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post #46 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

Does your son have a prescription for medical pot?
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post #47 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Do you always drive the speed limit -I mean to the tee and always? If so, kudos to you.
I speed all the time.

But when my girlfriend asks me to slow down, I do it. rather an argue about why it's ok to keep right on speeding.

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Well, I really don't want to argue about it. Oddly enough, if I just ignore her outbursts about the mat, guess what...I won't hear anything about it until the next time.:
That is not the way to solve the problem. Just because she stops complaining doesn't mean she's satisfied with your response, which is to do nothing but ignore her.

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I didn't say I was "ok" with it...I've told him that I do not like the fact that he's doing it (and doing it in her house), and that it's harmful.
You didn't try hard enough to stop him. And your wife knows this. Did you not say to her "I did it when I was younger and I don't think it's such a terrible thing?". Of course you did. And that my friend is why you are depressed, miserable, and in a rapidly failing marriage.

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Yes, smoking anything is bad for you. Walking across the street can be bad for you too.
With this sort of response, you wonder why your wife has become increasingly frustrated with you?

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Listen, I'm not perfect -no one is. I don't pretend to be perfect by any means. I own up to my mistakes (and I've made them many times), and try to learn from them.
You're not doing such a good job of it.

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post #48 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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We used to have conversations, but they never really went anywhere. She listened, I listened, we both took what we took out of it, but nothing was really done. Of course, I tried to see things her way, and sometimes I could...and tried to go about it differently. But, in her mind, she is never wrong, at all. BWT - She's a perfectionist in everything she does, so if she didn't do it, then it's wrong.
It is very hard to live with a "perfectionist" especially one who is always right. If she's that bad I really think you should consider cutting your losses and getting out. Whether she is toxic or not, you obviously find the environment toxic and I wonder how it affects your sons. You don't want to disrupt their lives again, but how is their experience living with her?

If you do want to try something to save this though, I really hope you will look at the marriagebuilders.com site I told you about and their stuff. They take a different approach than marriage counselors and may be able to help you turn things around by changing how you interact, and since she's obviously not happy either, if you could get her on board and you could do it together it might really work. Worst case scenario you'll learn a lot for future relationships to go much better.

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Yes, smoking anything is bad for you. Walking across the street can be bad for you too. I have curtailed his pot smoking in the house and that hasn't been an issue. Of course, he will argue with me until the cow comes home..."pot has never killed anyone"...and those sorts of things. He must have read it on the internet...so it must be true. I'm sure he hasn't read any "real" studies -which I have pointed out to him as informative for evaluating his use of it.
I understand. I have a nephew like this. Total health and fitness nut in other ways, but apparently marijuana is some panacea from mother nature that the govt. is trying to keep from us so big pharma and evil doctors can make money with things that don't work and he thinks nothing of smoking it daily.

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Financial situation - I pay half of everything and then some. We keep our finances separate. We both have our own checking accounts, and a joint account where we both put money into to pay the bills. I know she doesn't like the separate finances thing, but that's a whole other story that I won't get into here from my past where I had only a joint account and the money just kept going missing.....In the end, I pay my bills every single paycheck.
Thanks for answering, I was thinking she may feel resentful/financially insecure if you're just living in the house she's buying, but it sounds like that should not be the case. I understand her not liking separate finances, but I also understand your doing them. My H and I have everything combined and I'm the 90% bread winner right now and I'm in a very bad/vulnerable position because of it.

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Listen, I'm not perfect -no one is. I don't pretend to be perfect by any means. I own up to my mistakes (and I've made them many times), and try to learn from them. I love the anonymity of the internet lol. It gives people power beyond their reach to say any damn thing they want, at any time, with no recourse. For those of you that are perfect, I salute you! You win the internet.
[/QUOTE]

You're right, no one is perfect. Especially not people who get off on slapping down total strangers on the Internet. But there is also the good side of the anonymity of the internet - you can put your story up here and people who aren't emotionally tied to you can give you feedback. All you can do is comb through that and take what you can from it. Your wife may very well be an unreasonable person, it sounds like a therapist already wondered if she has BPD. But the way you tell the story, it might also be much simpler where she has become unreasonable in reaction to feeling not heard. The "laid back guy" and the "hyper critical" wife is a story as old as time. There is a dynamic that causes it. If that is your problem and you can shift that dynamic you may be able to have a wonderful marriage. But you are the one coming here for help, so you are the only one in your marriage people recommend change to. I really hope you'll check out the information on this website: Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
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post #49 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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I speed all the time.

But when my girlfriend asks me to slow down, I do it. rather an argue about why it's ok to keep right on speeding.
OMG, could you talk to my husband, please? He's getting a tiny bit better with his attitude about this, but he's an excellent but, lets say "assertive" driver. I've been in multiple bad accidents as a passenger and I'm a very nervous passenger. (Others have said he takes chances they would never take so it's not just my nerves.) When his driving makes me panic instead of slowing down he usually gets irritated at me and goes faster, if anything, and tells me to "just close your eyes" or "read your kindle." I feel actual HATRED for him when I am stuck in the passenger seat with no control over the situation and he disregards my fear, reasonable or not.
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post #50 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

The bath mat example (they're supposed to get wet!) and son smoking pot in the house (pot never killed anyone) are both examples of disrespect. The responses divert attention away from the real issue which is showing respect.

When your son has his own home, then he can smoke whatever he wants, whenever he wants and for how long he wants. But, until then, he needs to show respect to others.

You can laugh about the silly bath mat 'til the cows come home but it won't stop her feeling disrespected. So, get your ass down to Bed Bath & Beyond and buy another damn bath mat and let her see that you do consider her wishes. And, if you're too proud to bend in this area then get out.
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post #51 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

I would have to agree with your wife on the pot use of your son. Just because you used to do it doesn't make it right or acceptable for anyone else. I would have flipped out about that to. It would be my guess that all the rest of this stuff has it's roots in this to. If you want harmony in this marriage, you're going to have to fix this problem or nothing it going to improve

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post #52 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

Ha, well this is a bit of a segue from the main topic, but my wife is a VERY aggressive driver. I usually like to drive when we're together. She's had several accidents in the past (and again, we each have our own insurance plans, because I have a perfect driving record and low insurance and want to keep it that way!). She says most of the accidents weren't her fault, and at least 2-3 times a month she tells me how she almost got hit driving to work or back. Now, I do work from home, but believe me, I can put miles on my car...about as much as she does! I'm not a slow driver either...I typically do about 10 mph over the speed limit (it it allows). But she will ask me where I'm going when we drive somewhere together, or to park in that spot, or do this, or do that. It might that I like to take a different way, that's all. I have my way, you have yours. She's lived here her whole life, I'm a transplant. I don't know every single "back way", and I tend to go the same routes I'm used to. Nothing wrong with that. Woops, here I go complaining again. It's very easy to read something and think that it's a complaint, when in reality, it's expressing yourself and your position in a matter. I mean, how can you tell anyone anything without stating it? Enter my anonymous comments now: As for mr. web browser extraordinaire is concerned, I think he doesn't really wear any pants at all. Sure honey, I'll do as you please, each and every time you ask it of me. I don't have thoughts and opinions of my own, just yours baby cakes. And no, I'm not being chauvinistic here, I'm not an ******* guy, unless I get pushed there. And, as a few have latched on to, I don't ignore my wife's requests. There are some that are just over the top crazy. And guess what, I have a brain that I actually know how to use, and I have an opinion to boot! So what many of you are saying is, ahh, just do what she asks of you every time without question and we will live happily ever after. Hmm, that sounds very one-sided to me. I'll just assume that you always do as your told, like a good little girl or boy, or you're single for a variety of reasons which are of none of my concern.
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post #53 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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I'll just assume that you always do as your told, like a good little girl or boy, or you're single for a variety of reasons which are of none of my concern.
You can do all that assuming with the extra time you have while you're drying yourself off in the tub.
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post #54 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

I think what some posters are trying to point out is that the bath mat incident, the driving, the pot incident, the things that EITHER you or your wife does that annoys the other, are symptoms of a much larger issue, which is the lack of respect and willingness for one to compromise and then the other to reciprocate.

No one is asking you to lie down and take it, but by your initial post, it sounded like she opened her home to you and your son, and her rules were disrespected. That could have set things off. That was the start.

Doing things like setting actual consequences, not just yelling at or "having a go" at your son would have demonstrated you respected her house rules and would punish accordingly when they were broken. It would have shown your son that she has some authority in the relationship and he should respect it, too. You chose not to do this because rather than respect her rules, you applied your own version and called it acceptable.

None of us are perfect, but respect is the foundation of any type of close relationship, IME. When you encourage cracks in that respect, even secondarily through your children, it's hard to fix. It's much easier to just carry on being annoyed by the little things than step back and focus on the big ones.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #55 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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The bath mat example (they're supposed to get wet!) and son smoking pot in the house (pot never killed anyone) are both examples of disrespect. The responses divert attention away from the real issue which is showing respect.

When your son has his own home, then he can smoke whatever he wants, whenever he wants and for how long he wants. But, until then, he needs to show respect to others.

You can laugh about the silly bath mat 'til the cows come home but it won't stop her feeling disrespected. So, get your ass down to Bed Bath & Beyond and buy another damn bath mat and let her see that you do consider her wishes. And, if you're too proud to bend in this area then get out.
Hey, the pot smoking thing...yea, when he has his own place, he can do what he wants. I've told him that (in addition to telling him I don't like him doing it in the first place). Some have suggested that I just toss him to his mom lol. Yea, that's really nice. The kid would feel great that his dad doesn't want him around. Easy peasy. If that's what you'd do, then by all means, do it. Not my thing. And I would just like to add something about my son. He may be a bit hard to handle at times at home, but when he is outside of the house, he is highly liked and respected by others, and I hear about it. Even a local police officer who knows him thinks he is a great kid, and that says a lot, especially with the teens you have these days. So, am I ok with a little back-and-forth with him at home? Yup. Do I get mad at him and ask him to do things, yup. Does he get mad at me, yup. Sounds pretty normal to me. In fact, I know lots of families that go bat **** crazy at each other, police coming to the house all the time, things being thrown, fights getting physical, etc. And here I am, having discussions with my son, in an intelligent and caring way, listening to his story, and adding my two cents on the matter -so that he sees that I respect him and his opinions and issues at hand and not just treating him like a toddler. IMHO, this will teach him to be that way to others, and maybe even a future wife and children. Believe me, I could just put my fist up and tell him that if he does X he will get Y. Nah, I'm all good with that.

No, I will actually go and buy a bath mat. I actually am interested in what kind of drama THAT will bring! Ugh, now she has to wash TWO bathmats...(she doesn't let me do our laundry for some damn reason) why do we need TWO bath mats!? It's a vicious cycle of do good, not good enough, whelp so much for that. If someone feels that they are being "disrespected" because the bath mat gets wet, then their priorities are all messed up. Anyways, since I've had this conversation about the mat, I've heard some of you say I just need to be respectful and buy another one for everyone else's use -that's what I'm going to do. I guarantee, if I do this without her knowledge, and carefully place the mat over the edge of the tub in a nice and neat manner, I'll be asked why I purchased another bath mat. That will itself become disrespectful...her: "was there something wrong with the one we had?" me: "nope, just trying to keep yours from getting wet". her: "well that's just stupid." ahh, I can see the convo now.
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post #56 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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IMHO, this will teach him to be that way to others, and maybe even a future wife and children.
We can only hope your son does NOT follow your lead when it comes to how to treat his future wife.
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post #57 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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We can only hope your son does NOT follow your lead when it comes to how to treat his future wife.
Interesting comment. My eldest son, who lived with us as well, graduated and is now in the military in Afghanistan. He's also just married to a great girl. Guess what? I raised him, along with his mother, and for a time with his step-mother and he's turned into quite the man and gentleman. He's hard-headed, like myself and has his own opinions. I couldn't be more proud of him and I am quite sure that I will be as proud of my younger son when he decides what he's going to do with his life. I had the same experiences with my older son as I am having with my younger son now...so there you have it. See, the thing with treating someone with respect, is that it has to go both ways. Apparently, I'm not able to highlight the disrespect to me in this conversation. Respect, in my book, is also earned, not demanded. I have no respect for someone who demands it. Sure, I give anyone a certain level of respect right off the bat, but to give more than that, it requires that person earning it. You got any kids?
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post #58 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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We can only hope your son does NOT follow your lead when it comes to how to treat his future wife.
That's for sure. He got smoking pot from you and probably a good deal else. He's certainly off to a good start.

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post #59 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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See, the thing with treating someone with respect, is that it has to go both ways.
No, respect does not have to go both ways. Respect is earned, it's not an entitlement or given right. You don't "get it" simply because you "give it".

Try respecting your wife's wishes, without expecting her to respect you for it. Whether it's a dry bath mat, or turning lights off when you leave a room, or completely stopping the illegal drug use in her home. See how that works for you.

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You got any kids?
I have 2 daughters. They both smoke a lot of pot, but not in my house.
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post #60 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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That's for sure. He got smoking pot from you and probably a good deal else. He's certainly off to a good start.
Ahh, 1929 posts and counting. Have you attained your degree in psychology yet? I sure hope so, man. I sure hope so.
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