spend enough time with her and she's on her phone when you are with her. HELLO?! Does she not know that is rude and inconsiderate? Of course if she's addicted, she won't stop even if she knows it's wrong.
I have proposed this policy in the past, maybe I didn't choose the right time, phrase it in such a way that she was receptive to it, or emphasize it enough. And I tried to put it in such a way that I was suggesting it would help our marriage. Or maybe she doesn't care to do it.

But I feel her treatment of me changed radically not long after we got married. When we were dating she would come over and always clean, do the dishes for me voluntarily. She was far more patient, kind, giving, and receptive. After we got married it seems the focus changed. Now when I get back from work there is usually something she has been waiting for me to arrive home to accomplish and wants my help with, running to the store, some task around the house she could accomplish alone, when she knows I have been working all day and I would appreciate being able to get home and not work more around the house. She has time, she is home far more than I am. I don't feel this is an unfair expectation, my time is limited and if she wanted the quality time with me these things could be accomplished earlier.

And I've thought many times about keeping a record of these things, but I came to the same conclusion that it would likely just cause more conflict. And honestly I don't think I could keep up with the number of times stupid little arguments arise, because the way she is I would have to keep a log not only of what was said but the context in which it was said so that it wasn't manipulated later.
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post #24 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Thought that title might get some attention. So here's my dilemma; my wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. During the entire duration of our marriage, I have more or less been the working spouse(with the exception of a few short lived jobs on her part). I am an electrical contractor, my days typically consist of waking at 6:15 A.M. and being out the door no later than 7. An average day gets me home by 5:30-6:00 P.M., but usually one or two days a week I won't be home until 7 or possibly later. From the moment I get home my time and attention is hers, however I try to always pitch in around the house in the evenings and clean, do dishes, etc. On the weekends I spend every bit of time with her I can. With one exception being the night time on Friday or Saturday night (generally sneak off to be alone and watch some tv, read, play a game around 9:30- 10:00 up til maybe 1, 2 at the latest) . I am the type of person who values his solitude, I spend all week in the "on" position physically working, dealing with customers, dealing with contractors, phone calls, bids, billing, etc. and by the end of the week I feel worn raw, irritable, and fatigued. The time alone allows me to recharge. I don't ask her for little favors, in fact I try to get as much done as possible so as not to place much of a workload on her as she in school. But despite the fact that the only thing I ever ask of her is to have some time to myself on the weekends, she will repeatedly say "You don't spend enough time with me." Which I can't help but feel is unfair to me, I took this job to support her through school, the only spare time I DON'T spend with her is a few hours on the weekends, at night, when there isn't much to do that time of night anyways. She has made these few hours into a huge deal even threatening divorce because she says "All you care about is being alone and watching tv or playing a game" when that couldn't be more untrue. I simply know that when I reach a certain point I begin to get snappy and I don't want to treat her that way so solitude gives me some space to unwind. Did I miss the waiver that forfeited every moment of my time after marriage or am I just way off base? Anyone who has dealt with something similar, I would be glad to hear from.

P.S.- Also, despite all the time I spend working, she is always complaining about how we can't go do enough or get enough new stuff and complains about the house I work hard to have bought, and the car. It's like nothing is ever enough with her. Again, anyone who has dealt with a similar situation, did you find resolution or deal with these things in a specific manner?
Apart from studying what does your wife do? She doesn't seem to have enough activities to occupy her.
YOu should both read, HIs Needs Her Needs and she has to understand that you need your own time and that another person cannot possibly fulfil all her needs.

I think you have to sit her down and share with her exactly what you shared with us. Tell her, she is your 'wing man' and you are doing your best and need her support not her constant complaining, you need her to understand that you have to have downtime where you just vegetate.
It is possible that it is not a matter of time spent with her but the quality of the time you spend with her. Women generally will be please enough if you give some affection on a daily basis (not sex), kiss, hugs, hand on her back, etc
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post #25 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

ConanHub it won't let me quote you, but I think you are right about the affair issue. She has said some things lately that can only be received as attempting to bait me into arguments. For example, she is in Colorado currently helping a friend move and said she "found a girlfriend" and is "going to have sex with her". To which I said, that happens and you can expect to be out on your a$$ divorced, alone, and broke before you know what's going on. Needless to say it went downhill from there. I'm at a loss here, she has become intentionally hurtful. What are your thoughts?
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post #26 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:12 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

Pag, I agree with the five respondents concluding that your W's behavior sounds very childish. Specifically, I agree with @TheTruthHurts that you're describing "a kid who needs to grow up." I agree with @WorkingWife that your W "sounds like a whiny brat." Similarly, @ConanHub says she needs to be "spanked daily." I also agree with @Holdingontoit that she sounds like "a girl wife." And I agree with @Spicy that your W "needs to get past being a baby."

It is concerning that your W sounds so emotionally immature. Also concerning is the way she exhibited irrational jealousy when you told her about a sexual hookup that had occurred before you started dating her exclusively -- moreover, she continues to beat you over the head with that false allegation (of "cheating") two years later.

Also concerning is her blaming you for every misfortune, her threatening you with divorce when you spent a few hours alone, and her insatiable need for animals and things -- none of which manage to make her happy (an impossible task).

All of these behaviors are concerning because, like the childish behavior that five respondents commented on, they are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser extent, for NPD (Narcissistic PD). Significantly, I am not saying that your W has a full-blown PD but, instead, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of one.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD (or NPD) warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," irrational jealousy, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion from a psychologist.

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I'm going to go to counseling for myself.
If by "counseling" you mean "marriage counseling," I recommend you put that on hold for a while. MCs usually are very good at teaching communication skills but, if your W exhibits strong traits of BPD or NPD, her issues are far more serious than a simple lack of communication skills.

I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you likely are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD (and NPD) warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Pag.
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post #27 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

I am old enough to see that many people marry the wrong person. They may somehow feel that things will be different once married. Also, many do not live with their wives to be so they are going into marriage blind as to what it would be like to live together 24/7. Apparently your wife has expectations that are not realistic. I worked 6 days a week until 7pm, home by 8pm. I traveled on business for 3-4 months of the year. One difference is that I was making very good money when I got married so my wife had a new house, car and anything else she needed or wanted. She wants little, but I like to spoil her.

I could not bear coming home to a wife who complained as much as yours seems to do. We would not have lasted long. Either your wife changes or you may have to make a change because there is no pleasing some people. My niece is in her mid thirties and very good looking. Every time she had a boyfriend and moved in with him, he broke up with her. She is like your wife. Her last fiancee is a fireman and their hours are crazy. She complained about that. She complained about not being able to buy the expense fashionable clothes she wanted and new cars, etc.. Like her 6 previous boyfriends, he could not take living with her. Good thing that these guys decided to live together before marriage.

It is not uncommon for women to marry a man who is not exactly what they want but feel that they can change him after marriage. Problem is that few adults actually change and if we do change, it may not be the way the wife wants us too. You can try to talk to her and if she will not change, then you have a decision to make.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #28 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 10:39 AM
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Well, of course it went downhill. You hit her where it hurts - "out on her a $$" and "broke". Consider the possibility that on top of being selfish/immature in general, she prioritizes a certain lifestyle.

I see that she is fine with you busting your a$$ running your own business while she has a soft job. Does she encourage you to step back a bit from that a bit or offer to take more of the financial burden?

Also there is the issue of piling on chores instead of doing them herself. Has she hit you up for domestic help yet?

If you (God forbid) had a major injury or lost your contractor's license, what would be her response?

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ConanHub it won't let me quote you, but I think you are right about the affair issue. She has said some things lately that can only be received as attempting to bait me into arguments. For example, she is in Colorado currently helping a friend move and said she "found a girlfriend" and is "going to have sex with her". To which I said, that happens and you can expect to be out on your a$$ divorced, alone, and broke before you know what's going on. Needless to say it went downhill from there. I'm at a loss here, she has become intentionally hurtful. What are your thoughts?
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post #29 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 04:31 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

Set out specific things you want changed -attitudes, respect, tasks, time together, etc.

Set a time frame that is acceptable for you.

Then sit down with her and work out a plan of action. If you're making forward progress and the time ends, extend it if you want.

Otherwise consider MC or divorce.

Anything short of a specific action plan with consequences probably won't work.

Oh - and the sex comment is ALARMING - it shows a shocking level of entitlement. Frankly that might be all I need to start planning a divorce. People tell you who they are - it's up to you to listen


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post #30 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:23 PM Thread Starter
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I've been doing a lot of reading and I think I have started getting closer to the core of the issue, not saying it is the answer but it's hopefully on the right track. She often uses friends relationships as an example, I often hear that relationships "should be a certain way" and it is based on what she sees of others. She had an expectation of what marriage would be like when we got married and it doesn't match up to that expectation and despite the fact that it has been a year and a half she holds on to those expectations. I had expectations yes, I once knew a person who came over and cleaned for me without me asking, worked hard and was independent, who would work regardless of what the job was and up to 3 jobs at a time to get where she wanted to be, who was patient and respectful of my "friends" (whom I later parted ways with because they would not show her a shred of friendliness I.e. Not saying hello to her when she was standing right in front of them). I now have a wife who I have to bug to get to clean (and then it's usually a situation where I walk in and one of the first things I hear through the door is "I did the dishes you're welcome") won't work anywhere but her desired field when I have repeatedly asked for her help financially (claiming that there are absolutely no opportunities for her here), and not only dislikes the few friends I have, but openly expresses her aggravation with my family. Yet I have tried to be as patient and loving towards her as possible despite these false expectations for mine.... aside from the arguments that occasionally make me lose my patience with her and some of my sanity. She believes marriage should "make her happy" and has seemingly pinned me with the impossible task of being the person responsible for said happiness. It is an incredibly entitled attitude

Now I could be totally wrong and I am not afraid to admit that, but reading multitudes of similar experiences had led me to this train of thought
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