Why do you answer my question with a question and not an answer? You do a lot of that... Always looking to see what others are looking for, or thinking. It's a straightforward question, nothing clandestine. Just a conversation you might engage in at any men's group. Is that fair with you?
Anything of importance you can think of...
What do you think of him?
What kind of man was he?
Your relationship with him?
His relationship with your Mom?
Is he or was he like you?
Your childhood with him?
I wish my father was still alive so I could tell him I know how he must have felt. I believe we all took my father for granted. But my father was a very angry man and it was hard NOT to be afraid of him most of the time.
He was also a very very generous man. He really was. He was also highly successful! He was a millionaire. I did not realize this until after he passed away. He would and could not allow me to go into his business with him, because he knew he would not be able to control his anger with me.
He was also somewhat of a pessimist. I believe I share this trait with him. I believe he was also depressed sometimes. And he could get very angry. In addition, (don't ask me how I know), I believe in later years, my father suffered in a sexless marriage.
What does your mom think of him?
Both my parents have passed away. My parent's relationship could have been more loving. But they really were very good at whatever they put their minds to. They could have done much better raising kids. But everything else they were amazing at.
Although my father always lavished us with money, he did discourage me with anything I tried to do. I wish I could say I am exaggerating, but I am not. My father had no faith in me at all. I guess I can't blame him. I did terrible in grade school. I have no doubt a large part of this is because you can't learn when you are afraid. And my father did not have the patience to teach me things like math.
My father and mother were very high achievers. I look back and I really can't believe it. But they were total opposites when it came to disposition. My father went too far to the pessimist side, and my mother went to far to the optimist side.
My mother took my father for granted. I am not sure how much she really love him. However, I am sure my father was madly in love with my mother, but did not know how to show it, because my mother did not know how to show him love.
I only wish I had my father's successes and brains for business.
I was thinking the other day how my father would do small things as a kid to sabotage my small successes growing up. I won't get into details. But I did bring up an example to my new therapist last week and he just stared at me as if he couldn't believe it.