Just don't know anymore... - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
No, respect does not have to go both ways. Respect is earned, it's not an entitlement or given right. You don't "get it" simply because you "give it".

Try respecting your wife's wishes, without expecting her to respect you for it. Whether it's a dry bath mat, or turning lights off when you leave a room, or completely stopping the illegal drug use in her home. See how that works for you.



I have 2 daughters. They both smoke a lot of pot, but not in my house.
Yes, it IS earned. However, I can give anyone a minimal amount of respect for free....If I don't know you, then I will give you that. But, if you then decide not to treat me the same way, with a minimal level of respect, then you don't get it -it's not being earned. I actually don't require respect -what I require is to be treated in the same manner (yea, you'll probably pick up on that and tell me I don't respect her, so why should I expect it back). Maybe we're confusing respect with, ahem, common decency.

Hmm, both smoke "a lot of pot". Was this prescribed by a doctor? Do you live in a "recreational use" state? If so, then that makes it completely and justifiably ok (because it's not in your house). Oh, the contradiction is borderline hilarious.
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post #62 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

Sigh...

Some people have been uncharacteristically hard on you in here. But your defensiveness makes it look like maybe they had good reason.

All your posts are filled with disrespectful judgments about your wife. OK, maybe she IS an irredeemably mad cow in which case all you can do is leave. But what if she is actually a normal human being who feels hurt and resentful because of your, and your son(s) continual dismissive and disrespectful attitudes?

It's actually VERY common to be disrespectful of your spouse when you are frustrated (as you are). But when people point out specific examples of your disrespect and try to explain to you how those things might be perceived by someone else, instead of asking more questions about what you might do, or saying "I read that, it gave me some ideas" you seem to just get defensive and double down on what a reasonable person you are and what an irrational psycho she is.

Look, if things used to be wonderful, and now they're not, there is a reason. Assuming she's not mentally ill, a happy spouse does not "magically" become bitter, critical, and resentful and start berating their beloved for no reason. We are trying to help you discover what the reason might be so you can do something about it.

Taking your spouse into consideration given the fact that all your actions and inaction affect them is called being a mature adult, not "not wearing any pants." There are ways to handle situations where you are NOT caving into unreasonable demands but you are also NOT exacerbating the situation with your own disrespect, judgments, etc.

PS. Telling someone what to do is rude and annoying. If she is barking orders and criticisms at you while you're driving, I recommend calmly informing her that you don't like her telling you what to do in the middle of driving and asking her if she has any special requests about what route you will be taking before you embark on the drive. Then if she barks orders at you regardless, say "Please don't talk to me that way" and just keep driving your way.



Quote:
Originally Posted by nikonova View Post
Ha, well this is a bit of a segue from the main topic, but my wife is a VERY aggressive driver. I usually like to drive when we're together. She's had several accidents in the past (and again, we each have our own insurance plans, because I have a perfect driving record and low insurance and want to keep it that way!). She says most of the accidents weren't her fault, and at least 2-3 times a month she tells me how she almost got hit driving to work or back. Now, I do work from home, but believe me, I can put miles on my car...about as much as she does! I'm not a slow driver either...I typically do about 10 mph over the speed limit (it it allows). But she will ask me where I'm going when we drive somewhere together, or to park in that spot, or do this, or do that. It might that I like to take a different way, that's all. I have my way, you have yours. She's lived here her whole life, I'm a transplant. I don't know every single "back way", and I tend to go the same routes I'm used to. Nothing wrong with that. Woops, here I go complaining again. It's very easy to read something and think that it's a complaint, when in reality, it's expressing yourself and your position in a matter. I mean, how can you tell anyone anything without stating it? Enter my anonymous comments now: As for mr. web browser extraordinaire is concerned, I think he doesn't really wear any pants at all. Sure honey, I'll do as you please, each and every time you ask it of me. I don't have thoughts and opinions of my own, just yours baby cakes. And no, I'm not being chauvinistic here, I'm not an ******* guy, unless I get pushed there. And, as a few have latched on to, I don't ignore my wife's requests. There are some that are just over the top crazy. And guess what, I have a brain that I actually know how to use, and I have an opinion to boot! So what many of you are saying is, ahh, just do what she asks of you every time without question and we will live happily ever after. Hmm, that sounds very one-sided to me. I'll just assume that you always do as your told, like a good little girl or boy, or you're single for a variety of reasons which are of none of my concern.

Last edited by WorkingWife; 03-13-2017 at 11:10 PM.
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post #63 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:33 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Hmm, both smoke "a lot of pot". Was this prescribed by a doctor? Do you live in a "recreational use" state? If so, then that makes it completely and justifiably ok (because it's not in your house). Oh, the contradiction is borderline hilarious.
@nikonova

The pot my daughters smoke is not prescribed by a doctor, they do not live in a recreational use state and as far as I am concerned, it's not ok. They are not minors and they don't live with me.

What's the contradiction?
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post #64 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:24 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Uptown... Do you have an opinion on whether or not a woman whose symptoms are less than full on BPD can/will get better with treatment more readily than one with full on BPD?
WW, yes, IMO the lower a person is on the BPD spectrum the greater the chance he/she will benefit from treatment. The stronger the BPD traits are, the greater the likelihood that the person lacks the self awareness and ego strength needed to do well in therapy.

Please keep in mind, however, that full-blown BPDers can be either high- or low-functioning. That is, a person can satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria and still be high functioning -- or low functioning. In that regard, I suspect that the LF BPDers likely benefit more from therapy than the HF BPDers. Because the LF BPDers are suffering from far greater emotional pain, they have a much stronger incentive to become self aware and to work hard in therapy.

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Or if someone's spouse is 70 - 80% is it pretty unlikely they'll ever be a good partner?
Yes, that is my view. The current diagnostic methodology for BPD makes no sense because it is a binary (yes or no) approach in which people meeting 100% of the diagnostic criteria "have BPD" and people meeting 95% "don't have BPD." The American Psychiatric Assoc. is now in the process of replacing this binary approach with a graduated methodology (e.g., low, normal, moderate, strong, and severe).
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post #65 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:48 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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On a side note it never ceases to amaze me how many psychiatrists we have here on TAM that are capable of diagnosing mental disorders based on one side of the story (and the diagnosed person isn't even present).
LITS, I haven't seen any respondent on this thread attempt to diagnose any mental disorder -- much less claim to do so without meeting the person being diagnosed. If I am mistaken and have overlooked such a claim, please quote the statement so we can see what you're talking about.
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post #66 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:46 PM
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I'll just assume that you always do as your told, like a good little girl or boy, or you're single for a variety of reasons which are of none of my concern.
You can do all that assuming with the extra time you have while you're drying yourself off in the tub.
This!
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post #67 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:49 PM
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Upon reflection, I think the main purpose of a bath mat is so you have somewhere warm and fluffy to step out of the shower onto, rather than cold floor! It's not meant to get soaking wet.
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post #68 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:15 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

Brilliant. This is exactly what I was trying to say.

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I think what some posters are trying to point out is that the bath mat incident, the driving, the pot incident, the things that EITHER you or your wife does that annoys the other, are symptoms of a much larger issue, which is the lack of respect and willingness for one to compromise and then the other to reciprocate.

No one is asking you to lie down and take it, but by your initial post, it sounded like she opened her home to you and your son, and her rules were disrespected. That could have set things off. That was the start.

Doing things like setting actual consequences, not just yelling at or "having a go" at your son would have demonstrated you respected her house rules and would punish accordingly when they were broken. It would have shown your son that she has some authority in the relationship and he should respect it, too. You chose not to do this because rather than respect her rules, you applied your own version and called it acceptable.

None of us are perfect, but respect is the foundation of any type of close relationship, IME. When you encourage cracks in that respect, even secondarily through your children, it's hard to fix. It's much easier to just carry on being annoyed by the little things than step back and focus on the big ones.
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post #69 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:43 AM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

I've got the sneaking suspicion that the Op, after hearing tons of great advice he is not willing to accept or follow, has permanently left the building and is sitting somewhere and laughing about how clueless everyone else is, including his "toxic" wife (while his second marriage continues to rapidly deteriorate). I don't know anything about his first wife but I'm thinking she wasn't all that bad.
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post #70 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:14 AM Thread Starter
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Haven't left, thanks for your concern. My priorities are family, work and this snow storm right now. I don't live in this forum.
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post #71 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Haven't left, thanks for your concern. My priorities are family, work and this snow storm right now. I don't live in this forum.
Great. Welcome back. I just finished shoveling the driveway and none of my staff wants to chance the roads even though the storm wasn't nearly as bad as forecast so I've got the day off even though I'd rather be making money. My kids are grown and happily getting stoned in their homes somewhere, so here I am.

So what's the hilarious contradiction?
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post #72 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Ahh, 1929 posts and counting. Have you attained your degree in psychology yet? I sure hope so, man. I sure hope so.
TAM is a forum, a place to go for peoples opinions. I offer opinions and suggestions, not necessarily valid as far as the science of psychology goes.

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post #73 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Hey, the pot smoking thing...yea, when he has his own place, he can do what he wants. I've told him that (in addition to telling him I don't like him doing it in the first place). Some have suggested that I just toss him to his mom lol. Yea, that's really nice. The kid would feel great that his dad doesn't want him around. Easy peasy. If that's what you'd do, then by all means, do it. Not my thing. And I would just like to add something about my son. He may be a bit hard to handle at times at home, but when he is outside of the house, he is highly liked and respected by others, and I hear about it. Even a local police officer who knows him thinks he is a great kid, and that says a lot, especially with the teens you have these days. So, am I ok with a little back-and-forth with him at home? Yup.
Are you being DELIBERATELY obtuse??????

It's like trying to talk to the learning challenged.

How many posters have told you it's a RESPECT thing about your kid smoking pot in your girlfriend's house?????

How many people have told you that it's DISRESPECTFUL for your son to smoke pot in your girlfriend's house against her wishes and CONTINUE doing it even after your oh-so-awesome top notch parenting of 'going off on him' how many times - which he still ignored? Yeah, that's some 'great' kid. LOL.

Instead, you just make excuse after excuse after excuse for his arrogant and disrespectful behavior because the truth is, you're a completely INEFFECTUAL parent and allow him to control YOU. Way to parent.

Make all the excuses you want. The situation is pretty transparent. You and your obnoxious kid disrespected her RIGHT from the get go with the pot thing and instead of booting your asses out her house which she SHOULD have done, she stupidly stayed with you and now everything is an issue for her. Every small thing is now an issue. It ain't rocket science.

As far as that ridiculous concept that she has BPD. As another poster said, how wonderful that complete strangers can 'diagnose' someone over the internet with a mental or personality disorder - based SOLELY on never meeting them but believing some guy's story that he wrote in a thread. Good Christ.
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post #74 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

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Are you being DELIBERATELY obtuse??????

It's like trying to talk to the learning challenged.
I don't think it's intentional. Some people are just ignorant, and they pay the price for it.

It brings to mind one of my favorite expression that goes something like, "If it seems to be everyone ELSE, then maybe it just isn't everyone else".
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post #75 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Just don't know anymore...

This thread sums up why TAM is dying a slow death. People being *******s to each other. Neither side listening. People acting like children.

I commend WorkingWife, Satya and a few others for being adults and trying to help. But the OP and others could use a vacation in my opinion.

"Masturbate with just a slick hand and thoughts of your wife." --Intheory
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