Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

The problem I see with doing more chores to get some lovin is that it doesn't work when the wife tells you to do said chore and then comes back and tells you how to do it. In my humble opinion, You get to do one or the other, either ask for it to be done OR explain how you want it done. Otherwise it is a no win situation for the man and will build resentment.

Just what I have experienced. Your mileage may vary...

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post #77 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

My personal pet peeve - men thinking they need to be rewarded for doing THEIR FAIR SHARE around the house.

You can't suck and blow at the same time boys - if your wife works outside the home and contributes financially, don't be an assclown and ALSO expect her to do 99% of the chores inside the home.

What a ludicrous concept to think men 'deserve' all kinds of sex, recognition, special treatment and a damned marching band to celebrate them just because they did what they SHOULD be doing - sharing in the responsibility of keeping their home clean, their clothes clean, or their meals cooked. You live there TOO, don't you? They're YOUR skid marks in your Joe Boxers, aren't they?

Why in the hell so many men think they should be rewarded with sex or a standing ovation for doing what most women are stuck doing every day of their lives - while working a full time job on top of it - makes my head explode. I have YET to see a man bring a woman a gift every single day for doing all this crap, yet men are supposed to be rewarded.

As IF.
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post #78 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

When Mrs.CuddleBug does her weekly chores on Saturday, like she is now as I type, this does not increase my sex drive for her or vise versa.

When I do my daily chores, always taking the initiative, never being asked, this doesn't increase her sex drive.

Having one spouse do more chores so the other spouse can take it easy and then give them sex as a reward, job well done, is like a man paying a prostitute for sex.

In reality, this does not work.

In fact, if I do most of the chores, Mrs.CuddleBug actually gets mad because there isn't much for her to do.


Chores I do daily because it must be done:

- grocery shop
- dishwasher and counter top
- garbage
- recycling
- darks and whites
- stocking bathroom accessories
- all outside cleanup and maintenance
- bills paid early
- cat taken care of, food, litter, treats, toys, vet


No sex drive increase from Mrs.CuddleBug.......

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post #79 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 06:20 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

There's chores and chores. I'll be spending several hours connecting and testing my new home receiver to the whole house AV system. I'm sure most wives would not count this as 'chore' but it's something that needs to be done.

As part of the same pet project I repainted a 16 foot by 9 foot built in media wall with a foam roller brush (fun), then laid lots of shelf lining to all the interior shelves and rearranged / organized hundreds of CD's and DVD's.

Nah, not a chore either 😁
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post #80 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 08:05 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

In my marriage (which has now ended) ex felt ALL household responsibilities were mine because I was a female. I was a SAHM so I had no problem doing the bulk of the household chores, but I quickly realized it was not at all appreciated and just expected of me. I honestly would have had no problem with that (maybe that's wrong) if I was actually loved and appreciated. Instead it was just expected of me without my knowledge and OMG if I forgot to dry the undies all hell broke loose only I had no clue what was going on because he didn't share squat. I know some on here hate the word never, but honestly he never shared feelings, like not even once.
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post #81 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 01:10 AM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

My wife does almost all the chores around the house and other chores too. I used to be out of the country for about 90 days a year and was working 10 hours a day for 6 days a week. My wife never had to work so she did the chores and I busting my butt working on advancing in my career, which I eventually succeeded doing. Now I work at home 12 hours a day so I can have Friday off but am on call 24/7. My wife actually likes running the house. Once I tried to do more than the few things I do and she accused me of trying to steal her job. I think she feels a little guilty for being retired while I am still working. She wants to feel useful. We are married 44 years.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #82 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

Why don't they study the lack of defined role in marriage as being a core cause of marriage failure. My wife always hated it when I did her job as it was part of her identity.
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post #83 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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Originally Posted by Mr The Other View Post
That matches my own experience and it seems to be cultural. In a household where the man normally cooks, the question as to who usually cooks might typically be answered in three ways:
Scandinavian lady: "He normally does the cooking." No need for excuses as no judgement is attached.
American lady: "He likes to cook so he ofter does it, to relax after work." Feels the need to excuse it so that she is not an evil scorpion ***** wife from hell.
British lady: "I always cook, you could not trust him in the kitchen"
I remember reading a story in Denmark about research that showed the Scandinavians were unusual in only slightly exaggerating what they did proportionately. I have also read that while women grossly overestimate the time they spend on housework and work they also slightly overestimate the amount their partner does, men tend to underestimate both what they are their partner does.

And all three will be sincere. I suspect in a house where the man is doing almost all of the housework and working hard at work, it will be reported as splitting the housework about evenly and he might well lose patience.

I also had the acquaintance of a lady who left her husband who consistently and willfully earnt less money that her (there were other reasons too). She felt shallow for letting it bother her, and he had tried to compensate by doing most of the housework. Considering that he was a poet who wrote about feelings, that was brutally insensitive of him.
I worked in numerous countries when I was younger and when in the UK I was always amazed by the attitude of wives to their husbands over housework but especially when it came to birthdays and other celebrations.She would expect flowers,a card,a gift and at least a meal for her and some friends and family in a restaurant or maybe a weekend away.He might get a card and a takeout meal and that would be it.I worked with guys who would admit having to bargain with their wives for sex,spending their evenings doing household chores for a non working wife just to get sex.
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post #84 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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I worked in numerous countries when I was younger and when in the UK I was always amazed by the attitude of wives to their husbands over housework but especially when it came to birthdays and other celebrations.She would expect flowers,a card,a gift and at least a meal for her and some friends and family in a restaurant or maybe a weekend away.He might get a card and a takeout meal and that would be it.I worked with guys who would admit having to bargain with their wives for sex,spending their evenings doing household chores for a non working wife just to get sex.
I was brought up in the UK. When I was living in Belgium, women would say that their husbands/boyfriends never cooked and when they did it was a big occasion. That was what women said in the UK, so I assumed the situation.

On a second date, we were going to an exhibition and I quickly cooked us some food and tidied up as I went. While I was doing this, I noticed by date seemed amazed and shaken. It was then I saw the difference, that the situation was very different and that in Belgium, women really did do the vast bulk of the housework. The Valentines situation is similar, when I got a present in Denmark, I was a bit bemused - when it happened in Belgium and the USA I realized that the UK was the strange one.

I think it is a legacy of old fashioned sexism, that classes women and children together. I suspect it will last for a generation, for one thing the large number of Polish women coming over changed things.
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post #85 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 04:35 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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I was brought up in the UK. When I was living in Belgium, women would say that their husbands/boyfriends never cooked and when they did it was a big occasion. That was what women said in the UK, so I assumed the situation.

On a second date, we were going to an exhibition and I quickly cooked us some food and tidied up as I went. While I was doing this, I noticed by date seemed amazed and shaken. It was then I saw the difference, that the situation was very different and that in Belgium, women really did do the vast bulk of the housework. The Valentines situation is similar, when I got a present in Denmark, I was a bit bemused - when it happened in Belgium and the USA I realized that the UK was the strange one.

I think it is a legacy of old fashioned sexism, that classes women and children together. I suspect it will last for a generation, for one thing the large number of Polish women coming over changed things.
My brother and his wife live in the UK and even she is bemused at this entitled attitude of some British women.When she organised a birthday party for him some of her neighbors were astonished that she would go to so much trouble.The attitude was get a takeout and a bottle of wine and he should think himself lucky.The same women would throw a tantrum if this happened to them.You see it in the shopping malls too,husband weighed down with kids and shopping bags and the little woman is carrying her handbag and a coffee.They have it all worked out those British girls.lol.
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post #86 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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My brother and his wife live in the UK and even she is bemused at this entitled attitude of some British women.When she organised a birthday party for him some of her neighbors were astonished that she would go to so much trouble.The attitude was get a takeout and a bottle of wine and he should think himself lucky.The same women would throw a tantrum if this happened to them.You see it in the shopping malls too,husband weighed down with kids and shopping bags and the little woman is carrying her handbag and a coffee.They have it all worked out those British girls.lol.
It is a gross generalization of course, I know British women are are the main grown ups in their relationships too. I suspect it is just for the one generation when feminism has won some battles, but the indulgence part of sexism remains. I still have part of it, a feeling that a man should be strong enough not to rely emotionally on his wife certainly.

I am not sure how strong it is with the young generation. Times move on and I suspect that the Millennial generation do not feel inherently oppressed to the same extent.
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post #87 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:24 AM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

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But @Faithful Wife the dynamics there are different because he is your boyfriend and you see his level of care and attention to needs unrelated to yours.

Imagine if he were to step into your life, marry you, and begin providing that level of service for everything that has to do with you. At first it would likely be awesome, but over time perhaps he would feel more like a maid or chauffeur. I'm not sure what it is about our society, but more often than not we tend to place ourselves above those that fit the description of "the help." The average wife would likely not respond well to this sexually, and seek out another partner equally as privileged as she perceives herself to be.
I don't think so. Maybe I've portrayed him as someone who would be my maid or chauffeur if we combined our lives together, but that's not what he is like. He is just always moving. There's so much to do in his household, being a single dad. And if he doesn't keep moving, it will back up on him and immediately overwhelm his life. He just has it all handled, was my point. He take care of biz every day.

He is very kind to me and opens my doors, etc. But he's not a servant and doesn't act like one. He acts like a busy man in charge of his life, who has plenty of energy to take care of all of this and still pursue a woman sexually and romantically. That's what is really attractive about it.

If we merged our lives, we wouldn't do that until such a time that his kids are off to college and neither of our moms live with us anymore. When that day comes for him, whether I'm in his life or not, his life will not be as hectic and he will be able to do more recreational things with his time. He won't still be doing the laundry and cooking for 4 people.

I'm sure he would still take care of his home and possessions, because he has pride in those things (not to excess). But he wouldn't be anyone's servant. I'm very low maintenance in that way, anyway. We get along well in that area. I keep my place tidy and neat but I don't spend that much time at it, as it is just me and therefore easy to keep clean. My place is really cool though, an urban swinging awesome corner apartment unit in a hip, secured building, and his place is also cool, a huge 5 bedroom place in a country setting. We both really enjoy each other's house, how we've decorated, and we both approve of the level of coolness and cleanliness of each's other pad.

I prefer living apart for now...and I don't really see that changing anytime soon. If we were to move in together though, I don't see any change in how I would sexually respond to him based on his Super Dad current house actions. If anything, we'd be even more into each other because we'd have more time to lay around in bed all day.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #88 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

...

Last edited by badsanta; 03-17-2017 at 07:24 AM.
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post #89 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

Some people like to have predefined roles in relationships, others do not. You could have two people who have different definitions of chores (look at @john117 post). Everyone is different, every situation is different.

In my situation, my wife is currently a SAHM, so part of her role is maintaining the house / bulk of chore work. It would not be reasonable to expect me to come home from work every night to take care of these things. Now, maybe the difference, and where some people run into issues in a situation similar to mine, this does not mean my W is my maid. I still have a responsibility to clean up after myself, take care of myself (if anything, it does bother my W at times that I am content taking care of myself and don't look for her help, don't expect dinner waiting for me, etc...). On the weekends I do look to help out with the housework as well.

Really, at the end of the day, communicate communicate communicate so that both people are on the same page as far as expectations.
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post #90 of 155 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: Men Doing More Chores Increases Divorce?

This whole division of housework thing is not easy to measure!!!

I used to do the dishes. My wife objected to the presence of a dish drainer, so she disposed of it. So, her method is to wash a dish, rinse a dish, turn off the water, dry it with a towel, then put away. Then pick up next dirty dish. She can have her method if she wishes...but I don't wish to spend my time that way. I also used to do the dishes as soon as I dirtied them. If I walk up to a sink and it's got dishes from the last three meals she ate - gosh, that seems like a lot to do all at once. So, I've been prohibited from doing this particular job in the manner that I deem is efficient, for me. Now that I work from home, I do dishes - mine, the moment they're dirty and then they're put away.

In 17 years, I've never seen her clean a window, wash a floor, dust a ceiling, clean the high horizontal surfaces (door frames, refrigerator and cabinet tops...). Nor does she clean "cleaning equipment". Vacuum cleaners require periodic disassembly (remove bag, belts, other consumer-accessible bits and use towel/water to get out the crud, or the machine won't last long.). If your plumbing fixtures get mineral deposits on them, so does your washing machine, so it needs cleaning. Nope, she doesn't do that - but complains when the washing machine looks icky or the vacuum cleaner starts spraying dust out the bag, torn by grit.

I never had a cleaning schedule when single...but once a week, I'd do a survey of my place and visible problems were dealt with. I prefer an uncluttered clean looking place, but fall short of hospital sanitary. So...I basically do the cleaning I'd do if it were just me, since I appear to be more picky than her anyway.

On the interesting/charming/honorable side, my wife changes the oil in the cars. Why? To honor her dad. He died when she was young, and her favorite activity was helping him work on the cars.



There are things she does for which I'm grateful. I do not like shopping - of any kind. Even if it's for my own hobbies, I dislike the act of selecting products, ordering them, paying for them, entering the expense info in the database for tax purposes...etc. I still have to do that where my business is concerned. But she has totally freed me from grocery shopping (thank someone above!). I'm also excused from cooking, my reasoning being that we don't cook. She has an obsession with "eating simply", which means open a can of veggies, pour it out and microwave it. I used to be a good cook, but there's nothing I might cook that would suit her definition of "food". Hmmm...I did like cooking...and don't do it any more. I should throw dinner parties and cook for guests...she'll just watch, I suspect.




Now, a previous significant other - had been mentally abused by her mom as a child, that there MUST be weekly cleanings and it was a LONG list. And she loved the use of chemicals. Made my athsma worse and I was REQUIRED to participate. When I think of the thick layers of furniture wax built up on that walnut coffee table she cherished, and how much more the wood grain would have stood out if she actually cleaned it instead of encased it...

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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