Pleasing your wife? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:05 PM Thread Starter
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No, I can't do it. I'm nearing 30, if I want to have a functional family and kids in my lifetime I can't waste my time with someone so self centered and childish
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post #62 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

Pag, thanks for the detailed response to my list of 18 BPD warning signs. I agree that you are describing behaviors that match most of those red flags.

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#3-Cant stand my family because of their religious beliefs. Repeatedly will say "bible thumpers" when referring to them. Has no desire to be around them. Has labeled all my friends "bad influences" despite the fact that she can to to Colorado and smoke weed, and go to bars.
Yes, that is a good example of her trying to isolate you away from your friends and family, i.e., away from your support network. The best example of her irrational jealousy, however, is an incident you described earlier. Specifically, you told her about a sexual hookup that had occurred before you started dating her exclusively and she became very jealous of that woman -- moreover, she continues to beat you over the head with that false allegation (of "cheating") two years later.

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I don't believe in divorce, I said that vow in front of my family and God.
Pag, if your W is a BPDer as you suspect, your relationship with her is not husband/wife but, rather, parent/child. I say this because BPDers typically have the emotional development of a four year old. This is why they exhibit the issues -- e.g., the temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, weak self identity, and black-white thinking -- you describe. If this is accurate, the issue is not whether to end the so-called "marriage" but, rather, to reverse the adoption.
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post #63 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
No, I can't do it. I'm nearing 30, if I want to have a functional family and kids in my lifetime I can't waste my time with someone so self centered and childish
Exactly.

You don't want to spend the next 40 years raising your kids AND your childish WIFE.
By the time you reach 40, you will feel already consumed, unwanted and full of resentment.

And please think twice before having kids with her. By the time you'll feel trapped, it'll be too late. It's important to start the process of detachment from her.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #64 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:32 PM
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I do not understand clinical psychology like some of you do, but I don't like over use of spectrum disorders like BPD...of course, it may be completely legitimate in this case, but don't be afraid to call a selfish brat a SELFISH BRAT. Sadly, I was that selfish brat in college and was diagnosed with BPD and bi-polar disorder. I never fully embraced my diagnosis though, and that turned out to be a really good thing. In retrospect, I can't help but wonder if my doctrs were just lumping me in with all the other selfish unstable immature people(and there are alot of them)-- If I really did have these rather serious behavioral illnesses, shouldn't it have been harder to change things and get my head on straight? I didn't want to stay on the drugs the Drs gave me, and out of sheer stubbornness decided I would figure it out-- some people i trusted were honest enough with me to reveal that I was just plain selfish, and also scared, so getting healthy, getting away from bad influences, and getting counseling were my best path. I had serious growing up to do, and getting married to a very strong minded guy(senior year in college) exacerbated AND helped my issues. I probably should have waited to get married, but hindsight being 20/20... I almost hope yr wife doesn't get diagnosed as BPD, the 2 people I know who have been loud about their diagnoses just use the label as an excuse to whine about why everything should go their way and how unfair things are, and that other people need to bend bc of their illness. I suppose some Dctrs have trouble saying, "You don't have any disorder other than pride, entitlement, and old-school meanness. You are a b$#@! and unless you smarten up, nobodies going to want to be near you". Just my opinion.

My DH (we've been married 16 yrs) has serious rage issues, and his anger helped me to realize I needed him to form my own identity. Every time he had a bad day, I would whine or sulk, or give him plastic-smile-face, all the while resenting him and keeping tallies against him. Through IC (Christian counseling, Im one of those Bible-thumpers yr W doesn't prefer) I realized that alot of my demanding/ narrow-minded/ vengeful/ ungrateful/ unstable behavior was due to deep rooted insecurity from sexual abuse from my childhood that I had never dealt with. Yikes. 1st time Ive ever said that in "public". Still painful. Moving on-- Its OK to feel pain and fear, just not to take it out on everyone around you, as yr W seems to be doing. I realized I could not control everything, and that I need to be responsible for my own happiness and actions. That meant eating healthy, not staying out super late, ditching stupid unhelpful juvenile friends, and getting involved with positive people who would call me out on my crap. (For me these helpful people were church people, they hold me accountable and love the hot mess I am to this day.) Shockingly enough, doing these rather obvious things brought me to stable enough place that I could receive correction, speak kindly when frustrated, deal with lack of instant gratification, and take responsibility for my actions. It also gave me interest in doing things outside my house without my DH-- it took me a while to realize that it's GOOD to have separate interests and hobbies.

Things are still rocky in my house sometimes, changing a mindset away from self-focus is a lifelong proposition. Also, my DH is in counseling for his struggles. It is totally valid for you to go to IC to vent about yr selfish demanding hurtful W. If you don't get your frustration at her out somewhere, it'll likely end up spewing out on her. Not that she doesn't deserve it, but keeping yr own nose clean will definitely be an asset, especially if you pursue divorce and it becomes "he said-she said".

I believe your marriage can be saved, but it's gonna take HER choosing to turn around. If you are one of those Bible-thumpers, start praying-- HARD.

Also, having been on the receiving end of someone raging on you; don't take it, Pag. Tell her in a calm moment that if she drops an "F bomb" on you, you'll walk away and the conversation is over.

All the best to you, man.
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post #65 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 06:05 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by In2thewoods View Post
I do not understand clinical psychology like some of you do, but I don't like over use of spectrum disorders like BPD...of course, it may be completely legitimate in this case, but don't be afraid to call a selfish brat a SELFISH BRAT. Sadly, I was that selfish brat in college and was diagnosed with BPD and bi-polar disorder. I never fully embraced my diagnosis though, and that turned out to be a really good thing. In retrospect, I can't help but wonder if my doctrs were just lumping me in with all the other selfish unstable immature people(and there are alot of them)-- If I really did have these rather serious behavioral illnesses, shouldn't it have been harder to change things and get my head on straight? I didn't want to stay on the drugs the Drs gave me, and out of sheer stubbornness decided I would figure it out-- some people i trusted were honest enough with me to reveal that I was just plain selfish, and also scared, so getting healthy, getting away from bad influences, and getting counseling were my best path. I had serious growing up to do, and getting married to a very strong minded guy(senior year in college) exacerbated AND helped my issues. I probably should have waited to get married, but hindsight being 20/20... I almost hope yr wife doesn't get diagnosed as BPD, the 2 people I know who have been loud about their diagnoses just use the label as an excuse to whine about why everything should go their way and how unfair things are, and that other people need to bend bc of their illness. I suppose some Dctrs have trouble saying, "You don't have any disorder other than pride, entitlement, and old-school meanness. You are a b$#@! and unless you smarten up, nobodies going to want to be near you". Just my opinion.

My DH (we've been married 16 yrs) has serious rage issues, and his anger helped me to realize I needed him to form my own identity. Every time he had a bad day, I would whine or sulk, or give him plastic-smile-face, all the while resenting him and keeping tallies against him. Through IC (Christian counseling, Im one of those Bible-thumpers yr W doesn't prefer) I realized that alot of my demanding/ narrow-minded/ vengeful/ ungrateful/ unstable behavior was due to deep rooted insecurity from sexual abuse from my childhood that I had never dealt with. Yikes. 1st time Ive ever said that in "public". Still painful. Moving on-- Its OK to feel pain and fear, just not to take it out on everyone around you, as yr W seems to be doing. I realized I could not control everything, and that I need to be responsible for my own happiness and actions. That meant eating healthy, not staying out super late, ditching stupid unhelpful juvenile friends, and getting involved with positive people who would call me out on my crap. (For me these helpful people were church people, they hold me accountable and love the hot mess I am to this day.) Shockingly enough, doing these rather obvious things brought me to stable enough place that I could receive correction, speak kindly when frustrated, deal with lack of instant gratification, and take responsibility for my actions. It also gave me interest in doing things outside my house without my DH-- it took me a while to realize that it's GOOD to have separate interests and hobbies.

Things are still rocky in my house sometimes, changing a mindset away from self-focus is a lifelong proposition. Also, my DH is in counseling for his struggles. It is totally valid for you to go to IC to vent about yr selfish demanding hurtful W. If you don't get your frustration at her out somewhere, it'll likely end up spewing out on her. Not that she doesn't deserve it, but keeping yr own nose clean will definitely be an asset, especially if you pursue divorce and it becomes "he said-she said".

I believe your marriage can be saved, but it's gonna take HER choosing to turn around. If you are one of those Bible-thumpers, start praying-- HARD.

Also, having been on the receiving end of someone raging on you; don't take it, Pag. Tell her in a calm moment that if she drops an "F bomb" on you, you'll walk away and the conversation is over.

All the best to you, man.
Thank you for your candid response, I think you could help me. With the abuse you went through, I'm so sorry, and I imagine even revealing that to a stranger is scary. I think my wife has some childhood problems as well that she hasn't dealt with in a healthy manner, she was adopted, her adopted father had serious anger issues, they also separated when she was 15. She had an aborted child at 18.

In hindsight, what really made you look to change yourself? I'm afraid she still blames the world around her for every problem that arises in her life. But if you think back to when you were in such turmoil, what do you think would have helped you most even in that selfish mindset, when the anger was so present. I can't do anything more for my wife, I can only hope that she desires to change.
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