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post #31 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:24 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

AVR1962,

Here is a video for you to watch. I think it will tell you want's going on and what you need to do about it.


http://youtu.be/669II2eDQMg

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post #32 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:35 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

I agree with the others that stated he is not all that into you. He has someone else right now. It's not a great relationship as he seems to enjoy your company, but, at least to me, he sounds like his bed is being warmed by someone that is not at all like you or what he should be seeking as a long term partner.

His problem and not yours. Oh, and let him know under no uncertain terms what "friends" really means now. You are seeking a special someone because you already have enough "friends"

Don't even bother to say bye bye...just let it go. Next!

Oh, I hope that you are not just dating one guy at a time. You are not exclusive to anyone at this point, and it looks like he was already involved when he started chatting you up. Welcome to dating nowadays!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #33 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:46 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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Originally Posted by AVR1962 View Post
Of course my head has been swimming wondering what he is being conflicted by but when we talk again I will ask him if he minds sharing.
His conflict could be faith based.

Being Catholic, taking the faith seriously, isn't easy in modern times. On the one hand, you get a divorce and are socially and legally seen as free to date and marry. On the other hand, your faith teaches that a legal divorce doesn't dissolve a marriage and, though divorced, dating and legally marrying are forbidden.

If his conflict is faith based, his options are to apply for a Decree of Nullity and pray his marriage was invalid according to Cannon Law and that the Annulment will be given, stay single and alone until his ex-wife dies, or abandon his faith.

It's surprising how many Catholics don't apply for Annulment because they are afraid they will be told their marriages were valid and they are still spiritually bound by their vows. Why know for sure when you can stay in limbo and do your thing? It's also surprising how many only apply after they have met someone they want to marry. Why do the paperwork in advance when you can procrastinate?

Honestly, if I were single and dating, I wouldn't date a practicing Catholic who'd been previously married unless he'd already been through the Annulment process with a favorable outcome. Annulment is NOT guaranteed. Most who want to apply are turned away before filing a single piece of paper because they have no Canonical grounds for Annulment in the first place. I wouldn't want to get emotionally involved, fall in love, plan to marry, and then find out we can't marry because the Annulment was declined.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #34 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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AVR1962,

Here is a video for you to watch. I think it will tell you want's going on and what you need to do about it.


http://youtu.be/669II2eDQMg
Thanks for the video. I woke up this morning feeling I needed to let this whole situation go. Nice guy, wonderful conversation and he said some very sweet things but whatever is going on in his life is not working for me. Life goes on!
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post #35 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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His conflict could be faith based.

Being Catholic, taking the faith seriously, isn't easy in modern times. On the one hand, you get a divorce and are socially and legally seen as free to date and marry. On the other hand, your faith teaches that a legal divorce doesn't dissolve a marriage and, though divorced, dating and legally marrying are forbidden.

If his conflict is faith based, his options are to apply for a Decree of Nullity and pray his marriage was invalid according to Cannon Law and that the Annulment will be given, stay single and alone until his ex-wife dies, or abandon his faith.

It's surprising how many Catholics don't apply for Annulment because they are afraid they will be told their marriages were valid and they are still spiritually bound by their vows. Why know for sure when you can stay in limbo and do your thing? It's also surprising how many only apply after they have met someone they want to marry. Why do the paperwork in advance when you can procrastinate?

Honestly, if I were single and dating, I wouldn't date a practicing Catholic who'd been previously married unless he'd already been through the Annulment process with a favorable outcome. Annulment is NOT guaranteed. Most who want to apply are turned away before filing a single piece of paper because they have no Canonical grounds for Annulment in the first place. I wouldn't want to get emotionally involved, fall in love, plan to marry, and then find out we can't marry because the Annulment was declined.
I didn't know all the details you mentioned here but I wondered it it might have something to do with his faith. He is devoted to his religious beliefs.
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post #36 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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I didn't know all the details you mentioned here but I wondered it it might have something to do with his faith. He is devoted to his religious beliefs.
I didn't know those details, either, despite being raised by a Catholic dad!

I was raised Lutheran because my mother was Lutheran and dad deferred to her as his faith wasn't an important part of his life. DH was raised Catholic. When DH and I met, we were both practicing Pagans. We married and about 10 years in, DH returned to the faith of his youth. I knew enough to know that me having been previously married was a problem. So, I spent months researching, speaking to the Priest, the DRE (director of religious education), and the local Tribunal.

The Church considers all marriages valid unless/until proven otherwise. Even those marriages performed outside the Church. A Catholic cannot validly marry if they and/or their intended were previously married, as the previous marriage(s) is (are) presumed still valid spiritually, unless the ex-spouse either passed away or the marriage has been Annulled.

Baptized Catholics are required by Canon Law to marry in the Church or receive dispensation to marry outside the Church in order to marry validly.

What this means for those who seriously date Catholics is that they must be willing to go through the Annulment process ( if they were previously married), be willing to do pre-cana (marriage prep), be willing to marry in the Church unless they have reason they need to marry elsewhere (ex: Uncle Bob is a Lutheran pastor and Mom will lose her mind and disown you if Uncle Bob doesn't perform the ceremony at the family's place of worship), and sign documents in front of a priest acknowledging that they know the Catholic party is obligated to impart the faith to any children born of the union and promising not to hinder the Catholic party's faith practices.

Catholicism is a lifestyle. There are feast days, fasting days, Holy Days of Obligation when attending Mass is required even if it's Tuesday, and so on. Most Catholics have religious items all over the place. Crucifix's over the doors, chalk symbols on the lintels from the yearly house blessing, Holy items such as Rosaries, a Holy Water container or two, prayer cards, maybe a few Mary or Saint figurines, Bibles and Missals, etc.

Frankly, if I were single, I'd treat a seriously practicing Catholic man who hasn't at least applied for Decree of Nullity the same as I would treat a separated married man who hasn't filed for divorce yet.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #37 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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I didn't know those details, either, despite being raised by a Catholic dad!

I was raised Lutheran because my mother was Lutheran and dad deferred to her as his faith wasn't an important part of his life. DH was raised Catholic. When DH and I met, we were both practicing Pagans. We married and about 10 years in, DH returned to the faith of his youth. I knew enough to know that me having been previously married was a problem. So, I spent months researching, speaking to the Priest, the DRE (director of religious education), and the local Tribunal.

The Church considers all marriages valid unless/until proven otherwise. Even those marriages performed outside the Church. A Catholic cannot validly marry if they and/or their intended were previously married, as the previous marriage(s) is (are) presumed still valid spiritually, unless the ex-spouse either passed away or the marriage has been Annulled.

Baptized Catholics are required by Canon Law to marry in the Church or receive dispensation to marry outside the Church in order to marry validly.

What this means for those who seriously date Catholics is that they must be willing to go through the Annulment process ( if they were previously married), be willing to do pre-cana (marriage prep), be willing to marry in the Church unless they have reason they need to marry elsewhere (ex: Uncle Bob is a Lutheran pastor and Mom will lose her mind and disown you if Uncle Bob doesn't perform the ceremony at the family's place of worship), and sign documents in front of a priest acknowledging that they know the Catholic party is obligated to impart the faith to any children born of the union and promising not to hinder the Catholic party's faith practices.

Catholicism is a lifestyle. There are feast days, fasting days, Holy Days of Obligation when attending Mass is required even if it's Tuesday, and so on. Most Catholics have religious items all over the place. Crucifix's over the doors, chalk symbols on the lintels from the yearly house blessing, Holy items such as Rosaries, a Holy Water container or two, prayer cards, maybe a few Mary or Saint figurines, Bibles and Missals, etc.

Frankly, if I were single, I'd treat a seriously practicing Catholic man who hasn't at least applied for Decree of Nullity the same as I would treat a separated married man who hasn't filed for divorce yet.
Very good to know! Thank you!!!!
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post #38 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:53 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

You're not black and his family is the issue is my random guess.


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post #39 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

I literally had to get a note from my mother to marry my catholic wife. I brought a minister and she brought a priest and we married in a Catholic Church. We went to precana but they didn't make us commit to raise our kids catholic and we didn't. W got a dispensation to marry me I guess (ya know cause she was a good catholic girl ).


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post #40 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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I didn't know all the details you mentioned here but I wondered it it might have something to do with his faith. He is devoted to his religious beliefs.
Hold out for a NORMAL guy! You have already put in your time with a NOT normal man, time for some FUN!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #41 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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Ok, give it to me? Was he ever interested in me? I actually like this guy but I have a tendency to like men who are not emotionally available. He does verbalize issues at work and can express himself. It is obvious he is educated and is diplomatic. But until I opened up to him on how he felt he had not expressed his feelings about me. I do not want to chase any man and that's kind of how this has felt with the exception that he is the one calling me and not me calling him.
You didn't do anything wrong at all.

He thinks you're a cool girl, easy to talk too, would make a great friend but he's not feeling any chemistry.

I think he tried his best giving you multiple dates but it's just not happening for him. That's my manly take.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #42 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:54 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

He's a nut job.

He keeps texting you back as you text him, because he likes your admiration. But, notice he doesn't text you first--- because you are NOT on his mind. If he liked you like you liked him, he WOULD be communicating that to you.
You HAVE done something wrong. You let yourself develop feelings for someone before they earned your trust. I've done it as well.

Now you are going to have to deal with forgetting he exists. That's what I'd do if I were you. Move on to the next man. The relationship with this one is a dead end.
Sorry, but there's plenty more men where he came from.
You'll find a good one if you keep looking and don't settle for less than a man who is completely crazy about you.
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post #43 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:49 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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Ok, give it to me? Was he ever interested in me? I actually like this guy but I have a tendency to like men who are not emotionally available. He does verbalize issues at work and can express himself. It is obvious he is educated and is diplomatic. But until I opened up to him on how he felt he had not expressed his feelings about me. I do not want to chase any man and that's kind of how this has felt with the exception that he is the one calling me and not me calling him.
No chemistry. That's all. You didn't do anything wrong. If you did anything wrong, you kept expecting way too much when it was obvious from the get go he was not enticed and motivated enough to open himself up and give you what you were looking for. You cannot manufacture or cultivate chemistry. Two people either have it or they don't. It cannot be forced. It is either there or it isn't.

A potential mate can have everything you are looking for: good looks, politeness, intelligence, good sense of humor, financial stability....the list can go on. But if there is no chemistry, then none of it means a thing.

Learn to distinguish attraction from chemistry. One actually has nothing to do with the other. I have met some women who I was not particularly attracted to at first, but when I got to talking to them the chemistry was off the charts...and then the attraction followed.

When chemistry AND attraction both happen at the same time then...WHAMMO!
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post #44 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:05 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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Very good to know! Thank you!!!!
You're very welcome. Considering how a Catholic gentleman is supposed to behave courting a woman, it would be easy for a modern woman to mistake his behavior for lack of interest. Add in any conflict he may feel because he desires to date and have a romantic partner when his faith forbids it (assuming no Annulment) and I imagine it's even harder to express interest in the ways secular society would understand.

Not all Catholics are the same. Some are more willing to bend or break the rules. It's not uncommon for Catholics to have pre-marital sex or to use artificial birth control, for example. Others stick more closely to the rules. A devout Catholic isn't likely to round 3rd base while dating if he's the sticking to the rules kind.

Also, devout Catholics tend to take their time deciding on a spouse since we're taught divorce cannot dissolve a marriage. Some more secular people have a hard time dating an abstinent Catholic for an indeterminate amount of time until they either marry or split up. It's something to consider if you'd want sex before marriage so that you know you're compatible in that area before vowing a lifetime.

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I literally had to get a note from my mother to marry my catholic wife. I brought a minister and she brought a priest and we married in a Catholic Church. We went to precana but they didn't make us commit to raise our kids catholic and we didn't. W got a dispensation to marry me I guess (ya know cause she was a good catholic girl ).


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How the Church handled these situations differs by era. At one point, Catholics couldn't validly marry any non-Catholic. At another time, a Catholic could marry outside the faith, but only to another Christian. Now, a Catholic can validly marry anyone of any faith or no faith at all.

At one point, both the Catholic and the non-Catholic party had to promise to raise any children born of the union as Catholics. At another point, only the Catholic party had to make that promise and the non-Catholic party signed a document saying they were aware of the promise. Most recently, the Catholic party promises to "try their best" to raise any children in the faith and the non-Catholic signs they are aware of the promise.

You and your wife probably did sign some form of the above mentioned promises, but don't remember in in the stack of paperwork required to marry. Pre-cana can be hit and miss. Same with Catechism and other Sacramental preparation/religious education classes. Some aren't very thorough and things are often not explained as clearly as they should be. This is a longstanding problem in the Church, complained about regularly by pretty much everyone, that is slowly but surely being addressed. It's not uncommon for the priest doing the marriage paperwork to think the pre-cana classes covered the promises while the pre-cana classes leader(s) assumed the priest would discuss the promises. So, the documents are signed, the permissions to marry are given, and the marriage takes place.

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Hold out for a NORMAL guy! You have already put in your time with a NOT normal man, time for some FUN!
There's nothing abnormal about a person who practices a religion that forbids pre-marital sex. It's funny. On this forum, women complain about men who don't show interest by some kind of physical sexual contact. The idea of having a serious long term possibly leading to marriage relationship without sex is nearly shocking in modern times among liberal Christians and secular folks alike. Some think marrying without having sex first is insane. On my religious based forums, women are complaining it's hard to find a man that is willing to wait until marriage.

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You didn't do anything wrong at all.

He thinks you're a cool girl, easy to talk too, would make a great friend but he's not feeling any chemistry.

I think he tried his best giving you multiple dates but it's just not happening for him. That's my manly take.
I think he's refraining due to his faith beliefs, you think he's just not into @AVR1962. Easily settled. ASK HIM, woman!! Just ask if he's attracted to you or have you been friend zoned.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #45 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:09 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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Thanks for the video. I woke up this morning feeling I needed to let this whole situation go. Nice guy, wonderful conversation and he said some very sweet things but whatever is going on in his life is not working for me. Life goes on!
Did you watch the video?

I think this is the right approach at this time. If he comes back, then you can decide what to do and if he is someone you want to be with.

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