Men who shun porn. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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Originally Posted by Safflower View Post
.

Thank you, Badsanta. and thank you, all for sharing.



Yeah, besides getting a roken heart, I too realized I have to nurture his sexual needs. I dress better and sexier, started wearing some makeup, and initiate sex now. I used to just wait for him and put no effort in seducing him...due to ignorance.



Fast forward to now: This year May, he will have work training in another country, for three months straight. The children and I can't go with him. And I am worried. I am afraid he might relapse. It is too tempting when you are alone, you know...



He suggested that I post some sexy pictures on dropbox for his future use. I don't mind... I plan to wear a mask or cut out my face pic.



I also plan to ask him to use this phone monitoring /accountability app... What advice will you all give in approaching the issue?


What do you mean he relapsed? How did you find out he was watching porn? Was it because you snooped and found it on his computer? Or did you walk into it and witnessed it first hand?

I think the question is... we know you think porn is bad, but what does he think about porn? Does he think it's bad too and he's can't stop watching it, or does he think it's ok every once in a while?

His honest opinion is important, because if he doesn't think it's that bad, your going to struggle with your endeavor. If he thinks it's bad and should never be done, then you will likely succeed. This is important because if your going to ask him to use a monitoring/accountability app... this can be viewed by him as VERY controlling, or very helpful depending on what HIS honest opinion of porn is. And again, I guess how he reacts to this suggestion of the app will also tell you what his real opinion is.
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post #47 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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Does our own personal view on porn matter? I mean to say that what our opinion is about has nothing to do with our partners opinion on it. I don't like porn, therefore I don't watch it. I don't mind porn, therefore I watch it occasionally.
You can hate porn and be completely against it but your partner may not feel that way. So then you get into this... controlling, you have I agree with my opinion because my opinion is the right opinion or else.

I understand that porn can become a problem and can ruin relationships... but that's an excessive, extreme but minority of people. Most people can watch porn here and there and still have a great sex life and relationship with their spouse. I think when spouses monitor, and stalk their husbands to see if they use porn then yell and scold them like a little kid... thats a problem. Unless your spouse specifically says... please help me stop watching porn.
That's why I wouldn't have married a man who thought porn was ok.
Its a very important thing to disagree on, so its vital that you are on the same page. For both of us its a no no.
I would rather be single than be with a man who looked at porn.
I wouldn't let any man treat me that demeaning way.

The trouble comes when the porn user lies about it, which happened with a couple in a marriage that I know about. He married her under completely false pretenses, saying that he had looked a few times in his teens but knew it was wrong and hadn't look since(about 15 years later). He knew that she felt that way but lied anyway.
She then found out that he hadn't stopped looking all that time. The trust was then gone as had any respect she had for him.
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post #48 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 04:27 PM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

I agree you should be on the same page before marriage. But the reality is... people change and circumstances change. And once those hormones go away after the honeymoon phase you might act differently.

People should be on the same page when it comes to kids, porn, sex, etc. but people grow and change their minds and you have to deal with being with a partner that has a different opinion than you. Marriage is not cut and dry for sure. People change all the time.
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post #49 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 04:49 PM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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I agree you should be on the same page before marriage. But the reality is... people change and circumstances change. And once those hormones go away after the honeymoon phase you might act differently.

People should be on the same page when it comes to kids, porn, sex, etc. but people grow and change their minds and you have to deal with being with a partner that has a different opinion than you. Marriage is not cut and dry for sure. People change all the time.
The values we have wont change. We are aged 59 and 60 now, 11 years into a second marriage, we have always held the same ones as far as things like porn are concerned. In fact the more we communicate with people whose lives and marriages have been devastated by porn, and read so many reports that say how our children are being terribly so damaged by it, the more sure we are that its not something we ever want to be part of.
I was only interested in a man who had strong moral values and I got one.
He hasn't even had sex outside marriage and I love him for it. Men like him are a rare breed now.
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post #50 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 04:59 PM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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The values we have wont change. We are aged 59 and 60 now, 11 years into a second marriage, we have always held the same ones as far as things like porn are concerned. In fact the more we communicate with people whose lives and marriages have been devastated by porn, and read so many reports that say how our children are being terribly so damaged by it, the more sure we are that its not something we ever want to be part of.

I was only interested in a man who had strong moral values and I got one.

He hasn't even had sex outside marriage and I love him for it. Men like him are a rare breed now.


That's really great for you guys I'm happy you found someone who strongly agrees with your porn stance. However I don't think your marriage represents most.

My husband and I are both born again Christians and we waited till marriage to have sex also. What I know to be true... we all sin and do things we don't necessarily want to, we are human. I think there is a difference between holding someone accountable, and treating them like a child. We should respect our spouses. I would never go on my husbands computer and stalk and obsess over what internet sites he goes on. At the end of the day we are all responsible for our own sins. It's not our job to parent and police our spouses.
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post #51 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?
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post #52 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:05 PM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?


Because it's easy and convenient and always ready to go. Plus a lot of people are into weird fetishes that can't be fulfilled by their spouse.

Listen I don't think watching porn is good at all. But I get why people do it. If someone chooses to watch porn that's their prerogative. But like everything else... If done too much can cause a problem... like shopping, tanning, plastic surgery, dieting, eating.
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post #53 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 07:42 AM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?
LOL, sounds so simple.

Hint - if the words ' no, not now - you are a sex maniac, we had sex two weeks ago' have ever passed your lips - you are the problem.
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post #54 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 08:08 AM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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I cant see the difference between men who look at porn and masturbate and men who look at porn and then have sex with their wives while thinking of the women he has seen in the porn. Both are adultery of the heart.
Its looking that is just as wrong.
I told my husband about your post.. how you assume you know every man & what goes on in his mind, heart... again so black and white...he would tell you this is not true... and although this will sound strange....it's more of a "hobby" for him.. he collects the stills (probably has a collection of every playboy bunny since the 1950's) ... he doesn't sit there salivating over them, he spends far more time clicking for downloading purposes, and it's rarely , if ever, a situation where he is looking at those, then we have sex... he does this more so with some free time, when we're on our laptops near each other even.. .. (forum posting is not his thing)

When we have our intimate time.. it's always early morning.. middle of the night or late at night, after we've been cuddling a bit... I trust I am the only woman on his mind when we're at it, we've talked about this too.... I've always felt deeply connected, wrapped up in each other.

Quote:
You can have a great sex life without porn.
Having a husband who only desires to sees his wife naked is very special. It makes me feel valued and respected and loved. Makes for a great sex life as well because I respect and love him for the way he is. Its not easy for men to go against the flow, but so worth it.
It is very special for us too, we've only been with each other in this life.. I feel the same as you... even if this is hard to believe...


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post #55 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?
For the same reasons a woman would do it. And you wouldn't believe this but sometimes women and men in a relationship watch porn together. Mind blowing, I know.
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post #56 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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For the same reasons a woman would do it. And you wouldn't believe this but sometimes women and men in a relationship watch porn together. Mind blowing, I know.
Which still did not answer her question. She said she does not understand why someone who has a willing and able partner would choose to watch porn. I think that is a legitimate question. Answering "for the same reasons a woman does" is not a real answer. She asked because she doesn't get why a man would watch it when his partner is available, and wants sex. The same applies to asking why a woman would watch it when her partner is available and wants sex.

Now, whether I agree with it or not, I do understand why one would watch when being rebuffed by his or her partner. Or, even when not rebuffed, but seeming indifference. That makes sense, to me. But when partners are willing and able to have sex with each other, porn viewing makes no sense to me, either. However, it isn't for me to dictate anyone else's choice in viewing materials.

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post #57 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:15 AM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?
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Which still did not answer her question. She said she does not understand why someone who has a willing and able partner would choose to watch porn. I think that is a legitimate question. Answering "for the same reasons a woman does" is not a real answer. She asked because she doesn't get why a man would watch it when his partner is available, and wants sex. The same applies to asking why a woman would watch it when her partner is available and wants sex.

Now, whether I agree with it or not, I do understand why one would watch when being rebuffed by his or her partner. Or, even when not rebuffed, but seeming indifference. That makes sense, to me. But when partners are willing and able to have sex with each other, porn viewing makes no sense to me, either. However, it isn't for me to dictate anyone else's choice in viewing materials.

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I watch porn because it is a turn on. Watching men and women engaged in various forms of sexual play turns me on. When my partner is not around and simply thinking about our sex aint cutting it, porn facilitates my masturbation. When my partner is around, we watch porn together as a prelude to sex.

So yep, simply put people watch porn because it turns them on. They find pleasure in watching other people be pleasured, or imagining themselves at the receiving end of whatever is being played out in a scene or vice versa.
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post #58 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:15 AM
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Men who shun porn.

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Which still did not answer her question. She said she does not understand why someone who has a willing and able partner would choose to watch porn. I think that is a legitimate question. Answering "for the same reasons a woman does" is not a real answer. She asked because she doesn't get why a man would watch it when his partner is available, and wants sex. The same applies to asking why a woman would watch it when her partner is available and wants sex.

Now, whether I agree with it or not, I do understand why one would watch when being rebuffed by his or her partner. Or, even when not rebuffed, but seeming indifference. That makes sense, to me. But when partners are willing and able to have sex with each other, porn viewing makes no sense to me, either. However, it isn't for me to dictate anyone else's choice in viewing materials.

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I'll answer this question because it's not that simple and cut and dry.

If we are talking about why people watch porn when their spouse Is in the house...
Because spouses refused sex all the time. Because depending on the time, what the spouse is doing, there may be a likelihood that they can't or don't want to have sex. Masterbating and watching porn can be a great source of relief for people. It's not about connecting or having a relationship with the women in porn, it could be a simple way to relief stress.
Some men don't want to wait for... MAYBE my wife will say yes. Men know their wife's pretty well, they know if they refuses a lot and it they never refuse. If they are willing to do certain things in the bedroom or if they aren't.
Here's an example: you have a wife that refuses frequently, because she's tired from running around with her 3 kids all day. Her husband feels bad always asking for sex because he sees that she's tired , he's not an idiot. So his wife has had a bad day, she's tired and has a headache. So he chooses to watch porn and masterbate because he needs the relief sparing his wife's feelings.

Last edited by katiecrna; 02-22-2017 at 11:46 AM.
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post #59 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:18 AM
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Men who shun porn.

So if you refused sex frequently, or make your spouse feel bad about asking, or when you do have sex and it's "dutiful" sex and you don't show outwardly that you enjoy it... I understand why people watch porn and masterbate. This is not right... but it's the way it is.
Especially if you're with someone who doesn't think porn is bad.
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post #60 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: Men who shun porn.

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So if you refused sex frequently, or make your spouse feel bad about asking, or when you do have sex and it's "dutiful" sex and you don't show outwardly that you enjoy it... I understand why people watch porn and masterbate. This is not right... but it's the way it is.
Especially if you're with someone who doesn't think porn is bad.
Right. And that's pretty much what I said, too. I understand why, if getting rejected, or the other spouse is not willing, for whatever reason. What Snowflakes was asking is why would they choose to watch it when the other partner is willing and able. Your example about not wanting to bother a frazzled wife makes sense, even if I think he should give her the chance to say yes or no. I know from my own experience that I have been exhausted after taking care of our three kids all day... yet still wanted sex. Sex actually helps me relax when I have had a stressful day.

I know, each person, each couple, is different. That's why I said that even if I don't agree with it, I understand why some would feel that way and act accordingly.

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