An awakening... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:29 PM Thread Starter
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An awakening...

Seems my girlfriend has more up her sleeves than I once predicted, as it seems new expectations are being laid, she was never content being my fkbuddy, that much is clear now. She wanted more, always have, and remains confident in gaining my confidence - for reasons I still do not understand. Turns out she's not exactly half-wrong that she can loosen me up abit at least. Recently I've begun to soften up, which has come as abit of shock recently, leading to a rather perverse attempt to push her away. In an attempt to reduce her back to friend-with-benefits status before it gets any worse, I suggested an the choice of an open relationship due to the fact that our future remains questionable (mismatch of life goals)... she refused, but despite giving her a choice she was rather not amused. I told her that I won't make that offer again, because once I start to expect her loyalty... well, you know... and she decided very quickly that she wants me to stay loyal and promises her loyalty in return. Reason? Emotions, feelings... weak reasons really, but raw. Yet in our discussion I found myself making a decision that has opened some gates.

In deciding to give her a chance to earn my trust, the thought of her being with someone else actually stings, when it used to be "pffft! like I give a ****", which means this may be the start of perhaps another emotional awakening. Yet all I seem to feel now is weakness, opening myself up to the potential of betrayal. I'm no longer used to what made a "traditional" relationship, emotions were just an annoyance that jeopardised all my past FWB relationships (friends-with-benefits). I found myself mad at her for no real reason, I started feeling jealousy at the thought of her with someone else, the very thing I suggested has become a fear. I have so far processed the sudden shockwave of emotions, and now I'm more centered.

Still, this has made me become aware that it's like I'm opening my eyes again for the first time for many years after divorce, and it maybe overwhelming. I'm still pretty cold, all of this remains a curiousity more than a romantic relationship. She knows exactly where she stands, but I'm starting to crack, and isn't pretty. Normally at this point, I would go... "Whao, I am really fked up, I should spare her the misery I'm about to put her through and break up", but we already had that discussion, and I have decided to respect her ability to make her own decisions. So no choice, I need to adapt to my situation.

I need to learn to love again. How funny would it be if she decides to give up on me now! Ha! Would teach me a lesson at least, sometimes I really need a kick in the ass. Anyway... I have seriously no fking idea what to do. Next steps gentlemen?
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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: An awakening...

I agree. Emotions and feeling are weak reasons to continue a relationship.
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: An awakening...

Really? You too? Whao thought I was the only one! So what should I do?
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:35 PM
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Re: An awakening...

This is 50 shades of waking up. Welcome to the abyss gentlemen, leave your coats and your sanity at the door cause here come the feels!

Seriously though, just roll with it. She's a grown woman, who seems to be attracted to your dark side. Cards on the table, expectations carefully maneuvered, and let the awakening happen.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:50 PM
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Re: An awakening...

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
Seems my girlfriend has more up her sleeves than I once predicted, as it seems new expectations are being laid, she was never content being my fkbuddy, that much is clear now. She wanted more, always have, and remains confident in gaining my confidence - for reasons I still do not understand. Turns out she's not exactly half-wrong that she can loosen me up abit at least. Recently I've begun to soften up, which has come as abit of shock recently, leading to a rather perverse attempt to push her away. In an attempt to reduce her back to friend-with-benefits status before it gets any worse, I suggested an the choice of an open relationship due to the fact that our future remains questionable (mismatch of life goals)... she refused, but despite giving her a choice she was rather not amused. I told her that I won't make that offer again, because once I start to expect her loyalty... well, you know... and she decided very quickly that she wants me to stay loyal and promises her loyalty in return. Reason? Emotions, feelings... weak reasons really, but raw. Yet in our discussion I found myself making a decision that has opened some gates.

In deciding to give her a chance to earn my trust, the thought of her being with someone else actually stings, when it used to be "pffft! like I give a ****", which means this may be the start of perhaps another emotional awakening. Yet all I seem to feel now is weakness, opening myself up to the potential of betrayal. I'm no longer used to what made a "traditional" relationship, emotions were just an annoyance that jeopardised all my past FWB relationships (friends-with-benefits). I found myself mad at her for no real reason, I started feeling jealousy at the thought of her with someone else, the very thing I suggested has become a fear. I have so far processed the sudden shockwave of emotions, and now I'm more centered.

Still, this has made me become aware that it's like I'm opening my eyes again for the first time for many years after divorce, and it maybe overwhelming. I'm still pretty cold, all of this remains a curiousity more than a romantic relationship. She knows exactly where she stands, but I'm starting to crack, and isn't pretty. Normally at this point, I would go... "Whao, I am really fked up, I should spare her the misery I'm about to put her through and break up", but we already had that discussion, and I have decided to respect her ability to make her own decisions. So no choice, I need to adapt to my situation.

I need to learn to love again. How funny would it be if she decides to give up on me now! Ha! Would teach me a lesson at least, sometimes I really need a kick in the ass. Anyway... I have seriously no fking idea what to do. Next steps gentlemen?
Being afraid of your own emotions. No wonder you feel weak, that would be the definition of weak. You don't want to commit because you got burned. Then you didn't learn the lesson. The lesson is you can get burned and still survive, not you can get burned again. It's that you can overcome. The other lesson is don't give this woman or anyone, or anything so much of yourself that you can't survive without it. That doesn't mean you don't give enough for it to count. It's the difference between putting all your chips in the pile or saving one chip for cab fair home.

Last edited by sokillme; 02-02-2017 at 12:13 AM.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 12:06 AM
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Re: An awakening...

How badly mis-matched are your life goals?
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 08:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: An awakening...

She wants a family and I've already made up my mind I will not have anymore children not to mention that I am making a sharp career change marking a drastic decline in my income. In other words, we're deliberately blinding ourselves to our future by enjoying the intensity of the present. Well, she was at first, but now it seems I am too.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 01:27 PM
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Re: An awakening...

No idea. I'm 4 years single this month and I'm still nowhere near being able to feel anything for anyone. I have a lover (that's what she calls us instead of FWB), and I like her a lot, and we have passionate, intense sex, but I don't have feelings for her beyond that.

I have avoided the space you're in right now. I don't know if I'll ever "learn" to love again. Kinda sad really.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 02:47 PM
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Re: An awakening...

All I can say is that once you get burned, it's far more easy to deal with the second time than the first.
I dated a woman for nearly two years after my divorce, fell madly in love with her, and had to break it off (she didn't cheat, just turned out to be different than I thought) recently.

It's still super painful. But it's not the same hopelessness and free fall into hell as I felt the first time.

Take heart, friend. Enjoy life for what it is and not what you wish it was. Don't let go of some happy times out of fear of what might happen. And even the most perfect looking eggs can still wind up being rotten. If the egg tastes good, keep gnawing on it.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: An awakening...

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post

I need to learn to love again. How funny would it be if she decides to give up on me now! Ha! Would teach me a lesson at least, sometimes I really need a kick in the ass. Anyway... I have seriously no fking idea what to do. Next steps gentlemen?
Yes and no. You do need to learn to love again, but this time you need to learn what love actually is and then learn to adjust your life to it. If you were like I was, I doubt you even knew what love was the first time around. Now you get to explore it and learn from it. Enjoy the ride and see where it takes you!

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 06:04 PM
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Re: An awakening...

Don't let the shadow of your EX rule the rest of your life!
Just because she cheated doesn't mean you can't give other women a chance to prove they love you. And even if they cheat on you ....again..., it'll simply make you stronger, immune and easier to catch the red flags.

You can't live in fear because of your EX, you can't stop yourself from loving someone else..because of your EX. I remember it wasn't easy for you but don't give her more importance than she deserves. Leave her behind already...

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:57 PM
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Re: An awakening...

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
Seems my girlfriend has more up her sleeves than I once predicted, as it seems new expectations are being laid, she was never content being my fkbuddy, that much is clear now. She wanted more, always have, and remains confident in gaining my confidence - for reasons I still do not understand. Turns out she's not exactly half-wrong that she can loosen me up abit at least. Recently I've begun to soften up, which has come as abit of shock recently, leading to a rather perverse attempt to push her away. In an attempt to reduce her back to friend-with-benefits status before it gets any worse, I suggested an the choice of an open relationship due to the fact that our future remains questionable (mismatch of life goals)... she refused, but despite giving her a choice she was rather not amused. I told her that I won't make that offer again, because once I start to expect her loyalty... well, you know... and she decided very quickly that she wants me to stay loyal and promises her loyalty in return. Reason? Emotions, feelings... weak reasons really, but raw. Yet in our discussion I found myself making a decision that has opened some gates.

In deciding to give her a chance to earn my trust, the thought of her being with someone else actually stings, when it used to be "pffft! like I give a ****", which means this may be the start of perhaps another emotional awakening. Yet all I seem to feel now is weakness, opening myself up to the potential of betrayal. I'm no longer used to what made a "traditional" relationship, emotions were just an annoyance that jeopardised all my past FWB relationships (friends-with-benefits). I found myself mad at her for no real reason, I started feeling jealousy at the thought of her with someone else, the very thing I suggested has become a fear. I have so far processed the sudden shockwave of emotions, and now I'm more centered.

Still, this has made me become aware that it's like I'm opening my eyes again for the first time for many years after divorce, and it maybe overwhelming. I'm still pretty cold, all of this remains a curiousity more than a romantic relationship. She knows exactly where she stands, but I'm starting to crack, and isn't pretty. Normally at this point, I would go... "Whao, I am really fked up, I should spare her the misery I'm about to put her through and break up", but we already had that discussion, and I have decided to respect her ability to make her own decisions. So no choice, I need to adapt to my situation.

I need to learn to love again. How funny would it be if she decides to give up on me now! Ha! Would teach me a lesson at least, sometimes I really need a kick in the ass. Anyway... I have seriously no fking idea what to do. Next steps gentlemen?

Your current girlfriend sounds like a good long term woman. I say give her a chance to prove herself.

She is not your Ex and all women aren't like your Ex.

Open up and give her a chance.

You have to tell your girlfriend that your Ex really screwed you up and you need time to heal and can't just jump into a new relationship with marriage and kids. I'm sure she'll understand if you talk to her.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 08:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: An awakening...

Ex-wife never cheated, but she had her own issues which led to our divorce. But she's not the only woman who had hurt me, my mother was the primary one during childhood.

However I just returned from vacation with cuddlebunny, met her family, siblings, cousins and their friends. Was a celebrity it seems like, she hasn't been very silent about us. I didn't know how to process that at first, as I was thinking like "OMFG what? You been telling them about us? What have you been telling them" etc, yet after a while I appreciated it as a sign of affection. Already at that point I knew cuddlebunny was a decent woman, but in the time we spent together and with her family, and putting 2 and 2 together, realised that she truly is, something more; a rarity. Honorable, incorruptible, passionate, loving, caring, loyal, sweet, considerate, respectable, polite, all in all - a very good girl.

I still remember that look when I mentioned to her family that she is a very good girl, and her sister looked at me with eyes open, nodding strongly and affirmation that she is and that I'd better take good care of her. I felt no falsehood when she expressed that, and it was one of the strongest affirmations that I have received. Her idols are her family, and after meeting them I understood why, they are all honorable people who would rather do the right thing than cheat to get ahead. They live humble and simple lives despite their credentials and educated/hardworking backgrounds, her mother who had passed away chose never to accept bribery for project approvals which led to her family continuing to live humbly compared to others of her profession.

In the end I've realised it's no longer her worth in question, it's my own. I seem to be stone-hearted, unable to feel as strongly as she does. I don't know if that means she just loves me more than I love her or that I'm just messed up in the head. I still got her flowers as a surprise on valentines day which she couldn't get over and texted all her family/friends. She is willing to make any sacrifice to be with me, she has confessed her love for me and I did not return it. However, I did sing for her this song:


I just hope I don't break her heart.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 09:31 AM
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Re: An awakening...

Dang... been waiting a long long time to hear you talk like this...I love that song !



Somehow I always held out hope for you...that deep down.. there is a great guy in there...despite all the trauma of your upbringing and bad boys ways ... maybe it's the way you speak of your daughter.. even your ex & what you loved about her, despite it falling apart in the end...

I hope this is it.. given all you have said about her.. I have to believe she sees something truly beautiful, well worth her time & effort in hanging on to you, while your walls are slowly coming down .... I do believe special people can turn a life around , redeeming us in ways we never thought possible... I look at my husband this way, in regards to seeing the best in me.. when I wasn't always so lovable..

Quote:
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
I through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
Just so happy to hear Random Dude !
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: An awakening...

Heh guess this is it SA

Our vacation was weird, like every day felt like a month, and like a year has passed. Away from all the stresses of real life, in our rawest form, we just clicked. Now when it comes to facing the world, instead of facing it ourselves independently, it's like we are facing it hand in hand. I never actually experienced this before, like we're soulmates, and I was just so blind to see it, didn't want to believe it. Now I can't deny it.
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