Pleasing your wife? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
Well like Holdingontoit said, first off I'm not going to have kids with her that's for sure! Not now and not for a while. But I don't believe in divorce, I said that vow in front of my family and God. My word means something to me, so I'm going to go to counseling for myself. Because you can't change anyone else you can only work on yourself. Then I'm going to work on getting her to go with me.
I "didnt belive in divorce" and married a woman i thought was 100% sure that couldn't happen.

I'm divorced.

Let me shed some light on this......OK you BOTH took vows...."to love, honor and cherish" and its fair to say your wife ain't holding up her end of the vow.

her constantly on her phone....could be an emotional affair or worse.....or could be her looking at anyone and everyone else on Fakebook and pouting like a three year old that the Cinderella life she is dreaming of isn't going to happen.

You are in for a rough ride. But consider yourself lucky that you don;t have kids yet, have not that much of your life invested in this woman, and have the ability to make a clean break.

my advise to you is that the issues your wife is dealing with and complaining about are the tip of the iceberg. Serious counseling is in order FOR HER and you both. but be prepared for the very real reality this marriage may be over. You get to decide how deep of a hole you want to dig with her by your belief in standing by your vows no matter what.
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post #32 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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ConanHub it won't let me quote you, but I think you are right about the affair issue. She has said some things lately that can only be received as attempting to bait me into arguments. For example, she is in Colorado currently helping a friend move and said she "found a girlfriend" and is "going to have sex with her". To which I said, that happens and you can expect to be out on your a$$ divorced, alone, and broke before you know what's going on. Needless to say it went downhill from there. I'm at a loss here, she has become intentionally hurtful. What are your thoughts?
Sorry for that. Was distracted by sex threads LOL!

I honestly do not believe she is in any way ready to be a girlfriend much less wife.

My first suggestion would be to get your legal ducks in a row by consulting with a lawyer to at least get a picture of where you would stand in a divorce and how to protect yourself legally.

I think you should proceed with it but if you are convinced she is worth some serious blood, sweat and tears then just get the paperwork done without filing or having her served yet.

Get the paperwork done at least so you can have a somber talk with your wife about how your divorce will look.

You notice I'm not mentioning threatening divorce but actually preparing it?

Your wife is acting like you and her marriage are a joke. She is behaving like it is a tv comedy drama.

You need to behave like it is real. She needs to see it.

Now if she is able to be rational at all discussing divorce, you will be on a good track.

If she flips out and continues to act immature, then file and have her served, following the advice of your lawyer in what actions you should take. I advise immediate separation physically if possible.

If she reacts by becoming broken and sorrowful while expressing a desire to stay married to you, then you have to have a plan in place to build a marriage together that will require both of you.

Unless she expresses some form of negative emotion over losing you and tells you she wants to keep your marriage, I've got no other advice.

If she wants to save her marriage, and you do too, then I have several ideas for directions you two can take.

Without your willingness to put a stop to this farce and her willingness to make it a real marriage, then no plan is worth talking about.

If you want to take a different path and want to determine if she is cheating.

Getting expertise with keyloggers, phone spying apps and voice activated recorders are the way to go.

There is a thread on CWI here that is called The Standard Evidence Thread by weightlifter.

Best wishes mate!
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post #33 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

Hey Pag, I've dealt with some of this (see bolded text). I'm that way exactly, and also don't sleep well, SO I'm frequently wiped out. My H used to make grand plans for us every weekend when all I wanted was to recharge, and get the household chores done (this is back when he didn't lift a finger). It took him probably over 2 years to understand when I said "I'm too tired to go and do/visit ____". What really drove it home was that I ended up sitting him down and explained the way a sleep deprived introvert works. Maybe you just need to sit down with your W and explain to her why you need that time to yourself.

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Thought that title might get some attention. So here's my dilemma; my wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. During the entire duration of our marriage, I have more or less been the working spouse(with the exception of a few short lived jobs on her part). I am an electrical contractor, my days typically consist of waking at 6:15 A.M. and being out the door no later than 7. An average day gets me home by 5:30-6:00 P.M., but usually one or two days a week I won't be home until 7 or possibly later. From the moment I get home my time and attention is hers, however I try to always pitch in around the house in the evenings and clean, do dishes, etc. On the weekends I spend every bit of time with her I can. With one exception being the night time on Friday or Saturday night (generally sneak off to be alone and watch some tv, read, play a game around 9:30- 10:00 up til maybe 1, 2 at the latest) . I am the type of person who values his solitude, I spend all week in the "on" position physically working, dealing with customers, dealing with contractors, phone calls, bids, billing, etc. and by the end of the week I feel worn raw, irritable, and fatigued. The time alone allows me to recharge. I don't ask her for little favors, in fact I try to get as much done as possible so as not to place much of a workload on her as she in school. But despite the fact that the only thing I ever ask of her is to have some time to myself on the weekends, she will repeatedly say "You don't spend enough time with me." Which I can't help but feel is unfair to me, I took this job to support her through school, the only spare time I DON'T spend with her is a few hours on the weekends, at night, when there isn't much to do that time of night anyways. She has made these few hours into a huge deal even threatening divorce because she says "All you care about is being alone and watching tv or playing a game" when that couldn't be more untrue. I simply know that when I reach a certain point I begin to get snappy and I don't want to treat her that way so solitude gives me some space to unwind. Did I miss the waiver that forfeited every moment of my time after marriage or am I just way off base? Anyone who has dealt with something similar, I would be glad to hear from.
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post #34 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 05:14 PM Thread Starter
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I have tried many times to explain, to have a conversation about it, but she is still convinced that I don't need that time at the end of each week. In her mind every other week (or less) is enough, needless to say she is an extreme extrovert. Her demand is that I spend more time with her, yet I spend 50 hours or more working each week, around 40 hours with her throughout the week and weekend, and maybe get 6-10 hours in an entire week to do anything for myself. I have always been introverted and before marriage I was rarely in need of company, after work I usually was home but wpuld hang out with friends maybe once or twice a week....so this is a huge change I have made already. How can I get through to her that I have already changed my entire lifestyle to accommodate her needs?
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post #35 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Well like Holdingontoit said, first off I'm not going to have kids with her that's for sure! Not now and not for a while. But I don't believe in divorce, I said that vow in front of my family and God. My word means something to me, so I'm going to go to counseling for myself. Because you can't change anyone else you can only work on yourself. Then I'm going to work on getting her to go with me.
Sometimes though, people marry the wrong person.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #36 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 07:09 PM Thread Starter
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Well she just got back from Colorado, I took half a day off work to get her flowers, write a thoughtful card, clean the house, prepare dinner for us to do together. And it's been nothing but complaints and talk about divorce and a timeline for ME to change. Talk about a great welcome home!
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post #37 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 07:33 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
Thought that title might get some attention. So here's my dilemma; my wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. During the entire duration of our marriage, I have more or less been the working spouse(with the exception of a few short lived jobs on her part). I am an electrical contractor, my days typically consist of waking at 6:15 A.M. and being out the door no later than 7. An average day gets me home by 5:30-6:00 P.M., but usually one or two days a week I won't be home until 7 or possibly later. From the moment I get home my time and attention is hers, however I try to always pitch in around the house in the evenings and clean, do dishes, etc. On the weekends I spend every bit of time with her I can. With one exception being the night time on Friday or Saturday night (generally sneak off to be alone and watch some tv, read, play a game around 9:30- 10:00 up til maybe 1, 2 at the latest) . I am the type of person who values his solitude, I spend all week in the "on" position physically working, dealing with customers, dealing with contractors, phone calls, bids, billing, etc. and by the end of the week I feel worn raw, irritable, and fatigued. The time alone allows me to recharge. I don't ask her for little favors, in fact I try to get as much done as possible so as not to place much of a workload on her as she in school. But despite the fact that the only thing I ever ask of her is to have some time to myself on the weekends, she will repeatedly say "You don't spend enough time with me." Which I can't help but feel is unfair to me, I took this job to support her through school, the only spare time I DON'T spend with her is a few hours on the weekends, at night, when there isn't much to do that time of night anyways. She has made these few hours into a huge deal even threatening divorce because she says "All you care about is being alone and watching tv or playing a game" when that couldn't be more untrue. I simply know that when I reach a certain point I begin to get snappy and I don't want to treat her that way so solitude gives me some space to unwind. Did I miss the waiver that forfeited every moment of my time after marriage or am I just way off base? Anyone who has dealt with something similar, I would be glad to hear from.

P.S.- Also, despite all the time I spend working, she is always complaining about how we can't go do enough or get enough new stuff and complains about the house I work hard to have bought, and the car. It's like nothing is ever enough with her. Again, anyone who has dealt with a similar situation, did you find resolution or deal with these things in a specific manner?
I'm going to throw a wrench in this. My ex would have said many of the same things. He was (still is) so delusional in his part of the problem. He thought he was husband of the year, when in reality he sucked so bad.

Are you not seeing her pain?

Buying crap (house, car, expensive crap) meant absolutely nothing to me, yet he said I wanted it. Nope. Stuff means NOTHING.
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post #38 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 08:05 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Well she just got back from Colorado, I took half a day off work to get her flowers, write a thoughtful card, clean the house, prepare dinner for us to do together. And it's been nothing but complaints and talk about divorce and a timeline for ME to change. Talk about a great welcome home!
Try dating. I hear there are these marvelous creatures called WOMEN.

You have something between a harpy and a lizard.

Plus you are a wimp.

Not being mean but your wife might need a John Wayne type, see Quiet Man or McClintock.

She might seriously need, desire or respond to a rougher, firmer sort of man.

Can you picture her coming home from Colorado and having no flowers or nice dinner or anything but a hard, passionate kiss, a no nonsense walk to the bedroom (over your shoulder if necessary) and then the pounding of her life, leaving her an orgasmic mess?

Just a thought.

Your wimpy, yes dear, nice guy ways as she shyts in your mouth doesn't seem to be making anyone happy.

There are women who are just fine with really nice guys but she doesn't appear to be one of them.

Regardless, this isn't working.
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post #39 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 09:00 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
Well she just got back from Colorado, I took half a day off work to get her flowers, write a thoughtful card, clean the house, prepare dinner for us to do together. And it's been nothing but complaints and talk about divorce and a timeline for ME to change. Talk about a great welcome home!
She also could be seeing someone else behind your back. Someone who keeps talking about divorce, Idk. I'd get out of this marriage. There are two sides to every story, but why doesn't she file if she's so miserable? She sounds like she just wants to rule over you, and make you miserable. If she really wanted out, she would file, and stop threatening. So, I'd file if I were you, heal from this and move on. You're not a bad person, don't let one person's negativity bring you down. I hope you find some peace.

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post #40 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:31 AM Thread Starter
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Oh I'm still preparing, when I noticed her computer profile password changed that's the key logger went into effect
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post #41 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 08:17 AM Thread Starter
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So what you're saying is that despite the fact that I spend almost every spare moment aside from a few hours on the weekend with her, it's unreasonable and my problem that I need a little time to myself? When it is the only thing I ask for for myself?
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post #42 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 08:36 AM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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How can I get through to her that I have already changed my entire lifestyle to accommodate her needs?
This is your problem. You're being too accommodating and losing your own identity in the process.

Show her on paper the breakdown of hours working, spent with her, and spent alone per week. A human being needs alone time.

She'll need to find things to keep her occupied other than social media. Unless she's connecting with faraway family there is literally no reason to spend all your free time on Facebook. Or TAM for that matter.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #43 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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I have tried just that, I spend between 34 and 40 hours a week with her depending on my work schedule, 50 ish hours working.

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How can I get through to her that I have already changed my entire lifestyle to accommodate her needs?
This is your problem. You're being too accommodating and losing your own identity in the process.

Show her on paper the breakdown of hours working, spent with her, and spent alone per week. A human being needs alone time.

She'll need to find things to keep her occupied other than social media. Unless she's connecting with faraway family there is literally no reason to spend all your free time on Facebook. Or TAM for that matter.
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post #44 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:07 AM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

@pag1617: Listen to @ConanHub. Time to be less reasonable. Less attentive. Less available. Less willing to compromise your needs for hers.

Might seem to you that if giving her 110% of what you are comfortable giving isn't making her happy, then giving her 90% will surely be worse. Experience shows that it doesn't work that way. Some women feel unsafe if they can push their man around. They only feel safe if they see that their man will stand up for himself and resist her requests. After all, if he can't or won't stand up to her, how can she trust that he will stand up to other people to defend her. Not very PC and many of these women will not admit to this dynamic. But it is real and occurs often enough that it is worth our mentioning to you as a possible root cause of your predicament. And worth you trying an experiment to see if saying "no" to her produces better results than saying "yes ma'am".

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post #45 of 71 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:20 AM Thread Starter
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I have stood my ground on my time alone since we first got married. This is why I am at a loss.
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