Just don't know anymore... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:44 PM Thread Starter
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You apparent haven't read everything in this post. Didn't look the other way, as you suggest. Just didn't beat my kid into submission. He was scolded for his actions. But, hey, who am I to parent my son in a way that I believe in. Oh, and did you go to college for anything? I'm curious what you do for a living. You seem to know a lot about psychology.
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post #32 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:49 PM
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Is marijuana even legal in your state?
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post #33 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:51 PM
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FYI re the mat. White standing in the shower, you can lift one foot up a few inches, dry it off, set it outside the shower on the mat, all dry, then lift the other and dry that one, set it down.
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post #34 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

OK, you've turned me some. Now she's starting to get on my nerves, LOL

Are you able to have a conversation with her about your relationship? Does she have a common theme to what is at the root of her unhappiness? If she is BPD, there may not be a solution other than divorce. But if she's just a typical woman who has become increasingly hysterical because she feels her complaints/concerns aren't taken seriously I still think you can turn things around following the stuff I linked to you previously on the marriagebuilders.com website.

The bathmat issue I can see, getting mad at you for blowing your nose on a paper towel? WTF? That definitely sounds hyper-critical.

BTW - Smoking anything is not healthy for your son either. I'd look into real medical marijuana. They have some now where it has less of the THC and more of the other compound so it doesn't mess with the brain as much. Studies are coming out linking pot with schizophrenia and other issues. It's not necessarily harmless, especially if your son is using it regularly. Also, marijuana aside - many people don't allow smoking inside their homes, period. The smell gets in the paint and carpeting and irritates other's allergies. So smokers step outside. If that's the issue with your son, I know teens are by nature selfish, inconsiderate and usually forgetful, but if he can't pull it together enough to remember to smoke outside (or maybe in the garage for privacy?) then maybe he doesn't need any more marijuana...

One last question - you didn't say if you're paying half the mortgage. What is the financial situation between the two of you? I'm wondering if she is the main breadwinner and feels frustrated by that and that's why she blew a gasket over your use of a paper towel?



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Originally Posted by nikonova View Post
Thanks to *most* of you who are offering help. My post was just a tiny snapshot, without a lot of back story, and there's so much more. For those of you who just took this as me whining and that I'm not a good husband, blah, blah, blah...well that's your opinion based on pretty much nothing.

Listen, she's a great person when everything is going her way. That's why I still love her, and keep trying. With regards to the whole pot smoking thing. Each time he was caught, I had a discussion with him, and each time I became more stern about it (I'm not afraid of my son, as some mentioned lol). The last time he got caught, I actually went off on him. Why? because he was just not getting it, and I wanted him to stop doing it in the house! A little back story on the pot thing with him. He was bitten by a tick in the summer between 8th and 9th grade and contracted Lyme disease. As a result, he now has refactory Lyme induced arthritis in his knee. He played football from the age of 5, all the way to 9th grade when this disease took a hold on him and he could no longer play football. The kid went through several rounds of oral antibiotics, a 30-day round of IV antibiotics, a knee surgery, several fluid drains, and now he is on a medication which, in higher doses, is for cancer patients. He is 18 and has lived with this for four years. His knee hurts like hell, and it's twice the size of a normal knee. He was taking Advil like it was candy, causing all sorts of stomach problems. His use of pot has been to calm down the pain in his knee. Honestly, I'd rather him do that than take all of these medications which are worse for him. You can have whatever opinion you want on this particular matter, but when you feel powerful enough to deride me, based on what little knowledge you have? lol.

Back to the issue at hand. Yes, I believe she is BPD. No, I don't have a clinical diagnosis. In my last discussion with a therapist, she (a woman), had actually brought that up. Since then, I've done a lot of reading about it (yes, I read it on the internet...so it must be true lol). Back when we first started counseling, I went first, by myself. Then, she wanted to go to the counselor together, with which I replied, Sure! Over the next two sessions, I did most of the talking, she did most of the crying, and in the end, nothing was solved. She began going to a counselor on her own because she said she had things to work on. However, one day, she came home after a session and came up to my office (I work from home), stood in the doorway with a huge chip on her shoulder and just started to rattle things off at me about how right she was and how wrong I was. Well, isn't that dandy. See, the problem I have counseling (and it goes both ways), is that when you are one-on-one with a counselor, you can say anything about the other person -whether it be true or not, and that other person isn't there to defend him or herself. So, what the counselor gets is a one-way story, and that's just not the truth. Looking back at our counseling sessions together, it's interesting to see this pattern...we go together, I explain my issues, she cries, counselor feels bad, gives us some games to play with each other, things get a little better, a few weeks later...back to where we were. At any time in those sessions, she *could* have stood up and discussed what was going on in her perspective, but she didn't. Who is the victim here? And mind you, I wasn't being mean at all, just stating facts from my perspective. I wasn't trying to bash her in any way...I'm not like that. I prefer discussion over arguing. I prefer logic over emotion...her? Completely opposite (and I'm not saying that to be mean. It's just the difference between us, but at some point, you need to actually have a dialog, not just one-sided yelling and then not talking at all).

Here's another prime example of what I go through on a regular basis. A couple years ago, we were both in the kitchen. I had a runny nose from my allergies. So, I took a piece of paper from the paper towel roll (it's the half sheet kind, which I only took a half), and used it to blow my nose. She got mad that I did that. Of course, I was floored. How does a grown person get mad at another grown person for using a piece of paper towel to blow their nose?

Here's another thing that just bugs the crap out of me. Social media. She is constantly posting things on FB, Instagram, Snapchat without actually tagging or mentioning me, but I (and all of our friends) know exactly who she is directing this at. Like seriously? You can't discuss your issues about me with me so we can figure things out? Noooo...post it on social media for everyone else to wonder. That, in my opinion, is just childish.

You want to hear more of the things that have happened? I can keep going....One morning about 7am, I was awoken to very loud music outside the house. When I came downstairs, she asked me why I was up so early (I'm not a morning person..I work from home, and I am not a good sleeper). I said your car radio sounds like a band playing next door, that's what woke me up. Her response...."Well, it's been louder than that before". No apology, nothing but that comment. Now, if the roles were reversed, I would have said, "Oh, I'm sorry!"...but that's just me.

If I say it's cold in the house, she says it isn't. If I say I'm hot, she says it's not. Basically, if it doesn't affect her..it doesn't exist. If someone says they're cold (just a bit of conversation...nobody has to do anything about it...sweaters do exist) then they must be spoiled. If I say I'm not feeling well, I'll get a "hmm". Huh?

Basically, any "feeling" that I have is completely ignored and invalidated by her. My music is bad, hers is the best. The movies I like are awful...but she will watch the same 4 or 5 movies all the time. There was a week or so where Devil Wears Prada was on several times...and she would watch it each time. I can't do that...if I've seen a move a couple times, it's enough for me. Watching the same things over and over just drives me crazy (I'm not a big TV watcher anyways).

I could go on and on and on. Many of you will have your opinions, and that's all well and good. Yes, I've allowed a lot of this to continue, and that's on me. But none of you are in my shoes, so before you become judgmental, step back and look at your perfect life. For those of you who have words of wisdom, empathy, understanding, and constructive criticism - thank you.
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post #35 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

Blondilocks, well, you may be right there. I did move in fairly soon, but we lived together for 2 years before getting married. You'd think that would be enough time to get to know someone. I did see the signs, but I ignored them, shrugged them off. My bad. Ugh with the bath mat. I'm sorry I ever even brought it up. Who knew it could cause so much grief, and people would have very strong opinions about it lol.
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post #36 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:58 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
Did it ever occur to you that you can unplug the drain? ...

That's what guys do, they take care of the home and fix stuff like that. You remove the little drain cover with the holes in it, take a pair of pliars, and insert the handle ends into the crisscross drain and turn it counterclockwise until you remove the drain plug along with a ton of hair. Then, you apply plumbers putty around the inside of the drain flange that you just removed, (roll it up like a worm then wrap it around the flange) and screw it back on again. Total time less than 5 minutes. Total points earned with your happy wife? More than you lose by not fixing the problem and soaking her bath mat despite her repeated requests to the contrary.
That is very valuable information, thank you!
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post #37 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

Medical is, casual is not.
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post #38 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

nikonova,

What state do you live in? Is post for medical use legal in your state?

So, if you cannot dry your feet off completely after a shower, get to mats. Or get a bathroom rug for her to stand on when she does her hair. Does she get the bath mat wet when she gets out of the shower?

The bottom line here is that you two cannot seem to work together to create a good relationship. You cannot change her. The only person you can change is yourself. So that's where your effort needs to be.. on yourself.

It seems to me that the only solution here is for you to divorce her. Get your own place with your son.

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post #39 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Originally Posted by nikonova View Post
Medical is, casual is not.
Does your son of a prescription for medical pot?

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post #40 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Medical is, casual is not.
If your son has not been prescribed marijuana by a licensed physician then it's illegal and of course he's using it illegally and of course you know this, but you're ok with it.

Before I drop off this thread completely I'll leave you with the thought that allowing your son to smoke marijuana in your wife's home is a CRIME.

Even though "you did it yourself so it's ok".

As others have said, good luck, you sir are going to need a big dose of it because it's all you have going for you at the moment.
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post #41 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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OK, you've turned me some. Now she's starting to get on my nerves, LOL

Are you able to have a conversation with her about your relationship? Does she have a common theme to what is at the root of her unhappiness? If she is BPD, there may not be a solution other than divorce. But if she's just a typical woman who has become increasingly hysterical because she feels her complaints/concerns aren't taken seriously I still think you can turn things around following the stuff I linked to you previously on the marriagebuilders.com website.

The bathmat issue I can see, getting mad at you for blowing your nose on a paper towel? WTF? That definitely sounds hyper-critical.

BTW - Smoking anything is not healthy for your son either. I'd look into real medical marijuana. They have some now where it has less of the THC and more of the other compound so it doesn't mess with the brain as much. Studies are coming out linking pot with schizophrenia and other issues. It's not necessarily harmless, especially if your son is using it regularly. Also, marijuana aside - many people don't allow smoking inside their homes, period. The smell gets in the paint and carpeting and irritates other's allergies. So smokers step outside. If that's the issue with your son, I know teens are by nature selfish, inconsiderate and usually forgetful, but if he can't pull it together enough to remember to smoke outside (or maybe in the garage for privacy?) then maybe he doesn't need any more marijuana...

One last question - you didn't say if you're paying half the mortgage. What is the financial situation between the two of you? I'm wondering if she is the main breadwinner and feels frustrated by that and that's why she blew a gasket over your use of a paper towel?
We used to have conversations, but they never really went anywhere. She listened, I listened, we both took what we took out of it, but nothing was really done. Of course, I tried to see things her way, and sometimes I could...and tried to go about it differently. But, in her mind, she is never wrong, at all. BWT - She's a perfectionist in everything she does, so if she didn't do it, then it's wrong.

Yes, smoking anything is bad for you. Walking across the street can be bad for you too. I have curtailed his pot smoking in the house and that hasn't been an issue. Of course, he will argue with me until the cow comes home..."pot has never killed anyone"...and those sorts of things. He must have read it on the internet...so it must be true. I'm sure he hasn't read any "real" studies -which I have pointed out to him as informative for evaluating his use of it.

Financial situation - I pay half of everything and then some. We keep our finances separate. We both have our own checking accounts, and a joint account where we both put money into to pay the bills. I know she doesn't like the separate finances thing, but that's a whole other story that I won't get into here from my past where I had only a joint account and the money just kept going missing.....In the end, I pay my bills every single paycheck.

Listen, I'm not perfect -no one is. I don't pretend to be perfect by any means. I own up to my mistakes (and I've made them many times), and try to learn from them. I love the anonymity of the internet lol. It gives people power beyond their reach to say any damn thing they want, at any time, with no recourse. For those of you that are perfect, I salute you! You win the internet.
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post #42 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Blondilocks, well, you may be right there. I did move in fairly soon, but we lived together for 2 years before getting married. You'd think that would be enough time to get to know someone. I did see the signs, but I ignored them, shrugged them off. My bad. Ugh with the bath mat. I'm sorry I ever even brought it up. Who knew it could cause so much grief, and people would have very strong opinions about it lol.
The bit about the bath mat was actually a very good thing for you to bring up. It's very telling.

There is an old joke about marriage... A couple goes to marriage counseling. After several appointments it seems that the couple is getting nowhere. Then in one session the wife blurts out "But you all ways leave the top off the toothpaste!" To this the counselor replied: "Oh, I did not it was this serious."

The point is that when the little things get turned into big things that a couple cannot resolve, it's a symptom that the relationship is so seriously broken that probably cannot be fixed.

The solution to the bath mat thing is so easy that it's ridiculous that it's even an issue. You are both being hard headed about it. It is reasonable that she does not want to step on a wet mat. I gave you an easy solution... 2 mats/rugs. Instead of coming up with an easy solution, you want to stick to your argument that the mat is there to step on with wet feet. She wants to stick to the argument that she wants a dry mat to stand on. And there the two of you stand, horns locked.... completely ignoring the many simple solutions that could put an immediate end to the argument. So clearly, you two want to argue.

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post #43 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
If your son has not been prescribed marijuana by a licensed physician then it's illegal and of course he's using it illegally and of course you know this, but you're ok with it.

Before I drop off this thread completely I'll leave you with the thought that allowing your son to smoke marijuana in your wife's home is a CRIME.

Even though "you did it yourself so it's ok".

As others have said, good luck, you sir are going to need a big dose of it because it's all you have going for you at the moment.
Do you always drive the speed limit -I mean to the tee and always? If so, kudos to you. I didn't say I was "ok" with it...I've told him that I do not like the fact that he's doing it (and doing it in her house), and that it's harmful. Thank you for the criminal law information. I'm sure you'll see him on America's Most Wanted sometime soon for your enjoyment.
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post #44 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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The bit about the bath mat was actually a very good thing for you to bring up. It's very telling.

There is an old joke about marriage... A couple goes to marriage counseling. After several appointments it seems that the couple is getting nowhere. Then in one session the wife blurts out "But you all ways leave the top off the toothpaste!" To this the counselor replied: "Oh, I did not it was this serious."

The point is that when the little things get turned into big things that a couple cannot resolve, it's a symptom that the relationship is so seriously broken that probably cannot be fixed.

The solution to the bath mat thing is so easy that it's ridiculous that it's even an issue. You are both being hard headed about it. It is reasonable that she does not want to step on a wet mat. I gave you an easy solution... 2 mats/rugs. Instead of coming up with an easy solution, you want to stick to your argument that the mat is there to step on with wet feet. She wants to stick to the argument that she wants a dry mat to stand on. And there the two of you stand, horns locked.... completely ignoring the many simple solutions that could put an immediate end to the argument. So clearly, you two want to argue.
Well, I really don't want to argue about it. Oddly enough, if I just ignore her outbursts about the mat, guess what...I won't hear anything about it until the next time. What we need is a his & hers bathroom lol. We have one shower in the house (at one time we had 6 people living here - 4 kids and two adults). Not everyone has the same bath mat etiquette, especially when it comes to kids/young adults. I don't want a soaking wet bath mat just much as the other person, and if it was completely soaking wet all the time, I'd ask who was doing it and ask them to please dry off in the shower a little better. If there's a couple of lightly wet footprints on the bath mat, THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR! I'm 47 years old and as far as I can remember back, the bath mat was there to catch any drips of water and for no other reason other (well, except for keeping your feet a bit warmer and keeping you from slipping on the floor). I'm just trying to imagine what others are picturing in their minds here to keep this bath mat issue going...picture me standing on the bath mat while I douse myself with a bucket of water lol. I'm actually beginning to laugh at this issue that people are so willing to attach to. #notmybathmat haha.
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post #45 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Well, I really don't want to argue about it. Oddly enough, if I just ignore her outbursts about the mat, guess what...I won't hear anything about it until the next time. What we need is a his & hers bathroom lol. We have one shower in the house (at one time we had 6 people living here - 4 kids and two adults). Not everyone has the same bath mat etiquette, especially when it comes to kids/young adults. I don't want a soaking wet bath mat just much as the other person, and if it was completely soaking wet all the time, I'd ask who was doing it and ask them to please dry off in the shower a little better. If there's a couple of lightly wet footprints on the bath mat, THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR! I'm 47 years old and as far as I can remember back, the bath mat was there to catch any drips of water and for no other reason other (well, except for keeping your feet a bit warmer and keeping you from slipping on the floor). I'm just trying to imagine what others are picturing in their minds here to keep this bath mat issue going...picture me standing on the bath mat while I douse myself with a bucket of water lol. I'm actually beginning to laugh at this issue that people are so willing to attach to. #notmybathmat haha.
It's not the flipping bath mat. It's that there is simple solution and you have no interest in the solution.

Why is she standing on a bath mat when she does her hair? Is the bathroom so small that there is only enough room for one small bath matt on the floor? Is there room for a small bathroom rug that is always dry?

The issue is that you want to argue about the purpose of a bath mat instead of implementing a simple solution. You want to argue.

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