Men, What Did I Do Wrong - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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He is 51, I am 54. And stringing along does feel like the right word. I give your advise a try.
After he basically blows you off and tells you the distance and your schedules really don't permit any type of relationship to bloom (understandable) you then agree to be supposed 'friends' because you feel so comfortable with each other.

Then the waltz continues with all these sweet nothings over text between 'friends' and he's suddenly claiming that 'someone' is conflicting him or he'd be able to give himself wholly to you. Good Lord, he acts as though you're the devil or some kind of evil temptation causing him to do battle with himself in order to decide whether he should continue seeing you or not. So who's he referring to - another woman, or Jesus Christ himself since he's a little more spiritual than your average person?

This guy sounds like he's being a bit manipulative - it's like he keeps trying to keep you interested without having to invest a single thing into you. I see a whole lot of red flags in this evasive behavior.

If you talk to him again, I'd be asking him exactly who this secret 'someone' is. If it's another woman, you don't want to be involved with him anyway. If it's Jesus...well, good luck with that one. :-)
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post #62 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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I have not dating a black man before. I have black friends, some close.
Well, ask one of your Black friends how they felt when or if they first dated someone white. I'm wondering if his mom is against interracial marriage or dating. If he came from a strong family, it is hard for some people to reconcile what they may have learned growing up with how they feel.

I wouldn't be surprised if that is his inner conflict.
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post #63 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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Funny but I don't see him being manipulative like that based on the posts so far. But he's older and older people sometimes are a bit more aware of the long game, so to speak. It sounds like he is earnest and sincere, but has issues that must be addressed before he gets too serious. Who knows... perhaps his family has negatively impacted prior relationships and he's learned not to drag anyone new into that mix without resolving the issues first.

Of course we're all speculating but I'm glad you found that there are men out there that will treat you with dignity and respect


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Yes, we are speculating, but at this stage of dating, she should be having fun. It shouldn't be confusing and wondering if the guy is interested in her. If there's chemistry, you just know. Especially after a few months. Just my opinion, anyways.

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post #64 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:57 PM
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(Woman's point of view here) If a guy is interested in a woman and has amazing chemistry with her, he'll swim ten miles to get to her. The fact that he brought up distance as a factor, tells me he's not interested and it's time to move on. You did nothing wrong. That's what dating is all about, finding out if there's chemistry, to go further into a more serious relationship.
This! 45 min? That's not "long distance," that's just life.
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post #65 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
After he basically blows you off and tells you the distance and your schedules really don't permit any type of relationship to bloom (understandable) you then agree to be supposed 'friends' because you feel so comfortable with each other.

Then the waltz continues with all these sweet nothings over text between 'friends' and he's suddenly claiming that 'someone' is conflicting him or he'd be able to give himself wholly to you. Good Lord, he acts as though you're the devil or some kind of evil temptation causing him to do battle with himself in order to decide whether he should continue seeing you or not. So who's he referring to - another woman, or Jesus Christ himself since he's a little more spiritual than your average person?

This guy sounds like he's being a bit manipulative - it's like he keeps trying to keep you interested without having to invest a single thing into you. I see a whole lot of red flags in this evasive behavior.

If you talk to him again, I'd be asking him exactly who this secret 'someone' is. If it's another woman, you don't want to be involved with him anyway. If it's Jesus...well, good luck with that one. :-)
Now you know why I came here, I can't figure this out either. I hope I didn't say "someone," I meant "something was conflicting him."

I am not on a religious level of faith that he is obviously and I don't think it would work just based on that. I have my faith but I like to have fun too.
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post #66 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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While in a different vain, I recently dealt with some very significant attractions and feelings during my separation from my wife and it made me want to reconcile, but that is not what your feeling. Yes some men are decent and respectable, I would suspect this man has been hurt significantly by the prior relationship in some way, and is unable to move on or combat his feelings of loyalty. It could also be that he is shy in regards to physical contact, and or that he is aware as many men are of how powerful sex can be at making you feel love emotions and he wants to make sure before he takes that plunge that your worth the trip down the rabbit hole. then again, maybe he's just not that into you.
He did mention something about this just briefly, I didn't pry, he said it something to talk about later but obviously there is something there and until he wrestles with whatever he is not going to be able to move on in peace. I have been there, it is not easy so I do get it but I am ready to go out and have a good time!
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post #67 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:05 PM
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Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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This! 45 min? That's not "long distance," that's just life.

You are so right.

My daily commute to work is longer than that, each way.

And I drive that without getting any sex at the office.

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post #68 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:33 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

I hope you keep looking - some of us guys in our 50s are still good catches .


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post #69 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

He's too conflicted right now -- whether it's religion-based or his mom might be opposed to his dating a white woman or the distance you live from each other or maybe there's something else that's the issue.

No contact is probably better -- at least until he resolves whatever is going on with him (if he ever does).
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post #70 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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He's too conflicted right now -- whether it's religion-based or his mom might be opposed to his dating a white woman or the distance you live from each other or maybe there's something else that's the issue.

No contact is probably better -- at least until he resolves whatever is going on with him (if he ever does).
OpenMinded thanks, you have been thru this whole ordeal with me for years and do appreciate it. We spent probably an hour on the phone laughing tonight, he called me. And then he let me know at the end of the conversation that he was spending this weekend catching up. Geesh!!! I am freakin ready to go out to a nice Greek dinner or go dancing so I guess I am going to have to find someone who can make time for me with the good qualities I have seen in this guy.
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post #71 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:59 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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OpenMinded thanks, you have been thru this whole ordeal with me for years and do appreciate it. We spent probably an hour on the phone laughing tonight, he called me. And then he let me know at the end of the conversation that he was spending this weekend catching up. Geesh!!! I am freakin ready to go out to a nice Greek dinner or go dancing so I guess I am going to have to find someone who can make time for me with the good qualities I have seen in this guy.


You know what? Enjoy the time and attention from him while you find someone else too. Nothing motivates a guy like actual competition.


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post #72 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 11:45 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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OpenMinded thanks, you have been thru this whole ordeal with me for years and do appreciate it. We spent probably an hour on the phone laughing tonight, he called me. And then he let me know at the end of the conversation that he was spending this weekend catching up. Geesh!!! I am freakin ready to go out to a nice Greek dinner or go dancing so I guess I am going to have to find someone who can make time for me with the good qualities I have seen in this guy.
It's been a tough road, AVR, and I'm glad you're out there enjoying life!
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post #73 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 06:26 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

when i was young, i used to drive 5 hours one way to meet up with my GF. Thought nothing of it.

Now, as an old fart, sometimes walking up the stairs to my bedroom seems like along way to go! LOL

I can see if he is so busy why 45 minutes seems to be a logn distance. Keep up things like you are. Go hiking with him. try to find some common things you both like to do. MAYBE if he starts liking the activity, and gets to know you more, the 45 minutes one way will start to seem "like not a big thing" after all.
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post #74 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 07:08 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

AVR, are to able to do activities with him as a friend but NOT expect or want more? If the answer is no, then drop him and go no contact.
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post #75 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

I'll make it incredibly simple for you ...

Most men utterly and absolutely suck at dating.

Everything I read in your posts says to me, this guy isn't really sure of what he's looking for. Or ... he knew he wasn't interested in what you were looking for, but didn't have the balls to give you the courtesy of saying so.

Many men will simply do 'The Fade' rather than step up and say, "You seem like a lovely person, and I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet you, but I'm really not feeling a connection. Wish you the best."

You may have been upset, perplexed, or p!ssed ... but at the end of the day, he would have been being honest and respectful of your time and his.

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