Pleasing your wife? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 08:17 PM Thread Starter
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Pleasing your wife?

Thought that title might get some attention. So here's my dilemma; my wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. During the entire duration of our marriage, I have more or less been the working spouse(with the exception of a few short lived jobs on her part). I am an electrical contractor, my days typically consist of waking at 6:15 A.M. and being out the door no later than 7. An average day gets me home by 5:30-6:00 P.M., but usually one or two days a week I won't be home until 7 or possibly later. From the moment I get home my time and attention is hers, however I try to always pitch in around the house in the evenings and clean, do dishes, etc. On the weekends I spend every bit of time with her I can. With one exception being the night time on Friday or Saturday night (generally sneak off to be alone and watch some tv, read, play a game around 9:30- 10:00 up til maybe 1, 2 at the latest) . I am the type of person who values his solitude, I spend all week in the "on" position physically working, dealing with customers, dealing with contractors, phone calls, bids, billing, etc. and by the end of the week I feel worn raw, irritable, and fatigued. The time alone allows me to recharge. I don't ask her for little favors, in fact I try to get as much done as possible so as not to place much of a workload on her as she in school. But despite the fact that the only thing I ever ask of her is to have some time to myself on the weekends, she will repeatedly say "You don't spend enough time with me." Which I can't help but feel is unfair to me, I took this job to support her through school, the only spare time I DON'T spend with her is a few hours on the weekends, at night, when there isn't much to do that time of night anyways. She has made these few hours into a huge deal even threatening divorce because she says "All you care about is being alone and watching tv or playing a game" when that couldn't be more untrue. I simply know that when I reach a certain point I begin to get snappy and I don't want to treat her that way so solitude gives me some space to unwind. Did I miss the waiver that forfeited every moment of my time after marriage or am I just way off base? Anyone who has dealt with something similar, I would be glad to hear from.

P.S.- Also, despite all the time I spend working, she is always complaining about how we can't go do enough or get enough new stuff and complains about the house I work hard to have bought, and the car. It's like nothing is ever enough with her. Again, anyone who has dealt with a similar situation, did you find resolution or deal with these things in a specific manner?
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post #2 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:16 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

She's a kid who needs to grow up


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post #3 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:17 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

How's your sex life?

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #4 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:23 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

Why hasnt she got a job?
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post #5 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:26 PM
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Cool Re: Pleasing your wife?

In addition to the questions above: Do the two of you have designated "date nights!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #6 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

Sex life is awful lately, she pushes to have kids as soon as possible but I feel we need time to develop as a couple before we take that step. She has been off of birth control so we haven't been taking any risks. And yes we do have set date nights, Friday evening we like to get dinner then get a movie to watch at home. Weekends we often spend a lot of time together running errands, or just relaxing at home. And she does have a job, however it is a new company and work is slowly increasing. She didn't have a job for a while since she was focusing on getting education taken care of
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post #7 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 10:20 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

I would suggest reading the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

In that book, the author explains the concepts of caving and rubberbanding.

Caving is the time a man (or woman) needs to feed his soul. He explains that men need alone time for hobbies or just to let go of everything in their minds through reading or watching sports or whatever. He explains it in a way that made me really understand my husband's need to cave sometimes. It doesn't refer to an actual man cave or physical space, it is a mental space. But typically the man does require some time completely alone to get to his mental cave, and that may include going to a physical cave.

Rubberbanding is part of the intimacy cycle most males experience. Men love to pursue and get the girl. Then once they have her, they get very close to her and allow themselves to be open and vulnerable through intimacy. Then after this deep intimacy, the man feels the need to pull away, ie: rubberbanding. This pulling away comes from the man's natural desire to feel his own autonomy again after feeling that deep intimacy (women sometimes do this, too). The author explains that this is normal and is not due to fear of intimacy, but rather comes from the very healthy desire to be autonomous, (even though also remain committed and monogamous). So after a time of close intimacy with a woman, which could be just one evening or maybe a long romantic vacation, the man will frequently automatically pull away for a short time afterwards and he may go to his cave. When a man can feel his autonomy again after rubberbanding, he then feels the desire to be close and intimate again, so he pursues his woman again. When he does this, he may actually come rushing back toward her. Thus the pulling away and then snapping back, ie: a rubberband.

These concepts certainly apply to a lot of women, and don't apply to all men. But as a woman who has been with men who absolutely did exactly what the book described about caving and rubberbanding, it was an excellent resource for me and I have a much better understanding of men ever since reading it.

The author also described how most women respond to caving and rubberbanding...most of us feel hurt, slighted, abandoned, and pissed. Especially rubberbanding, because it comes after close intimacy. To a woman it can feel like "how could he get so close to me and then suddenly pull back so far?" The woman will sometimes then chase the man, asking for answers, demanding a good reason for his pulling away. She may do this while he is just caving, too.

When I fully understood that doing any kind of chasing or shaming of my man while he was caving or rubberbanding, I stopped shooting myself in the foot like that. I was able to just say to myself "I get it, he wants to feel his autonomy again" and I would then relish in feeling my own autonomy again, too. I would do my own thing and not worry anymore about why he pulled away. I knew he would come snapping back to me once his rubberband had stretched out far enough, and he always did. In fact, it was excellent, because we could then play the pursuit game over and over, which is so much fun. You can't pursue someone if they are not at least a tiny distance away from you....so caving and rubberbanding are the perfect way to keep just enough distance to allow him to pursue me again.

Some men of course are not really rubberbanding and caving, they are just neglecting or ignoring their wives. If that is the case, then the book won't help and could actually hurt because it may make a man think this is ok and blame it on caving or rubberbanding. But from your first post, I assume that isn't you.

If you read the book and got the concepts down, you would also learn a lot about her in the process. And if she would read it with you, you two could learn them together and support each other more.

https://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Wome.../dp/0060574216

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!

Last edited by Faithful Wife; 01-25-2017 at 10:26 PM.
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post #8 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 10:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

Thank you Faithful Wife for your thoughtful response, I will have to look into that book for us
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post #9 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 10:54 PM
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Pleasing your wife?

Read Five Love Languages. Her main love language is Quality Time. She needs/wants your time and attention more than your money. My W is like that.

Understand this or your marriage will never work.

Google Five Love Languages. There is even a free app. Take the quiz with her. You will learn a lot.


Btw is she in school?
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post #10 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:05 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

I would have to guess that your wife is very young.

As a wife whose husband has encouraged me to work less because the need is not there financially, AND he knows how much I love to be a wife and mom, I will give you my take on this.

I love taking care of him. He doesn't help me with any of the inside housework. He handles all the outside and everything else in our life (like it sounds like you do). When he wants time to play his games (albeit rare and in small spurts) I leave him to decompress and go in another room and do what I want to do. Also, when he opts to play a dvr'd show that he knows I don't like (Moonshiners or Duck Dynasty types) I read that as he would like some alone time.

Who doesn't need some alone time???

The thought of threatening divorce over that a year into marriage is really disturbing. Wrap it up careful my friend during that lousy sex, you don't want a pregnancy at this point. Your future baby mama needs to get past being a baby before she should be a mama.

Ciao,

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post #11 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
Thought that title might get some attention. So here's my dilemma; my wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. During the entire duration of our marriage, I have more or less been the working spouse(with the exception of a few short lived jobs on her part). I am an electrical contractor, my days typically consist of waking at 6:15 A.M. and being out the door no later than 7. An average day gets me home by 5:30-6:00 P.M., but usually one or two days a week I won't be home until 7 or possibly later. From the moment I get home my time and attention is hers, however I try to always pitch in around the house in the evenings and clean, do dishes, etc. On the weekends I spend every bit of time with her I can. With one exception being the night time on Friday or Saturday night (generally sneak off to be alone and watch some tv, read, play a game around 9:30- 10:00 up til maybe 1, 2 at the latest) . I am the type of person who values his solitude, I spend all week in the "on" position physically working, dealing with customers, dealing with contractors, phone calls, bids, billing, etc. and by the end of the week I feel worn raw, irritable, and fatigued. The time alone allows me to recharge. I don't ask her for little favors, in fact I try to get as much done as possible so as not to place much of a workload on her as she in school. But despite the fact that the only thing I ever ask of her is to have some time to myself on the weekends, she will repeatedly say "You don't spend enough time with me." Which I can't help but feel is unfair to me, I took this job to support her through school, the only spare time I DON'T spend with her is a few hours on the weekends, at night, when there isn't much to do that time of night anyways. She has made these few hours into a huge deal even threatening divorce because she says "All you care about is being alone and watching tv or playing a game" when that couldn't be more untrue. I simply know that when I reach a certain point I begin to get snappy and I don't want to treat her that way so solitude gives me some space to unwind. Did I miss the waiver that forfeited every moment of my time after marriage or am I just way off base? Anyone who has dealt with something similar, I would be glad to hear from.

P.S.- Also, despite all the time I spend working, she is always complaining about how we can't go do enough or get enough new stuff and complains about the house I work hard to have bought, and the car. It's like nothing is ever enough with her. Again, anyone who has dealt with a similar situation, did you find resolution or deal with these things in a specific manner?

Why isn't she working. Maybe then you wouldn't have to work so hard and you both could have some free time. As I have read story after story on here and elsewhere, unless there are kids I do not believe this kind of imbalance in a relationship is a good thing. It almost always leads to entitlement. Her not working is preventing her from growing up and keeping her in a kind of arrested development state. IMHO. A real job would force her to grow up.

DON'T HAVE KIDS YET!

What are your ages OP?

Last edited by sokillme; 01-25-2017 at 11:12 PM.
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post #12 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:26 PM
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Cool Re: Pleasing your wife?

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Originally Posted by pag1617 View Post
Sex life is awful lately, she pushes to have kids as soon as possible but I feel we need time to develop as a couple before we take that step. She has been off of birth control so we haven't been taking any risks. And yes we do have set date nights, Friday evening we like to get dinner then get a movie to watch at home. Weekends we often spend a lot of time together running errands, or just relaxing at home. And she does have a job, however it is a new company and work is slowly increasing. She didn't have a job for a while since she was focusing on getting education taken care of
"Off" of birth control and you're not taking any risks?

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #13 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:27 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

When she does have your attention what are you two doing? Are you spending nice, quality time together with intimate conversation, connecting? Because she sounds like a whiny brat, but it also sounds like she is not really in love with you right now, despite all you're doing for her. A woman who is in love with her husband doesn't complain about the house and everything else because she is happy and so who really cares about those things?

I like the Men are from Mars book idea. Also, check this out, especially Basic Concept #4 the policy of undivided attention: A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

They say women typically need 15 hours a week of undivided attention to feel in love. Things like watching TV and cleaning the house don't count as your "attention" is not undivided. If you can get her to be in love that would solve your problem. If it turns out the problem is that she is just the type of woman for whom nothing is ever enough, then just make sure you don't have kids...

You also might check out a book called "No more Mr. Nice guy" - I've never read it (plus I'm a woman) but I've seen it recommended to men a lot when they are in a situation where their wife is walking all over them and they are giving in and she's even less happy.

I'd start with the marriagebuilders thing first though - if you're spending all your evening and most of the weekend with her as it is -- make that time really count! When she's in love with you she'll get off your back!
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post #14 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

All good ideas. We use the cave expression at my house - I needed that for many years and DS18 definitely needed a lot of that.

We saw the show men are from mars years ago and that's where we picked it up


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post #15 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:43 PM
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Re: Pleasing your wife?

Based you what you've described, I don't think you're being unreasonable in needing some time to yourself, insofar as that time is budgeted and appropriate (e.g. a few hours here and there).

Just as you've planned date night and there are expectations around that, have you considered doing the same with your free time? Could be helpful to plan that time with your spouse, so that she knows when you'll enjoy time to yourself and for how long.

Concerning your wife's complaints about not being able to do enough or buy enough new stuff (etc.), she has no reason to complain about living within your means. Consider having her read the Rachel Cruze book 'Love Your Life, Not Theirs'
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