Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce? - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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No, it's for her Frigidistan passport.

Nothing I said alleviated her concerns, in fact, I got blamed because the first set of pictures we got at another place with her "guidance" did not match the requirements. Then she went postal, and went thru her usual meltdown routine while I was busy calling places.

As I said, you should have been there 😁
She was undoubtedly very upset. And you were right to get to the mechanical root of the problem.

But john, the emotional root was something different. She was fearing something. Did you address that fear? Did you try to reassure her? How?

That ability to reassure is part of emotional connection. It is seeing beyond the obvious and addressing the emotion, and the reason for the emotion. It builds trust and is bonding.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #137 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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But why the hell are her pictures YOUR problem? She's an adult, she should act like one.
It's still debatable whether she's an adult.
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post #138 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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But why the hell are her pictures YOUR problem? She's an adult, she should act like one.
Worth quoting this .... or in acronym world ... QFT
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post #139 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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She was undoubtedly very upset. And you were right to get to the mechanical root of the problem.

But john, the emotional root was something different. She was fearing something. Did you address that fear? Did you try to reassure her? How?

That ability to reassure is part of emotional connection. It is seeing beyond the obvious and addressing the emotion, and the reason for the emotion. It builds trust and is bonding.
Her fear (read, phobia) is that something will go wrong and will snowball into a catastrophe. Regardless of magnitude or probability of occurrence.

And, the older she gets the more irrational the phobias become.

She's a treasure trove of irrational decision making.

Fears are temporary and can be mitigated as you describe. Phobias or even worse, psychosis type reactions, cannot be mitigated in this manner.
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post #140 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:15 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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Her fear (read, phobia) is that something will go wrong and will snowball into a catastrophe. Regardless of magnitude or probability of occurrence.

And, the older she gets the more irrational the phobias become.

She's a treasure trove of irrational decision making.

Fears are temporary and can be mitigated as you describe. Phobias or even worse, psychosis type reactions, cannot be mitigated in this manner.
You could still be an important part of tackling them. You could provide the practical and emotional support and encouragement she would need to get that kind of courage up.

You know, John, I think I have more confidence in you than you have in yourself.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #141 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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This is for a passport from the Republic of Frigidistan... Not a US passport. Not every country has the same picture requirements.

My birth country requires that pictures be taken at a specific photo place 😁 near the consulate so they're known good... You'll be amazed at the crazy requirements some countries pose.
Yep like the Aussie requirements, if I was ever going to go ballistic it would be at the Passport office.
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post #142 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

@john117 I have to admit I enjoy your little banter / argument with JLD.


But, truth be told, I always read JLD's posts in the voice of HAL from the movie 2001: "John... what are you doing John? I don't think that's a good idea, John..."

Cracks me up every time


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post #143 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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Ah, jld..

This is one of those "you oughta be a fly on the wall" moments.

This weekend was a classic example. We're going to DC to renew wife's passport. The picture requirements are such that a Walmart type passport picture will not do. We use Sears or JCPenney photo studio instead. Alas, they either closed down or don't do passport pictures​ any more. Needless to say she goes into full scale emotional convulsions while I quickly find a local pro photographer who's open on Sundays​ and does this kind of work. $30 later problem addressed.

Was this appreciated? Expletive deleted not. There simply is no place in some people's​ mind for "appreciation".

You seem to have a very narrow set of behavior expectations based on what you consider typical and atypical behavior. In reality, the bounds of atypical behavior are leagues apart.
I like reading your posts John,I think we would probably get along in person,at least for a while.But answer me this,why did you both have to go for your wife's passport.You know it's going to be a melodrama so why put yourself through it.You seem to have a martyr complex about your wife and I think she plays on it.You say you are leaving her in may,with the greatest of respect she may not miss you as much as you think.
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post #144 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

Because it won't get done otherwise.

It's not martyrdom I'm seeking, it's peace of mind and avoidance of duplicate efforts.

But you really need to understand the difference between concern, fear, phobia, and psychosis. I do what I do because of concern that left to her own devices she'll show up with Polaroid selfies. She does what she does because of her phobia of failure and her overall irrational mis-processing of consequences.

In chore land, think of a basic chore I've been doing for decades. She will want to hire it out to make sure it gets done right. Never mind I do it better in many cases. Never mind I did it for decades. All of a sudden I'm suspect.

After May it's her choice. I can tell you my cat has a better choice of winning the Iditarod than her surviving a month on her own...
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post #145 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

She will survive just fine. She may complain. But she won't flounder. In the end, if she finds it overwhelming, she'll simply find another sucker / victim to prey upon. Some people are good at that. She sounds like one of them.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #146 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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She will survive just fine. She may complain. But she won't flounder. In the end, if she finds it overwhelming, she'll simply find another sucker / victim to prey upon. Some people are good at that. She sounds like one of them.
Doubt all of the above. She's happy alone so.... Let's see who does the chores then.

I'm curious to see if she'll choose counseling vs divorce based on that alone
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post #147 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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Doubt all of the above. She's happy alone so.... Let's see who does the chores then.

I'm curious to see if she'll choose counseling vs divorce based on that alone
Don't hold your breath. I'm yet to see one person post divorce not get on with life.
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post #148 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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Don't hold your breath. I'm yet to see one person post divorce not get on with life.
Most likely if she chooses door #2 or #3 she will return to her country where all chores are done by staff...
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post #149 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

So there you have it. She will be fine. She will hire staff to do the chores she dislikes. Problem solved.

John, if there is a crash and burn coming in her life, it will not be because she can't handle the tasks of daily life. It will be because she desires to have a steady partner, of a high calibre, and she may not find it as easy to attract such men at her current age compared to how it was before she married you. The work she will have to do is not cleaning the toilets, but fooling a quality man into thinking that what she has to offer long term is worth his investment. She will have to feign interest in activities that she dislikes. In the end, I expect that she is capable of pulling that off.

I don't feel sorry for you. I don't feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for the poor shnook she is going to entrap.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #150 of 171 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:53 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

Actually she's not going to do any of that... She'll simply park herself on a couch and watch CNN on satellite.

Remarrying at 60 is highly unlikely there. Chores are not the issue because plenty of servants are there.

We'll see.
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