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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 01:34 PM Thread Starter
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? For the guys - style and mature women

Ok so I'm basically wondering how men feel about things like hair and clothing styles on "mature" women (I'll define this as 40+).

My fiancé is 54. I am 46. He has mentioned a couple of times just in passing that he wishes I would try growing my hair out and dress/look a little "sexier" in public. Fashion/style has always said that after 40 most women can't pull off long hair/short skirts/sexy clothing. I know that's not true for all women over 40. But I do believe it's true for me. He says it's not that important to him but since he's brought it up more than once I have to wonder.

I personally think I look awful if I let my hair get much below my jawline. I am prematurely totally white haired and my hair tends to very fine, fly away, and brittle. If I grow it much longer than usual it starts breaking and it's thin enough already. I can't use styling products or dye my hair back to its natural blonde because I am allergic to most scented bath and body products (both skin and sinus reactions). Same thing with perfumes and cosmetics. So I'm kind of forced to go natural with my look. I don't have a lot of facial wrinkles yet but my neck is sagging and I do get bags under my eyes a lot.

As far as dressing sexy, it's something I'm not at all comfortable with at 46 and 50 pounds overweight. I like the current menswear look and if I need to wear a dress it will probably be a wrap style to hide my gut. I don't wear heels unless I have no choice. I do own some nice clothes but they haven't fit in a long time now. Dieting is hard for me due to thyroid issues my metabolism sucks. I'm actually a fairly active person what with a full time job and running a small farm alone.

It's not like he's pressuring me to change my look and considering he's bald, also overweight, and wears horrible Hawaiian shirts 7 days a week my guess is he doesn't feel the right to pressure me about it when he won't change his look either.

So guys - if the women in your life are in the 40 and up age group - how much do these things matter to you? Would you be unhappy with someone who looks like I do? Would you want me to make more of an effort? Would you make more of an effort if I did?

Oh and one more thing - his ex wife and his ex GF were and still are both highly attractive women. I'm "cute" on a good day. On a bad day I'm downright plain. I can't help but wonder sometimes if he wants me to change my look because he's not very attracted to me.

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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

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Originally Posted by 2ndHandRose View Post
Ok so I'm basically wondering how men feel about things like hair and clothing styles on "mature" women (I'll define this as 40+).

My fiancé is 54. I am 46. He has mentioned a couple of times just in passing that he wishes I would try growing my hair out and dress/look a little "sexier" in public. Fashion/style has always said that after 40 most women can't pull off long hair/short skirts/sexy clothing. I know that's not true for all women over 40. But I do believe it's true for me. He says it's not that important to him but since he's brought it up more than once I have to wonder.
This is a very good sign after yesterday when it seemed to me like he had no interest in sex.

To give him a treat, you can dress sexy for him in private. You'll see yourself as someone with 50 extra pounds, but he'll see his sweet girlfriend become an irresistible goddess. Seeing 20 year-old models wearing lingerie doesn't do a lot for me, but seeing my middle aged wife in lingerie is pretty exciting.
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

Hey OP, I'm not a guy so my opinion may not qualify but I just wanted to add that your definition of sexy may not be the same as your husband. Sexy does not have to mean short skirts or even dresses. For myself and my partner, sexy means well fitted clothes (not tight), a stylish/well put together outfit, dressing appropriately for the occasion and confidence.

For example, Hilary Farr - she's on the show Love It or List It on HGTV. My partner thinks she's amazingly sexy and has quite the crush on her (he's 27). I agree, she's sexy. Not because she dresses provocatively but because she has good fashion sense, confidence and wears clothes that suits her body type.

Similarly, I have 2 college girlfriends who I always thought were incredibly sexy. They were visibly overweight however they dressed appropriately for their size. Nothing bulging around, no exposure of cleavage, just well fitted clothes, fashion sense and confidence.
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

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This is a very good sign after yesterday when it seemed to me like he had no interest in sex.

To give him a treat, you can dress sexy for him in private. You'll see yourself as someone with 50 extra pounds, but he'll see his sweet girlfriend become an irresistible goddess. Seeing 20 year-old models wearing lingerie doesn't do a lot for me, but seeing my middle aged wife in lingerie is pretty exciting.
I don't think this is about sex. I think it is about him needing the ego boost of having an attractive woman on his arm in public. My friend who used to date him agrees with this. We have both come to the conclusion that he has a poor self image and needs things to "brag" about as a way of dealing with it. It's one of the reasons I believe he really loves me - he wants to be with me even though I'm no man's idea of attractive.
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

OP, first off stop thinking negative about yourself. Your post if full of words like plain, unattractive and such. Be confident on who you are and what you like. I think its good you want to be attractive for your partner but dont do it to the degree where you put yourself down.

No matter the size, age of a woman confidence is sexy.

Plus no offense, but i think you are putting too much stock in your appearance. Maybe spend your energy on fixing your image when he puts the Hawaiian shirts in the back of the closet and loses couple pounds himself.

Chin up.
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

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Originally Posted by 2ndHandRose View Post
I don't think this is about sex. I think it is about him needing the ego boost of having an attractive woman on his arm in public. My friend who used to date him agrees with this. We have both come to the conclusion that he has a poor self image and needs things to "brag" about as a way of dealing with it. It's one of the reasons I believe he really loves me - he wants to be with me even though I'm no man's idea of attractive.
In that case, be open minded about little things we can do to improve our appearance. However it's a two-way street. Maybe the two of you should take each other shopping.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

Ya know.... I'm 54, and my h says very nice things to me and about my appearance. I think kinda like you.... I'm short, plain, a bit overweight.... but you wouldn't know it by the things he says. Until I met him, I dressed pretty conservative, like a mom and teacher.

I think his compliments feed my ego, and I appreciate him more....so I dress cuter for him, and the cycle continues. I just kinda think he loves me, and he must be half blind! He insists that its not so.

It took me awhile to accept his compliments. I'd laugh, or snicker at first....which wasn't a nice way to accept a compliment. I had to learn. I appreciate his words, and his desire...and he really appreciates my effort.

I dress sexier now, and sometimes downright trashy (but I have fun with it). I think it's mainly due to him, but also due to I'm older and I'll do what I want.

I pretty much have at least 3 wardrobes now. A teacher one, a sexyish date night/weekend one, the mom one w/ jeans and tshirts..... (oh, 4.....a biker wardrobe, just doesn't quite fit in those other categories!)

Anyway.... ya, you can be sexy to him! And ya, I think you have to make the effort to be attractive. He loves you, he will love the effort. Find your comfort level. I really pushed my comfort levels, and have a huge variety of "sexy" clothes that I do wear now. It doesn't have to be trampy....altho trampy can be fun, especially if you go out of town.... it can be a soft sheer top, snug jeans, having your toe nails done, wearing different earrings, an ankle bracelet? Whatever works. And you'll find out what works. Get your sister or bff to go and help you pick out one outfit. They will be honest and tell you what does not work. My sister tells me "Um, no." LOL

So instead of stressing, think compromise. Think positive and have fun with it.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 08:08 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

My wife is 58 and has the same body she had at 23. Size 4, great raven black short hair. She has no qualms wearing leggings and a blouse to go shopping, or her favorite skintight cycling outfit. I'm 57, only 20 lb over, and dress reasonably well (Costco clothing &#128513

Guess what. Our marriage is hosed, and weight or looks has nothing to do with it. You can look attractive and desirable at 50lb over or you can look great and turn your partner off in so many other ways beyond looks or weight...
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

My wife and I are in our mid 50s. I still think she is very sexy - to me she hasn't aged - I just see what I've always seen. Am I blinded by love - sure, but who cares.

As others have said, confidence is very important - believe that he and others find you attractive and they will find you even more attractive.

When you are in public there are attractive stylish clothes that look good even if you don't have a perfect figure.

In private - why not dress as sexy as you are comfortable doing. Find out what he likes and play to it. He thinks you are beautiful and sexy and that is what matters. Believe me, if he sees you in sexy lingerie, he will not be thinking about your flaws but about how sexy you look.

The flip side of this is I hope he does what he can to be attractive to you - and if you haven't done so, tell him what you would like.
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

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Originally Posted by 2ndHandRose View Post
Ok so I'm basically wondering how men feel about things like hair and clothing styles on "mature" women (I'll define this as 40+).

My fiancé is 54. I am 46. He has mentioned a couple of times just in passing that he wishes I would try growing my hair out and dress/look a little "sexier" in public. Fashion/style has always said that after 40 most women can't pull off long hair/short skirts/sexy clothing. I know that's not true for all women over 40. But I do believe it's true for me. He says it's not that important to him but since he's brought it up more than once I have to wonder.

I personally think I look awful if I let my hair get much below my jawline. I am prematurely totally white haired and my hair tends to very fine, fly away, and brittle. If I grow it much longer than usual it starts breaking and it's thin enough already. I can't use styling products or dye my hair back to its natural blonde because I am allergic to most scented bath and body products (both skin and sinus reactions). Same thing with perfumes and cosmetics. So I'm kind of forced to go natural with my look. I don't have a lot of facial wrinkles yet but my neck is sagging and I do get bags under my eyes a lot.

As far as dressing sexy, it's something I'm not at all comfortable with at 46 and 50 pounds overweight. I like the current menswear look and if I need to wear a dress it will probably be a wrap style to hide my gut. I don't wear heels unless I have no choice. I do own some nice clothes but they haven't fit in a long time now. Dieting is hard for me due to thyroid issues my metabolism sucks. I'm actually a fairly active person what with a full time job and running a small farm alone.

It's not like he's pressuring me to change my look and considering he's bald, also overweight, and wears horrible Hawaiian shirts 7 days a week my guess is he doesn't feel the right to pressure me about it when he won't change his look either.

So guys - if the women in your life are in the 40 and up age group - how much do these things matter to you? Would you be unhappy with someone who looks like I do? Would you want me to make more of an effort? Would you make more of an effort if I did?

Oh and one more thing - his ex wife and his ex GF were and still are both highly attractive women. I'm "cute" on a good day. On a bad day I'm downright plain. I can't help but wonder sometimes if he wants me to change my look because he's not very attracted to me.

A good friend of mine was an overweight guy and had thyroid issues. He went to the doctor and they prescribed him iodine or something. He lost a lot of weight and had cheek bones for the first time in his life.

You can exercise and eat better. The 50 lbs will start to come off. But do this for yourself and not him. Nothing wrong with getting in great shape.

Maybe you can both exercise and eat better together? Both need to get in shape, have that in common?

At age 40+, I agree we start to slow down. But its what you do about it or nothing.

High heels and small skirts? When we were young....

Were I work, there are ladies who are in their 50's....they take care of themselves, gym after work, eat healthy and guess what, they look really good. They look as good as someone in their 20's. There are a few ladies also in their 50's who do not do the after work gym and eat better. They need to lose weight and they talk about it.

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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:31 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

You need to go shopping at one of those stores that carry clothes for bigger girls. Look around and find a style that works for you and you are comfortable in. If you care about pleasing him. Finding sexy clothes for bigger sizes is not so difficult anymore. Could be fun trying some new stuff.

Also, you might want to consul a doctor who can do a blood test and make sure you are on level with certain vitamins etc. that might affect how you nails, hair and skin looks.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 07:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

So we went into Target today and I asked him to show me what kind of thing he wanted me to wear. So he picked out a dress and I tried it on in my size and went to show it to him and he just kind of blurted out "you look pregnant." Needless to say we didn't buy it and I'm not too happy with him right now.

I do have a weird figure. I have almost no neck, wide shoulders, large breasts (40DD) and a beer belly around the middle but a small waist (still a size 8 in jeans) and heavy thighs but almost stick thin calves. Dresses just never fit me right on both top and bottom so I'm stuck in separates.

As far as the body confidence I've really never had it. I've been hearing that I was funny looking and even ugly since I was a small child. Bullied for it even. Makes it hard to have a good body image.
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 08:22 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

@2ndHandRose, you need to choose a better name. This one is awful. I am sure there is nothing 2nd hand about you. People will always have sh!t to say if you are tiny and beautiful or if you are fat. It's just the nature of the world.

Sexy comes from the confidence you feel within. Until you start feeling good about yourself, nothing outside will make you feel sexy. I know women who are 250 lbs who dresses like the queen with the attitude of one. Stop listening to people and start thinking about your self in a positive way. What are you good at?

Find things that you enjoy doing and do them. Which will in turn fill you will happiness and confidence.

Let me give you one piece of advice my grandmother give to me. When you feel like sh!t, go out and buy yourself the reddest shade of lipstick you can find. Wear it like you own it, even on the inside you feel like a fool. Keep wearing that red lipstick until you notice that change in your steps. It's amazing what a tube of red lipstick will do for a girl. Or a pair of red shoes that you can't walk in but looks really good. Wear it for yourself in the house. Little things like these can do wonders for your ego.

Your man is a fool. Give him time to get it right with some gently knock on his head. You need to make sure you are happy in this relationship and that's it not causing you distress or pain. In the grand scheme of things life is too short to spend it trying to make other people happy.
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

At 47, I prefer to see a woman dressed in a nice outfit, not too revealing and not too tight. A nice pair of pants and blouse is wonderful. No need for short skirts, high heels, or boobs hanging out.

For MANY women, that sexy look just kind of becomes sad and desparate looking after mid-40s. The same for men. Looking good does not have to mean looking sexy.

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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 09:57 PM
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Re: ? For the guys - style and mature women

Personally I think you should do whatever makes you comfortable. Nobody mentioned it, but it sounds as if he is trying to change you into some one else.

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