Online dating - I do not understand it - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

Here's an interesting quagmire. I've been chatting with the one woman who lives, maybe 10 miles away. We've been going back for about a week or so, maybe four messages. I threw it out there, hey would like like to get a drink sometime? I find it is easier to get to know each other in person. Let me know.

This was two days ago. Silence. A bit confused.
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post #122 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 12:16 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by Almost-Done View Post
Here's an interesting quagmire. I've been chatting with the one woman who lives, maybe 10 miles away. We've been going back for about a week or so, maybe four messages. I threw it out there, hey would like like to get a drink sometime? I find it is easier to get to know each other in person. Let me know.

This was two days ago. Silence. A bit confused.
Silence = her answer. Carry on.

Also, maintain a limit to how many texts you send /how many days you text before meeting. Texting relationships go nowhere.

You also need to learn to be proactive if you want to meet. You asked if you could meet her sometime. That's incredibly passive and nebulous and unless she's already got strong tingles for you the answer will always be no. You're setting yourself up for a no. Telling her you'll be at xyz bar with friends at X o'clock gives her the choice to either join you in something you're already doing or risk losing out. If she doesn't show, no big deal. You can still have a good time with friends and maybe chat with some women there.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #123 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 12:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

Usually, after 3 or 4 online messages I ask to meet somewhere for drinks. Not texting, still through the OLD service. Telling a woman I will be at so and so, drop by if you'd like to meet, not sure if that would go over well. Seems like be there, be square. After a few messages, ask to meet, then either yes or move on to the next woman.
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post #124 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 01:45 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Guess butt sex is the norm these days after a first date.. Boy, things have certainly changed. Maybe I'll just follow what Tim Gunn did after his same sex relationship ended so many years ago. Wonder if it is possible to be happy w/o a significant other and family of one's own...
If you're not getting butt-sex within the first 2 hours of a date. Then there is something wrong. Butt first, kiss later.


Kidding.

Sadly, some guys do bring up butt-sex on a first date. Rarely goes well. Unless its guy & guy.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #125 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 01:54 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

My date brought a female friend to meet with me in a public bar. I said "sure, no problem". After about 15~20 minutes, her friend left (they had also both gone to the ladies room for a bit). The date lasted about 3+ hours of drinking, dancing and talking. Ended with me being a bit drunk with my head in her lap. - facing upwards - just talking.

You should / or can say "shall we meet for coffee at Starbucks?" why? Because its not a night-time pressure deal. That is an option you should give if your schedule allows it. Meet during the day, and set up a more likely romantic time for the coming weekend in person. Its less threatening. Doesn't work for me, since I don't really drink coffee - especially at $7 a cup. One of my friends who is a player- does that.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #126 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:22 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

I agree with TaDor. Just directly ask to meet for a beverage and give a time and place to see if she is available. Her response will tell you a lot about her interest level. She'll either accept, reject (this includes not answering), or try to reschedule for a different time or location. I don't normally date women that want to change the venue, unless they have a really good reason to because I like to take on the traditional masculine role of planning out our activities the vast majority of the time. The other reason to meet for a cheap drink is you need a way to end the date quickly if it isn't going well. Order your coffee in a to go cup, and you're already half way out the door, if need be. Also, if the women misrepresent themselves and don't look like their picture, it's acceptable to just walk out on them without buying them a drink. If you truly value yourself then there is no point in rewarding someone for dishonesty with your time or money, even if it's only a cup of coffee.

If you are into sex on the first date, you'll do better with meeting up for a beer than meeting up for coffee. The reason is if you are having a good time you both might want to have a second drink and all you have to do is confidently suggest you have it back at your place.
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post #127 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

So, here's an interesting update. I switched to match and several women have contacted me to converse. Additionally, one out of the four women I was conversing with okcupid actually responded with shoot me a text and we'll figure out a time and date. I was pretty taken back, as I've been conversing with her for about three weeks. Granted, she started to respond in two or three days, I was a bit shocked that she just shot her number to me. She's 34, so there are a few years apart in age.

Apologies for asking about this, but how does this go again? Haven't dated since last decade, so I am bit unsure how to proceed. I know know not to seem over zealous or anxious so wait a day or two and then text. Not a big texter, so that should be interesting. Also, she's relatively attractive, so that is a concern as well.

Looking for some advice from others with more experience in entering the dating again.
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post #128 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Originally Posted by Almost-Done View Post
So, here's an interesting update. I switched to match and several women have contacted me to converse. Additionally, one out of the four women I was conversing with okcupid actually responded with shoot me a text and we'll figure out a time and date. I was pretty taken back, as I've been conversing with her for about three weeks. Granted, she started to respond in two or three days, I was a bit shocked that she just shot her number to me. She's 34, so there are a few years apart in age.

Apologies for asking about this, but how does this go again? Haven't dated since last decade, so I am bit unsure how to proceed. I know know not to seem over zealous or anxious so wait a day or two and then text. Not a big texter, so that should be interesting. Also, she's relatively attractive, so that is a concern as well.

Looking for some advice from others with more experience in entering the dating again.
First of all, as a woman, I find mind games childish and unpleasant. If a man waited two days to respond to my texts, then I would just figure he's not interested or otherwise engaged and move along. If I thought he was doing it as part of some head game to avoid seeming over-eager, I would just assume he's into head games and move along. It may be just fine for casual dating and hookups, and some women might be happy to play along. But I personally feel that if you have a pre-meditated "strategy" regarding when and how often to respond to messages, you're really just not relationship material for me. So, just be careful with "game" of that type.

So, if you think you're really interested in meeting this woman, text her and ask her to meet you for coffee or a drink as a first meeting. If she counters with something else, evaluate whether that other option works for you. This isn't rocket science. It's a meeting with a stranger. There's really no need to overthink it, over plan it, or be overly nervous about it. The right woman will be the right woman for you and for whatever you two decide works best for you both as far as plans go.

Why is her being 'relatively attractive' a concern?

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #129 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

overthinking can be your worst enemy.

just do what you want to do without hyperventilating.

if it's meant to be, it will happen. that attitude will also eliminate a lot of the game players.

and BTW, being single is not so bad. lots' of single happy people i know.
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post #130 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

It's not a game or strategy, per se. Being over zealous isn't a wise move either. We usually respond within 2 - 3 days with each other via online messaging. I just received her cell yesterday. Since I am traveling right now, I thought it would be best to wait til tomorrow.
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post #131 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

Usually, a woman gives a cell number because she wants a quicker reply. Just text her that you are travelling now and you'll text tomorrow to set something up. As far as the actual date goes just don't talk about your ex and you'll do fine. Let her do 80% of the talking and practice active listening. If you like her then her kiss her goodbye at the end of the date. Good luck and have fun!

Oh, and texting is for setting up a meeting time, not for having an in depth conversation. Those should happen in person.
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post #132 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 07:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Usually, a woman gives a cell number because she wants a quicker reply. Just text her that you are travelling now and you'll text tomorrow to set something up. As far as the actual date goes just don't talk about your ex and you'll do fine. Let her do 80% of the talking and practice active listening. If you like her then her kiss her goodbye at the end of the date. Good luck and have fun!

Oh, and texting is for setting up a meeting time, not for having an in depth conversation. Those should happen in person.
No doubt. Texted her, said hi and wanted to setup a meeting time/date. She acknowledged the text, but didn't reply after that. A bit dumbfounded.
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post #133 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

Don't worry about it. The worst thing you can do is come off as needy. Think about it this way...either she's interested in you and will accept your date or she isn't really interested and she won't. Her not responding to the date request is a clear indicator that she's not really interested at this time. So no worries, just let this one go (i.e. cease contact) and if she changes her mind she'll contact you. I always believed that if a woman isn't interested I'd rather know right away so I don't waste my valuable time. Too many fish in the sea to focus on the ones that aren't interested in what you're offering. If you get a chance watch some Coach Corey Wayne videos on utube. They will probably be of benefit to you.

One last question, but did you ask her out for a specific thing (drinks) at a specific location/time or was it a vague plan? I always do better by saying, hey I'm free to meet on Friday night, at 8 PM, at a local bar/restaurant/coffee shop. Would you like to join me then? This way it doesn't leave it as an open ended invitation that they can be wishy washy about. Instead I tend to get a direct yes or no, because the date is more rigidly planned.
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post #134 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 08:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

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Don't worry about it. The worst thing you can do is come off as needy. Think about it this way...either she's interested in you and will accept your date or she isn't really interested and she won't. Her not responding to the date request is a clear indicator that she's not really interested at this time. So no worries, just let this one go (i.e. cease contact) and if she changes her mind she'll contact you. I always believed that if a woman isn't interested I'd rather know right away so I don't waste my valuable time. Too many fish in the sea to focus on the ones that aren't interested in what you're offering. If you get a chance watch some Coach Corey Wayne videos on utube. They will probably be of benefit to you.

One last question, but did you ask her out for a specific thing (drinks) at a specific location/time or was it a vague plan? I always do better by saying, hey I'm free to meet on Friday night, at 8 PM, at a local bar/restaurant/coffee shop. Would you like to join me then? This way it doesn't leave it as an open ended invitation that they can be wishy washy about. Instead I tend to get a direct yes or no, because the date is more rigidly planned.
No doubt. Not needy. I sent two initial texts. The first one to say hi and how are you, she said fine and asked the same. I then said I know this great place let's meet on Saturday. No response after that. I left it there. Not going to run after her. Just do not know why she'd give her cell, then disappear. Just a bit strange.
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post #135 of 170 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: Online dating - I do not understand it

Almost-Done

I've been seeing a girl for a month now, I'm new to the dating game after a 14 year absence.
The online dating community can be good as long as you weed out the weirdo's and yes there are a few of them, but in todays busy world I've known several folks who've hooked up this way and are currently in long and happy relationships.

To be honest I wasn't much cop at dating back in the day, maybe getting with the times is an opportunity rather than not, now I'm navigating towards divorce with 2 young kids it makes the challenge harder.
But you know what, I've found it to not be as intimidating as I first thought.

One (or two) of the key aspects is self confidence and self belief, - If you know you have these things it reflects outwards and potential suitors can (and do) pick up on that, trust me they do.

If you don't feel to self confident there are things you can do to improve that.
Improve your style regime, spend 50% more time preening yourself.
Go to the barbers and change your hair style. Hey, I've grown some trendy stubble, my Ma said "the George Michael look went out in the 80s but the ladies I've dated around my age love it".
Ditto improving your threads and pulling some weights. It all gives you a little ego boost and I'm telling you friend a little goes a long way.
I agree with @jorgegene that overthinking is your enemy, try not to do it and go with the flow as much as you can, like a job interview a "date" is a chance to get to know you and visa versa.

I'm no expert here after being out the game for 14 years one thing doesn't change, - people always like to talk about themselves.
I worked as a guest relations manager for Hilton for a few years and I found a bit of patter always goes well. The girl I've been seeing suggested a meet up after about 10 days of chatting, we were getting on well via text and whatsapp so I agreed to meet - we deviated from the norm we met at a local starbucks and had a coffee and proceeded to chat more about our jobs, kids, families, likes and dislikes followed by an hours walk in the forest.

It was a great first meet and better than the usual bar or restaurant as you cant really gauge a feel for the other person, nor bale quickly if things don't go well.

I must admit I was pretty nervous, I deliver presentations on stage with a mic to 100 people on various projects I work on, but this is a different level.
But nerves soon dissipated and I settled in to the zone.

Good luck to you mate, and remember don't overthink things to much, be breezy and go with the flow

'You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.'
Bob Marley

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
Corrie ten Boom,
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