Men help me be a better wife - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:39 PM Thread Starter
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Men help me be a better wife

My husband is emotionally shut down, and is super guarded, and essentially checked out right now because he can't deal with the issues in our marriage and the stress from his job. I'm not mad, I totally get it. The stress from home is affecting his job so he is now shut down for the time being.

Yes I know the issue is... his inability to handle conflict and issues and my inability to let the issues go. And yes I have stopped trying to address issues, I have stopped fighting or arguing with him.

Right now... while he has a couple months left of residency I want to be the best wife I can be in hope to get him to emotionally wake up. To break his guard down and to get him to trust me again.

So what can I do (besides stop nagging and criticizing etc) to open him up again?
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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

Is the stress from home affecting the job or is it the stress from job affecting your marriage?

Katie, let me ask you. From all your time here at TAM what have you learned so far?

This is not sarcasm but an honest question.
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:21 PM
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Men help me be a better wife

Why not go into a holding pattern until he finishes in two months?
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:27 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

Just swallow. Real ladies don't spit 😂

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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
My husband is emotionally shut down, and is super guarded, and essentially checked out right now because he can't deal with the issues in our marriage and the stress from his job. I'm not mad, I totally get it. The stress from home is affecting his job so he is now shut down for the time being.

Yes I know the issue is... his inability to handle conflict and issues and my inability to let the issues go. And yes I have stopped trying to address issues, I have stopped fighting or arguing with him.

Right now... while he has a couple months left of residency I want to be the best wife I can be in hope to get him to emotionally wake up. To break his guard down and to get him to trust me again.

So what can I do (besides stop nagging and criticizing etc) to open him up again?
Please don't take this as a criticism but you seem very highly strung and are probably contributing to your husbands stress levels rather than reducing them.For the next two months,no complaining about ANYTHING,no passive aggressive comments,no sarcastic remarks about having to do everything just pretend you have a person who is not well and look after him to the best of your ability.When he comes home have something prepared for him even if it is just a sandwich,let him talk if he wants to about his day,if he doesn't talk don't force the issue.Make his home somewhere that he sees as a place to unwind and relax,a place of comfort rather than a mini war zone.When his residency is over if you don't start to gradually see an improvement then you can reassess the situation.
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

The time to address things is not now. Wait until he's done with his residency. Give the guy a break he's probably going through tough times right now and the last thing he probably wants to do is discuss these things with you. I think you'll just have to put up with times like this. Being a doctor is not easy and he's not going to be in the mood to discuss the relationship with you whenever you're ready.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:59 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

Show him that you appreciate him in a way that is meaningful to him. If you don't know what would be meaningful to him, start there. For some men it's sexual, for some its verbal with quality time, for some it's a kind word and some space...

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

Residencies are super stressful and will consume all your mental energy. Maybe just tell him you know the residency is taking time away from your relationship with him, but you expected that to happen and since it's for the good of your family that you support him completely he shouldn't feel guilty over it. The worst thing you can do is compete for his attention right now because it's not fair to him. Don't expect to break his guard down and get him to trust you, because he probably doesn't have that ability right now with his job duties. So just lay off and give him a break to focus on work for the next few months. I know when I've been super stressed the last thing I wanted to do is go home and deal with more stress, especially relationship stress.
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Is the stress from home affecting the job or is it the stress from job affecting your marriage?

Katie, let me ask you. From all your time here at TAM what have you learned so far?

This is not sarcasm but an honest question.

I've learned a lot. I learn a lot listening to other people's perspective and issues, as well as the whole process of me identifying a problem, putting on paper (this forum) which helps me articulate my own feelings, and the process of reading what people write to me, sometimes I agree or disagree sometimes it challenges my thinking and I come out with me learning a lot about myself, my marriage, my husband, and life in general. This forum if anything has made me a better person by learning through everyone.


I've learned a lot. And no offense but I'm not willing to list what I've learned because I don't find your question or overall attitude very nice. I'm not in the mood for you to judge me and try to make it seem like I've learned nothing or whatever the point your trying to make, which I already know isn't nice.

I'm sorry if you feel I post too much. I like this forum, I like learning about Others and myself and I like to continue growing as a person. Because I am, as we all are an imperfect person, still developing and learning.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:38 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
Please don't take this as a criticism but you seem very highly strung and are probably contributing to your husbands stress levels rather than reducing them.For the next two months,no complaining about ANYTHING,no passive aggressive comments,no sarcastic remarks about having to do everything just pretend you have a person who is not well and look after him to the best of your ability.When he comes home have something prepared for him even if it is just a sandwich,let him talk if he wants to about his day,if he doesn't talk don't force the issue.Make his home somewhere that he sees as a place to unwind and relax,a place of comfort rather than a mini war zone.When his residency is over if you don't start to gradually see an improvement then you can reassess the situation.
Good advice.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:45 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

Your desires sabotage you time and time again... how would you like us to help you find the balance within my triple-A friend?

I truly believe you know what you need to do... but you need patience to do it.
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

What happens when you try to initiate sex?
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:48 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

Thicker skin would help.

Unfortunately, any medications taken to lessen anxiety usually have "even worse", side effects. Avoid all medications. I assume you are not taking any.... that are adding to your problems, Eh?
The latest data on birth control medication is that they make a women feel better, not be depressed. TBD

Having some place to vent is good. Having some person to vent "to" is good.

Stay here and unload.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Thicker skin would help.

.


I have been told this many times. But it's just not in my cards. I was made very sensitive. My husband tells me I have a heart made of cotton candy and sugar plums.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Men help me be a better wife

Make love with him. Everyone is different, but that would make all the difference for a majority of men.

It will also calm you both down, and perhaps bring you closer together.

As a mother, I eat stress for breakfast. - Megan Conley

I don't trust words. I even question actions. But I hardly ever doubt patterns.

Last edited by BioFury; 02-15-2017 at 03:16 PM.
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