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post #16 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 03:36 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,745
Re: Need a Male's Perspective

Originally Posted by jesscf View Post
Hi All,

I am new to this forum. I have gotten advice from all my female friends, but I need some advice from males. A little background. My husband became friends with a female coworker about a year and a half ago when she started working with him. I found out they were texting each other when he was on a trip visiting his uncle. He assured me nothing was going on - they were just friends and had a lot in common (my husband struggles with alcoholism & her parents were alcoholics). I tried to be okay with it, but I wasn't & had a gut feeling. Then I found out they were going for walks together at lunch - he was never up front with this information, the only reason I found out was because I saw them driving back to work together in his car. Then they switched from texting each other to messaging on Instagram, then they started calling each other after work and never when I was around. He was really struggling with his alcoholism (he had quit drinking but wasn't getting any help) and depression. Then one night he came to me and told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore, but the next day told me he did. He would invite her over to our house without asking me first and her husband never came. Come to find out her husband knew nothing of what was going on & didn't approve of it either. She also said demeaning things to me like my husband felt more comfortable talking to her than me, I needed to give him more space etc. Then on New Years Eve 2015 (so a year ago) he took our teenage daughter, her and her son to lunch and didn't bother to tell me. The only reason I found out was because he used the debit card & it was way too much for just him and our daughter. This was the breaking point & I was furious. We got into a huge argument. She ended up going to our house and not leaving until 10pm when I finally told my husband to have her leave so I could come and get some stuff (I was at my parent's house). The next day me, my husband, his coworker and her husband got together. They said the communication outside of work would stop. My husband decided to go to a treatment center for his addiction and depression. Fast forward to today - my husband still insists nothing ever happened between them (emotionally or physically) and he still works with her and considers her a friend. I am not okay with him still being friends with her - I've tried to be but I just can't. She ended up leaving her husband & is going through a divorce. She is always hanging out at his desk, they work the same schedule (7:30-4:30) but some days my husband has to work til 5:30 and it never fails that when he does she also stays til 5:30. On Thursdays the other salesman my husband works with is off so she logs into his computer that is right next to my husband & works from there, even though she has been asked to not use that computer. I am to the point where I want to tell my husband he needs to break off any type of friendship with her and not talk to her about anything other than work, not sit with her in the break room at lunch & tell her to not be at his coworkers computer when he isn't there. Am I being unreasonable?

Guess how many female friends I have outside of work? NONE.

I do not meet women and hang after work.

I do not email or text ladies either, unless its picking up someone on the way to work.

Mrs.CuddleBug is the same I would guess. I have never checked her messages, texts, were she surfs, etc.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
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post #17 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:25 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 232
Re: Need a Male's Perspective

jesscf -

At best, it's an inappropriate relationship. You are absolutely right to want it ended, her having her marriage end is extremely troublesome.

IMO, he should be looking for another position within the company to stop daily contact while looking for another job at a different company to distance himself from this person.

Sorry you're going through this.
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post #18 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 02:21 AM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

I know everyone is suggesting ultimatums and divorce but I think this situation is a symptom of problems in your marriage. Yes, he was wrong for stepping out and reacting to his marriage in this way. However, ultimatums in my opinion, just cause the recipient to be resentful or find clever ways to continue doing what they were doing before. Have many frank conversations about your marriage. Both of you should talk honestly about the things that are bothering you even if it is difficult. You both should be ready to hear what is being said and own your faults and your roles in this breakdown. You also should work on ways to resolve these issues together.

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