Online dating - I do not understand it - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 07:10 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by Almost-Done View Post
I am about 45 mins from the city in a ruralish type of area. I am considering moving back to the city to be around people my age. However, I'd lose about half what I paid for my pad. I was trying to avoid that. I had some friends, but since their spouses or GFs were friends with my ex-wife, I lost them in the divorce. The meetup groups are lame around here as well. I have to drive an hour a way for a decent meetup group and they all look at me like I'm weird for driving that far out. Plus, I feel many see my location in my state and don't want to travel that far, thus, do not give me a chance. Mostly stay to myself these days. Seems I've turned back into a loner after my divorce. I am quite happy and positive, but sometimes I miss being able to do things with people. Yea, I know, it's a bit pathetic. It's true, most cannot have it all in life. And no, I am not shy at all. If you'd meet me in person, I can hold up a conversation fine and have no problem interacting with others.
So maybe you're putting the cart before the horse. I'm getting the impression that you would be just as interested in having guy friends as dating a bunch of women. Maybe try to get at least 1-2 guy friends who you can do something with on a regular basis, and then maybe they'll have female friends, or friends of friends. Sports is a great way to meet friends - pickup basketball at a gym, anything along those lines. Just because you're 39 (did I have that right?) doesn't mean you can't develop new friends.
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post #107 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 07:25 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by Almost-Done View Post
Agreed. I am willing to start an clean slate with each new person. However, my mind does look for tell tale signs of my ex. My mind then is like ALERT - LEAVE NOW. THIS WILL NOT BE GOOD.
It's a double-edged sword. Yes, absolutely, watch for red flags and stay away from those that will bring you down. Otherwise dating is just misery. But also be careful about assumptions and what you are assigning as red flag behavior. As Faithful Wife said, there are lots of very wonderful women out there feeling more or less as you do about the difficulties of finding a good relationship. But if you don't open your heart and mind to those opportunities, you will never see them.
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post #108 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by Almost-Done View Post
Money isn't everything. However, it seems around here, one's who show it get the women. I am not a materialistic type of person. Money or possessions do not make me, my personality and attitude make me. I recall my ex-wife and ex-gf say they have more than me, I said great for them. It seemed to piss them off in terms of my reply. I want a woman to like (love - if it's even possible) for me, not my possessions. Seems like a fruitless task.
If you aren't materialistic, then those women that just go after money are likely not a good match for you. No doubt there are women out there who view marriage and relationships as a ticket to financial security, or who insist that a man be ambitious and financially successful. But are guys with money better at getting women? Perhaps, if you only count number of marriages and relationships. But likely not, if you start looking at the quality of the relationship, and the compatibility, love and respect they have with their wives.

It's easy to compare oneself with others, and only see the shiny surfaces of what they have. But dig a little deeper, and it turns out that people with money aren't actually happier, or more fulfilled, or have better friends and lovers than those who aren't rich.
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post #109 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

Yup, and 'tis why wealth gets you more pootang but doesn't help you find the keepers.
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post #110 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

Here is an interesting article.

Apparently two-thirds of male messages go to the best-looking third of women and women rate an incredible 80% of guys as worse-looking than medium. It goes on to say that it’s women, not men, who have unrealistic standards for the “average” member of the opposite sex. What a mess...

https://theblog.okcupid.com/your-loo...61e#.z3oqes7tp
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post #111 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Is it entitlement culture, or is it your not recognizing red flags early enough?

If I'm going to go look at men's profiles and end up thinking most of them acted "entitled", what that would mean would be that I more than likely overlooked glaring red flags right there in their profile.
More like I was inexperienced and just gave her the benefit of the doubt.
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post #112 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
If you continue to think this type of thing about women and blame them for being attention wh*res and don't trust women in general....then you will attract only divas and assh*les, because that is what you believe women are. Even though you may think that your beliefs are the result of what you've seen women do....the end result is the same. If you've gotten to a place of being distrustful and bitter, then that is all you will find when you look.

If on the other hand you can imagine beautiful, loving women who are not attention wh*res...women who love men and just want to be in love and happy....quality women who are overlooked, just as you are being overlooked right now...(all of this describes nearly every single woman I know, by the way)....then you might actually find a woman like that.

You would know the difference if you were in that place yourself. You can only attract from where you are at.
Never said all. All is a big term. All 3.2+ billion cannot be like this. Just stating what I've experienced as what others have told me IRL.
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post #113 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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So maybe you're putting the cart before the horse. I'm getting the impression that you would be just as interested in having guy friends as dating a bunch of women.
Not really. I run a company with 30 employees. Plenty of guys around, girls too.


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Maybe try to get at least 1-2 guy friends who you can do something with on a regular basis, and then maybe they'll have female friends, or friends of friends. Sports is a great way to meet friends - pickup basketball at a gym, anything along those lines. Just because you're 39 (did I have that right?) doesn't mean you can't develop new friends.
Have a gym at home, but I do get your point.
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post #114 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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It's a double-edged sword. Yes, absolutely, watch for red flags and stay away from those that will bring you down. Otherwise dating is just misery. But also be careful about assumptions and what you are assigning as red flag behavior. As Faithful Wife said, there are lots of very wonderful women out there feeling more or less as you do about the difficulties of finding a good relationship. But if you don't open your heart and mind to those opportunities, you will never see them.
Certainly trying. Hard to trust completely, but working on it.
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post #115 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by wild jade View Post
If you aren't materialistic, then those women that just go after money are likely not a good match for you. No doubt there are women out there who view marriage and relationships as a ticket to financial security, or who insist that a man be ambitious and financially successful. But are guys with money better at getting women? Perhaps, if you only count number of marriages and relationships. But likely not, if you start looking at the quality of the relationship, and the compatibility, love and respect they have with their wives.

It's easy to compare oneself with others, and only see the shiny surfaces of what they have. But dig a little deeper, and it turns out that people with money aren't actually happier, or more fulfilled, or have better friends and lovers than those who aren't rich.
Agreed in many ways.
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post #116 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Yup, and 'tis why wealth gets you more pootang but doesn't help you find the keepers.
Only if you display your hand. I don't roll that way. Plus too risky with all the diseases floating around these days.
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post #117 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by Decimated View Post
Here is an interesting article.

Apparently two-thirds of male messages go to the best-looking third of women and women rate an incredible 80% of guys as worse-looking than medium. It goes on to say that it’s women, not men, who have unrealistic standards for the “average” member of the opposite sex. What a mess...

https://theblog.okcupid.com/your-loo...61e#.z3oqes7tp
Yep. I am thinking about becoming a monk. It may be more satisfying. At least significantly less stressful.
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post #118 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 03:40 PM
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Hi Almost.

I had a fair amount of luck on Match.com last summer. Hopefully my perspective helps and I apologize if I repeat anything posted earlier.

First, are you targeting the right group? If, say, you are heavy, you probably won't attract many fitness buffs. Same thing if you have a kid and target a spontaneous person, and so on.

Second, how are you selling yourself? Think of it like applying for a job you want. You need to play up your strengths to interest a lady you might want to be with.

I was early 40s and was looking for someone in that range (or maybe a bit younger) who was also a parent. So, without lying, I emphasized my best traits: well-educated, reasonably successful, responsible father (kid comes first), ambitious, intelligent.

I had a decent number of women reach out to me (was surprised by that). I recall having around five conversations going (besides another IRL encounter) and that was more than I had time to pursue, so I chose a couple and hid my profile.

The point is that it still is a numbers game, but it seems if you choose your targeta and present yourself well, you should get a reasonable number of quality hits.

I cannot emphasize enough that you need to have traits the ladies want. For instance, being attractive is great but I do not hear women complaining that guys available are ugly, fat, etc. I hear them complain that guys available are stagnating, lack ambition, are irresponsible, etc.
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post #119 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post

Do not look for a serious relationship online to start. Just to meet new people and go from there. Keep your options a bit open.
That woman I dated would have made a pretty good GF. But we both got we wanted, we had fun and we chat from time to time as we respect each other. She said I ruined it for her for online dating as many guys send nude pics or very strange or expect butt-sex the first the first date for some reason.
What!? Wait a sec. That's not normal? Sheesh, the rules change and I'm always the last to know.
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post #120 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 07:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
What!? Wait a sec. That's not normal? Sheesh, the rules change and I'm always the last to know.
Guess butt sex is the norm these days after a first date.. Boy, things have certainly changed. Maybe I'll just follow what Tim Gunn did after his same sex relationship ended so many years ago. Wonder if it is possible to be happy w/o a significant other and family of one's own...
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