OK, you've turned me some. Now she's starting to get on my nerves, LOL
Are you able to have a conversation with her about your relationship? Does she have a common theme to what is at the root of her unhappiness? If she is BPD, there may not be a solution other than divorce. But if she's just a typical woman who has become increasingly hysterical because she feels her complaints/concerns aren't taken seriously I still think you can turn things around following the stuff I linked to you previously on the marriagebuilders.com website.
The bathmat issue I can see, getting mad at you for blowing your nose on a paper towel? WTF? That definitely sounds hyper-critical.
BTW - Smoking anything
is not healthy for your son either. I'd look into real medical marijuana. They have some now where it has less of the THC and more of the other compound so it doesn't mess with the brain as much. Studies are coming out linking pot with schizophrenia and other issues. It's not necessarily harmless, especially if your son is using it regularly. Also, marijuana aside - many people don't allow smoking inside their homes, period. The smell gets in the paint and carpeting and irritates other's allergies. So smokers step outside. If that's the issue with your son, I know teens are by nature selfish, inconsiderate and usually forgetful, but if he can't pull it together enough to remember to smoke outside (or maybe in the garage for privacy?) then maybe he doesn't need any more marijuana...
One last question - you didn't say if you're paying half the mortgage. What is the financial situation between the two of you? I'm wondering if she is the main breadwinner and feels frustrated by that and that's why she blew a gasket over your use of a paper towel?
Thanks to *most* of you who are offering help. My post was just a tiny snapshot, without a lot of back story, and there's so much more. For those of you who just took this as me whining and that I'm not a good husband, blah, blah, blah...well that's your opinion based on pretty much nothing.
Listen, she's a great person when everything is going her way. That's why I still love her, and keep trying. With regards to the whole pot smoking thing. Each time he was caught, I had a discussion with him, and each time I became more stern about it (I'm not afraid of my son, as some mentioned lol). The last time he got caught, I actually went off on him. Why? because he was just not getting it, and I wanted him to stop doing it in the house! A little back story on the pot thing with him. He was bitten by a tick in the summer between 8th and 9th grade and contracted Lyme disease. As a result, he now has refactory Lyme induced arthritis in his knee. He played football from the age of 5, all the way to 9th grade when this disease took a hold on him and he could no longer play football. The kid went through several rounds of oral antibiotics, a 30-day round of IV antibiotics, a knee surgery, several fluid drains, and now he is on a medication which, in higher doses, is for cancer patients. He is 18 and has lived with this for four years. His knee hurts like hell, and it's twice the size of a normal knee. He was taking Advil like it was candy, causing all sorts of stomach problems. His use of pot has been to calm down the pain in his knee. Honestly, I'd rather him do that than take all of these medications which are worse for him. You can have whatever opinion you want on this particular matter, but when you feel powerful enough to deride me, based on what little knowledge you have? lol.
Back to the issue at hand. Yes, I believe she is BPD. No, I don't have a clinical diagnosis. In my last discussion with a therapist, she (a woman), had actually brought that up. Since then, I've done a lot of reading about it (yes, I read it on the internet...so it must be true lol). Back when we first started counseling, I went first, by myself. Then, she wanted to go to the counselor together, with which I replied, Sure! Over the next two sessions, I did most of the talking, she did most of the crying, and in the end, nothing was solved. She began going to a counselor on her own because she said she had things to work on. However, one day, she came home after a session and came up to my office (I work from home), stood in the doorway with a huge chip on her shoulder and just started to rattle things off at me about how right she was and how wrong I was. Well, isn't that dandy. See, the problem I have counseling (and it goes both ways), is that when you are one-on-one with a counselor, you can say anything about the other person -whether it be true or not, and that other person isn't there to defend him or herself. So, what the counselor gets is a one-way story, and that's just not the truth. Looking back at our counseling sessions together, it's interesting to see this pattern...we go together, I explain my issues, she cries, counselor feels bad, gives us some games to play with each other, things get a little better, a few weeks later...back to where we were. At any time in those sessions, she *could* have stood up and discussed what was going on in her perspective, but she didn't. Who is the victim here? And mind you, I wasn't being mean at all, just stating facts from my perspective. I wasn't trying to bash her in any way...I'm not like that. I prefer discussion over arguing. I prefer logic over emotion...her? Completely opposite (and I'm not saying that to be mean. It's just the difference between us, but at some point, you need to actually have a dialog, not just one-sided yelling and then not talking at all).
Here's another prime example of what I go through on a regular basis. A couple years ago, we were both in the kitchen. I had a runny nose from my allergies. So, I took a piece of paper from the paper towel roll (it's the half sheet kind, which I only took a half), and used it to blow my nose. She got mad that I did that. Of course, I was floored. How does a grown person get mad at another grown person for using a piece of paper towel to blow their nose?
Here's another thing that just bugs the crap out of me. Social media. She is constantly posting things on FB, Instagram, Snapchat without actually tagging or mentioning me, but I (and all of our friends) know exactly who she is directing this at. Like seriously? You can't discuss your issues about me with me so we can figure things out? Noooo...post it on social media for everyone else to wonder. That, in my opinion, is just childish.
You want to hear more of the things that have happened? I can keep going....One morning about 7am, I was awoken to very loud music outside the house. When I came downstairs, she asked me why I was up so early (I'm not a morning person..I work from home, and I am not a good sleeper). I said your car radio sounds like a band playing next door, that's what woke me up. Her response...."Well, it's been louder than that before". No apology, nothing but that comment. Now, if the roles were reversed, I would have said, "Oh, I'm sorry!"...but that's just me.
If I say it's cold in the house, she says it isn't. If I say I'm hot, she says it's not. Basically, if it doesn't affect her..it doesn't exist. If someone says they're cold (just a bit of conversation...nobody has to do anything about it...sweaters do exist) then they must be spoiled. If I say I'm not feeling well, I'll get a "hmm". Huh?
Basically, any "feeling" that I have is completely ignored and invalidated by her. My music is bad, hers is the best. The movies I like are awful...but she will watch the same 4 or 5 movies all the time. There was a week or so where Devil Wears Prada was on several times...and she would watch it each time. I can't do that...if I've seen a move a couple times, it's enough for me. Watching the same things over and over just drives me crazy (I'm not a big TV watcher anyways).
I could go on and on and on. Many of you will have your opinions, and that's all well and good. Yes, I've allowed a lot of this to continue, and that's on me. But none of you are in my shoes, so before you become judgmental, step back and look at your perfect life. For those of you who have words of wisdom, empathy, understanding, and constructive criticism - thank you.