Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act? - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 06:34 AM
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Cool Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
I forgot to add this, lovelygirl.

Remember how I said that I had sex with my wife a few hours after meeting her, about 6 years ago? And that to this day, thinking about that first kiss still gives both of us a goosebumps.
For the next few days after that first night - I was falling in love with her. I wasn't constantly thinking about sex with her - yet we both did some sexting. There was a lot more than just that. So during those days, I wasn't putting tons of thought into WHAT we did in the bedroom that first night. I was interested in her as a whole person. It took a while for her to believe that too or for me to admit it to myself. So yeah, we got married a few months after we met - which is against my own rules.

One of the problems with the "waiting game to prove you want me more than just sex" - is that you also put pressure on the guy - that YOU have a plan to get married, kids, etc. An agenda. Not attractive. Starting out casual with openness to go further - is less pressure on the both of you. When you keep a guy at bay for a few months, you're not seeing the true him for quite a while. He'll be at his "best behavior" for all those dates... then after finally having sex... is when it goes nowhere, and you wasted more of your time than his.

Having this "I think I love him. But will wait for 8 dates before he gets a breast feel, and 16+ dates before intercourse to prove he loves me." rarely actually works. I mean, yeah - it works if best with teenagers or people in near their 70s. But you're neither.
Speak for yourself regarding us octogenarians!

If Ol' Arb is still quite capable or reading the lady's signals right, and provided that they are remotely anywhere to be found on the quasi-receptive side, then this old fart would go for her like a blitzing linebacker!

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post #92 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 06:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
Nature made us different. Men express love by wanting to have sex with you. Women give sex when they feel there is love from another person.
Not sure if that's true. Most men want to have sex with mos of the girls that come their way. Sex for men is a natural release but it doesn't necessarily mean "love". When a man enters the club wanting to hookup, I don't see that as a expression of love.

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But I feel that you are imposing rules against yourself... You are HD, but you keep guys at a distance until you think they want more than just sex from you.
Exactly, and it has kind of made me nervous, irritating and has put me into a bad mood for the past 5 months.
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When you make a GUY work that much to get to 3rd or home base - that is too much work. It's been over two years since you LAST had sex. But you want sex. So you are hurting yourself.
If I was a guy and knew its been 2+ years - I'd be cautious. Like any skills, doing things help you get better. Having limited sex with others may hurt your quality and quantity. A guy's brain "What if I love this woman, but she only allows me to MAKE love to her once every 2-6 months? What if she'll only be sexual for the first few months or unless we get married - then its downhill from there?" It happens.
But if the guy is really interested in me, why doesn't he respect my choice of restraining from sex for the first few weeks of our dating? Why should I hurry to give him sex for fear of losing him? Sex should not be the only thing to keep a guy around, even if sex is important ....but it's not everything.

Even in her book, Sherry Argov "Why men love beetches" states that "The principle of attraction is not to hurry to have sex with the guy..., let him wonder, make him wait, give hims signs of attraction but don't jump to bed right away. If he's really interested in you, he'll wait until you're ready. If you're an easy prey, then you won't be a mental challenge for him and he'll lose interest in you.."

How do you find that quote?

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #93 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 06:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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Originally Posted by Juice View Post
You can't meet a guy at the gym?

I agree with TaDor. 3-5 dates...after that sex.
Read the end of this post here to answer your question.

Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

5 dates is way to soon for me. Sorry.

Also, you've got PM.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.

Last edited by lovelygirl; 03-26-2017 at 06:55 PM.
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post #94 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 06:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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You'd be surprised... Players make cheaters out of many married women. Many women like a man who is handsome and skilled enough to get another woman but stays with them.
Sure, a woman wants a man that every girl wants but this man stays with his woman. This goes the same for men and their wife. It's the law of attraction, but Diana was implying something else.
Dating a man who is used to sleep around most of the time, is not very attractive (at least to me and women like me.) Would you want someone who gets laid right away..as soon as you turn your back?

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #95 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 07:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
One of the problems with the "waiting game to prove you want me more than just sex" - is that you also put pressure on the guy - that YOU have a plan to get married, kids, etc. An agenda. Not attractive. Starting out casual with openness to go further - is less pressure on the both of you. When you keep a guy at bay for a few months, you're not seeing the true him for quite a while. He'll be at his "best behavior" for all those dates... then after finally having sex... is when it goes nowhere, and you wasted more of your time than his.
I understand your viewpoint that guys don't like agenda as it feels like a trap for them, but my reasons of waiting are not related to a possible future/marriage/kids with him.
If you ask me, I'm mostly disinterested in marriage/kids.

My reasons for waiting is that I want to enjoy sex with him just as much as he does but I simply don't want to be considered as a sex toy that he sleeps with once in a while. That's it.

If the relationship lasts or not, that is to be seen after we have been hanging out/sleeping for a good while. (at least a year or two). Then, we MIGHT consider taking further steps like getting real serious.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #96 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:08 AM
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
Not sure if that's true. Most men want to have sex with mos of the girls that come their way. Sex for men is a natural release but it doesn't necessarily mean "love". When a man enters the club wanting to hookup, I don't see that as a expression of love.


Exactly, and it has kind of made me nervous, irritating and has put me into a bad mood for the past 5 months.

But if the guy is really interested in me, why doesn't he respect my choice of restraining from sex for the first few weeks of our dating? Why should I hurry to give him sex for fear of losing him? Sex should not be the only thing to keep a guy around, even if sex is important ....but it's not everything.

Even in her book, Sherry Argov "Why men love beetches" states that "The principle of attraction is not to hurry to have sex with the guy..., let him wonder, make him wait, give hims signs of attraction but don't jump to bed right away. If he's really interested in you, he'll wait until you're ready. If you're an easy prey, then you won't be a mental challenge for him and he'll lose interest in you.."

How do you find that quote?
Its a good way to see what sort of man he is. If he isnt prepared to wait, he isnt worth having.
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post #97 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
Not sure if that's true. Most men want to have sex with most of the girls that come their way. Sex for men is a natural release but it doesn't necessarily mean "love". When a man enters the club wanting to hookup, I don't see that as an expression of love.
Women have natural releases too. If you are thinking about sex with men and want it, but forcing yourself not to... then how is that natural?
I kind of messed up my quote earlier - it goes something like this:
"Men give LOVE for sex.
Women give SEX for Love."

That the generalization. When a man loves a woman, having sex is still an expression of love. We may/usually want more sex with the one we love than with others. ie: having NSA sex with women = I didn't think much about them after walking out the door. Not to be insulting (but more respectful than a guy demanding a BJ in his car on the 2nd date) We both got what we wanted. About 2~6 weeks, I'd be ready to move on or come back for a booty call when convenient. When a man is in actual love with someone, he'll be thinking about that person all day and night.

A dance club, a book club, a coffee shop - meeting someone for a hook up can happen anywhere. One of my player friends actually picks up women from Starbucks all the time - how? Because it's NOT a drinking/dance club - the women are not on guard for someone looking for a hookup. go figure.

((I said: But I feel that you are imposing rules against yourself ))
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Exactly, and it has kind of made me nervous, irritating and has put me into a bad mood for the past 5 months.
Hence, I recommend you talk to a sex therapist. You're punching yourself in the face pretty much. You have internal issues that I feel is beyond the abilities of an internet chat room. That kind of thing is something people will pick up on. How would that be attractive to someone else?

Quote:
But if the guy is really interested in me, why doesn't he respect my choice of restraining from sex for the first few weeks of our dating? Why should I hurry to give him sex for fear of losing him? Sex should not be the only thing to keep a guy around, even if sex is important ....but it's not everything.
You are right, he should respect your choice... But that goes in both directions, no? It seems you must only have JUST YOUR WAY? How does that sound fair for a loving relationship? You shouldn't need to hurry. I'm saying you should do what feels right and not hold back. But if you want sex, just go ahead and get sex. That is should help take the pressure off you to "perform" and not be so nervous when its someone you may really want.

Even NSA sex with someone can and HAS lead to marriages.

Quote:
Even in her book, Sherry Argov "Why men love beetches" states that "The principle of attraction is not to hurry to have sex with the guy..., let him wonder, make him wait, give hims signs of attraction but don't jump to bed right away. If he's really interested in you, he'll wait until you're ready. If you're an easy prey, then you won't be a mental challenge for him and he'll lose interest in you.."

How do you find that quote?
Find what quote?

You see... from that author's quote... she (and you) are using sex as leverage... a tool. "make him wait" Doesn't matter if he's so-so or Mr. Perfect - you are going to play games and MAKE HIM WAIT? If a woman had tried to do that to me after the age of 21 - I'd be done with them. I told a young lady in my mid-20s "don't threaten me with your p ~ vagina" = she wanted me to do something and if I wouldn't do it... no sex. Using her vagina as a tool or weapon as insulting. Fine, no sex that day. Took her a day or so to figure that out and we had sex then.

Yes, there WILL be men who will wait months to get touch your privates. But most will not. You said weeks just now... but your earlier post was making it sound like 1~3 months before allowing intercourse.

Again... if you are a HOT looking woman (You said you are attractive and fit) and doing this to typical men, I (they) may go with your game and date you. I'll still get something out of it. I get to practice... and you'd improve my chances of getting laid by ANOTHER woman by dating you in public. Let's say you date a guy and have dinner at a restaurant/club type place. The date ends at 9pm and you leave in a taxi after a goodbye hug (what a nice guy). He then walks back into the venue, gets a drink and hangs out. Any woman who is available who has SEEN you and him - may come up to him... and things go from there. That *IS* laws of attraction.

Remember, my wife had seen me a number of times at a club over the course of months, dancing and interacting with women. She was telling her best friend that I was handsome and wouldn't have a chance with me. She is somewhat shy and is not in the higher social circles of the club (yeah, that kind of thing happens - ugh).

I didn't plan to marry my wife when I met her. Just went with the flow. After the 3rd date - it was my best friend who told me "you're in love with her" I think he even said "you're going to marry her" - which I laughed off. When the thought of marrying her came to me, I asked and got a yes.

When you impose unrealistic rules... you get the results you are experiencing. You say you are not wanting children and marriage - okay, then what?
Start getting help know - with a professional, rather than continue what you are doing now.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.

Last edited by TaDor; 03-28-2017 at 10:37 PM.
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post #98 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:31 PM
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

In the end, men and women both want to feel loved. Sex alone doesn't do it for either of us.

My son had a difficult breakup with a girl that he dated for about 18 months. He is 20 years old. He is a good looking guy and gets hit on a bunch. He told me the other day that girls just don't get it. They think guys just want to get laid, but that isn't it. He said, "Sure it is great to get laid, but I am looking for more than that".

I think both people need to be fun, honest, intelligent, have something in common, etc. If you end up having sex, then great. But don't make the mistake that having sex will land you a man. I don't think it matters if you don't have sex right away or you do. What matters is the connection outside the bedroom.

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post #99 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:29 PM
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
Sure, a woman wants a man that every girl wants but this man stays with his woman. This goes the same for men and their wife. It's the law of attraction, but Diana was implying something else.
Dating a man who is used to sleep around most of the time, is not very attractive (at least to me and women like me.) Would you want someone who gets laid right away..as soon as you turn your back?
No one way works for everyone. If one way isn't working, then you need to make a change. Diana is hardcore marriage above anything else. You don't want that. So find something in-between that may work.

As long as he is STD free and doesn't cheat on you - what does it matter if he (or she) had sex with 1 person or 100? Other than... you gotta compare yourself to all his past lovers, girlfriends, and hot-freaky one night stand sex.

When I had NSA sex with someone, why would I care what they do after I leave? When two people are INTO each other, they won't be thinking about anyone else. First month of dating my wife, I really didn't remember any interactions with friends or others on dates. All focus was on her.

About the "5 dates is too soon for me to have sex"...
Question 1: After dating a guy past the 2nd or 3rd date. Are you sexually attracted to him? Even imagining him naked or touching you sexually.
If "NO" = you should not waste any time doing additional dates. right?
If "YES" = Go to Question 2

Question 2: How is it NOT A GAME, when you stop yourself from doing something you both want to do?

Question 3: By holding down the brakes on sex for some proof of validation - how has it helped you or anyone else you know? How is has it proved anything?
How does that NOT project that "I only want you for marriage and children"?

Question 4:
You want love, cuddling, someone to wake up in the morning with? If yes, how has your current way of "dating" helping you get those things? Yet other people you may know - are doing those things. Perhaps talk to them about how they dated. I bet you will find that they didn't wait 10-whatever dates to get naked.

I sleep with my wife every night. We don't have sex every night. Between this post and the previous, I was nude when the wife came home from work. (I like to be naked in my own home or just boxers). She sat down near our bed, topless playing with a cat. I got on the bed and got behind her. I massaged and scratched her back, neck and shoulders. Some extra rubbing in other areas, but 95% of the time, I'm on her back and shoulders - this was for about 20 minutes while we talked, kiddo coming in and out of the bedroom playing. We then got dressed and went to the gym, then dinner. No sex. She was a bit sore - and I wanted to feel and hug her. No pressure and I was not out for sex.

Sex plays a part in "bonding two people" together. When you are stand-offish to men, you are not sending signals of romantic interests. Hence, 3~5 dates are the NORM for sex if the dating pair is working out. You maybe vetting him to see if he is worthy... but after so many dates, you've already started failing his vetting process.

Question 5: you've stated that of the few men you have had sex with - usually after months of dating. The relationship seems to die in a month or so. Why is that? Did either of you talk about the failure? Did you dump him or did he dump you? What were the signs? Was there ever a time he said "I love you" during the pre-sex dating phase?

The blunt thing is still a factor. If you are not fun in bed today (rigid, cold, insecure) that will also be a turn-off for many men. For those who want JUST sex, they won't care. As long as they bust a nut and added a notch on their belt - that is all they require.

I have gone years without sex with another woman. Without dating, gaining sexual experience and confidence - I would not have the child I have today. Even with the painful experiences with my wife - ALL of that was worth it... vs. being 46, alone, sexless and loveless. I knew that I would likely get hurt going out into the world of dating... that is part of life.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.

Last edited by TaDor; 03-28-2017 at 11:34 PM.
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post #100 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 12:02 AM
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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I understand your viewpoint that guys don't like agenda as it feels like a trap for them, but my reasons of waiting are not related to a possible future/marriage/kids with him. If you ask me, I'm mostly disinterested in marriage/kids.

My reasons for waiting is that I want to enjoy sex with him just as much as he does but I simply don't want to be considered as a sex toy that he sleeps with once in a while. That's it.
There is nothing wrong with that. Thing is, waiting for 10 dates or so - doesn't prove anything. There are married couples in which the wife is a sex toy (have you seen trump and his wives? There is no love there) There are people who have be together for years, and still one or both are treating the other like crap.
Until you are with a guy for a while, sexually - you may not know. Unless you are like Diana in which Marriage is a requirement and end-game goal. And believe me, there are women who want GUYS as sex toys. I *KNOW* how it feels... it's cheap sex. That is why I generally preferred casual dating or FWB sex - so there is something more than just an hour or so of fun. IF you meet a guy YOU really like, and he likes you - then YOU should be able to pick up on it and just go with the flow. But how are you going to learn how to see such signs from a guy - when you keep them at bay constantly?
1 - A guy won't show his true colors until after sex. (* religious / marriage before sex - not included)
2 - If a guy *IS INTO YOU* he'll be wanting to see you 3+ times a week.
3 - with some guys, you may never know. sorry.

I did not think of my wife as a sex object the first time we had sex. Her personality, her jokes and views of the world were a turn on.

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If the relationship lasts or not, that is to be seen after we have been hanging out/sleeping for a good while. (at least a year or two). Then, we MIGHT consider taking further steps like getting real serious.
Yep... rules. They are general rules. Some work better than others. People shouldn't get married until age 25+. People should have several sexual partners and relationships under their belt before looking for a serious relationship. I told a teen girl about that. She really wanted her first "guy" to be the love of her life. Geez, she was 15 back then. She did get a BF, they didn't make it to the age of 17. That's reality.

People should be together as a SERIOUS couple for 1~2 years before marriage. I broke my own rule... not even 3 weeks.

Until a relationship is "serious" - then expecting monogamy from your partner is unrealistic. A serious relationship is usually weeks or a few months after a 1st date... at that time, you both should state that dating others *IS NOT ALLOWED*. I did dated a woman years ago who expected the man to ONLY date her... I told her not happening and not realistic. We never took off - but remained good friends until she died of a health issue at 26yrs old.

When I dated my "future wife"... we started using the "love" word in about 7~10 days. We decided we were serious in about 2 weeks, then engaged soon after that. Other women I knew (Sexually or not) - had noticed that I was in love quickly. There were no requirement for X-amount of dates to know how people feel about each other.

While I had the sexual experience, it was she that cheated on our marriage and totally broke my heart. I've had broken 6 bones at various points in my life... her cheating of me - was far more painful than any of those injured. There is no perfect formula to keep that from ever happening.

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post #101 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 02:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
You are right, he should respect your choice... But that goes in both directions, no? It seems you must only have JUST YOUR WAY? How does that sound fair for a loving relationship? You shouldn't need to hurry. I'm saying you should do what feels right and not hold back. But if you want sex, just go ahead and get sex. That is should help take the pressure off you to "perform" and not be so nervous when its someone you may really want.
He shouldn't play by my rules if he doesn't want to and I don't want to play by his rules if I don't want to. I dislike it when either of the partners does things out of feeling forced and not out of pleasure.
That is until I meet someone who has the same flow as I do.

Quote:
Again... if you are a HOT looking woman (You said you are attractive and fit) and doing this to typical men, I (they) may go with your game and date you. I'll still get something out of it. I get to practice... and you'd improve my chances of getting laid by ANOTHER woman by dating you in public. Let's say you date a guy and have dinner at a restaurant/club type place. The date ends at 9pm and you leave in a taxi after a goodbye hug (what a nice guy). He then walks back into the venue, gets a drink and hangs out. Any woman who is available who has SEEN you and him - may come up to him... and things go from there. That *IS* laws of attraction.
The very same thing might happen even if we have sex. If he's the type of guy who sleeps around the block, he'll walk back to the venue no matter what.

Quote:
I didn't plan to marry my wife when I met her. Just went with the flow. After the 3rd date - it was my best friend who told me "you're in love with her" I think he even said "you're going to marry her" - which I laughed off. When the thought of marrying her came to me, I asked and got a yes.
TaDOr, you are an exception to the rule.
Is she the very same wife who cheated on you?

Quote:
When you impose unrealistic rules... you get the results you are experiencing.
You say you are not wanting children and marriage - okay, then what?
Apparently I'm running out of luck, as I've always been. I meet a new guy only 1nce a year. [Excluding guys at the gym who are already in a relationship/married when they ask me out...].

I go clubbing every weekend, but the guys who walk in there are only looking for a hook up.

That's the situation and if I don't meet the guys that fit my category then who do I date?

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #102 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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Originally Posted by SadSamIAm View Post
In the end, men and women both want to feel loved. Sex alone doesn't do it for either of us.

My son had a difficult breakup with a girl that he dated for about 18 months. He is 20 years old. He is a good looking guy and gets hit on a bunch. He told me the other day that girls just don't get it. They think guys just want to get laid, but that isn't it. He said, "Sure it is great to get laid, but I am looking for more than that".

I think both people need to be fun, honest, intelligent, have something in common, etc. If you end up having sex, then great. But don't make the mistake that having sex will land you a man. I don't think it matters if you don't have sex right away or you do. What matters is the connection outside the bedroom.
I am a strong fan of this idea. I don't enjoy sex if I don't feel the chemistry outside the bedroom as well.
Having a great sex is great but I don't think it'd be enough to maintain a stable relationship.

I've done a revision of myself and the way I am..and to be honest...it's not THAT difficult to get me laid, no matter how hard I sound.
My love language is words of affirmation and when someone I date/like pays me a compliment, I feel like I want to jump on his bones. ha!
I also love it when guys notice my details, or things that make me different from other girls and express it to me...it turns me on. I remember in 2014 there was a guy at the gym I had sex with just because he noticed my necklace and said I am such a classy girl and that I looked even more classy with that necklace on. Can you believe I had sex with him that night after gym at the message room? Sure, he might have said it to get me laid...but it actually worked. Pros to him!

Apparently, you don't need much work with me but you have to express and do things in a certain way to get my sexual attention.
To make it clear, I get compliments every single while at works, on the steet or at the gym ...but those compliments are so common and ordinary. They're about the shape of my body, my booty and all that... It's pretty much the same things that all guys notice at first sight. But when a guy notices something that not all guys do, my sexual attraction goes up and I can have sex with him right there. See? You only need to find my soft spots.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.

Last edited by lovelygirl; 03-29-2017 at 03:18 PM.
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post #103 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

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As long as he is STD free and doesn't cheat on you
How do I know if he's STD free when he sleeps around the block?
Cheating could be part of the package as well.


Quote:
- what does it matter if he (or she) had sex with 1 person or 100? Other than... you gotta compare yourself to all his past lovers, girlfriends, and hot-freaky one night stand sex.
I don't care and don't want to be compared. Every lover is different. I am different as well.

Quote:
When I had NSA sex with someone, why would I care what they do after I leave? When two people are INTO each other, they won't be thinking about anyone else. First month of dating my wife, I really didn't remember any interactions with friends or others on dates. All focus was on her.
The focus is what I need. If I have that from a guy then I feel appreciated.

About the "5 dates is too soon for me to have sex"...

Quote:
Question 1: After dating a guy past the 2nd or 3rd date. Are you sexually attracted to him? Even imagining him naked or touching you sexually.
If "NO" = you should not waste any time doing additional dates. right?
If "YES" = Go to Question 2
After the 3rd date I can imagine having sex with him. I even touch myself to the thoughts of me and him. But this imagination hasn't happened with all the guys I've dated. Only with 1 or two of them.

Quote:
Question 2: How is it NOT A GAME, when you stop yourself from doing something you both want to do?
I was afraid of been seen only as a sex tool, hence I didn't go on with having sex soon.

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Question 3: By holding down the brakes on sex for some proof of validation - how has it helped you or anyone else you know? How is has it proved anything?
How does that NOT project that "I only want you for marriage and children"?
I don't see the "sex prevention" as a tool to reach marriage and kids. The latter is out of the equation for me (at the moment) so all I worry about is how he sees me if we have sex too soon.

Although, with the guy from the gym that I had sex with (see my previous post), for some reason I didn't care what he would think of me afterwards. I went ahead to please my sexual desire at that moment. I didn't think twice and don't regret it even to this day. When I meet him every now and then, we greet each other like good friends and like nothing has happened. For some reason, I have forgotten about that experience although it felt good at that moment.

Quote:

Question 4:
You want love, cuddling, someone to wake up in the morning with? If yes, how has your current way of "dating" helping you get those things? Yet other people you may know - are doing those things. Perhaps talk to them about how they dated. I bet you will find that they didn't wait 10-whatever dates to get naked.
As I said, one of my friends who slept with the guy for the first time they dated, never heard from him afterwards.
So there are good experiences and bad ones. No experience is the same as the other.

Quote:
I sleep with my wife every night. We don't have sex every night. Between this post and the previous, I was nude when the wife came home from work. (I like to be naked in my own home or just boxers). She sat down near our bed, topless playing with a cat. I got on the bed and got behind her. I massaged and scratched her back, neck and shoulders. Some extra rubbing in other areas, but 95% of the time, I'm on her back and shoulders - this was for about 20 minutes while we talked, kiddo coming in and out of the bedroom playing. We then got dressed and went to the gym, then dinner. No sex. She was a bit sore - and I wanted to feel and hug her. No pressure and I was not out for sex.
Yes, but you have reached to a point where you LOVE your wife so you don't need to have sex to express love to her and she already knows it.
But during the dating phase, the guy needs to have sex to start loving the girl (if love happens)..and until then..the girl is pressured to give him sex 'til she receives some non-sexual love in return.

Quote:
Sex plays a part in "bonding two people" together. When you are stand-offish to men, you are not sending signals of romantic interests. Hence, 3~5 dates are the NORM for sex if the dating pair is working out. You maybe vetting him to see if he is worthy... but after so many dates, you've already started failing his vetting process.
I see.

Quote:
Question 5: you've stated that of the few men you have had sex with - usually after months of dating. The relationship seems to die in a month or so. Why is that? Did either of you talk about the failure? Did you dump him or did he dump you? What were the signs? Was there ever a time he said "I love you" during the pre-sex dating phase?
I've dumped but mostly I'VE BEEN DUMPED. I restrain from sex when I start to feel that I'm not receiving non-sexual love in return. So he gets mad, bored and leaves me. My needs for non-sexual love are not met so I start my detachment by not giving him sex. He then totally detaches from me...until finally dumping me for good.
That's how it usually goes. The last two men have dumped me because that's how it went.

Quote:
The blunt thing is still a factor. If you are not fun in bed today (rigid, cold, insecure) that will also be a turn-off for many men. For those who want JUST sex, they won't care. As long as they bust a nut and added a notch on their belt - that is all they require.
I try to be fun and experience anything the man wants. I usually don't have issues with trying new things.
Although, to be honest I have NEVER EVER oragasmed in my life with the men I've slept.
I've only climaxed through self-pleasure. So, most of the times I've slept with those men it's been about them..not so much about me.

Quote:
I have gone years without sex with another woman. Without dating, gaining sexual experience and confidence - I would not have the child I have today. Even with the painful experiences with my wife - ALL of that was worth it... vs. being 46, alone, sexless and loveless. I knew that I would likely get hurt going out into the world of dating... that is part of life.
I have been worried lately that my sexual libido could decrease due to the sexless state that I've been in for the most part of my life.
If someday (God knows when..) I meet a HD man with whom I click ...but by the time I decide to have sex with him I go LD??? How will I treat this?
Now I'm HD, young, energetic and still feel fresh. What happens after 5-7 years? Will I feel the same?

This worries me.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #104 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:41 PM
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
He shouldn't play by my rules if he doesn't want to and I don't want to play by his rules if I don't want to. I dislike it when either of the partners does things out of feeling forced and not out of pleasure. That is until I meet someone who has the same flow as I do.
When you have sexual interests or desires for someone and not do it - then its forced, no?
What if you never meet someone who has the "same flow" as you do? Would you really want to be with someone who is a mirror of yourself? Love isn't so simple... people come together like puzzle pieces - not because they are exactly the same. If LOVE was a simple thing that works the same - well, everyone would be just perfect, always - every time and forever.

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The very same thing might happen even if we have sex. If he's the type of guy who sleeps around the block, he'll walk back to the venue no matter what.
So you are then in a lose-lose situation. You don't know... but worse yet, when you blow a guy off "to prove his dedication" - then you open him up to dating others and falling in love with someone else. To us guys, you're playing a game. If he's interested in something more than just sex - it'll be a turn off for many.
If its a date that goes from dinner > dance > Love-making, then he's not going anywhere... is he?

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TaDOr, you are an exception to the rule. Is she the very same wife who cheated on you?
Actually, I am not. yeah, there are a LOT of guys who are jerks, just want to bang. But there are a lot more than you think - that want more... even if they are in their early 20s. If all men wanted just sex - then no women would have boyfriends or husbands. And yes, she is the same one. Out of all my relationships - only one woman I ever asked to marry. So, # sex partners doesn't = cheater. You can marry a virgin and he or she could cheat on you.

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Apparently I'm running out of luck, as I've always been. I meet a new guy only 1nce a year. [Excluding guys at the gym who are already in a relationship/married when they ask me out...].

I go clubbing every weekend, but the guys who walk in there are only looking for a hook up.
That's the situation and if I don't meet the guys that fit my category then who do I date?
Its not luck... its your choices, your rules. When I was younger and wanting to ONLY date woman who I may consider marriage or LTR - I had rules that such a woman would have to fit. No smoking, etc. My wife was a smoker (GASP / ugh) - now she vapes.

You meet guys all the time. (Let's not talk about the Gym cheaters) - What are you doing? Your vibes are "bugger off!"? Crossing your arms in a club = "go away"... something simple as that.

So what if guys go to clubs to hook up... are they gay or do these clubs also have women? So you see, people are going to meet... And you know what I like doing? Going to those same clubs with my wife or past girlfriends. Socializing with friends, having fun. Many people meet their future boyfriend/girlfriend at clubs.

Start casual, go from there.

Who do you date? I answered that above... you date nobody. You stay sexually frustrated. And question your own sexual appeal and abilities. One of my best friends, she used a dating site to get laid - but ended up meeting her boyfriend of 3 years, I expect them to marry some day. A perfect couple, IMHO. She's a friend, we kissed a few times, I got a breast once... but that was it, we felt nothing and just remained friends.

You need to change yourself. Men and women all over the world do this all the time. Finally meeting Mr. Perfect at age 60 isn't going to do you any favors.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #105 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:29 AM
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Re: Do men make fun of a wrong performed sex act?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
How do I know if he's STD free when he sleeps around the block?
Cheating could be part of the package as well. I don't care and don't want to be compared. Every lover is different. I am different as well.
Yes, no... maybe. No way to tell for sure... until he's coming back for lovemaking and his relaxed around you.
The comparison is about how you feel about others... your subject of this tread is about the quality of sex, remember? And for that - there has to be something for the other person to compare with.

Quote:
The focus is what I need. If I have that from a guy then I feel appreciated.

About the "5 dates is too soon for me to have sex"...

After the 3rd date I can imagine having sex with him. I even touch myself to the thoughts of me and him. But this imagination hasn't happened with all the guys I've dated. Only with 1 or two of them.
I was afraid of been seen only as a sex tool, hence I didn't go on with having sex soon.
That is fine... everyone like to be appreciated. Date 1 or date 20, if that guy only sees you as a sex tool - the number of dates won't matter much. Hence 2~3 date "rule" = you fizzle out his interests in you as a person. If you can't figure where he is at by date 4 or 5, you won't after date 20. Look, as you yourself said "guys are in clubs looking for hook-ups" = okay, if a MAN just wants to get SEX - he wouldn't be dating you. He can go online, use an app for NSA sex. He can pay a prostitute the cost of a date, to get sex... without all the hassle of dating.

Another thing, even about club-guys... they (we) also get nervous when we meet someone we like. "will she like me". Women dress up "will he find me attractive?" When it's more about sex, then it's not much a deal to get a rejection or gets nothing that night.

Quote:
I don't see the "sex prevention" as a tool to reach marriage and kids. The latter is out of the equation for me (at the moment) so all I worry about is how he sees me if we have sex too soon.
And all he is worried about is that you want marriage and kids and he's only spent several hours with you. Remember, YOU also see him naked, and he *IS* concerned about what YOU think of his attractiveness and sexual abilities. That he doesn't ejaculate too fast... that you HAVE a good time. Your 10~20 date rules is telling the man's brain "marriage and kids" - no matter what you say otherwise. There is no such thing as "too soon". If a guy is a jerk who ONLY view women as sex objects - the number of dates, if ANY won't change him.

Every woman I had NSA sex with, I wanted them to ENJOY what *we* are doing. I want to rock their world and by all means, its great to give such pleasure to someone else. Hint, if HE has zero interest in giving YOU oral, he's thinking more about himself, than you. I (and other men - but not all) have not reduced the value of how we think of a woman we are dating because we had sex one date 1 or date 5. I once had sex with a very attractive woman at a party, both drunk and turned on. I think about an hour or two later, she was having issues and I was trying to help her. But her male friend stopped me. He didn't know who I was, but he also wasn't doing a good job to help her. Still many years later, it makes me angry that he stopped me from helping her - which I would have done, sex or no sex. Since he was her friend, I left it up to him in the end... but I'm not happy about it.

I have friended many women that I met at a clubs, I have also talked to them about relationships and supported them getting into serious relationship with others. Why not?

Quote:
Although, with the guy from the gym that I had sex with (see my previous post), for some reason I didn't care what he would think of me afterwards. I went ahead to please my sexual desire at that moment. I didn't think twice and don't regret it even to this day. When I meet him every now and then, we greet each other like good friends and like nothing has happened. For some reason, I have forgotten about that experience although it felt good at that moment.
Okay... so apply a version of THAT to men you meet at club or date. By date 3 at the latest, choose that he has met some criteria that make him sexually attractive to you and have fun. Or after date 3, thank him for his time "sorry, nothing wrong with you - but not what I'm looking for." And if he is a "good guy" that you feel isn't compatible with you - offer that you'll keep his number handy for maybe a friend who may like him. Who knows. Hell, I've done that many times.

If that guy only used you for sex (and you still got something out of it) and he disappears the next day - then you have not invested time, money, effort, emotions with 5~10~15+ dates with him. Insulting, yes. But as with the Gym-guy... you had fun, and you can look him in the eye and not give a damn. You yourself said you don't have any regrets.

Quote:
As I said, one of my friends who slept with the guy for the first time they dated, never heard from him afterward. So there are good experiences and bad ones. No experience is the same as the other.
Yep. I think you said they dated a few times before she had sex with him... then gone. It could be because he wanted to add a notch to his list or he didn't like the sex with her.

Before my wife, I dated a women 2 times who would have been considered "hotter" because she is a D-cup and very fit. I thought for several months she would be girlfriend material who lived 2 minutes from me. And I knew her from a community setting, NOT a club setting. She wanted to discuss some social issues, it was a Friday night. I said "sure" and met her for a drink and finger food as I was going to go out dancing and drinking in the city afterward. After our 1.5hr talk - which WAS NOT A DATE, she wanted to go out clubbing. We got drunk, we danced and we had sex in her house. Sex was good, not great ~ I was on the fence. I offered for us to date some more, but she wanted me to come over for sex the next night. I went over, she's half naked... game time. 10 minutes into sex, while I am still inside her - how she talked, wanted sex and other factors just reduced my desire for her. I offered a 3rd date - at least she can dance and take her out for a good time, but at that stage, I doubt I wanted to have sex with her. She didn't go, I went out and meet my future wife who lived 45 minutes away on the other side of the city. She was worth the drive. I am more satisfied with a 5 min quickie with my wife, today than anything I did with that local woman years ago.

Remember my previous post "you date a guy for dinner, go home. He then meets another woman later that night, who may end up becoming a girlfriend". I was also thought the local woman would be good eye-candy for me to attract OTHER women at the club. I don't miss her. Looking back, she wasn't a good lover - or at least compatible with me.

Quote:
Yes, but you have reached to a point where you LOVE your wife so you don't need to have sex to express love to her and she already knows it.
But during the dating phase, the guy needs to have sex to start loving the girl (if love happens)..and until then..the girl is pressured to give him sex 'til she receives some non-sexual love in return.
I never pressured my wife for sex, or anyone else. If two people are turned on and want sex... then its more pressure to NOT have sex. You kind of got the process correct. The guy needs sex / girl has sex for non-sexual emotional needs. But you added the "pressured to give him sex". Some may do so more than others. I've been felt up by women many times. You are viewing men as "the enemy"... yes, many guys are jerks - but so are women. Its like you are going into battle with the guy you are dating, that doesn't seem healthy ~ and of course, that is a turn-off for the men.

Quote:
Question 5 =
I've dumped but mostly I'VE BEEN DUMPED. I restrain from sex when I start to feel that I'm not receiving non-sexual love in return. So he gets mad, bored and leaves me. My needs for non-sexual love are not met so I start my detachment by not giving him sex. He then totally detaches from me...until finally dumping me for good.
That's how it usually goes. The last two men have dumped me because that's how it went.
Getting mad = immature. Bored and leaves you should be the norm. Sorry, but us MEN can give you non-sexual LOVE after the sex. Again, for MEN - once we know we can get sex from the woman (you) AND we do like you as a possible girlfriend. Then we'll want to date you more, do NON-SEXUAL things with you. But if he comes back only for sex (like the local woman in my story), then that is all it is to him... come by for an hour or so then leaves = player. Then you know where to go from there.

So, a typical thing is that you date/have sex with such a guy to get your sexual needs meet, until you meet a guy who rocks your world. Of course that works more so for men.

Ph, the anger part could be that the guy felt like you PLAYED him for free dinner and drinks and all he was to you is a wallet.

Quote:
I try to be fun and experience anything the man wants. I usually don't have issues with trying new things.
Although, to be honest I have NEVER EVER oragasmed in my life with the men I've slept.
I've only climaxed through self-pleasure. So, most of the times I've slept with those men it's been about them..not so much about me.
If you are not having orgasms, that is also a turn off for men... Being wound up and not letting your body relax, is likely keeping you from having the orgazm. Remember, locate a sex therapist.

Quote:
I have been worried lately that my sexual libido could decrease due to the sexless state that I've been in for the most part of my life.
If someday (God knows when..) I meet a HD man with whom I click ...but by the time I decide to have sex with him I go LD??? How will I treat this?
Now I'm HD, young, energetic and still feel fresh. What happens after 5-7 years? Will I feel the same?

This worries me.
You don't use it - you'll lose it, especially with age. How do you treat it? Well, if you wait until then - there is nothing you can do. What you do today is... get laid. A HD guy is gonna likely want or expect sex within date 1~2. Any dates after 5 *IS A WASTE* of his time and yours. You're not learning new things or learning how to be comfortable with sex with men. My wife not wanting me to see her body the first week or so we were dating was NOT attractive. I helped her with her body image issues. She's naked quite a bit now, but I talked with her quite a bit about being nude and she started becoming at ease with her body.

In 5~7 years, you'll be older - you'll be hitting your biological clock... then men you date WILL be very much aware of your biological clock and will either ignore you *OR* use it against you to get into your panties. You'll likely be more desperate. Hence, they will use "I love you" type stuff to have sex with you... then still dump you.

I was worried about living my 30s without having a girlfriend or sex. So I made a change, reduced my rules... dating all kinds of women, because how WOULD I KNOW what I like if I didn't sample the buffet?

You ever do that? Go to a new restaurant and TRY a platter or buffet of food to see what you like? I do that all parties, especially weddings. I take a finger/bite of everything from the buffet... see what I like, then fill my plate with the stuff I know I like.

Here is a simple question: If a man had a 2" (5 centimeter) penis, when erect. Would that be acceptable?
Imagine if you dated a handsome and rich guy for months, finally had sex with him - and that is what he has between his legs. If you leave, then you would have wasted much of each others time.


Dating a man a year... is not working. And without plans for marriage and children... you are missing out on your own enjoyment for the wrong reasons. Of course be safe out there.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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