So far with the whole "push issues aside for the sake of having a good xmas" thing is working some serious wonders compared to if we never had our recent talks. We're disciplining ourselves in some ways, but in my case at least; putting a lot of unresolved issues in the backburner, and her, biting her tongue and shelfing her darth wifey helmet.
Does this actually work if we continue to focus and discipline ourselves in this manner? Our communication has improved as well as our empathy, understanding, sensitivity, and affection due to the commitment from our agreement. But all it really takes to screw everything up is if we start discussing an issue that we can only end up agreeing to disagree on.
My wife has a different perspective then me however when it comes to this. Where as I feel we're faking it till we make it leaving issues on the backburner, she feels we're just ridding ourselves of bad habits and growing up as a couple - and not thinking so much (which she thinks I do), instead appreciating what we have.
It sounds so romantic the way she puts it, yet I'm a cynical realist. Meh... are we doing the right thing?
well if you have a romantic wife you are blessed in a major way. If she can say that and you are the cynical you are in a very good spot. Some other people like myself have to deal with the wife which is negative all day.
Man up and start being positive and don't be obssesd with the past! Enjoy life!
So far with the whole "push issues aside for the sake of having a good xmas" thing is working some serious wonders compared to if we never had our recent talks. We're disciplining ourselves in some ways, but in my case at least; putting a lot of unresolved issues in the backburner, and her, biting her tongue and shelfing her darth wifey helmet.
Does this actually work if we continue to focus and discipline ourselves in this manner? Our communication has improved as well as our empathy, understanding, sensitivity, and affection due to the commitment from our agreement. But all it really takes to screw everything up is if we start discussing an issue that we can only end up agreeing to disagree on.
My wife has a different perspective then me however when it comes to this. Where as I feel we're faking it till we make it leaving issues on the backburner, she feels we're just ridding ourselves of bad habits and growing up as a couple - and not thinking so much (which she thinks I do), instead appreciating what we have.
It sounds so romantic the way she puts it, yet I'm a cynical realist. Meh... are we doing the right thing?
Personally, I would think of it as the type of wisdom that comes to a person over time, instead of a romantic or even cynical interpretation. Really, its more about learning when to let go of issues for the sake of unity, while improving your ability to relate in such a way that your needs are always considered, just as hers are. You can develop interpersonal skills that keep it fun, and challenging, without making her feel like she is a victim.
My wife and I have some pretty common games we play to keep it fun, but its like we're following a script that both of us enjoy. For instance, I recently bought mixed nuts for a holiday party, but set them aside and forgot where I put them. She asked me what I was looking for, then when I told her, she asked, "what is it with men and their nuts? They like to make sure that everyone knows they have 'em, but when they really need them, they can't find them." It was her way of letting me know that my mother is taking advantage of me in a certain situation, yet I'm always telling my wife that I've learned how to avoid her manipulative ways. In the same way, I tend to needle my wife when she puts off doing something that she would normally want to do. Through regular communication, we've established boundaries we use when picking on each other.
Really, its more about learning when to let go of issues for the sake of unity, while improving your ability to relate in such a way that your needs are always considered, just as hers are. You can develop interpersonal skills that keep it fun, and challenging, without making her feel like she is a victim.
Well said!
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she feels we're just ridding ourselves of bad habits and growing up as a couple - and not thinking so much (which she thinks I do),
As a man I tend to overthink things as well. I have learned that it's always a good idea to listen to what my wife tries to express to me.
To me, if she is expressing that I am overthinking a specific issue, then she is telling me that she needs me to "let it go".
Assuming that the critical points have been addressed by each of us, we have heard the others thoughts. Then no more can be accomplished by beating it to death and expecting an immediate change. It's time to put it to rest and let it unfold on it's own natural course.
Forgive me if I'm misreading what you saying, but during the time that I was pushing for change in my marriage, I was constantly trying to make sure my wife heard and understood me, I wanted confirmation and instant change. She heard me, what she needed was time to process it, accept it, let it happen on her pace (not mine), and keep life as stress free and normal as possible while things progressed.
"fake it til you make it" words my W uttered she could NEVER do after she blindsided me with the divorce word, like it is the worst thing in the entire world. Of course now looking back, she was having an affair, and probably had complete disdain for me at the time, so it does make sense why faking things any longer would be so horrible. Her choice to leave forced me to fake being strong during my separation until I actually started to get strong.
You create drama. I think it's because you don't really want to be happy with her because you hate yourself and resent her for being white and you have a lot of inner turmoil/hatred.
"fake it til you make it" words my W uttered she could NEVER do after she blindsided me with the divorce word, like it is the worst thing in the entire world. Of course now looking back, she was having an affair, and probably had complete disdain for me at the time, so it does make sense why faking things any longer would be so horrible. Her choice to leave forced me to fake being strong during my separation until I actually started to get strong.
I remember once during MC, my wife was advised to do the same. She just about went through the roof!
Problem was that she had been "faking it" for years trying to get me to wake up and change.
Her resentment had built to the breaking point, once there, too late! Only serious change can make a difference. Assuming it's not too late for that as well.
Well, the problems in particular that we've shifted to the backburner is very deep, and has no solution. Either choose each other and f--k the world or f--k each other and choose the world. We tend to swing left and right like a pendulum whenever she starts feeling she's distant from her God or when I feel distant from my people.
That's why I fear this faking it/behavioural therapy thing because I question whether it can really last to make a change. The results can be seen and my counsellor was right that we may have had "hiccups" trying this in the past, but as we grow together we learn how to get better at it. But... erm, I don't know... like you mentioned RDJ, it really hit close to home:
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Her resentment had built to the breaking point, once there, too late! Only serious change can make a difference. Assuming it's not too late for that as well.
That's what I'm afraid of, like early this year I thought we had everything squared away, we had sex 2-3x a week, I had my space, she had my commitment, control of finances, no fights, no BS. But no... silent resentment, and I had to poke her to release it.
To be honest our marriage seems no different from a f--king battlefield, we make a treaty, then ARGH! border issues! Cease-fire expires! Launch the missiles! Fire the artillery! FORWARD TO VICTORY! Then after we get bored, we go "ok fine, let's make a peace treaty", and depending on who fought better, gets the better end of the terms.
In this case, with our latest "peace treaty", the sex has risen to 7x a week, and any missed sessions I will end up owing her, so if I get sick for a week = sex 14x the following week. But I can tell she really wants the peace as well, and tired of fighting, hence she's been trying to recipocrate and reward me for my effort in keeping her happy. So yes, still faking it till we make it until "peace treaties" expire. In the end, I don't know.
The thing is, I can definitely see the wisdom in faking it till we make it, but at the same time, it almost feels that we're neglecting issues... hell I'm so confused!
To be honest our marriage seems no different from a f--king battlefield, we make a treaty, then ARGH! border issues! Cease-fire expires! Launch the missiles! Fire the artillery! FORWARD TO VICTORY! Then after we get bored, we go "ok fine, let's make a peace treaty", and depending on who fought better, gets the better end of the terms.
I'll say this “Conflict is inevitable, combat is optional.”
Thats... very true actually, reminds me that our last few decisions were made in a very calm and controlled environment, and we've been better due to it.
Guess this is one thing that we definitely have to keep up in terms of faking it/behavioural therapy.
Fake it till you make it/ Backburning 
Then after we get bored, we go "ok fine, let's make a peace treaty", and depending on who fought better, gets the better end of the terms.
