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post #16 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

No.
The reasons are complex, and could be considered insulting but based on the original post If I heard that list presented in those words on a first date it would be the last date as well.
Your follow up adds some positive and some negative aspects.
I would also be interested in whether or not your toys are vibrators.

I think that at least some of the problem is that I have been in a Mismatched drive relationship and I would be strongly motivated to avoid a repeat. (erring against you)
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post #17 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

Sorry, I'm not a man... but if I may....

I married as a virgin at 20 to another virgin...that was all I knew for 20 years. We learned together and all was great, he was always very unselfish as was I, which of course benefited both of us. I did have plenty of orgasms.

When I returned to the dating world, it was petrifying in a way, because I felt everyone had a tremendous amount more experience, especially with different partners. The one guy I dated (who turned out to be a BIG regret) was older than me, and frankly I learned a TON from him in a short amount of time. He didn't mind at all my lack of partners or the fact that I would never fake an O. He said I was by far the best sex of his life. Who knows if that was true, he probably says that to all the girls...

I can't imagine declining to pursue a relationship with someone because of those things. Sounds like she had a lousy husband in the sack. The fact that she has toys etc shows her interest in sex and orgasms. It's almost a perk that she doesn't have much sexual "baggage". Totally just my opinion.

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post #18 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

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Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
No.
The reasons are complex, and could be considered insulting but based on the original post If I heard that list presented in those words on a first date it would be the last date as well.
Your follow up adds some positive and some negative aspects.
I would also be interested in whether or not your toys are vibrators.

I think that at least some of the problem is that I have been in a Mismatched drive relationship and I would be strongly motivated to avoid a repeat. (erring against you)
Would you mind elaborating? I'd like to know especially what you consider the negatives and why.

And yes, the toys are vibrators. I use them probably about every 2-3 days. If I lived alone, it might be more often but I'm not comfortable using them when the family is home. It's an old house with VERY thin walls 😉

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #19 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

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Sorry, I'm not a man... but if I may....

I married as a virgin at 20 to another virgin...that was all I knew for 20 years. We learned together and all was great, he was always very unselfish as was I, which of course benefited both of us. I did have plenty of orgasms.

When I returned to the dating world, it was petrifying in a way, because I felt everyone had a tremendous amount more experience, especially with different partners. The one guy I dated (who turned out to be a BIG regret) was older than me, and frankly I learned a TON from him in a short amount of time. He didn't mind at all my lack of partners or the fact that I would never fake an O. He said I was by far the best sex of his life. Who knows if that was true, he probably says that to all the girls...

I can't imagine declining to pursue a relationship with someone because of those things. Sounds like she had a lousy husband in the sack. The fact that she has toys etc shows her interest in sex and orgasms. It's almost a perk that she doesn't have much sexual "baggage". Totally just my opinion.
STBX was beyond lousy. He was selfish. Forceful. Brutal. I didn't realize it until years later but I know now that at times what he did to me constituted marital rape. His focus was always completely on himself. I think I could have been a blow up doll for all he cared. Foolish me I was so in love with him outside the bedroom that I ignored all the red flags that were flying over the bed.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #20 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

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Would you mind elaborating? I'd like to know especially what you consider the negatives and why.
OK, I'll give you the specific because it could help you. Try not to think of it a a personal fault, but more of the way you presented the information turned me away.

You original post included this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hellomynameis View Post
2. Told you she'd never once achieved orgasm through PIV sex due to her husband's lack of concern about her sexual needs.
Now I know that there are plenty of women who don't orgasm with PIV sex, But what you are saying here is that it is all his fault. (and that is likely true in your case) But, it also says that you lived with this problem for 2 decades without taking a proactive ownership of your own satisfaction. You were willing to suffer in silence indefinitely, because he was selfish. There is nothing there to indicate what your Actions were to fix it. I'm rambling. You had a problem, but you didn't own it and take steps to fix it. I'm actually assuming that you tried many times to solve the problem.

Now I understand that I am not seeing the whole picture. My suggestion is that you rephrase that statement so you look more active in trying to solve the problem. for example, "I've never had an orgasm with PIV sex. No matter how much I coached him my husband, who I was faithful to, wouldn't last long enough to get me there." Focus on You. Leave the Ex out of the conversation.

That is the best advice I can offer to you going from where you are. Your most positive features are that you were sexually faithful through a difficult marriage. You continued to seek sexual satisfaction on a regular basis. And you are willing to try again.

About the vibes: Like men with porn you accustom your sexual response to the particular sensation, in this case vibrators. If you want to achieve orgasm with PIV sex you will need to retrain your response. I'd suggest working with a non vibrating toy of average size. Even that may not work. New research is saying that position of the clitoris in relation to the vaginal opening is an accurate indicator of ability to orgasm PIV. You may need to add in clitoral stimulation.

Honestly I don't want you to think I am picking on you. The same statement could affect another man in a completely different way.
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post #21 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

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Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
OK, I'll give you the specific because it could help you. Try not to think of it a a personal fault, but more of the way you presented the information turned me away.

You original post included this:


Now I know that there are plenty of women who don't orgasm with PIV sex, But what you are saying here is that it is all his fault. (and that is likely true in your case) But, it also says that you lived with this problem for 2 decades without taking a proactive ownership of your own satisfaction. You were willing to suffer in silence indefinitely, because he was selfish. There is nothing there to indicate what your Actions were to fix it. I'm rambling. You had a problem, but you didn't own it and take steps to fix it. I'm actually assuming that you tried many times to solve the problem.

Now I understand that I am not seeing the whole picture. My suggestion is that you rephrase that statement so you look more active in trying to solve the problem. for example, "I've never had an orgasm with PIV sex. No matter how much I coached him my husband, who I was faithful to, wouldn't last long enough to get me there." Focus on You. Leave the Ex out of the conversation.

That is the best advice I can offer to you going from where you are. Your most positive features are that you were sexually faithful through a difficult marriage. You continued to seek sexual satisfaction on a regular basis. And you are willing to try again.

About the vibes: Like men with porn you accustom your sexual response to the particular sensation, in this case vibrators. If you want to achieve orgasm with PIV sex you will need to retrain your response. I'd suggest working with a non vibrating toy of average size. Even that may not work. New research is saying that position of the clitoris in relation to the vaginal opening is an accurate indicator of ability to orgasm PIV. You may need to add in clitoral stimulation.

Honestly I don't want you to think I am picking on you. The same statement could affect another man in a completely different way.
Interesting.

Thing is, I was raised to believe that sex was not something that women enjoyed. It was something we did to keep our husbands happy. My experience with STBX did nothing to overcome those teachings and I didn't try to get him to change because I didn't know any better.

I didn't truly start realizing it could/should have been different until the sexless years and physical separation had already started. That's when I discovered, mostly through romance and erotic novels, that some women actually enjoy PIV. I've also learned through reading that part of our problem might have been a basic size mismatch. A woman's first time should probably not be a guy who outweighs her by 150 pounds who has a **** that lives up to the myth about shoe size and penis size (he's a size 13 in shoes and ring). Especially a huge guy who likes it rough and had also not had sex in several months. That first time had me believing everything my mother had ever told me about sex being an unpleasant chore for women and it never got better. Would he have improved had I had higher expectations of him? I don't know. His selfishness extended to all aspects of our life together so I tend to doubt anything would have changed it.

If I were with another man, I would love to have him take it as a challenge that I had never had a PIV orgasm and see if he could do it. But I get what you're saying that it might not even be possible. Not that I mind as long as the guy is providing that direct stimulation during PIV. The few times my STBX actually bothered it was pretty amazing. Unfortunately as it turned out the times he was really good to me in bed were because he was feeling guilty about having screwed someone else just hours previously.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #22 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 06:04 PM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

If I found out all this Infirmation up front I would very likely pass on dating that woman. We would be a mismatch.
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post #23 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 06:43 PM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

We'd probably be a mismatch for anything lasting, but it might be fun for temporarily. In fact, I did have one such relationship, and we both had fun (if somewhat constrained by her limited experience).

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #24 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

Sure I'd get involved with a woman like that.

Nothing to say I'd stay involved but with a different guy she could be a different woman.

I dated an Asian chick who was in an old fashioned marriage for most of her life, not too much other than plain vanilla sex.

Among other things I introduced her to facials.

She was like a blank canvas, and my penis was the brush. I suppose you can figure out what I used for paint.
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post #25 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:34 PM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

I wouldnt mind it at all because I think 'experience' is over rated.

its who im with, not so much 'what can she do'.

willing and eager. Everything else can be worked out.
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post #26 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:02 PM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

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Originally Posted by Hellomynameis View Post
Guys, would you get involved with a 40-something woman who:

1. Has never had PIV sex with anyone but her ex-husband of almost 25 years although she did engage in non PIV sexual behavior with a few guys before him
And
2. Told you she'd never once achieved orgasm through PIV sex due to her husband's lack of concern about her sexual need
And
3. Has never had sex in any position other than missionary, doggy, or spoons?
And
4. Has been in a 100% sexless marriage for the last 13 years except for frequent solo sessions with her toy collection?

Would you consider this woman to be a challenge to see if you could make her enjoy sex, or would you consider her to be too high risk of being LD?
I'm 48 and If I were single I would definitely not let those things scare me off. Being with someone I trust and respect as a person, who is good to others, who I'm proud to be with, and who I believed wanted to be with me for the same reasons is very important.

After those things then zero drive might matter but not low drive. I think a lot of LD partners wouldn't be quite as LD if everything else in the relationship were on more solid ground. Not all but many. I mean if you're in it for the long haul then wake up with someone you who makes you smile when you think about them.

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Last edited by Thundarr; 01-27-2017 at 08:06 PM.
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post #27 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 10:33 AM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

I would go for it.

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post #28 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

I would consider dating someone like that, though in reality the personal information wouldn't likely be known ahead of time. Currently I am not interested in a deep long term relationship or marriage, and to be honest I am pretty jaded about relationships.

I have never had PIV with anyone other than my xw. I'm guessing there are a fair number of newly single people out there, male and female, who are in similar positions. Or, who were in very long term marriages and whose other sexual experience was limited in scope a very long time ago. Yes, it seems a bit intimidating to get back out dating and having sex, but we aren't actually unusual.

Obviously there were major marital problems for every one of us who is divorced. I don't think you should worry too much. Also, I would not disclose too much too soon in new relationships. My plan is to just go slowly into dating, not taking it too seriously.
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post #29 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:55 PM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

Your history would be far less important to me than your present-day behavior with me. Why would I even know such details when just starting to date?
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post #30 of 58 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 03:09 PM
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Re: Sex & dating question for the guys

Neither of your options. If we're compatible to the point of being intimate, let's just see how it goes. One step at a time. I don't see a reason to draw conclusions when the evidence isn't even in. I figure adventureness and appetite also depend on the individual we're with. 🙂

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Last edited by Haiku; 01-29-2017 at 03:15 PM.
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