Pleasing your wife? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

50 hours at work plus 40 hours with her and only 6 or 8 for you? I think you have conceded much too far in her direction. Switch that to 20 hours with her and 30 for yourself and I will agree with you that you have stood your ground.

Look, I understand it is easy for me to say and not so easy psychologically for you. I was you. Kissing my wife's butt and getting neglected. Now I go out to happy hour with a buddy from work and get home after she is ready for bed one or 2 nights a week. No, I don't cheat but I do spend time and money away from her. She gets less of me these days. And you know what? She is happier and more pleased with me and provides more affection than back when I was kissing her butt. She likes that I am stronger and more independent. Would she have told me that a couple of years ago? NO. Would she have told me that deep down she likes having to fight for my attention? NO. But she respects me more now that she can no longer push me around. Now when she tries to send me to the dog house I laugh and tell her it is her loss if she doesn't want to be with me. And then the next day I go to happy hour and my wife is the one sitting home alone. So who got punished for her rejecting me? Not me.

When you can see it coming, duck!

Last edited by Holdingontoit; 02-03-2017 at 01:33 PM.
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post #47 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
Again, anyone who has dealt with a similar situation, did you find resolution or deal with these things in a specific manner?
I'm probably a bit like your wife in the regard. For me, the biggest issue is not that you want two or three hours to yourself, but that it must happen on either a Friday or Saturday night. Those are both valuable time slots.

The issue regarding kids is more ominous.
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post #48 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Well she just got back from Colorado, I took half a day off work to get her flowers, write a thoughtful card, clean the house, prepare dinner for us to do together. And it's been nothing but complaints and talk about divorce and a timeline for ME to change. Talk about a great welcome home!
Well, after that, you'd be a fool to stay in the marriage.

File now.

There really isn't any other option.
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post #49 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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She just doesn't seem to want to realize that I'm a human being with needs of my own, even the little bit of time I've carved out for myself she fights me over. So she can either complain about my little recharge time or complain if I gave her ALL my time, because I know myself and I would be a grouchy, quiet, and distant person. Instead of realizing that if she didn't fight me over this and let me relax in peace, I would be able to engage with her on a full tank
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post #50 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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@Holdingontoit
I have stood my ground on my time alone since we first got married. This is why I am at a loss.
My thought is there is someone else...thus her changing her password, etc. You 'not spending enough time with her' is the excuse she seems to be using to divorce you...or threaten you with divorce. If you start spending time with her, it will never be enough, it seems like. Why do you wish to stay with someone who treats you badly?

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #51 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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That's becoming an increasingly good question. For example tonight is date night, the entire ride it was phone time for her, I told her no phones (included myself so as not to put defenses up and ruin a halfway decent mood) while we are actually having dinner, right after we got back in the car it was right back to the phone again. I made myself available for her to hang out with here, just in the living room, but she has decided to go to the bedroom and watch tv. Getting that quality time together is not my fault entirely. When I told her I got her just a little welcome back gift she looked at the flowers, briefly read the card and went "hm". No gratitude, no real response to what I said. I think you're right, she's just looking for a way out.
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post #52 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

You could do some snooping to find out who is the other person in her life. Or you could cut to the chase and divorce her and find someone who actually wants to be married to you.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #53 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
Thought that title might get some attention. So here's my dilemma; my wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. During the entire duration of our marriage, I have more or less been the working spouse(with the exception of a few short lived jobs on her part). I am an electrical contractor, my days typically consist of waking at 6:15 A.M. and being out the door no later than 7. An average day gets me home by 5:30-6:00 P.M., but usually one or two days a week I won't be home until 7 or possibly later. From the moment I get home my time and attention is hers, however I try to always pitch in around the house in the evenings and clean, do dishes, etc. On the weekends I spend every bit of time with her I can. With one exception being the night time on Friday or Saturday night (generally sneak off to be alone and watch some tv, read, play a game around 9:30- 10:00 up til maybe 1, 2 at the latest) . I am the type of person who values his solitude, I spend all week in the "on" position physically working, dealing with customers, dealing with contractors, phone calls, bids, billing, etc. and by the end of the week I feel worn raw, irritable, and fatigued. The time alone allows me to recharge. I don't ask her for little favors, in fact I try to get as much done as possible so as not to place much of a workload on her as she in school. But despite the fact that the only thing I ever ask of her is to have some time to myself on the weekends, she will repeatedly say "You don't spend enough time with me." Which I can't help but feel is unfair to me, I took this job to support her through school, the only spare time I DON'T spend with her is a few hours on the weekends, at night, when there isn't much to do that time of night anyways. She has made these few hours into a huge deal even threatening divorce because she says "All you care about is being alone and watching tv or playing a game" when that couldn't be more untrue. I simply know that when I reach a certain point I begin to get snappy and I don't want to treat her that way so solitude gives me some space to unwind. Did I miss the waiver that forfeited every moment of my time after marriage or am I just way off base? Anyone who has dealt with something similar, I would be glad to hear from.

P.S.- Also, despite all the time I spend working, she is always complaining about how we can't go do enough or get enough new stuff and complains about the house I work hard to have bought, and the car. It's like nothing is ever enough with her. Again, anyone who has dealt with a similar situation, did you find resolution or deal with these things in a specific manner?


She's dead weight.

You are the working professional and supporting her, so she doesn't have to work and can go to school. She has it really nice.

Since she isn't working, only going to school, she should be doing all the chores and have supper ready.

She needs to grow up.

What would stop you leaving her, finding a real woman that works? Nothing.

Since she has more time on her hands, isn't working, she should be catering to your needs after a long tough day. Dinner ready, your favorite tv show or movie playing, give you a nice body massage and talk about each others days.

If she wants more money to do things and buy more stuff, tell her to get a job!!!

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
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post #54 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 10:21 PM Thread Starter
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She refuses to get a job other than the field she wants to be in. I have told her over and over that she will have to take jobs she doesn't like to get where she wants to be, I have had to do it. She is now convinced that Colorado is "where she is supposed to be" and I have told her that I will offer absolutely no financial support if she decides to go there(we live in Oklahoma). I think the only way I can get her to see reason is to let her FAIL

Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
Thought that title might get some attention. So here's my dilemma; my wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. During the entire duration of our marriage, I have more or less been the working spouse(with the exception of a few short lived jobs on her part). I am an electrical contractor, my days typically consist of waking at 6:15 A.M. and being out the door no later than 7. An average day gets me home by 5:30-6:00 P.M., but usually one or two days a week I won't be home until 7 or possibly later. From the moment I get home my time and attention is hers, however I try to always pitch in around the house in the evenings and clean, do dishes, etc. On the weekends I spend every bit of time with her I can. With one exception being the night time on Friday or Saturday night (generally sneak off to be alone and watch some tv, read, play a game around 9:30- 10:00 up til maybe 1, 2 at the latest) . I am the type of person who values his solitude, I spend all week in the "on" position physically working, dealing with customers, dealing with contractors, phone calls, bids, billing, etc. and by the end of the week I feel worn raw, irritable, and fatigued. The time alone allows me to recharge. I don't ask her for little favors, in fact I try to get as much done as possible so as not to place much of a workload on her as she in school. But despite the fact that the only thing I ever ask of her is to have some time to myself on the weekends, she will repeatedly say "You don't spend enough time with me." Which I can't help but feel is unfair to me, I took this job to support her through school, the only spare time I DON'T spend with her is a few hours on the weekends, at night, when there isn't much to do that time of night anyways. She has made these few hours into a huge deal even threatening divorce because she says "All you care about is being alone and watching tv or playing a game" when that couldn't be more untrue. I simply know that when I reach a certain point I begin to get snappy and I don't want to treat her that way so solitude gives me some space to unwind. Did I miss the waiver that forfeited every moment of my time after marriage or am I just way off base? Anyone who has dealt with something similar, I would be glad to hear from.

P.S.- Also, despite all the time I spend working, she is always complaining about how we can't go do enough or get enough new stuff and complains about the house I work hard to have bought, and the car. It's like nothing is ever enough with her. Again, anyone who has dealt with a similar situation, did you find resolution or deal with these things in a specific manner?


She's dead weight.

You are the working professional and supporting her, so she doesn't have to work and can go to school. She has it really nice.

Since she isn't working, only going to school, she should be doing all the chores and have supper ready.

She needs to grow up.

What would stop you leaving her, finding a real woman that works? Nothing.

Since she has more time on her hands, isn't working, she should be catering to your needs after a long tough day. Dinner ready, your favorite tv show or movie playing, give you a nice body massage and talk about each others days.

If she wants more money to do things and buy more stuff, tell her to get a job!!!
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post #55 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

She can move to CO, file for divorce and force you to send her money for a while. You might as well file and figure out how much it is going to cost you to be rid of her. Doesn't seem like her staying with you is very likely at this juncture anyway.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #56 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
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Little update here:

She has decided to move to another city, has found a part time job but still expects me to pay the startup cost of moving and living. When I said I can't afford to do that she reacted negatively, "oh it's not OUR money anymore?". No, it's not. You decided to move when I said over and over it's a bad decision and I can't support it. I have been doing some research on her behavior and out of the many indicators of borderline personality disorder, she only lacks one or two of the indicators. I feel like I am fighting an impossible battle. I have begun contacting lawyers to discuss divorce. Everything is in my name. There was no prenuptial agreement. What kind of outcome am I looking at?
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post #57 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
I have been doing some research on her behavior and out of the many indicators of borderline personality disorder, she only lacks one or two of the indicators.
In that case, Pag, I suggest you read the book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For good online articles written by professionals, I recommend Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and also recommend Leaving a Partner with BPD. Two other good articles are Pain of Breaking Up and Divorcing a Narcissist.

I also suggest that you consider seeing a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with since marrying your wife. Finally, if you would like to discuss any of the red flags on my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs, it would be helpful if you would tell us which are particularly strong and which are very weak. Take care, Pag.
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post #58 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 09:39 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
Little update here:

She has decided to move to another city, has found a part time job but still expects me to pay the startup cost of moving and living. When I said I can't afford to do that she reacted negatively, "oh it's not OUR money anymore?". No, it's not. You decided to move when I said over and over it's a bad decision and I can't support it. I have been doing some research on her behavior and out of the many indicators of borderline personality disorder, she only lacks one or two of the indicators. I feel like I am fighting an impossible battle. I have begun contacting lawyers to discuss divorce. Everything is in my name. There was no prenuptial agreement. What kind of outcome am I looking at?
Is she moving closer to where her school is? How much of the bill was she expecting to foot with shared monies? She is, unfortunately entitled to half of what's saved, etc., but if she's moving out and working I don't know that she can expect you to continue to support her financially. Many full-time students end up taking out loans fro living expenses while they are in school. You would be wise to ask the lawyers about this matter.

It sounds like she obviously isn't realistic about the financials of a divorce, or life after a divorce.

And also, I would like to second @Uptown's post, just above mine. You may be in for a bumpy ride with this one.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #59 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 11:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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In that case, Pag, I suggest you read the book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For good online articles written by professionals, I recommend Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and also recommend Leaving a Partner with BPD. Two other good articles are Pain of Breaking Up and Divorcing a Narcissist.

I also suggest that you consider seeing a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with since marrying your wife. Finally, if you would like to discuss any of the red flags on my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs, it would be helpful if you would tell us which are particularly strong and which are very weak. Take care, Pag.
Regarding you post about BPD from this article:

1-Best example would be while driving. She can pass people in a reckless manner, run lights, ride people's tails. Then claim that every driver on the road other than her is the worst. Despite the fact that she is exhibiting the behavior of a reckless driver.
2-I can't remember the last time we discussed finances without her saying "you're always worried about money". When I want to have some time to myself "all you want is time to play games". If one bad thing happens in a day, the whole day is ruined apparently.
3-Cant stand my family because of their religious beliefs. Repeatedly will say "bible thumpers" when referring to them. Has no desire to be around them. Has labeled all my friends "bad influences" despite the fact that she can to to Colorado and smoke weed, and go to bars.
4-I have changed my entire lifestyle, from being a single man supporting himself with a job that paid the bills to a job that requires a huge amount of my time to support her and myself. I have given up the time I would have had to myself for time with her, and restricted it to only two nights a week to do anything I want for myself. I come home from a 10+ hour workday and I am struggling to keep up with the chores around the house, while she has had time to do all these things and expects my help.
5-All I have to do is disagree with her on a decision and suddenly I am the worst person on earth.
6-Best example from the recent past would be my misunderstanding of what burger king she was asking about. I described where one used to be, thinking she was heading there. Her response to me was "you can be so f&*(ing stupid adam" when I was just giving a description of where I thought she was headed.
7-I can never compliment her without her saying it's not true, or not showing any gratefulness in any way whatsoever for the compliment.
8-See NO. 6
9-The entire reason for our problems. I spend 50+ hours a week working, on average 30+ hours with her, and maybe 12 doing anything for myself. Will ask me to get a glass of water when it is five feet away from her. Will ask me to let the dogs in when she has been sleeping all day. Will ask me what is for dinner when I get home from a long workday, then leave me alone to cook.
10-Even now, she is unhappy because of me. Despite the fact that she decided to move to marry me. And somehow it is my fault. I have never once heard her say "I think I made a bad decision."
11-Moved away from her home
12-They were "abusive" and "let her get raped"
13-I married the person who was respectful to my friends who showed her no respect, she did dishes for them. Cleaned for me without me asking. Let me watch tv or play a game without complaint. Was always available for sex.
14-Veterinarian, Cop, Lawyer, Nurse, Entrepreneur? Who knows?! Changes every month or two.
15-Always complains to me when things are bad, Every little thing. Headache, cramps, annoying driver. Yet when I have a valid complaint no sincerity seems to be there.
16-Long term friends have very tenuous relationships.
17-Not really.
18-Will claim I said a specific thing when she is emotionally charged, claiming she has a perfect memory of what was said.
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post #60 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

Did you read what you just wrote above??
I think you need to print it out and keep it everywhere with you.

File for D, no need for separation. Do you really plan to spend the next 40 years of your life with her??

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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