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post #16 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:44 AM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

Kids add an interesting and challenging dynamic to a relationship.

As progressive and open minded as I think I am I'd have a problem with your son smoking weed in the house and possibly over "the other stuff" I found in his room all in proximity of my daughter. And I'd take note if someone shined it on. I'm not saying that's what you did nor am I onboard thinking she has some BPD any more than you might.

You both seem to be facing a challenge in problem solving and not on the same page. Perhaps you aren't a good match. Good luck.

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post #17 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:31 AM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

She's not being all that unreasonable, especially with the pot smoking in the house issue which has become "I'm not going to respect her wishes because I did it when I was young so she's just going to have to live with it.

Dude for whatever reasons your second marriage has gone south only 2 years in. Your given reason for staying together is "you didn't get married just to get divorced again", and you take zero responsibility for the problems. It's all "her" fault that she wants a dry bath mat and lights turned off because that's the way she's always done it before you and your son's moved into HER house.

Well the truth is, you entered a marriage with prior children on both sides, and before you even exchanged vows you were looking at a failure rate of abougt 67% based on current statistics.

So the first thing you need to do is be realistic and say "I screwed up and this isn't going to work" and the second thing you do is sit down with her and say "sorry this isn't working lets figure out how to cut our losses here".

Then move on with your life and stop getting married because with an enabled pot smoking son and your inability to dry yourself in the shower before stepping into the mat coupled with your inability to understand and acknowledge the feelings of the person who is supposed to be number one in your life, you don't have a chance at a long term relationship with anyone else either.
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post #18 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:49 AM
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I just have to share this about the mat. I know tons of people who consider it inconsiderate to leave the shower in such a way that the mat gets soaked. First off, step on it in socks and then you have to change your socks. Also, a daily soaked shower mat will get stinky, moldy, mildewed.

I have teenaged sons. Neither are terribly clean and orderly. However!! One got pissed at the other over this very issue. Mat was soaked after younger one took a shower. Older one went in there, stepped on soaked mat, and yelled: what the hell, what did your water break or something?

Pretty amusing.
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post #19 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:53 AM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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I just have to share this about the mat. I know tons of people who consider it inconsiderate to leave the shower in such a way that the mat gets soaked. First off, step on it in socks and then you have to change your socks. Also, a daily soaked shower mat will get stinky, moldy, mildewed.
It's so easy for him to accommodate her concerns about the shower mat, and probably a boatload of other small, reasonable requests but he'd rather complain about how toxic she is because *gasp* she has an issue with his son's continued illegal drug use in HER house.

Some people are just not designed to be parents or relationship partners.
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post #20 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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She's not being all that unreasonable, especially with the pot smoking in the house issue which has become "I'm not going to respect her wishes because I did it when I was young so she's just going to have to live with it.

Dude for whatever reasons your second marriage has gone south only 2 years in. Your given reason for staying together is "you didn't get married just to get divorced again", and you take zero responsibility for the problems. It's all "her" fault that she wants a dry bath mat and lights turned off because that's the way she's always done it before you and your son's moved into HER house.

Well the truth is, you entered a marriage with prior children on both sides, and before you even exchanged vows you were looking at a failure rate of abougt 67% based on current statistics.

So the first thing you need to do is be realistic and say "I screwed up and this isn't going to work" and the second thing you do is sit down with her and say "sorry this isn't working lets figure out how to cut our losses here".

Then move on with your life and stop getting married because with an enabled pot smoking son and your inability to dry yourself in the shower before stepping into the mat coupled with your inability to understand and acknowledge the feelings of the person who is supposed to be number one in your life, you don't have a chance at a long term relationship with anyone else either.

THIS...1,000%

Ciao,

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post #21 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

Thanks to *most* of you who are offering help. My post was just a tiny snapshot, without a lot of back story, and there's so much more. For those of you who just took this as me whining and that I'm not a good husband, blah, blah, blah...well that's your opinion based on pretty much nothing.

Listen, she's a great person when everything is going her way. That's why I still love her, and keep trying. With regards to the whole pot smoking thing. Each time he was caught, I had a discussion with him, and each time I became more stern about it (I'm not afraid of my son, as some mentioned lol). The last time he got caught, I actually went off on him. Why? because he was just not getting it, and I wanted him to stop doing it in the house! A little back story on the pot thing with him. He was bitten by a tick in the summer between 8th and 9th grade and contracted Lyme disease. As a result, he now has refactory Lyme induced arthritis in his knee. He played football from the age of 5, all the way to 9th grade when this disease took a hold on him and he could no longer play football. The kid went through several rounds of oral antibiotics, a 30-day round of IV antibiotics, a knee surgery, several fluid drains, and now he is on a medication which, in higher doses, is for cancer patients. He is 18 and has lived with this for four years. His knee hurts like hell, and it's twice the size of a normal knee. He was taking Advil like it was candy, causing all sorts of stomach problems. His use of pot has been to calm down the pain in his knee. Honestly, I'd rather him do that than take all of these medications which are worse for him. You can have whatever opinion you want on this particular matter, but when you feel powerful enough to deride me, based on what little knowledge you have? lol.

Back to the issue at hand. Yes, I believe she is BPD. No, I don't have a clinical diagnosis. In my last discussion with a therapist, she (a woman), had actually brought that up. Since then, I've done a lot of reading about it (yes, I read it on the internet...so it must be true lol). Back when we first started counseling, I went first, by myself. Then, she wanted to go to the counselor together, with which I replied, Sure! Over the next two sessions, I did most of the talking, she did most of the crying, and in the end, nothing was solved. She began going to a counselor on her own because she said she had things to work on. However, one day, she came home after a session and came up to my office (I work from home), stood in the doorway with a huge chip on her shoulder and just started to rattle things off at me about how right she was and how wrong I was. Well, isn't that dandy. See, the problem I have counseling (and it goes both ways), is that when you are one-on-one with a counselor, you can say anything about the other person -whether it be true or not, and that other person isn't there to defend him or herself. So, what the counselor gets is a one-way story, and that's just not the truth. Looking back at our counseling sessions together, it's interesting to see this pattern...we go together, I explain my issues, she cries, counselor feels bad, gives us some games to play with each other, things get a little better, a few weeks later...back to where we were. At any time in those sessions, she *could* have stood up and discussed what was going on in her perspective, but she didn't. Who is the victim here? And mind you, I wasn't being mean at all, just stating facts from my perspective. I wasn't trying to bash her in any way...I'm not like that. I prefer discussion over arguing. I prefer logic over emotion...her? Completely opposite (and I'm not saying that to be mean. It's just the difference between us, but at some point, you need to actually have a dialog, not just one-sided yelling and then not talking at all).

Here's another prime example of what I go through on a regular basis. A couple years ago, we were both in the kitchen. I had a runny nose from my allergies. So, I took a piece of paper from the paper towel roll (it's the half sheet kind, which I only took a half), and used it to blow my nose. She got mad that I did that. Of course, I was floored. How does a grown person get mad at another grown person for using a piece of paper towel to blow their nose?

Here's another thing that just bugs the crap out of me. Social media. She is constantly posting things on FB, Instagram, Snapchat without actually tagging or mentioning me, but I (and all of our friends) know exactly who she is directing this at. Like seriously? You can't discuss your issues about me with me so we can figure things out? Noooo...post it on social media for everyone else to wonder. That, in my opinion, is just childish.

You want to hear more of the things that have happened? I can keep going....One morning about 7am, I was awoken to very loud music outside the house. When I came downstairs, she asked me why I was up so early (I'm not a morning person..I work from home, and I am not a good sleeper). I said your car radio sounds like a band playing next door, that's what woke me up. Her response...."Well, it's been louder than that before". No apology, nothing but that comment. Now, if the roles were reversed, I would have said, "Oh, I'm sorry!"...but that's just me.

If I say it's cold in the house, she says it isn't. If I say I'm hot, she says it's not. Basically, if it doesn't affect her..it doesn't exist. If someone says they're cold (just a bit of conversation...nobody has to do anything about it...sweaters do exist) then they must be spoiled. If I say I'm not feeling well, I'll get a "hmm". Huh?

Basically, any "feeling" that I have is completely ignored and invalidated by her. My music is bad, hers is the best. The movies I like are awful...but she will watch the same 4 or 5 movies all the time. There was a week or so where Devil Wears Prada was on several times...and she would watch it each time. I can't do that...if I've seen a move a couple times, it's enough for me. Watching the same things over and over just drives me crazy (I'm not a big TV watcher anyways).

I could go on and on and on. Many of you will have your opinions, and that's all well and good. Yes, I've allowed a lot of this to continue, and that's on me. But none of you are in my shoes, so before you become judgmental, step back and look at your perfect life. For those of you who have words of wisdom, empathy, understanding, and constructive criticism - thank you.

Last edited by nikonova; 03-13-2017 at 11:38 AM.
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post #22 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Originally Posted by nikonova View Post
Thanks to *most* of you who are offering help. My post was just a tiny snapshot, without a lot of back story, and there's so much more. For those of you who just took this as me whining and that I'm not a good husband, blah, blah, blah...well that's your opinion based on pretty much nothing.

You can have whatever opinion you want on this particular matter, but when you feel powerful enough to deride me, based on what little knowledge you have? lol.
All we have to work with is what you told us in your post, it was your choice to include particular examples and backstory, and from those examples I have the opinion that you are insensitive, inconsiderate to her feelings and quick to make a big deal out of minor issues that you could simple agree to- such as drying yourself off in the shower and preventing your son from smoking pot in her house- but once again you rationalize and justify it (he's got a medical issue that is helped by the weed) rather than accepting the fact that you are being unreasonable.

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Basically, any "feeling" that I have is completely ignored and invalidated by her..
Which is exactly how she thinks of you.
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post #23 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

If he has a legitimate medical issue, then get him some edibles. No need to smoke it.
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post #24 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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All we have to work with is what you told us in your post, it was your choice to include particular examples and backstory, and from those examples I have the opinion that you are insensitive, inconsiderate to her feelings and quick to make a big deal out of minor issues that you could simple agree to- such as drying yourself off in the shower and preventing your son from smoking pot in her house- but once again you rationalize and justify it (he's got a medical issue that is helped by the weed) rather than accepting the fact that you are being unreasonable.



Which is exactly how she thinks of you.
Actually, I'm very sensitive and considerate...but there's a limit to it. When you continually bend over backwards to meet another person's expectations (however unreal they seem to be at times), and still get **** for it....there's a point where you take a step back. As far as the bath mat thing goes...let's continue on this, for the sake of being petty. A bath mat, is first and foremost, a bath mat, and only a bath mat. It's intended use is to soak up excess water so the water isn't all over the floor. Pretty basic item, use and purpose. Now, I dry myself off as best as I can before I exit the shower. With one exception - I don't dry the bottom of my feet off. Why? Well the tub is constantly getting plugged up, so it's completely pointless to dry the bottoms of my feet off, as they will just get wet again. I'm not going to move the shower curtain all the way over, sit on the edge of the tub, dry one foot off, place it outside of the shower, dry the other foot off, and then proceed to stand on the bath mat. The mat doesn't get so wet that you could wring it out...I never knew that a bath mat could create so much drama!

I'm actually a very reasonable person. When a reasonable person tries to work with a unreasonable person, that's where the problems begin. I am flexible and reasonable, she is stiff and unwavering -not wanting discussion, just do as I want, do as I say, when I say it. I don't do well in a totalitarian environment. I do well in a equal partnership, where each individual has as much say as the other. That is just not the case here. It's her way or the highway -and believe me you, I've given in to her way more often than not, just to satisfy her so there isn't an argument.....
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post #25 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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As far as the bath mat thing goes...let's continue on this, for the sake of being petty. A bath mat, is first and foremost, a bath mat, and only a bath mat. It's intended use is to soak up excess water so the water isn't all over the floor. Pretty basic item, use and purpose. Now, I dry myself off as best as I can before I exit the shower. With one exception - I don't dry the bottom of my feet off. Why? Well the tub is constantly getting plugged up, so it's completely pointless to dry the bottoms of my feet off, as they will just get wet again
Did it ever occur to you that you can unplug the drain?

That's what guys do, they take care of the home and fix stuff like that. You remove the little drain cover with the holes in it, take a pair of pliars, and insert the handle ends into the crisscross drain and turn it counterclockwise until you remove the drain plug along with a ton of hair. Then, you apply plumbers putty around the inside of the drain flange that you just removed, (roll it up like a worm then wrap it around the flange) and screw it back on again. Total time less than 5 minutes. Total points earned with your happy wife? More than you lose by not fixing the problem and soaking her bath mat despite her repeated requests to the contrary.

I'll bet if you said to her "does it bother you that I don't fix little things around the house like clogged shower drains" she'd nod emphatically in the affirmative, especially since it probably was not an issue when there were less people living there-before you and your two sons moved in and added to the need for home maintenance.

Instead, you ignore her request to dry off in the tub, because the drain is clogged which is something that you should naturally fix rather than use as a justification for a habit that she finds objectionable.

Sorry man I'm just trying to help but the more you write the more I just shake my head and think "he just doesn't get it".
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post #26 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

Grow some balls and tell your son to stop smoking or go back to his mom's house. Sounds like she has no respect for you.

You're raising a future loser. Do you consider yourself successful? Do you want your son to be just like you?

Let me ask you this. Do you see things improving once your son graduates HS and moves out? At the very least, once he graduates HS, he's out of the house. If not, you two should go move into your own place and get back to happier times.
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post #27 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Yet, for purposes of deciding whether to stay married, it really does not matter whether your W's BPD traits are full-blown or not. A woman whose symptoms satisfy only 70% or 80% of the diagnostic guidelines (thus "not having BPD") can be nearly as impossible to live with as a woman satisfying 100% (thus "having BPD").
Wow, Uptown, your posts on this subject are always so fascinating. Do you have an opinion on whether or not a woman whose symptoms are less than full on BPD can/will get better with treatment more readily than one with full on BPD? Or if someone's spouse is 70 - 80% is it pretty unlikely they'll ever be a good partner?
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post #28 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Did it ever occur to you that you can unplug the drain?

That's what guys do, they take care of the home and fix stuff like that. You remove the little drain cover with the holes in it, take a pair of pliars, and insert the handle ends into the crisscross drain and turn it counterclockwise until you remove the drain plug along with a ton of hair. Then, you apply plumbers putty around the inside of the drain flange that you just removed, (roll it up like a worm then wrap it around the flange) and screw it back on again. Total time less than 5 minutes. Total points earned with your happy wife? More than you lose by not fixing the problem and soaking her bath mat despite her repeated requests to the contrary.

I'll bet if you said to her "does it bother you that I don't fix little things around the house like clogged shower drains" she'd nod emphatically in the affirmative, especially since it probably was not an issue when there were less people living there-before you and your two sons moved in and added to the need for home maintenance.

Instead, you ignore her request to dry off in the tub, because the drain is clogged which is something that you should naturally fix rather than use as a justification for a habit that she finds objectionable.

Sorry man I'm just trying to help but the more you write the more I just shake my head and think "he just doesn't get it".
Dude. Ok, a little more back story for you. The drain gets clogged all the time, it's old plumbing. We've used all of the strong liquid drain cleaners we can find to unclog it...but it just continues to clog. We don't have the $ to hire a plumber to basically replace the pipes all the way down to the main drain. You are making assumptions without asking further questions to base your responses on my friend. I think you really just want me to be wrong or the bad guy, not quite sure. When I first moved in, of course, if I saw something that need fixing, I would take it upon myself to fix it. However, walking past her sitting on the couch with a screwdriver in my hand, she would ask me "What are you doing with that?", which my reply would be that "XYZ is loose, so I'm going to fix it". She would say, "No, I'll get it". This happened several times where I was not just questioned what I was doing, I felt interrogated. That's irritating. I can fix just about anything and everything -and not half-assed in case you were going to say something there. This type of behavior has decreased over time....but it still rears it's ugly head. Actually, the more I read your comments, the more I think "(S/He) just doesn't get it", so touche. See...there really is no "happy wife" as you mention -maybe YOURS is happy when you do stuff, mine...just critical or condescending, or something other than ok and thankful (not that she needs to thank me, adults do a lot of thankless stuff...it's just the way it is). Yea, I'm done with discussing the bath mat thing. I appreciate your willingness to provide me with instructions on how to fix a drain, I had no idea. .
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post #29 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

So you basically look the other way while your son smokes weed in her house that you moved in to, but she's toxic and you're the victim.

Ok then.

If you think you're such a good deal and you can do better then divorce her and give it a shot.

Good luck....you are going to need a lot of it.

On a side note it never ceases to amaze me how many psychiatrists we have here on TAM that are capable of diagnosing mental disorders based on one side of the story (and the diagnosed person isn't even present). Licensed psychiatrists would be troubled to know that their education was a complete waste because it seems to takes so little to do their job.
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post #30 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

Face it. You only knew the woman 3 months before you moved in with her. Now, you feel as though you have to make it work or you'll have another failure on your hands. You two are not compatible and it doesn't necessarily mean it's because she has BPD (which gets thrown around a lot here when the guy thinks the woman is unreasonable).

Cut your losses and move on. It can't be any harder than breaking down and buying an extra bath mat or telling your son to drive down the street and smoke pot in his car.
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