Need a Male's Perspective - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Need a Male's Perspective

Hi All,

I am new to this forum. I have gotten advice from all my female friends, but I need some advice from males. A little background. My husband became friends with a female coworker about a year and a half ago when she started working with him. I found out they were texting each other when he was on a trip visiting his uncle. He assured me nothing was going on - they were just friends and had a lot in common (my husband struggles with alcoholism & her parents were alcoholics). I tried to be okay with it, but I wasn't & had a gut feeling. Then I found out they were going for walks together at lunch - he was never up front with this information, the only reason I found out was because I saw them driving back to work together in his car. Then they switched from texting each other to messaging on Instagram, then they started calling each other after work and never when I was around. He was really struggling with his alcoholism (he had quit drinking but wasn't getting any help) and depression. Then one night he came to me and told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore, but the next day told me he did. He would invite her over to our house without asking me first and her husband never came. Come to find out her husband knew nothing of what was going on & didn't approve of it either. She also said demeaning things to me like my husband felt more comfortable talking to her than me, I needed to give him more space etc. Then on New Years Eve 2015 (so a year ago) he took our teenage daughter, her and her son to lunch and didn't bother to tell me. The only reason I found out was because he used the debit card & it was way too much for just him and our daughter. This was the breaking point & I was furious. We got into a huge argument. She ended up going to our house and not leaving until 10pm when I finally told my husband to have her leave so I could come and get some stuff (I was at my parent's house). The next day me, my husband, his coworker and her husband got together. They said the communication outside of work would stop. My husband decided to go to a treatment center for his addiction and depression. Fast forward to today - my husband still insists nothing ever happened between them (emotionally or physically) and he still works with her and considers her a friend. I am not okay with him still being friends with her - I've tried to be but I just can't. She ended up leaving her husband & is going through a divorce. She is always hanging out at his desk, they work the same schedule (7:30-4:30) but some days my husband has to work til 5:30 and it never fails that when he does she also stays til 5:30. On Thursdays the other salesman my husband works with is off so she logs into his computer that is right next to my husband & works from there, even though she has been asked to not use that computer. I am to the point where I want to tell my husband he needs to break off any type of friendship with her and not talk to her about anything other than work, not sit with her in the break room at lunch & tell her to not be at his coworkers computer when he isn't there. Am I being unreasonable?
Thanks!
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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

No I dont believe you are being unreasonable.

Work "spouses" can be dangerous. Some people joke about them. Think people are just paranoid and insecure. But I think its playing with fire.

And it sounds like emotionally your husband is too invested in this woman.

"Masturbate with just a slick hand and thoughts of your wife." --Intheory
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

I'm not a man but honey this got red flags all over it. If an affair hasn't happened yet (I'm betting it has) then it damn well may n the future. This is HIGHLY innapropriate behaviour from your husband. I had a very similar situation a few years ago when me and H were headed toward a divorce. I put my foot down, said me or her. He chose me and left his old job and broke ALL contact. I also may have warned her of bad things to come if she were to ever contact him again once that whole sitch was removed I forced my husband to have the uncomfortable conversations we needed to have and through action showed him I will not be the same woman I was that was adding to our problems. 2 months later and my husband came to me, apologized for what had happened (all on his own randomly) and said the fighting and savagery we had with each other made him defensive about everything and he had felt our marriage was over. Though still swears nothing happened and I believe him. He told me by not reacting to his bull**** and remaining calm even when he was being a piece of crap, that he was able to see how ridiculous he was being. He told me.if the sitch was reversed he would have felt the same way I did.

You H is not putting you or your marriage ahead of his own selfish desires. You need to end this crap and you both need to fall in love with each other again. Take it from me. He is doing wrong, but something is causing the disconnect between you too. If you both love each other, it's time to put your cards on the table and openly accept your own wrong doings as well. Two people madly in love don't just fall out of live suddenly with no reason. Needs aren't being met, and it will only get worse from here if you aren't proactive with it.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

Jess,

You are not being unreasonable. As a matter of fact, you are being too reasonable. So lets see if I understand it.
(1) these two were sneaking off from work at lunch and other times
(2) your husband was seeing her, even with your cvhildren, without telling you and inviting her to your home
(3) you catch them and object and tell her husband
(4) the four of you meet and says this behavior has to stop

And now your husband wants to maintain this very close "friendship". So here are my questions
(1) Have you told her husband what she is doing at work to get close to your husband???
(2) Have you told your husband that this affair of his was going to stop or he will be looking for a new wife.???

He has been in an emotional affair and refuses to stop. If you read the literature, men enter affairs for SEX , and very rarely refuse to stop the crap once they believe the sex is never going to happen again. He and you need to read a book called "Not Just Friends", and you will get firsthand information on how the workplace is now the primary incubator of affairs. And they are harder to stop.

My suggestion is to tell your husband that he is free to do whatever he wants but just not while married to you, and that he is going to take a polygraph test to prove they have not had sex, and that he is not hiding out of work communication from you.

That will wake him up and his reaction will tell you a lot. My guess is he will resemble Casper The Ghost. If that is what occurs, you need to press him more. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

So there you have one mans perspective. Not sure what your female friends are telling you. If anyone is telling you that you are unreasonable, I'd question their IQ
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:07 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

No this isn't ok. Frankly I don't know why you haven't stepped in and issue your H an ultimatum that he either stops seeing her or you walk. I wouldn't be surprised if any affair has already been taking place. The OW already got a divorce, you should definitely be thinking the same.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

Emotional affairs are very sneaky because they can build up gradually, with no single line ever being crossed.

There are lots of reasons that they can get started. It can be a desire for appreciation, a desire for novelty, an escape from problems at home, or some people just have the sort of personality that tends that way.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

Thank you all for your advice. No one is telling me I'm being unreasonable, that is just the reaction I am betting I will get from my husband. In the past when I would tell him I wasn't comfortable with the relationship he would tell me he's almost 40 years old and he can be friends with anyone he wants & just because it's a female I shouldn't have any problems with it. Looking back I was WAY to easy on the whole stupid situation. I was scared, I didn't want to lose my husband. I wouldn't stand up for myself, I hated confrontation. Now I see how I should have handled it differently then. Our marriage was in a HORRIBLE state a year ago. We have started slowly rebuilding, but I have come to the conclusion that if he can't cut her out of his life completely then I can't rebuild anything with him. The other night he did ask me if I wanted him to find another job. This really isn't an option as his trade is pretty specialized and he makes good money and probably couldn't find the same job anywhere else.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:30 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

It's a full affair. He knows it. You know it.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

Not a male here, but I'm going to post my opinion.

Sure, he can have any "friend" that he wants to have. But YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TOLERATE IT. I would demand that he get another job somewhere else and demand no contact with her.

Reconnect with the OW's husband again and ask him for information relating to this affair. I think you need to be prepared for this being a physical affair.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

They are already in an EA. Consult with her H, share notes. Place a VAR in both their cars.

If you do not suspect it has went to PA yet, you and her H should have a sit down with them.

Then a sit down with you and your H. He is YOUR H.... not hers. Have him make a choice....

you or her (or anyone else for that matter). If he can't decide, decide for him.

Go and file for D. Trust me.... you'll get a reaction then.......

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:09 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

This behavior definitely needs to stop
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

He is Full of it. So is his AP.

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

Flashing great red flags. This must be discouraged at all costs. I'd be interested in the final word in his "friend's" marriage, you might want to contact her STBX. Did they split because she is falling for him or already has?

He needs to go NC immediately
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

I had a woman at work actively pursuing me. She would work late when I worked late. She would sit next to me when we were reviewing some paperwork and put her hand on my thigh. She flirted shamelessly and basically would joke about things that let me know she would like to have sex with me. I could not get rid of her since she was a political appointee and the cousin of the City's Football team championship Quarterback.

The only way to end this problem was to find another job, which I did. I learned much later that she did the same thing to my replacement and then when he broke up with her, she sued for sexual discrimination and won. Workplace romances are common. The people involved with ALWAYS say that nothing is going on. They are not going to tell the truth and ruin what they have and risk divorce. I do not see this ending well. Sometimes people get addicted to other lovers and as one Psychologist recommended, sometimes you just have to move far away because they will still keep seeing each other even if their spouses know.

My last two bosses had affairs with an employee when both were married. I was in IT so I read their hot email exchanges. I sent them a note reminding them that email was not private. I got job security but it still was disturbing. Many people spend more time with work wives than they do with their real wive. It is a common problem that has to be nipped in the bud. Especially in your case where your husband has problems. I have been battling depression for a few decades and I sought and got treatment for it. It never was a reason for me to have sex with other women. You have a big problem on your hands and am surprised that you have not already given your husband an ultimatum. The way I look at it, whether he cheats of not is immaterial if what he does makes you feel like he is cheating. The effect on you is the same either way. Tell him to get another job or you will divorce him. He will probably leave you for the other woman now that she is divorced but it will not last between them. It is one thing to have a romance with someone and quite another to live with them 24/7 and have to deal with all the non fun stuff that goes into a relationship. This should have been nipped in the bud much sooner than allowed to get this far. Good luck but I do not see a happy ending.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: Need a Male's Perspective

Your husband is clearly NOT remorseful.

You may as well file divorce papers because without true remorse from him and complete no contact with the other woman (read: he needs to change jobs), then you'll always feel like you're living in a sham marriage.

He is rug sweeping what he knows to have been an inappropriate EA at the very least.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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